Forgiveness

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I left my BPD partner about 7 months ago and struggled with anger, fear, and depression, among other things. I'm still dealing with some anxiety, but overall have managed to reach a place of reconciliation. 

I still feel some anger and sadness that because of the trauma he went through, he wasn't able to treat me lovingly even though I believe now that he wanted to, and also that I became so emotionally invested in a person who didn't treat me well and I wasn't taking good care of myself.  But the anger is no longer directed at him or myself, just at the situation.  I've learned and grown from it and gotten to a place where I know with confidence that I will never get back together with him, and I've forgiven myself.  I've also forgiven him.

I wasn't planning on telling him that I forgive him, it was just a change of heart that I needed for my own peace.  But I started thinking about the word and how it doesn't seem to be meant for keeping to yourself, but rather for giving.

My ex has been in rigorous therapy since our break up and even though we work in the same building, he has been extremely respectful in giving me space.  We exchanged a few letters in the first 2 months, and since have been completely no contact.  On my end, it was partly for my own sake - I wasn't in a place where I could have handled talking to him - and partly because I didn't want to interfere with his healing process.  I guess I'm still afraid of hurting him.

I know this site is very pro-no contact, but my question is if I him know that even though I don't feel we can ever be together again (he already knows I feel that way) I forgive him, would it help him or hurt him?  On the one hand, I don't want to interfere with his healing process or give him false hope of getting back together or think that the way he treated me was excusable.  But on the other hand, I think of his insecurities and his fear of any kind of relationships, and I wonder if knowing that someone he has hurt does not blame him or hate him or think he is a bad person could give him any confidence or hope in his healing and to do better in the future.

Maybe that's my nurturer personality interfering or trying to make up for not being able to give him the right kind of support during the relationship.  But I really am not trying to stir things up or make him feel conflicted.  I just feel like forgiveness is the last thing I have to offer him, and if it could help him, I want him to know.

[Unducky]

I left my BPD partner about 7 months ago and struggled with anger, fear, and depression, among other things. I'm still dealing with some anxiety, but overall have managed to reach a place of reconciliation. 

I still feel some anger and sadness that because of the trauma he went through, he wasn't able to treat me lovingly even though I believe now that he wanted to, and also that I became so emotionally invested in a person who didn't treat me well and I wasn't taking good care of myself.  But the anger is no longer directed at him or myself, just at the situation.  I've learned and grown from it and gotten to a place where I know with confidence that I will never get back together with him, and I've forgiven myself.  I've also forgiven him.

I wasn't planning on telling him that I forgive him, it was just a change of heart that I needed for my own peace.  But I started thinking about the word and how it doesn't seem to be meant for keeping to yourself, but rather for giving.

My ex has been in rigorous therapy since our break up and even though we work in the same building, he has been extremely respectful in giving me space.  We exchanged a few letters in the first 2 months, and since have been completely no contact.  On my end, it was partly for my own sake - I wasn't in a place where I could have handled talking to him - and partly because I didn't want to interfere with his healing process.  I guess I'm still afraid of hurting him.

I know this site is very pro-no contact, but my question is if I him know that even though I don't feel we can ever be together again (he already knows I feel that way) I forgive him, would it help him or hurt him?  On the one hand, I don't want to interfere with his healing process or give him false hope of getting back together or think that the way he treated me was excusable.  But on the other hand, I think of his insecurities and his fear of any kind of relationships, and I wonder if knowing that someone he has hurt does not blame him or hate him or think he is a bad person could give him any confidence or hope in his healing and to do better in the future.

Maybe that's my nurturer personality interfering or trying to make up for not being able to give him the right kind of support during the relationship.  But I really am not trying to stir things up or make him feel conflicted.  I just feel like forgiveness is the last thing I have to offer him, and if it could help him, I want him to know.