husband with BPD I believe, actually i am most certain that he has BPD

[scarletviolet]

Hello

my husband fit all the symptoms of BPD

He is a compulsive liar, he hides things because he lives in fear of his actions, he is plagued by guilt and he always blame his actions to somebody else... he is not able to take responsibility for his actions , he has fear of abandonment and he has been involved with substance abuse as he works in the music industry. he also becomes aggressive when he is scared that the truth will come out... .

his previous partner left him after years of him cheating and lying about things... then he pursued her again by writing love letters to her and asked her to have a child together ( i guess in order to keep her ) .during the pregnancy he was seeking for other women... ( i had a volatile relationship with him during his time apart from his ex girlfriend ) the moment he realised he couldn't cope with being a father, he started a relationship with me again, telling me that he fell madly in love with me and his relationship with his girlfriend was over.

i did believe him and within 6 months we were married, even if he didn't tell anybody in his family about the marriage. and his justification was that his family was going to hate me as in his eyes i broke down the marriage. i have been blamed for it several times... for the fact that he has left the family because he fell madly in love with me... .

after a year and half in our marriage i fell pregnant and he forced me to have an abortion ( because his ex partner mother of his child was receiving chemotherapy and he said to me that he couldn't possibly cause her more pain as apparently she asked him previously when they split up not to have any other kid as she would have not been happy about it )

he promised me in order for me to proceed with the abortion that he would do anything in his power for me to get pregnant... .little did i know that actually right after the abortion he went for a vasectomy. he saw me month after month crying my eyes out and he was very guilty about it, but never admitted the truth... he kept telling me that he didn't want to delay this for me and he didn't want to take this away from me even if in reality he already did.

4 or 5 months ago i called him in tears whilst he was working abroad and i said to him that he needed to freeze his sperm... .

and that triggered in his head ,that he needed to get out of the relationship as he didn't have to courage to tell me what he did, so he engaged in a sexual relationship with a girl that he met on a business trip and he also employed her as an assistant to take her with him during his weeks away for work.

i found some messages on his phone and when confronted he kept lying to me, telling me that there was nothing going on... and that he loved me and he didn't want to lose me, and he was scared of what his life would have been without me... .and that he was going to fix the problem and we were going to be fine, when in reality he didn't do anything about it at all as he is in total denial and doesn't want to admit that he has a problem that he needs to address... .

last week i found some incriminating messages on his phone about the adultery, and we got into a fight where he was absolutely petrified that i was going to ruin his career and he got really angry to the point that he threatened me with a knife... .i knew he was not going to use it against me, however he cut himself on the hand, i think as a cry for attention... .and all the time when i said i was going to call this girl to get an answer he got really aggressive... .

i went to the police to make a statement about what happened and that day he was flying out for work and he got arrested from the plane and put in a cell for few hours... then they let him go, but he called me in a flood of tears, asking explanation about what i did, and if i realised what they did to him when he was in the cell... .

i told him i didn't do it deliberately whilst all the things that he did to me were actually deliberate to hurt me... .

he finally has admitted that he has a problem, and decided he was going to talk to a therapist... .he called me constantly in flood of tears saying that he doesn't know why he does this, and that he realised that he lost me forever ... .and asking if there is a way if he gets better if we can be together... .i really care incredibly for him and do love him despite everything he has done to me as i understand he has an illness and what i think he did deliberately was actually not intentional... .i really want him to get better... .i know he can... but he doesn't seem to be able to take any step in order to make this change.

he was supposed to see his kid today but his partner cancelled saying that she thinks he is in an emotional turmoil and he can see him on sunday, so i guess now he is blaming me for this as well... .

i don't know what i can do to help him, i am worried he is going to self harm himself or do something stupid... .

i would really need some support or direction to figure out what to do.

i told him that i can go back to him if he fire this girl that he has been having an affair with as next week he will be leaving for a 6 week period and if she's going to be there i am going to go mad... .as i think she is the wrong influence and he is not going to be able to address this properly... he hasn't done it yet as now he feels guilty as she left her apartment and currently leaving with her parents... .

so its guilt guilt guilt all over... .

any suggestion is greatly appreciated.

many thanks

sara

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[ColdEthyl]

First of all   Welcome!

Boy, you sure all going through a lot. I am so sorry.   I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone. Is there something specific you wanted help on? Have you had a chance to take a look at the lessons on this site? I think the first thing you want to do is examine exactly you want from this r/s and for yourself.

[tjay933]

Hi

Sorry you are going through all this. Have you read up any on BPD? If not, that is a great place to start to get information about what this condition is and how it effects relationships. You are not alone, most of the people here have gone through what you are going through with minor differences in details but the picture is usually the same.

Straight up-most pwBPD continue in this same pattern of lying, cheating, raging, blaming, etc until they move on to the next person they believe will give them what they want leaving the other person in shambles. this most likely will not change for him either-you've been clear enough to see the pattern for yourself. if you were to take a time travel trip into the future say 10 years, how do you think your life would look if you stayed with this person? What are your long range goals for yourself?  yes, a pwBPD can get better but it requires a lot of work on their part-something most pwBPD aren't willing/able to do.

Educating yourself is probably the first step to knowing how you want to proceed. there are a number of books as well as lessons online here that can help you to decide which way you want to go. along with a huge support team to help you along the way. you may also consider therapy for yourself to help with the guilt part of what you are feeling.

Stay safe