How to deal with the not-quite-silent treatment

[Chosen]

So, last Sunday uBPDh was mad at me.  Said I'm not supportive of him, blah blah blah.  He didn't rage (he's better at it now), but made it quite clear he wasn't happy.  We had a talk that night in which we discussed what could help him feel more supported.  That wasn't bad- at least he is up for real discussions instead of "discussions" which are just him saying how bad I am.

Then from Monday onwards, he started giving me the not-quite-silent treatment.  He's not ignoring me, but he stopped asking anything about me, stopped texting/ calling me about anything (practical issues/ "just to say hi", when I texted him he would barely reply (so I stopped).  He also didn't come back home for 2 nights (his parents are vacationing, he stayed at their place).  I have asked him more than once is he angry with me, he says no, but his actions show otherwise.

Of course I crave closeness but if he isn't ready to give it then I can't be bothered at this time.  After a few days of this, I have also given up trying to get him to talk, because it tires me, and I also know that they may lead to him getting annoyed with me. 

So my question is, do I just keep doing whatever I'm doing myself, not ignoring him, but not trying to probe into the reason why he's distancing himself or not trying to do stuff to please him (so he'll be less distant), and just let him be?  Or do you think he's doing this in an attempt for extra attention from me?

Actually, IF he really is giving me some kind of silent treatment, I'm pretty sure he's doing it to "punish" me for not supporting him.  He's into punishments... .

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[DreamerGirl]

Hi Chosen,

I don't really have much advise, but I wanted to say I understand how you feel.

My BPDbf does the exact same to me.  In fact, I think he has been doing it all week to me as well.

Last weekend, for no reason that I could determine, he started raging about my daughters' driving. I thought we were have a light hearted moment, and he turned it into a rage.

We were just about to leave to go out when this happened.  For a moment I invalidated him by trying to ask him what he was talking about!  This made him a lot more angry.  I honestly could not understand what he was raging about, so I said "Calm Down".  I know, that's probably a very invalidating phrase, but I didn't know what else to say.  Then he yelled more, and I said why do you keep yelling, and he said because you are making me mad by telling me to Calm Down.

I said to him do you still want to go out?  He said yes.  So I said, ok, I'll grab my bag and lets go.  I thought we had a great night.  He can act like everything is ok, but inside he is already planning his punishment by pulling away.

This whole week he has been in half silent mode towards me.  He has cut back on calling or texting me. 

I'm not bothered though, he has done this lots of times, and I have so many things to keep me busy and I know he stews on things he has perceived I have said or done, which I haven't.

You asked whether you should keep doing whatever your doing, not ignoring him, just going about your stuff without raising the issue... .I think yes, that is exactly what I do.  I've found from past experience, if I make any mention of it, then he knows it bothered me, and will ramp it up the next time because he knows it bothers you. 

As far as attention, I'm not sure that is exactly what he is after.  I think they want us to show them that we care.  I like to keep things normal when he does this, and just stick to my normal routine, so even if he hasn't texted or called me all day, I will still text a good night, sweet dreams, I love you, text to him. 

[waverider]

Get on with your own stuff, if you try to be a mind reader you may either get it wrong, or set a precedent that this behavior is ok to get a reaction.

You have enough knowledge of the tools and self awareness to deal with any drama as a consequence if it occurs. Don't keep waiting for the other foot to fall, otherwise you are playing into the power game (if there is one).

Sometimes they are just wrapped up in their own stuff and it has nothing to do with you, pushing too hard just then makes it about you.

[Chosen]

Thanks, this is what I thought too... .I'm doing good at doing my own stuff, not worrying about his plans (I've had a lot of practise there)... .and I don't want to ask him what's wrong precisely because I feel that if there's something he wants to talk about, he should be upfront about it.  I'm not about to probe it out of him because he's not a baby and he can express himself.

Thanks for the advice.