It's Friday and I should be happy...

[Mama_is_TIRED]

Well, his is going to be a journey. This I am 100% sure of. I am not sure if the diagnosis is correct, but after all I have read it sure seems so.

I have recently reconnected with my 19yo son after a long and painful separation. Long story short, his father successfully manipulated a court and took my boy May 27, 1997 at age 8months away from me. I know you are saying well a judge doesn't just take a child, let me ease your mind. There was no physical abuse, emotion, drug or alcohol. There was no danger at all. I was raising my other son, age 4 and did NOT loose him. Yes, when my baby was taken after child support was ordered, I was depressed. Pretty normal I think.

Anyway, my boy was raised in an abusive ad oppressive home after that in a small little hick town in Kentucky where the judicial system was inter-breeding. No one cared about what the kids went through. He was in and out of foster care, relatives, and his father was even investigated for abuse.

My son, is no angel. Do not get me wrong, I am painfully aware of this part. For two years I had been trying to "rescue" him from the environment. HE made the choices to stay homeless, bouncing from house to house, friend to friend. He was arrested for drugs, at one point assault of some kind, and four counts of forgery. He was using meth, booze and all sorts of other stuff.

I had sent money, bought a phone and a plan only to have him sell the phone for drugs, gave him a second chance and he did the same thing (third time I bought a prepaid and told him he had to pay the bill).  I have  to bring him here to Arizona where his family is and away from the people bringing him down, including his father. He finally decided he was coming to Arizona. I bought a one way ticket for the next day and hired someone to drive him to the airport. I was not about to let a party binge side track him again. Been there done that. Actually had a plan to drive to Kentucky and pick him up. The very day I was to leave he was thrown in jail - at his fathers doing so that he couldn't leave. He made sure he got violated for probation (yes I know my son was the person responsible for the action that cause it).

Since he has come here, it has been a DISASTER. Every single symptom of BPD is my son. When I asked about any mental health diagnosis when he was in rehab, it was PTSD and Abandonment. He got angry at my questioning a mood disorder diagnosis, which is not honestly out of line, based on the drug impact on the brain. Yesterday out of the blue, I am being screamed F.U. you F.W#@!. You are dead to me... .blah blah. This is not the first time in 3 months of him being here.

However, I am on my way of checking out with him. I did not survive 18 years of angst over this, for THIS. I have battled getting my oldest sober and straight the last 3 years. I do not have anything left. I know that sounds a bit selfish, ok a lot. But I just cannot do this, I do not want to. But I am unfortunately a helper/enabler.


HELP!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Mama_is_TIRED

Welcome to the family 

We are so glad you found us and sorry that you have had to endure so much pain to reconnect with your son.  I can only imagine going 18 years longing for a relationship and then to have that relationship be so hard.

It is good that your son has been through rehab.  Do you believe he is clean since coming into your home?  How is his relationship with his older brother?  Do both sons live with you?

The dx of PTSD and Abandonment may very well parallel many of the same symptoms of BPD.  Due to drug use it would be difficult to make an accurate diagnoses I suppose.  Is your son in any kind of support group... .NA maybe?

I can understand your frustration level being through the roof!  When we want to help our kids more than they want to help themselves it sets us up for suffering... .we have all been there.  The first thing I had to do to protect myself and take care of myself when my kid would rage at me was to set a boundary regarding verbal abuse.  Do you think you can do that?

Boundaries are only one of the many skills that work to help ourselves, our relationships and even our children.  I won't try to convince you that this is easy... .it isn't!  It takes time, work, and commitment. 

The Tools and Lessons on the right side of the page are invaluable for empowerment through knowledge.  We are here to help you understand, learn and practice the tools and lessons.

lbj

[tristesse]

Hello MAMA

Welcome to our family, and let me echo lbjnltx in saying, I'm glad you found us.

I hear the pain in and frustration in  your post, and I'm so sorry you are going through so much. I understand how difficult it is, and how hurtful our children can be.

I want to share some information that you may find helpful. Your son was removed from your care at age 8 months old ( to a child that could be abandonment ) he was in a home that was not conducive to proper parenting, and possibly emotionally damaging,( ptsd ).  BPD often comes from a child who suffers reactive attachment dis-order that was untreated or misdiagnosed and improperly treated. I believe from your post that is probably what your sons situation is, he felt abandoned by you  his mother, not having you to make sure he knew and understood the truth, all he had was what others were telling him and what his undeveloped mind created. This is where the reactive attachment disorder comes in, as he grew into an older child and was not diagnosed or treated, he grew more and more uncertain, and his mind started to develop differently. He is wired slightly differently. Now as an adult, he has BPD. This is not a sentence to death or a life of misery, people get better, they do recover, but it is not easy. It is not easy for you and not easy for them.

Take some time to go through the lessons and tools posted on the right side of this board, they are so helpful in learning how to cope and communicate with you BPD loved one.  Please keep posting and sharing your story, there are so many people here that know and understand and can offer helpful advice and tips.

Take care of yourself too, that is ultra important. Hug to you new friend. Stay strong.