I said I would give her time but now I feel unsafe in doing so?

[catanaition]

My uBPD room mate and close friend gets triggered when I go out with other people. Last night I stayed over at a friends and saw today on twitter my room mate talking about not allowing me back into our home (using the chain lock rather than the keyed lock). I am extremely upset about this and worried that I will go home today and be unable to enter my own home (we are both on lease). At this point I am thinking that if I can get in that I will just take my things and go.

At the same time we had a discussion about the jealous rages and her self harm and I had given her an ultimatum: get into therapy, show me some changes by the end of May or we were not living together any more.

I don't know what shortening that time span will do and I am stuck. I don't think she will harm my possessions/me but I know that now or later when I detach she will probably hurt herself.

[momtara]

Sounds like you are being a good friend and trying to manage this situation, but you are not a professional. Is there a professional you can reach out to for advice, esp. re the self harm? If you think she could hurt herself if you leave, that's a big burden to deal with. You're not the first here to worry about that, and won't be the last.

[catanaition]

I finally put myself in therapy a few weeks ago and it is doing me a lot of good. Getting the 'Yes you're doing what you can, no the way she is acting is not okay.' from an objective observer has been really helpful to me in not questioning/feeling guilt at my own boundaries.

[OnceConfused]

1. The more you feel guilty about what your roommate does or will do, the more you are falling into their trap with the so-called FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). Be on your own two feet.

If she threatens to self harm and don't quickly react ,but say in a calm voice that "heh I think what you suggest to do to yourself is putting too much responsibility on my mind. That is not fair to me. Next time, when you say that again, I will call the police to help you and your family as well. IS THAT ACCEPTABLE WITH YOU ?

2. Tell her that you pay half of the rent and so you have the right to come and go whenever you choose. So if she changes the lock or lock you out, you will call the police to break the lock and she is responsible for the repair.

By May, you should consider looking for a new apartment with a different roommate. This one has too much drama and you pay for rent to live there and not paying for the drama in your life

[Mike-X]

I am sorry to hear about the high conflict, rages, threats of self-harm, etc. that you  have been through.

How long have you been roommates?

Do you have a support group (other than this board)? Have you discussed your situation with the leasing agents?

What have you studied about BPD, and what have you tried when she is dysregulated?

It is good that you are seeing a therapist who is supportive. Have you read about fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG)? Have you examined within yourself why you feel obligated to tolerate her behavior?

[catanaition]

We have been living together in various places since November 2013 with the first BPD episode (though I didn't know that was what it was at the time) over New Years that year.

I've only just pin-pointed what the illness is. Originally I had thought maybe severe bipolar and I hadn't heard of BPD really. I wrote into an advice column and Walking on Eggshells was recommended to me by the columnist. My roommate hit so many points on the list of symptoms that for me at least it was undeniable (have not brought up my suspicions with her obvs).

I haven't done anything with our LL yet (we're renting his condo) but I know that I will have to sooner than later. Whatever way I end up falling on whether I can continue to live with her or not I will not be resigning a lease with her and will be looking to put it into my name.

I invited her to this country (she's moved from the states to Canada) because I knew that where she was she was unhappy. I thought maybe a change of scenery and more money in her pocket would help and that we were both fairly solitary people and could live well together (had no clue that she would get so attached and needy).

Right now I am trying to do what my therapist has suggested: Protect myself with my Shield of Boundaries and if I need to, defend with my Sword of Validation.

The problem comes in separating what I know intellectually (this is not my fault, these are not reasonable actions, I need to be calm) from what is there emotionally (when I set Boundary X she self harms--> I feel guilty, she tells me I am abandoning her--> I feel angry/confused, she is lashing out-->I can't be calm and I am scared). It is a mess :'(

[Mike-X]

I certainly get that it is a mess. You were trying to help a person who you thought was just unhappy about her circumstances, and then she overwhelms you with BPD, seemingly pretty extreme BPD at that.

I like the Shield of Boundaries and Sword of Validation.  :)epersonalizing is also important, as you have said you feel intellectually (it's not your fault, they are not reasonable actions). It is all part of a disorder.

So you have dealt with BPD episodes for over a year now. Sorry.

How old is she, if you don't mind me asking?

[catanaition]

She is 24 and I am 25.

[Mike-X]

She is 24 and I am 25.

Thanks. The reason that I asked is because one way to think about it is that she has made it this far into adulthood without you. Just something to keep in mind if you find yourself feeling guilty or obligated to be a caretaker for her.

Of course, suicidal threats and self-harming are serious issues. When I started studying about BPD, I worried about suicidal threats with my then GF. She did make some comments about suicidal thoughts in her past, but she never made any threats to me. However, with just the worry that I experienced learning about suicidal threats as a symptom, I can imagine how you might feel.

Has she said that she will get into therapy?

[catanaition]

She's pretty much said it's "silly", "expensive" and "won't work" so I don't have a lot of hope. I did get a couple of names from my therapist for people in our area who do DBT so once I pass those on I'll consider myself having done as much as I can. I'm not hopeful that she will do it so I am currently considering my options for detaching in May. Sucks but if it has to be done it has to be done and I will deal with my feelings about it in therapy x_X;

[lolli]

Hi Catanaition,

I'm new to this site and to BPD in general, so I really don't know what I'm talking about, but I wanted to say that I can definitely feel for what you are going through.  Right now, I'm having issues with a person in my (romantic) life who I feel is BPD, and in the past I had a friend who I have no idea if she had/has BPD, but she had some serious personality problems, and she used to use all kinds of brow-beating and blackmail to get her way, and if you didn't do what she wanted, she viewed you as a traitor, which is how our friendship eventually ended.  Even though it's been years since I've seen her, I still have bouts of guilt occasionally.  But I feel that way less often now that time has passed, and I'm sure once there is distance between you and your friend, you will feel less uncomfortable with the separation.

As for the suicide threats, I totally agree with everything OnceConfused said.  The person in my life now ("Luke" once insinuated he was thinking about killing himself.  He said it in a way that made it sound like he was trying to hide it but let it slip out.  But I really think it was all a big con job.  But in case it wasn't, and to put an end to it if it was, I told him, "If that's what you're thinking about, I'll call the police right now."  I didn't say it like a threat or a challenge, but more like serious concern, and I took out my phone to do it.  Of course, he didn't let me call, and he changed the subject to something else, and his manner, etc., made me felt pretty confident that he had been making empty threats.  If he had acted in some other way that led me to believe he had been serious, I would have called the police.  And then THEY would have handled it. 

No matter what, you do NOT have to be responsible for someone else's life that way.  It's a responsibility NO ONE has the right to put on you. 

[Mike-X]

She's pretty much said it's "silly", "expensive" and "won't work" so I don't have a lot of hope. I did get a couple of names from my therapist for people in our area who do DBT so once I pass those on I'll consider myself having done as much as I can. I'm not hopeful that she will do it so I am currently considering my options for detaching in May. Sucks but if it has to be done it has to be done and I will deal with my feelings about it in therapy x_X;

In saying that about therapy, was she acknowledging that she has a problem?

[catanaition]

@Lolli: Thank you for your kind words. As I'm finally breaking out of these really bad patterns we've fallen into over the last year-and-a-bit it has been hard to look at my needs as okay. I hang out in a lot of social justice circles and its difficult to be told constantly that the mentally ill need help and to be angry with the things they cannot control = ableism.

@Mike: I think that in calmer moments she is aware that the rages, jealousy and intense shame and self-hate are not ways that most people feel/react to problems. During our last talk I called out the isolation tactics and hostage taking (of herself) for what I have seen them as for a while, eg. emotional abuse. During that talk she was able to tell me about the feeling of 'emptiness' clearly for the first time though I had been able to glean that from prior talks. No apologies though.

When she is upset I don't think that she is aware of how intense she is being until after she has calmed down. Last night when I was saying good night she got overly clingy/playful (didn't want me to go to bed even though I have work today). When I told her I did not want to be tickled/play bitten and that I was going to bed now she immediately flipped and painted me black for the rest of the night. Apparently I am a jerk for not wanting to be touched however she wants to touch me and out came the suicide threats again in the form of another nasty tweet.

When I come home tonight there will be a 50/50 chance of her having gotten over it or her locking herself in her room and slamming the doors etc whenever she emerges.