Also a touchy point with me, being the daughter of a mom with BPD.
First and foremost: I am glad to be here!
The decision to have a child is complicated. Part of a mature decision to have a child is to raise that child to be who he or she is meant to be- a separate individual with a mind of their own and a destiny of their own. The desire is to be giving to the child, and nurture them.
The trouble comes when the person with PD has a desire to raise a child in order to fulfill something missing in them. It is about what the child will do for them, not about what they can do for the child. The "child" they want is the idealized child, however, since children don't come into this world with the primary purpose of meeting their parents needs, they can also be painted black. I think this happened about the time I first made a messy poop or threw up. My mother tells a story about how I threw up on her carpet on purpose. ( I was a toddler).
Dad was wise enough ( and was able to) to hire sitters and household help for mom. He had no idea what was going on with my mom, but I get the sense that he knew not to have her do the hands on unpleasant work of child care. We didn't appreciate that as kids. We wanted a mommy like our friends had- a mommy who raised them and took care of them. However, I am grateful for that now.
Dad also had to take on the role of both parents and breadwinner. This means taking us out for dinner many nights to get us away from her bad moods, driving us places, homework help. This also meant he had a special role in our lives. I have discussed his co-dependency with mom, however, I also owe much of who I am, in the positive sense- to my father and I adored him.
Since I was painted black, I have had a tumultuous relationship with my mother.
Max, if you want a child, you must take into account your wife's ability to parent one and recognize that the outcome for that child depends entirely on you, your ability to manage your wife and the role of both parents. It will also depend on your financial ability to hire someone to care for the child in the event that you must be out of the home.
Financially, it means having a large enough insurance policy to include hiring child care as well as help for your wife if you are the main breadwinner.
As I said before, I am glad and grateful to be here, and I owe the happy aspects of my childhood to my father.
