"she never gave me closure, only talked to her 2 years later"

[Reecer1588]

Many of you already know my story, I really appreciate all of your support. I broke down again and unblocked her on facebook, more sadness upon seeing her Profile pic.

November I originally break up with her. She begs me to stay friends. I comply. We soon start telling each other we love each other again.

And then, as I have intricately outlined in my own introduction thread, TURMOIL.. All the way up until the very end, when the hostility started, she kept telling me that she loved me.

And now, after weeks of turmoil, weeks of DEAFENING SILENCE.

And today I got the worst blow I could have gotten. I have been talking to her ex boyfriend, who totally (but surprised to the extent of the lengths she went to on me) identifies with me. Said that all the things she did to me: Bouts of emotionally charged rage, the Silent Treatment, Passive Aggression, etc. She did to him.  He just told me "she changed after her parents got divorced (It was a really nasty divorce her parents put her through, and in some ways still IS going through). Told me that my uBPDexgf never contacted him. Only after 2 years, and with him initiating the contact, did they talk again. And I know for a FACT guys, because we went to the same high school, that my ex DID NOT have a replacement that whole time for the 1st boyfriend. She was able to just never give him closure, and didn't even have a replacement.


She told me that she was "Glad she eliminated me from her life", and then a few weeks later she was able to have a detective at her college call me personally just to say "she wants you to just leave her the hell alone

This phrase isn't "I want some space" or " I don't know" or anything like that! All of the statements I've read real BPD exes use on this forum.


She was able to go from saying that she loves me, to absolutely actively ruining my life, to COMPLETE SILENCE in the span of 1.5 months or less.

And I'm still crying daily, still praying daily that she'll text me.


Guys this doesn't sound like BPD to me. I've read over and over again that there are recycle attempts, she legitimately wants me to fall off the face of the Earth. She just doesn't care.

How can she feel NOTHING? How can she tell me straight up "I'm glad I made the decision "TO ELIMINATE YOU FROM MY LIFE"

WHAT KIND OF PERSON SAYS THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?'

Is that really BPD at all?

She doesn't cut herself, she doesn't party. She doesn't have a lot of friends.

I just don't even know if this forum is right for me anymore.

HOW? How can I be DYING inside, with a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome... .and She's HAPPY? Wants to hear NOTHING from me?

She doesn't indirect contact me, she doesn't stalk my social media, she doesn't do anything.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain  :'(

This is a mental illness you're trying to understand - and there's no understanding to be had.  You are trying to understand her emotions, when BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation - and she is likely even incomprehensible to herself. You are expecting her to react emotionally the way you do - but if she did she wouldn't have BPD!

You are banging your head against the wall, trying to understand something you cannot relate to on an emotional level in any way, shape or form.  People with BPD often dissociate - do you know what that means?  They can cut off all emotions and numb themselves.  It is a defense mechanism and they are often very, very good at it.

Her reaction to you is all about HER - it says NOTHING about your worth as a human begin.

You are worthy of love, affection and respect.

Don't forget that.

[sirensong65]

Sounds absolutely like BPD to me.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

The whole cluster B spectrum is typically co-morbid with each other.  She might have borderline traits or not.  It is too simple to paint someone as BPD.  Everyone is a unique mix of traits, good and bad.  There are different kinds of borderlines as well that rage in different manners.  

 Looking at them will only take you so far.  Why do you hold on to someone that is able to dissociate everything they had with you?  How can you work through your pain and grow?

[Infared]

One word:

Sociopath.

At this point... .it doesn't matter how or why she is the way she is. She just is. You cannot fix or change her.

You can get past this. Just focus on her actions, ONLY.   Not her words. That tells the story. She is a very sick, self-centered individual.  You cannot figure it out, because she is not built like you. She is selfish and cold. Can just cut things off... .

Try to see it very clearly.  The worst thing in the world for you and your life is for her to get in contact with you.  Trust me... .it will just be more craziness and pain for you.  

Can you see a T... .it might help steer you?  Just a thought. It helped me a lot!

I like what jnkbuzz says!

"You are worthy of love, affection and respect.

Don't forget that."

We can all use a dose of that!

[downwhim]

She sounds like a BPD to me. The push/pull can send you on a rollercoaster of emotions and keep you in pain. Do you have access to a T? I think it would help for clarity.

I also got the book, From Abandonment to Healing. I am slowly reading it. Lots of good information on how to handle PD and why we chose them.

This is your time to look back at the  's, and recognize YOU deserve better.

Good luck my friend.

[PaintedBlack28]

Reecer, I am sorry for your pain. Been there. This is typical BPD IMO. You cant try to understand the disorder, you can go nuts trying.

Be strong, brother.

[JRT]

Mine threw me off in this way as well: she didn't party or take drugs, she didn't hurt herself and, most notably, she never had a replacement ready in previous recycles (nor do I believe that she has one yet) and tended to stay away from her next relationship for a while. And even when she did get around to finding one, she was REALLY picky. She didn't go after the first one with a pulse as many BPD's do.

This is consistent with a hermit type of BPD (she also had serious problems with sleep which is also consistent with this type, among other things). The rest of her was all BPD waif. One of the things that threw me off here is that she never raged at me ever. I later connected that although she never raged at me, she DID rage at her son (the rage target doesn't have to be romantic). It doesn't always seem to be cut and dry with them.

While it is important to embrace you and your hurt, it does some to work towards the same goal to have an understand of what has happened to you even if its within the context of crazy behavior, so I get it. Keep reading this threads... .you will have many 'ah HA!' moments that will help you towards getting a more complete snapshot of what transpired. I just about have mine figured out... .

[hurting300]

One word:

Sociopath.

At this point... .it doesn't matter how or why she is the way she is. She just is. You cannot fix or change her.

You can get past this. Just focus on her actions, ONLY.   Not her words. That tells the story. She is a very sick, self-centered individual.  You cannot figure it out, because she is not built like you. She is selfish and cold. Can just cut things off... .

Try to see it very clearly.  The worst thing in the world for you and your life is for her to get in contact with you.  Trust me... .it will just be more craziness and pain for you.  

Can you see a T... .it might help steer you?  Just a thought. It helped me a lot!

I like what jnkbuzz says!

"You are worthy of love, affection and respect.

Don't forget that."

We can all use a dose of that!

I agree with you. She sounds more anti social...

[Reecer1588]

One word:

Sociopath.

At this point... .it doesn't matter how or why she is the way she is. She just is. You cannot fix or change her.

You can get past this. Just focus on her actions, ONLY.   Not her words. That tells the story. She is a very sick, self-centered individual.  You cannot figure it out, because she is not built like you. She is selfish and cold. Can just cut things off... .

Try to see it very clearly.  The worst thing in the world for you and your life is for her to get in contact with you.  Trust me... .it will just be more craziness and pain for you.  

Can you see a T... .it might help steer you?  Just a thought. It helped me a lot!

I like what jnkbuzz says!

"You are worthy of love, affection and respect.

Don't forget that."

We can all use a dose of that!

I agree with you. She sounds more anti social...

From eeryone i've talked to, they tell me "Probably primary BPD with cormobid anto social tendencies"

This fits the best. My ex was a clear BPD Hermit. Incessant text messaging, especially to rage at me, only a handful of friends. Maybe only 1 'real' friend. Watches a crap ton of netflix. Has over 5,000+ 'pins' on pinterest (which i still follow because I can follow it anonymously). Absolutely obsessed with horses!

[Reecer1588]

If anyone else has any input on what I posted here... .please do reply. I just don't know if I fit in here with my story.

[Blimblam]

You are here and you fit in.  

We can't diagnose but if you educate yourself and ideally get into therapy there is understanding to be had.  I figured my ex out and understand it and many others have as well. You are not far out of the rs itself and it must be very painful and confusing.  

There is a behavior known as splitting where they project their own inner conflict onto you and then see that part of them self as you. Essentially you become their tampon for the parts of themself that is the crap that is too painful for them to deal with.  So you are left holding the bag as they run away from themself as they run away from you.

[Dutched]

It is too common when you read older post that no closure seems to be possible Reecer1588

As Blim said, you are split black and maybe forever or at least a long time.

Let me tell you my experience.

Some months ago  (after a 4 yrs exw left) I accidently saw exw on a terrace with her soother (she early 50, he a 65 retired old looking man, Michelin puppet shape with tattoos (for exw tattoos were totally disgusting) , fled from the UK in a camper, hooked a desperate and willingly last next soulmate,to be pampered for his old days… )

With great confident (having a soother standby to protect her… ) exw waved at me (al these yrs. exw avoided with all means to see me).

So I thought I confront her… now that exw acts so confident.

After my 1st question, exw already crumbled down

After the 3rd question the crumbling down was complete, desperate giving subtle signs to her soother… for me so easy to pick up… The poor old man failed to pick them up… leaving her more devastated and alone… together

(I used deliberately a lot English words, special for her UK soother).

Minutes later, as I walked to my car, the old soother waved at me… The rescuer, he thought to be, but failed again, the danger was already so far away… So already twice het failed to rescue her… Devaluation process  full in progress now…

Closure needed?

No, it was given for free to me, more exw not even realising she gave it…

So despite of the live long loss I feel of my family I walked away with a big smile, really a big smile!

Exw happy a 4 yrs later? No happiness to see at that table, empty and death eyes as I have only seen them  once before (after ewx in an outburst dumped her family)

Hang in there! Now you long for closure, as most of us did.

But there is no need, it’s given to you for free…   and they don’t even realise it…