How do I cope with my partner's idealisation of others?

[Lumpy_]

He has a desperate need to nd liked by everyone, coupled with the fact that he doesn't have an ability to regulate his interactions with others, i.e., what's appropriate, what isn't.

He develops infatuations with others very easily and recognises that part, but seems to have a total inability to recognise where it comes from. I feel like us normal folk do experience this, where we are attracted to others because they're nice to us and we can have a conversation, but if we ever feel a threat of it becoming more than platonic we put things in place, naturally, that prevent any further feelings developing.

My SO and other BPDs don't seem to recognise any of this, they just continue feeding into it. It's almost like they're in love with falling in love.

How do I cope with this? We've had discussions before but he doesn't really get it and at the moment, is latching himself onto a friend of mine. She categorically would not feed into anything and would immediately tell me if she felt he was being inappropriate or he was getting too involved, but what can I do? Is it just something I have to live with?

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[OffRoad]

That depends on your SO. I know my H, will latch onto people who are nice to him when he is stressed (My H manages most of the time pretty well, it's stress that gets him). My friends know where to draw the line with courtesy. And his friends know when to let him know he's treading dangerously. One friend has a favorite line of "You know, that action could be interpreted wrong by some people."

PwBPD like the good feeling they get when someone interacts nicely with them, and they want that feeling to continue.

Does he seem open to anyone giving him a heads up if he steps too close to the line?

[Lumpy_]

I know that people will do, regardless of whether or not he is happy about it.

Sadly, this is a boundary I have made clear many a time - simply that I would not tolerate a partner that fed into infatuations or potential ones. I never made it about him or directly addressed him, just expressed it quite clearly and used the term, 'a partner'. It just hurts so badly when it starts to happen and he classically becomes somewhat emotionally withdrawn from me, yet expects me to keep putting up with it and doesn't want me to leave. Why not, if you're so unhappy, not getting your needs met that you seek them from elsewhere? Yet he holds me to a set of standards I can't control, e.g., is immediately threatened, uncomfortable and insecure when a man so much as looks at me or male friends initiate the odd FB conversation with me.

I don't think he understands or is all that accepting of boundaries, even though he repeats the same speel about how he is willing to change and resolve issues whenever we discuss things. I think he sees them as a form of control, even though I've only ever focused on what I'm willing to accept, not what I'm telling him to do.

Do you have any tips on wording boundaries, at all? And more importantly, how to reinforce them? I feel like I can't broach this subject because he has brushed the whole thing off as me being possessive in the past, this despite him openly admitting he develops infatuations, "too easily" and having had an emotional affair in his last LTR, one he attempted to continue into the beginning of our relationship. And he couldn't make sense of why his ex left!

[apollotech]

My BPDexgf clearly saw no problems with flirting (what a normal person calls it) with any man that looked her way. If a man said "hello" she ran with it... .smiling, laughing, the "little old me" routine, etc. Not only did she not see that as a problem, she accepted no responsibility in doing it. She would say in defending her flirtations, "I don't even know how to flirt." One of my favorites of hers was the old standard, "We're just friends." I was only with her for 8 months before I walked out, but there is now no doubt in my mind that to her, a male "friend" was someone that she was obligated to bed. She had many, many male orbiters ("friends". It turns my stomach that a woman would disrespect herself in that way.

Lumpy_, like your SO, mine could not stand anyone not liking her. She would work very hard to make sure that she was liked. I now see her behavior in this regard, not during the time that we were together, as very child-like. She readily passed out an "I love you" at the conclusion of phone/text conversations with people, male or female. That too was very child-like. She would adopt a child-like voice if it was verbally said. This from a 48 year old woman. I always found it odd that she would never even put a quarter of said effort into making sure that I liked her. I finally, FINALLY!, recognized that she was broken beyond repair.

[waverider]

It is not so much they want people to like them, They are afraid that people will hate them, criticize them, or see them as lessor. In a black and white world in order for people not to hate you they have to be made to like you. There is no normal indifference.

In order to get someone to like them they "over like them first'. On the basis of if I like you to death you will like me to death in return, they wil be validated all will be roses and right with the world.

Invariably if the idealization is not return with the prequisite response, they can feel cheated and switch to devaluation

People who are over the top nice often have deep seated insecurities.

[Lumpy_]

I now see her behavior in this regard, not during the time that we were together, as very child-like. She readily passed out an "I love you" at the conclusion of phone/text conversations with people, male or female. That too was very child-like. She would adopt a child-like voice if it was verbally said. This from a 48 year old woman. I always found it odd that she would never even put a quarter of said effort into making sure that I liked her.

YES! These hit the nail on the head, massively. He does it, too, with people who he wants to connect with but may not necessarily know that well - e.g., when my brother came to stay (he doesn't know him that well because he lives 3hrs away) I was really surprised to hear him say, in this tiny baby voice, that he loved him! He sometimes does it with my sister as well and did it very quickly and also does it with friends, male or female. Then again he also does the voice with me.

The effort in getting others to see him in a good light is mismatched with how he treats me, yes.

Waverider that makes perfect sense, thank you. My friend is aware of the issues he has and is helping me through it, it has also been mega helpful to hear everyone's experiences and the rationalising behind it.

Still figuring out how to handle it, to be honest. The emotional withdrawal and showing off about it, until I figure out, 'what I've done wrong' seems just too much to cope with.

[apollotech]

Lumpy_,

I hope that you find a way to hang in there. For myself, when I was with my BPDexgf, her marginalizing me (withholding her emotions, ignoring my needs/wants) wrecked me. I had no idea what was going on. I had never even heard of BPD. This woman would meet a stranger in the street and treat him like a king, yet she'd treat me like I was not worthy of her time. I was pouring every resource of myself into the relationship, trying to please/appease her, trying to prove my value, etc. and she walked all over me and my feelings. I had never met someone so vile, cruel, and selfish in my entire life. Her only saving grace is that she has a mental disorder. I wish you all the best in your situation. Please take care of yourself!