Does your pwBPD truly want to get along with you?

[flowerpath]

At a recent conference for my profession, one of the topics was about people who are difficult to work with.  Work is a piece of cake.  I was taking notes... .for home!  

The speaker discussed task-oriented people (who need to get things done and get them done right, who need control and perfection) and people-oriented people (whose intent is to get along with others and get appreciated, who need approval and attention).     

What I’ve learned here at BPD Family is that a pwBPD needs attention, needs approval, and needs to be appreciated.  Just one more characteristic mentioned at that session – the intent to get along with others – and these four characteristics describe a people-focused person.

I never really compared a task-oriented pwBPD to a people-focused pwBPD.  It almost seems contradictory that a pwBPD could be a people-focused person, but I can see how the lack of getting attention, lack of getting approval, and lack of being appreciated – and invalidation - can foil what could be the people-focused pwBPD's true intent to get along with others.

It’s just that an emotionally mature person is stronger and better equipped to handle lack of attention, lack of approval, lack of appreciation…and invalidation... .whereas the emotionally immature pwBPD is not and gets all out of whack? 

I know there is far, far more to BPD than this, but have you ever thought that the pwBPD in your life could have an underlying intent to get along with you and with others?   

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[cakehat]

New here... .what is a "pw"BPD?

[Notwendy]

 people-oriented people (whose intent is to get along with others and get appreciated, who need approval and attention)

I am a people oriented person, but the first thing I do when I meet someone is to get to know him or her. I think I'm a people oriented person because I like people, in general, and like to get to know them. One thing I enjoy about other people is that they are NOT me- they have their own ideas, feelings and thoughts and it is interesting to see diffent perspectives. I think I'm a people person because I care about others and enjoy seeing other people happy because I can share that too. Because I can connect with people, give approval and attention, I can also receive it. I can feel the joy of giving and consider it to enhance my happiness, not take away from it.



With a person with BPD, I think the need of approval and attention is a need to receive from others. However, since they can not approve of themselves, they can not give it to others. Since they don't feel good about themselves,, it seems that your feeling good diminishes them. It feels as if for a pw BPD to be giving isn't additive, it is taking something from them. It's more of a my side/your side, instead of an "us". I am not a separate person with my own feelings, ideas and thoughts, but a blank slate upon which they can project their feelings and fears onto. When I am with someone with BPD, I feel as if I am invisible.

[Cole]

cakehat- pwBPD means person with borderline personality disorder. Check out the glossary on the toolbar above so you can figure out what the heck we are all saying!

As for the topic at hand... .

I think many pwBPD are people oriented, but for quite selfish reasons. They start with idealization and over the top attention in hopes you will give them the same attention in return at 1,000%. It soothes their lack of self respect and makes them feel better about themselves. 

But giving them as much as they need is like filling the grand canyon with a shovel. You may want to. You may even try. But eventually, you realize it cannot be accomplished because the hole you are trying to fill is seemingly bottomless. The only one who can truly fill the hole is the pwBPD them self. 

[tjay933]

But giving them as much as they need is like filling the grand canyon with a shovel. You may want to. You may even try. But eventually, you realize it cannot be accomplished because the hole you are trying to fill is seemingly bottomless. The only one who can truly fill the hole is the pwBPD them self.

agreed.

I think many pwBPD are people oriented, but for quite selfish reasons. They start with idealization and over the top attention in hopes you will give them the same attention in return at 1,000%. It soothes their lack of self respect and makes them feel better about themselves. 

also agreed. why did i bother when you said it all? 

[vortex of confusion]

Interesting thread!

I am thinking about how my husband interacts with people. He wants to be liked and he is a people person. His intent is to get along. It doesn't seem to work though because when he meets somebody he will talk incessantly about himself. When he first met my brother's wife, he made her mad because he wanted to jump in on a story and talked down to her. He would probably argue that he didn't do that. I have seen him do that quite a bit actually. We will meet somebody and he will start talking about himself and not know when to quit.

I think this presents a problem because the intent is to get along. They want and need approval and validation and attention. They shoot themselves in the foot before solidifying the relationship or even getting it off the ground. There was a situation where my husband was joining a band. I went along with him. Much later after we had become good friends with these people, one of them told me, "We might not have asked him back if you hadn't been with him."

[flowerpath]

When I first met my H, one thing that really stood out was that he seemed like a "never met a stranger" kind of person.  When he meets someone new, he's a really good conversationalist.  It really is amazing.  It's all about them, not about him.  He asks the best kinds of questions and is funny, so he really can make a person feel at ease. He's more of a street smart person than a school smart one.

I think it really is his intent to get along with people, but if he's ever invalidated, things go sour with that person.  I've seen it happen in the workplace and in his family and of course, here.  He might be appear to get along with them face-to-face, but underneath it all, he holds a grudge or criticizes.

I want to think that in the broad scheme of things, he does want to get along with me, but whether he can get along with me depends on his mood and whatever happened who knows where and how he feels about it, or whether he has some random thought or memory of a difficult issue between us, or doesn't like what I've said.   It's variable and unpredictable and I'm his primary target when he's bent out of shape about anything. 

[waverider]

People orientated means they fear criticism, and try to impress people directly, in order not to seem lesser.

Task orientated means they define themselves by their achievement and hope to impress people by their achievements, by being better than.

It all still comes down to trying to impress people, it is just a different method of achieving it.

[babyducks]

What I’ve learned here at BPD Family is that a pwBPD needs attention, needs approval, and needs to be appreciated.  

It’s just that an emotionally mature person is stronger and better equipped to handle lack of attention, lack of approval, lack of appreciation…and invalidation... .whereas the emotionally immature pwBPD is not and gets all out of whack? 

I know there is far, far more to BPD than this, but have you ever thought that the pwBPD in your life could have an underlying intent to get along with you and with others?   

I'm returning to the boards after a fairly long absence, and I can't tell you how happy I am to find you all still here and working on things.   Thank you.   

What's going on for me right now is my elderly parents are both suffering a spell of ill health and my pwBPD is feeling my attention shift to them and away from her.   She is reacting and I think trying hard not to.

I fall into the camp of being a task orientated person, its pretty obvious.   Trying to puzzle out if she is people oriented or task oriented I would say, more people oriented but with from the perspective of being people oriented to help assuage her fears. 

[Notwendy]

Thanks for clarifying the people oriented idea. That is also a part of being extremenly co-dependent- basing your own sense of self on how you think others perceive you, and doing what you can to manipulate that perception ( by being super nice )

Ironically, by being other people oriented in this way, one becomes self centered and self focused, measuring other people by one's internal state.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Well, nice and good are two different things.  My h is a good person in many ways.  He can be generous without expecting anythkng in return.  Especially, when it comes to donating to charities or buying gifts for others.

He is extremely task oriented and can always work circles arou d everyone.  This was valued in his FOO.  But, he looks down on the rest of us mere mortals.

But, i worry when he is trying to be "nice".  For example, extra chores, being patient unexpectedly, etc.  Usually he is doing some "nice" things in an effort to get something in return.  If it doesn't work out the way he has hoped, goodbye Mr. Nice Guy!  I think it is because he never wanted to do those "nice" things in the first place and feels like he has been taken advantage of.

He also very rarely apologizes.  He explained that he hates to apologize because it never really gets him anywhere.  When he does apologize, it is usually half-hearted and then expects to be immediately forgiven.  Never speak of whatever again... .

[waverider]

Well, nice and good are two different things.  My h is a good person in many ways.  He can be generous without expecting anythkng in return.  Especially, when it comes to donating to charities or buying gifts for others.

Does he do this without letting anyone know? The return is not always a material reward, but simply an approval for doing so. Often shows as grand gestures. Being seen to be generous is important.