After 19 years of marriage, I'm convinced I never knew her.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Initiated divorce of dBPDxw in October 2014, after what was externally her complete meltdown.  Things were said to me (relationship ending things) that I could not possibly have predicted I'd ever hear.  In essence, I was told that there never was a relationship; this despite a multi-year courtship, an accepted marriage proposal, her initiation of two pregnancies and the birth of our two children, and the purchase of two homes.  You got that right -- she "never felt anything for me."

As I get further away from it, and well into a new and RADICALLY BETTER relationship with a fully functional woman, I've developed what seems more and more to be an abiding belief that I never knew my ex wife at all.  It's hard for me to understand how a person could live the way she claims to have lived.  As I am told, she spent her entire adult life doing only things that she did not want to do.

My T says that he has never come across someone devaluing decades of her life like this -- painting it all black.  I was shocked to hear her tell me that the marriage had never been good, and that there were five or seven points along the way that she wanted to get divorced.  I'm objective about my life, and I can tell you that there was never a sign that she was dealing with the issue of not wanting to be married (though there was a raft of other character and trauma issues that she dealt with -- never able to be happy or content, ever).  Indeed, she seemed fully engaged in our life together, wanting children, going on family vacations, wanting houses, cars, etc.  She did want material things far more than I ever have, and in a real sense her happiness seems to be depend on externalities, and maybe that in itself might have been a sign that something like this (collapse of the relationship) was bound to happen. But there were never signs of withdrawal from the relationship.

I never knew her, or at any rate, never understood her.  Now I think that I have even less an idea of who she is.  I think it's possible that she has very little idea who she is.       

[goateeki]

Initiated divorce of dBPDxw in October 2014, after what was externally her complete meltdown.  Things were said to me (relationship ending things) that I could not possibly have predicted I'd ever hear.  In essence, I was told that there never was a relationship; this despite a multi-year courtship, an accepted marriage proposal, her initiation of two pregnancies and the birth of our two children, and the purchase of two homes.  You got that right -- she "never felt anything for me."

As I get further away from it, and well into a new and RADICALLY BETTER relationship with a fully functional woman, I've developed what seems more and more to be an abiding belief that I never knew my ex wife at all.  It's hard for me to understand how a person could live the way she claims to have lived.  As I am told, she spent her entire adult life doing only things that she did not want to do.

My T says that he has never come across someone devaluing decades of her life like this -- painting it all black.  I was shocked to hear her tell me that the marriage had never been good, and that there were five or seven points along the way that she wanted to get divorced.  I'm objective about my life, and I can tell you that there was never a sign that she was dealing with the issue of not wanting to be married (though there was a raft of other character and trauma issues that she dealt with -- never able to be happy or content, ever).  Indeed, she seemed fully engaged in our life together, wanting children, going on family vacations, wanting houses, cars, etc.  She did want material things far more than I ever have, and in a real sense her happiness seems to be depend on externalities, and maybe that in itself might have been a sign that something like this (collapse of the relationship) was bound to happen. But there were never signs of withdrawal from the relationship.

I never knew her, or at any rate, never understood her.  Now I think that I have even less an idea of who she is.  I think it's possible that she has very little idea who she is.       

[HappyNihilist]

goateeki, I'm so sorry - being devalued like that by a partner of 2 decades is incredibly painful and feels invalidating.   I'm glad you are moving on, focusing on yourself, and healing.

I never knew her, or at any rate, never understood her. 

This is truth. We can spend years/decades in a relationship with a disordered person, and as much time as we want researching and intellectualizing the disorder, and still never be able to truly understand.

We all have BPD traits/behaviors at some point in our lives... .but non-borderlines can never comprehend what it's like to not have an integrated sense of self. We can't help but see our BPDexes' behavior through that lens, because we can't imagine another way of being. (Similarly, the unrecovered borderline can't imagine what it's like to have an integrated self.)

I think it's possible that she has very little idea who she is.

This is also truth.

Thomas Fuchs has an excellent article, "Fragmented Selves: Temporality and Identity in Borderline Personality Disorder" (pdf of article), that examines the borderline personality and the "fragmentation of the narrative self"--

Patients with borderline personality disorder lack the capacity to establish a coherent self-concept. Instead, they adopt what could be called a ‘post-modernist’ stance towards their life, switching from one present to the next and being totally identified with their present state of affect. Instead of repression, their means of defence consists in a temporal splitting of the self that excludes past and future as dimensions of object constancy, bonding, commitment, responsibility and guilt. The temporal fragmentation of the self avoids the necessity of tolerating the threatening ambiguity and uncertainty of interpersonal relationships. The price, however, consists in a chronic feeling of inner emptiness caused by the inability to integrate past and future into the present and thus to establish a coherent sense of identity.

   

The borderline exists without a sense of self, without a consistent identity... .guided by feelings and emotions and the present moment... .alternating between discrete mental states that all contain different coping strategies and concepts of self and relationships.

The ultimate solution to the puzzle of the borderline is, quite simply, that there is no solution. This, all of this, is who they are - and who they aren't.

[saintjude]

  I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It is so excruciating, and if you're anything like me, those words could make you feel like you have been participating in a lie and that you have wasted many years. I know I've felt that about my own situation.

   Like many here, I can relate. My marriage of 15 years is ending and over the years I have heard and am hearing many of the same things you've described. I've heard "I never loved you", "I was pressured into marrying you", "I've spend my life making decisions to make other people happy".

  Whats confusing to many of us here is that those words are often followed by panicked attempts to smooth it over, take it back, etc.

  I'm learning that many of the things said were what she felt in the moment and she probably did feel those things from time to time. We all do. The difference is that when we're healthy we know that feelings pass and that love is sometimes a feeling and sometimes a choice. a pwBPD struggles to stay engaged with something that doesn't have instant payoff.

  As our relationship was coming to an end, we had a very real week or so of time together, sex, and vulnerable conversations. Her words (pleading with me to change my mind that if she left again, I would file for divorce) were, "This week has been wonderful and excruciating. I can't bear the feelings I have for you and the threat of real intimacy that comes with that. I'm a broken woman." Ahhh.

  I din't know much about BPD at the time, but in hindsight this makes much more sense. She moved into her own apartment, and I followed through with my boundary despite her begging me to change my mind every time we would talk or see each other. 48 hours after her last plea she was with a new guy.

  I've spent hours trying to make sense of everything. Replaying conversations, proving her wrong in my head as to why what she was saying wasn't true. The reality is that if our "truth" was decided in a court case I would probably win, but ultimately it is a huge waste and a futile exercise for me. The hitch of it all is that her reality and actual reality rarely aligned. I need to reset my compass as to what "real" and "healthy" is. I'm learning to let it go and depersonalize. Some days are better than others. Today sucks, but tomorrow may be better.

  I know how confusing and hurtful it can be, and I'm so sorry for all involved when I read a story like yours. It is unfair and tragic. As best as you can, try to know how little is probably has to do with you. This is so easy for me to see when a friend is confiding about struggles, and so hard to apply it to my own life.

  I'll be saying a big blanket prayer for everyone on this board tonight.

[goateeki]

    As our relationship was coming to an end, we had a very real week or so of time together, sex, and vulnerable conversations. Her words (pleading with me to change my mind that if she left again, I would file for divorce) were, "This week has been wonderful and excruciating. I can't bear the feelings I have for you and the threat of real intimacy that comes with that. I'm a broken woman." Ahhh.

 

Once, after I filed the complaint in divorce, she was at the house and I came across her in what used to be our bed, this after we had taken to separate bedrooms.  I didn't do anything other than walk to my dresser and get out a pair of socks I needed.  I didn't even look at her.  The following day, she would not look at me and would communicate with me only through the children (which is a fairly lowlife thing to do).  I don't know how a person can go from acting in a sexually provocative way toward someone to not looking at them in a matter of just a few hours. 

I know I'll never really be able to understand what it's like to be inside her head and I'm grateful for that.  I'm grateful that I do not see the world as she does.