Stay Off FB Please, And My Poor Boundaries

[Turkish]

I'm saying this to myself.

Her sis tagged a video of her son with my Ex. I blocked her before she moved out a year ago, but sometimes a FB glitch shows her profile pic as an icon rather than it not being there. I saw a very tiny version of my Ex and her bf (aka, her affair partner-now-fiancee). All dressed up. I remember similar pics of us... .I guess it's normal, but it's thrown me for a loop this morning.

What wasn't normal is that she didn't bring the kids (D2 S5) to church on her Sunday yesterday. I have never asked her to, and she's in no way obligated, but she never even sent me a text ("we don't make it" which she has in the past. Maybe she's mad at me or dysregulating.

She had previously asked me to watch the kids on her day, Sat, because she had some training function that went late into the night. Then Friday evening, she called me to say that her mom wanted to take the kids out of town to a function, and that the kids would just sleep over there. So I picked them up around noon, spent two hours with them and dropped them off at their grandma's. I sent her a text, because S5 said something odd: "I'll sleep with Uncle X [15 year old], and D2 will sleep with Uncle Y [38 year old who lives in the garage]." My text wasn't exactly SET, I just told her what S5 said and that it was odd. That probably triggered her. What was I thinking? FWIW- Ex's older brother is even more BPD than my Ex, such that even she used to complain about his moodiness, self-sabotage, and love-addictive behaviors.

I felt like a chauffeur, and I should have just said for her to take them to her mom's, or for someone over there to pick them up. Two hours was better than nothing, but I think my boundaries need reinforcing, as I felt used. It's tough to detach and maintain distance since her mom watches the kids while we work, and they are the kids' family after all. I felt obligation, since it was legally her weekend, not mine. In reality, I think that my Ex would have been ok if I had said, "I had already made plans with the kids, your mom needs to give longer notice next time so we aren't altering our plans to fit around hers."

[Targeted]

Facebook?  My ex admitted to me looking at my whole family on Facebook from grandmother all the way down to my niece and daughter, accused me of hacking her phone and email but admitted trying to get into mine when I told her exactly when the date was that the password change request came in!  I would only post pictures of meatloaf on Facebook!   

[Waifed]

Sorry Turkish. You are in a tough situation and were looking out for the best interest of your child as a good parent will always do. It's also ok to get triggered at times. Having any sort of relationship with a BPD is so frustrating and illogical it naturally tugs at your heart on occasion. Unfortunately for many of us we entered the perfect storm of being in a relationship that is predisposed to fail eventually. I am still triggered occasionally after almost 1-1/2 years and sometimes it still hurts. I'll wonder how such an intense relationship could end the way it did and will briefly fantasize about calling her and working it out. Eventually I realize that it is pointless because it won't work and I am better off now. I am sure your ex is having the same issues with new guy that she has had in the past. It will surface eventually and the likelihood of them actually marrying and actually having a good marriage is unlikely.

You are in a much better position in life now and you will realize it at some point if you already haven't. Times like these can be cutting, but time does heal and the world realigns. Stay the course Turkish. You are a fine person, well respected for your patience and kindness. Someone will be lucky to call you the love of your life. It's just a matter of time!

[Suzn]

Do you think seeing the picture had anything to do with feeling used? A little anger projecting? No judgment, just curious. I've noticed this in myself with a recent family situation. I'm very aware of it so I remind myself often not to react.

[Turkish]

Do you think seeing the picture had anything to do with feeling used? A little anger projecting? No judgment, just curious. I've noticed this in myself with a recent family situation. I'm very aware of it so I remind myself often not to react.

Oh yes, feeling used, and her not telling me the kids weren't coming to church, which is a change in behavior since we've been cordial. It concerned me is all, though as I said, she is under no obligation to tell me anything.

She called me this afternoon finally, to touch base on D2's potty training... .then to ask me four things (which is why she really called me, because she needed something):

1. "Will you watch the kids on my weekend day next month because I have training" (no problem)

2. "To bring D2 to her mom's house on your Sat since it is your weekend." That's D2's birthday weekend (no problem, I anticipated this anyway).

3. To ask to take the kids to Puerto Rico either in the summer or Dec (I think her bf may be from PR, or his family... .so she may be lying by omission, which makes me angry. I already broke S5 of lying like this for now)

4. To ask if I would let her take the kids to Mexico in two years when D almost 3 is D5, and S5 is S7 "because I want to take the kids to visit with me. I'm just asking you because you're the father." I didn't mention the stipulation.  She's originally from there, but is now a US citizen. When S5 was S8 months, her green card was about to expire before her citizenship was approved and she telegraphed that if she was going to be deported, that she was taking him back "because a son belongs with his mother." Granted, that was almost 5 years ago, but still... .

I'm going to post about the last two on Legal later... .   Solid custody agreement or not, she still lies to me by omission and hides things.

Thanks for the support, guys, and I don't mind at all Suzn. I don't mind being "tried" in the court of the Board

Ecco Turkish