Being painted black by using a life situation rather than me personally (HELP)

[4Years5Months]

I was thinking that she just was exposed to the reality of her fear of intimacy, so she could be filling the void left by the breakup with someone she could never imagine being with long term and someone who would never end things with her, leaving her feeling in control.

This.  And I'll explain why.

One of my friends has been keeping tabs on her Facebook (she unfriended me at the time of breakup a month ago, kept him and everyone else).  He's shared some things with me (like the weekend together with the new guy) but tonight I had him send me screenshots of their comment conversations on Facebook.

Don't worry, this made me feel BETTER about the situation.

Now, my ex is young (25) and immature and selfish.  But she always carried herself as a mature, articulate, well read adult.  Even when she was goofy with me, it was a "I'm being silly but really, I'm just acting this way" kind of goofy.  She was very mature when things were "normal" between us.

What I saw tonight absolutely startled me.

Now first of all, this guy is a dumbass.  She told me that, and his comments show that.  But my ex is commenting back to him in the exact same way!  I've never seen her act this juvenile, and on Facebook for everyone to see.

Some examples:

A photo of the two of them:

Him:  I look anorexic.

Her:  You look FAT!  FATTY FATTY FAT FAT!

Her:  You should eat carbs!  Is butter a carb?

Him:  You're a carb!  MMMMMM

Her:  Are you calling me FAT?


Her status update:  "Having my phone charge to 100% gives me a girl boner"

(I have no doubt she said that trying to get him to respond, it worked.)

Him: I get a guy boner when you get a girl boner.

Her:  I get a girl boner when you get a guy boner to my girl boner.

Him:  I guess your request for me to have three penissesseesses makes since now. (yes he spelled it that way)

Her:  I know what my body requires.

My friend said every single exchange between them is that juvenile, joking crap.  He said you would think they were being silly friends if they hadn't taken a cheek to cheek photo that previous weekend.  Zero serious comments from either, although he said she commented "Gorgeous." on his profile photo tonight, two weeks after he posted it.  It's a public photo and I wonder if she meant for me to see that.  Just seems odd.

Again, it's shocking to see this behavior.  They are still going out to places, spending money... .not, you know, staying home and having time together that doesn't involve a bar or restaurant.  They are all places she wants to go, by the way.  There's the control aspect, Mike-X.  How much is him, and how much is it the experiences?  She is obviously mirroring him behavior wise, and it's sad.  She told me he was exactly this way months ago when she was devaluing him, but now it's oh so hilarious as she is trying to fit in.

My friend told me for about two weeks after the breakup she was her usual moping self on Facebook, but as soon as this guy started commenting all over the place, she perked up.  I think he swooped in and took advantage.  Give her attention, and she will melt.  Again, he was still married in December.  She immediately sleeps with her partners, so no wonder he's going places with her.  He knows how the night will end for him if he does.

I cannot think of a single thing they have in common.

But knowing her, eventually she will want him to validate the relationship and show something more than sarcastic jokes.  But right now, she's having a ball with him.  But I can see her wanting to know more soon.  And just wait until she has a bad day, dude.

But her behavior is startling.  Like I said, she might as well be posting about how amazing heroin is.  And I think the Religious Republican stuff doesn't matter right now.  They are well into the infatuation period.

[4Years5Months]

I have demanded a complete Facebook blackout from all of my friends, by the way.  That was all I needed to see.

[Mike-X]

The identity disturbance is sad. I have sometimes found myself asking whether I really knew my ex.

From a person receiving treatment for BPD:

www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2012/08/identity-disturbance-markedly-or-persistently-unstable-self-image-BPD.html?m=1

www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2011/08/does-dbt-dialectical-behavior-therapy.html?m=1

[4Years5Months]

Those articles were rather enlightening.

Remember in high school, when you had a friend (or friends) who would act a certain way around you, but two classes later you saw them in the hall with a different group, acting considerably different?  Maybe trying too hard?  That is how I see my ex with this guy.  There are pieces of the girl I knew in their exchanges, but ultimately, she looks like someone trying very hard to match his juvenile comments, back and forth, back and forth.  They are immediate replies, like they feed on each other.  She has always been that sarcastic person, but it's very evident now.  No posts from her about her life or feelings, an album she listened to, etc.  All checkins at places with him, followed by silly comments.  Her whole life is experiences now, and he's included. 

It's like she is saying and doing these things in order to elicit a reaction from him.  There was a checkin at a bar, and she commented, "Just dropped my phone on the bar.  (Tagged his name) told me to do 50 Hail Marys!"  Minutes later, another comment, "I just thought an umbrella was a dog!"  What the hell?  Does she even have a serious conversation with this guy?  If I were to talk to her now (no, I'm not going to try) she would be offended and dismiss me.  "I'm not acting differently!  I talk that way all the time on Facebook!"

She never had to try with me.  I loved her for her, not for sex, or for experiences, or for what we could do together.  Why is this guy with her? 

She used to say a lot of what was in those articles about her own mother.  "My mom is in her bedroom talking to a guy on the phone, and it's so embarrassing (for her)!  She's talking in this little girl voice, "hehehe, you're funny!"  I had to go in my room and shut the door!"  Her mother is her behavior times about 50.  But my ex would always be quick to criticize and dismiss how her mom was acting - going out every night.  Now she is doing the same thing.

I can't help but think she is with this guy because they work together.  Well, she is the marketing coordinator now, and he's a security guard, but technically the same building.  All of her current circle of friends are co-workers, although she seems to be spending all of her time with him at the moment.  Her new identity is 100% from a job she has been at for less than a year. 

I think this current guy is placating her.  She's acting the way she does around him, but they are going out to places and shows she wants to go to.  That's the part of all of this that is still her.  Each thing, each restaurant that I hear about is her choice.  Now, all I can go by are Facebook posts, but that kind of mirroring - acting like him but doing the things she wants - is something I haven't seen on here before.

He is recently separated from his wife.  He was all over her Facebook like a rash shortly after (what I think) his breakup date was.  She had been her usual moping self on Facebook before then.  Now it's all checkins and photos and enjoying life, and each other.  I wonder if he is in it for the sex.  He probably is really enjoying the attention another girl is giving him.  She, of course, is loving having someone.  But I would guess that she wonders if he really likes her or not.  If either of them are "falling" for each other, then that's incredibly immature and unhealthy.  It's a double rebound relationship.  I need to learn to just let it run it's course, instead of getting upset when I hear she is doing something with him that we would have done together.

I think back on how she would want to be with me all the time and remember how I loved it, but would be exhausted by the end of it.  Wanting space.  "When can I see you again?"  Every time together was an event.  "I can't wait to see you tonight!"  I loved her and enjoyed our time together, but it was constant.  I'm certain she is spending the entire weekend with him, again.  Does he realize why she wants to spend time with him?  Is it for him?  Is it for the experiences she gets to have?  Is it to not be alone?

[Mike-X]

I have never thought about the experiences issue, but I now see that there might have been some of that in my ex. She shared a lot of negative feelings about her life, and she shared experiences. I guess I will have to think about how often she said 'I liked' or 'loved' experiencing this or that or even 'I enjoyed spending time' with this person or that person. I know that she said she loved her kids many times.