Do BPD girls/women come back less often? Purely observational.

[Reecer1588]

I've been doing a lot of reading about topics of "After they paint you black and swear they never want to talk to you again"

Seems like of all the boards of uBPD exes returning, it's nearly always the Women talking about uBPD/BPD exe's MEN trying to return.  

So question:

Do uBPD/BPD ex's that are WOMEN tend to keep permanent NC after their tossing you out of their life?

Or is my observation off?

Thanks all,


Reece

[JPH]

I wish that had been true in my case. My ex-BPD girlfriend cheated on me, knowing that the consequence would be the end of the relationship. Even though I'm the one who technically ended it, I put it on her because she chose to cheat. I begged and pleaded and lost all of my self-respect, and I got nothing but silence. When I learned about BPD however, I realized there was almost nothing I could've done to change the outcome of the relationship or her behavior. At that point I gave up and committed myself to moving on. That's when she came back. She called my parents, telling them I was calling her day and night. One morning my parents called early only to discover that I had a perfect alibi in the form of another woman who was sleeping next to me at that moment. Needless to say that went over like a lead balloon. What followed was two more false charges with the police, months of looking over my shoulder, hiring an attorney, and finally having a judge admonish her for filing false charges. You'd think that would've been it, but no such luck. For years - yes, years - she followed me as I moved three hours away for another job, amassing dozens of hang-up calls to my home and office numbers using those tools which all BPs seem to inherently know to get around caller ID, call blocks, etc. It took about three years of absolute silence on my part before she finally gave up. So while I would've given anything to see her or hear her voice immediately after our break-up, by the time all was said and done I just wanted her to go away.

Hate to tell you this but my story is not out of the ordinary with regard to BPD. Many NPDs can just walk away as if they'd know us for 5 minutes, but that's not the M.O. for BPDs.

[Reecer1588]

I am just one month of complete NC with my uBPDexgf. She is the one who initiated it.

She never blocked me on facebook, still doesn't have me blocked on facebook, even when that was suggested to her by her OWN campus detective.


This goes against her whole notion of wanting to be "left the hell alone" because frankly, how easy would it be just to press that little block button on me?



Now it's true, part of the time I have had HER blocked, so she couldn't search for me on there at that time... .

However, this whole not blocking me, This makes me think she is somehow some way keeping tabs on me. Am I wrong?

Would it be typical of a BPD ex, even if THEY tell you that they to want you to "leave them the hell alone" to still keep tabs on you?

[JPH]

However, this whole not blocking me, This makes me think she is somehow some way keeping tabs on me. Am I wrong?

Would it be typical of a BPD ex, even if THEY tell you that they to want you to "leave them the hell alone" to still keep tabs on you?

I have no way of knowing whether she's keeping tabs on you. My ex seemed to always know where I'd be, but that was years before Facebook. I have no idea how she knew, but she knew.

I'll put it like this: I don't think it would be unusual for a BPD ex, even if they told you to leave them alone, to continue keeping tabs on you.

With the personality disordered (as with anyone really), actions speak louder than words. If she's anything like my ex-BPD girlfriend, you may ultimately be willing to do nearly anything to get her to go away. So while I get that you may want her to be thinking about and keeping up with you, be careful what you ask for.

I've read a few of your previous posts. You're a young guy with so much life in front of you. If this woman has BPD, you should thank your lucky stars you've learned this crucial lesson so early in life. I was about 25 when I first learned about the existence of personality disorders. Unfortunately I then met a NPD woman who had me fooled up to three months before our wedding day. I certainly wish you the best.

[Reecer1588]

However, this whole not blocking me, This makes me think she is somehow some way keeping tabs on me. Am I wrong?

Would it be typical of a BPD ex, even if THEY tell you that they to want you to "leave them the hell alone" to still keep tabs on you?

I have no way of knowing whether she's keeping tabs on you. My ex seemed to always know where I'd be, but that was years before Facebook. I have no idea how she knew, but she knew.

I'll put it like this: I don't think it would be unusual for a BPD ex, even if they told you to leave them alone, to continue keeping tabs on you.

With the personality disordered (as with anyone really), actions speak louder than words. If she's anything like my ex-BPD girlfriend, you may ultimately be willing to do nearly anything to get her to go away. So while I get that you may want her to be thinking about and keeping up with you, be careful what you ask for.

I've read a few of your previous posts. You're a young guy with so much life in front of you. If this woman has BPD, you should thank your lucky stars you've learned this crucial lesson so early in life. I was about 25 when I first learned about the existence of personality disorders. Unfortunately I then met a NPD woman who had me fooled up to three months before our wedding day. I certainly wish you the best.

My point being was just that it's so freaking easy to just press that "block" button on me.


Cheers mate. Appreciate the support.

Sometimes I wish BPDf were a person. So I could show affection to her, without being denied the 'right to do so'.Of all the things my ex did, withholding affection from me/not allowing me to show her affection was probably one of the most emotionally damaging behaviors.

I might ask the experts in a thread about that exact behavior.

Looking forward to future responses on this thread's topic.

[JPH]

Sure, it would be quite easy for her to block you. When I signed up for Facebook, which came along a few years after my ex-BPD, the very first thing I did was to search for her and to block her. She's been blocked ever since day one.

[hurting300]

Ok here's the thing... .My ex disappeared too. But didn't block me on Facebook, rather she deactivated hers. And yes she drove by my house when I'm gone. But not one word for a year now. Does she keep tabs? I think so, because she seemed to know so much about her exes not to keep tabs. I can't say if she will come back but keeping tabs is what most of them do. And DO NOT listen to people when they tell you an N.P.D Will not return. They do return. Sometimes more so than a BPD female or male.

[Reecer1588]

Ok here's the thing... .My ex disappeared too. But didn't block me on Facebook, rather she deactivated hers. And yes she drove by my house when I'm gone. But not one word for a year now. Does she keep tabs? I think so, because she seemed to know so much about her exes not to keep tabs. I can't say if she will come back but keeping tabs is what most of them do. And DO NOT listen to people when they tell you an N.P.D Will not return. They do return. Sometimes more so than a BPD female or male.

Appreciate it. But mine is definitely NOT a NPD. Almost certainly a 'hermit BPD', maybe Anti-social.

The ex boyfriend told me that she never contacted him after he broke up with her. So that might be telling.

[hurting300]

Ok here's the thing... .My ex disappeared too. But didn't block me on Facebook, rather she deactivated hers. And yes she drove by my house when I'm gone. But not one word for a year now. Does she keep tabs? I think so, because she seemed to know so much about her exes not to keep tabs. I can't say if she will come back but keeping tabs is what most of them do. And DO NOT listen to people when they tell you an N.P.D Will not return. They do return. Sometimes more so than a BPD female or male.

Appreciate it. But mine is definitely NOT a NPD. Almost certainly a 'hermit BPD', maybe Anti-social.

The ex boyfriend told me that she never contacted him after he broke up with her. So that might be telling.

I know this hurts, and it's confusing to you. But if you truly want her back, you must let go. Trust me. There for a while whenever I'd go out and have fun she would drive by. Just live your life.

[Reecer1588]

Ok here's the thing... .My ex disappeared too. But didn't block me on Facebook, rather she deactivated hers. And yes she drove by my house when I'm gone. But not one word for a year now. Does she keep tabs? I think so, because she seemed to know so much about her exes not to keep tabs. I can't say if she will come back but keeping tabs is what most of them do. And DO NOT listen to people when they tell you an N.P.D Will not return. They do return. Sometimes more so than a BPD female or male.

Appreciate it. But mine is definitely NOT a NPD. Almost certainly a 'hermit BPD', maybe Anti-social.

The ex boyfriend told me that she never contacted him after he broke up with her. So that might be telling.

I know this hurts, and it's confusing to you. But if you truly want her back, you must let go. Trust me. There for a while whenever I'd go out and have fun she would drive by. Just live your life.

Do you mean that? If everything I wanted was to just have her back, would the answer still be strict NC? Do you mean that? Just be honest.

There wouldn't be A Single Thing. I could tell her/write to her that wouldn't make things worse?

I read on the forums that ":)istance doesn't make the heart grow fonder" with BPD people?

So why would strict NC be my best option for someday getting her back?

[JPH]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239421.msg12548028

[hurting300]

You will run her away dude if you run after her. I regret trying to contact mine.

[Reecer1588]

You will run her away dude if you run after her. I regret trying to contact mine.

After a year and a half of nearly daily texting, she dropped me like yesterday's garbage. ( it was a BAD breakup ) (Lots of sh** thrown on both sides)

Today I'm over 1 month of strict NC.

BTW literally just 5 minutes I said "screw it" and blocked her ass on facebook again.

This is so weird how she couldn't even go ONE DAY without texting me to... .what seems like permanent silence.

[Reecer1588]

sorry for the double post... .

So basically guys, let me get this straight... .After she got rid of me

The best way for me to move on= NC

Also the best way to ever get her back =NC

Do I have this straight?

[JPH]

There are no guarantees, but yes. Keep in mind that trying to find a logical reason for the behavior of a personality disordered individual is pointless. That's why they're disordered. Their behavior isn't supposed to make sense to you and me because they're not wired like us.

[hurting300]

We woke up together on April 2nd 2014. She had sex with me, talked to me while I was in the shower... she made my lunch for the day and off to work i went. We text all day. I talked to her at 10am and she was in a great mood... we said our I love yous... she text me at noon and said (we need to talk) she never responded again. I drove home as fast as I could that day and when I went into my house, my clothes were washed and folded. But she and my baby were gone. Tell me that's normal? No it's not.

[JRT]

sorry for the double post... .

So basically guys, let me get this straight... .After she got rid of me

The best way for me to move on= NC

Also the best way to ever get her back =NC

Do I have this straight?

Yes!

Remember the push/pull dynamic... .you are dammed if you do and dammed if you do. If there is any hope of speaking with her, only NC will do it. But if you do contact again, you will need to ask yourself some hard questions about why you WOULD take her back. Unless they have become self aware of have committed to a T, etc.

Likewise if you you decided to leave... .NC includes ALL communication because even glimpses of her FB can rip open the sutures of your wounds and trigger pain. We have all done that and the net/net is always bad.

[Reecer1588]

sorry for the double post... .

So basically guys, let me get this straight... .After she got rid of me

The best way for me to move on= NC

Also the best way to ever get her back =NC

Do I have this straight?

Yes!

Remember the push/pull dynamic... .you are dammed if you do and dammed if you do. If there is any hope of speaking with her, only NC will do it.

BTW when you mention "any hope of speaking with her"

I assume you mean her contacting me first, no?

[ShadowIntheNight]

JPH is correct in that regard. A normal breakup that happens has it's own set of whys and how's, but mix in a mental illness and you can up the how's and why's times 1000. I am a relatively intelligent person and nothing that led to my breakup makes one ounce of sense. Who says to their gf of 9.5 years, after getting a less than adequate win in a court case against their exH, "if I have to find some man to eff to be able to send my kids to private school then that's what I'm going to do!" Who says it? Indeed, someone who is crazy. Never mind that her kids have been in private school for 7 years and his money never affected their education in the first place. Or that I have the financial means to help out.

So I have been short wave silent (meaning every now and then a blip comes thru, like 2% of the time we've been apart). I told her 4 years ago after a similar push (but nothing like this) I wouldn't take her back if she did it again. It's killing me, really it is, but I haven't given in to contacting her. Monthly I get PRIVATE NUMBER hang ups. They started last September. Never had one in the 10 years we were together. After reading the above link, I believe the answer why she does it now is that she just wants to hear my voice. If I don't pick up then my voice mail does and she hears it that way. She'll either come back or she won't. But I am done with fixing things between us. She's  a grown woman, she can straighten her own messes out.

[JRT]

sorry for the double post... .

So basically guys, let me get this straight... .After she got rid of me

The best way for me to move on= NC

Also the best way to ever get her back =NC

Do I have this straight?

Yes!

Remember the push/pull dynamic... .you are dammed if you do and dammed if you do. If there is any hope of speaking with her, only NC will do it.

BTW when you mention "any hope of speaking with her"

I assume you mean her contacting me first, no?

Of course... .you contacting her will serve to push her further away

[Reecer1588]

sorry for the double post... .

So basically guys, let me get this straight... .After she got rid of me

The best way for me to move on= NC

Also the best way to ever get her back =NC

Do I have this straight?

Yes!

Remember the push/pull dynamic... .you are dammed if you do and dammed if you do. If there is any hope of speaking with her, only NC will do it.

BTW when you mention "any hope of speaking with her"

I assume you mean her contacting me first, no?

Of course... .you contacting her will serve to push her further away

And what if you sincerely believe she will never contact you first?

[JPH]

For what it's worth I believed my ex would never contact me again after we broke up.

[Reecer1588]

For what it's worth I believed my ex would never contact me again after we broke up.

How bad was the breakup? (I know your answer is subjective) And how long was the NC?

I'm not trying to entrap anyone.

I have not made my own mind whether if she contacted me again if I would want to have a go at it again,

I'm preparing for either eventuality.

[Reecer1588]

I wanted to just quickly add that my question about the difference between re-engagement attempts by BPD women/men  is still out there, it's something I've noticed, and I've read in the forums that others have noticed.

BPD women who leave "non" men seem to be more permanent.

If anyone has any thoughts on that, I'm dying to know!

Thanks


Reece

[JPH]

How bad was the breakup? (I know your answer is subjective) And how long was the NC?

Nuclear. While on a business trip she called me from an ex-boyfriend's house, knowing that his number would appear on my caller ID and that I knew who he was. When she got home we met and fought. I told her we were done, and she screamed "I wanted you to fight for me!" and "I don't want to lose you.!" I reminded her that she should've thought about that before she cheated. I told her "goodbye" and slammed the door on her face. A week later she showed up at my doorstep like nothing had happened. I was beyond confused. She acted like we were back together. When I tried to contact her again, she advised that she had "moved on" and that she didn't want to talk with or see me again. I asked her why she showed up as if nothing had ever happened, to which she responded that she was "just being nice" to me. Shortly thereafter I lost my job and was very down. I tried to renew our relationship and found myself pleading with her to talk with me. She got more and more angry, and finally I learned about BPD. A lightbulb went off, as the stories I read were so familiar. A couple of months went by, during which time I educated myself about BPD and "gave up." When I let go she freaked out. It got to the point where bad attention attained after filing false charges against me was better than no attention. She played that game for about four or five months before it played itself out.