Feel like I'm drowning

[marla]

Hi, it's been awhile since i've visited but just read your posts and it hits home.  I feel like I'm drowning... .my 15 dd is back at school full time this week.

On the surface everything seems good, but I'm her go to for ALL her emotional needs.  Her stepdad is the one who gets split constantly and i know that's hard for him also.  I feel so guilty about my feelings of irritation with her, but I'm so drained. We have 3 other kids that need our attention too.  I just dont know how long i can keep this up and it's only just begun.  

No rages in about 3 weeks now, and i can see her really trying to be mindful and let her angry moments float away as to not get to a 8-10.  But her looking to me for all validation/cuddles is so exhausting.  I also think i'm in a state mourning ... .

I feel like such a jerk and whiner putting all this out there. But I feel too ashamed to share these feelings with anyone In person.

Thanks for listening  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Sorry to hear that you are stretched so thin and being overwhelmed with your d's constant needs for validation and attention.

It seems her program has helped her learn some skills to cope with her anger... .that is super good news!

Are there others (friends, extended family) or hobbies that you might encourage her to spend her time in?  Can you ask her if she would like to help you with your chores (good on lots of levels! )

I  couldn't get my d to spend more than an hour with me when she was 15... .she was off with friends, had friends over, up in her room online or drawing.  So just the opposite problem of yours.

It might be time for some gentle limits... ."I understand that you are bored/lonely, scared and that must be difficult for  you to deal with.  What do you think you could do to fill some time while I go take care of _______?"

[qcarolr]

But her looking to me for all validation/cuddles is so exhausting.  I also think i'm in a state mourning ... .

I feel like such a jerk and whiner putting all this out there. But I feel too ashamed to share these feelings with anyone In person.

Mourning the loss of the daughter you thought DD15 would be is real. It is OK to share this with trusted family or friends. Figuring out the trusted part can be a challenge. It is good your Dh is there for you. I have found that sharing this painful story, especially with a counselor or friend in my bible study women's group gives me a better perspective. I am amazed at how many others have similar struggles in their families.

Sometimes we just have to find ways to take care of our own needs to stay strong for our kids. They are all in some way distressed. DD15 with serious mental health issues. Your other kids, Ds17, Dd13 and little Dd1 are all impacted by their siste'rs actions and higher needs.

What are some ways others in your life can help shoulder part of this for you right now? Maybe with the other kids? Then you may have more time for your Dd15's needs. She does seem to be participating in her therapy - using her new skills. Are you and Dh learning these skills as well so you can support her with them at home? Are there other family or friends that can take on practical matters with the other teens?

Who is there for you other than Dh? Family, friends, faith community... .? What day to day things can give you a moments pleasure - what has brought you joy in the past before BPD took hold of you family?

Here the link to a thread "Perspectives: What does it mean to take care of yourself?"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0

It has always been hard for me to accept that self-care is unselfish and necessary before I can be in a healthier relationship with my BPDDD who is 28. She has struggled greatly her whole life. I wonder how things would be now with the skills from this website had been here for me when she was 15.

Enough for now. Please keep coming back with how things are going. We care. We understand.

qcr