Once only unfriended, now blocked by her friends on FB

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am 6 months NC with my ex... .she disappeared after moving in while I was out of town on business and I never heard from her again (she blocked me from contact and called the cops when I tried to circumvent the block, so never tried again)

I would have thought that by now, as with many BPD ex's that she would have painted me white and attempted contact but that has not happened. Every now and again, I go to FB to see if I am unblocked there. While she has still has me blocked, I see that several of her friends and family, who unfriended me immediately, have recently blocked me so now I am unable to even see them (a redundant step for those that know FB).

This tells me that not only am I still painted black, but that her anger and rage seems to be current and intensified. What the hell, after 6 months she is MORE pissed off? This leaves me to wonder what is prompting her rage.

-my lack of chasing her despite threats for legal action including calls from the police and PPO's?

-as I have confirmed that she stalks me on FB, is she enraged that I appear to be living a normal, happy life even dating (though not parading it) while here is contorted and difficult (I know that she is going through some rough times with her son and perhaps her sisters divorce)? With no reference to her or any apparent sadness?

She also continues to ignore my efforts to return some pretty important belongs to her which I put in a neutral storage so she can retrieve them without interacting with me. I sent an email, snail mail and now one to her sister without acknowledgement of receipt (otherwise I would let it go).

I am very perplexed by this even within the context of a BPD mind. Is it me or does anyone else recognize these actions as INCREASED rage? Do you suspect that I do that they are motivated by my happiness/unwillingness to reach out to her and defy the huge roadblocks that she has put in place? 

It almost seems like she is playing her last (and very weak) hands in a game of some kind that she is losing and she knows it. These seem to be 2 very small pieces of power that she is exercising almost just for the sake of exercising them... .to her OWN detriment.

[JRT]

I am 6 months NC with my ex... .she disappeared after moving in while I was out of town on business and I never heard from her again (she blocked me from contact and called the cops when I tried to circumvent the block, so never tried again)

I would have thought that by now, as with many BPD ex's that she would have painted me white and attempted contact but that has not happened. Every now and again, I go to FB to see if I am unblocked there. While she has still has me blocked, I see that several of her friends and family, who unfriended me immediately, have recently blocked me so now I am unable to even see them (a redundant step for those that know FB).

This tells me that not only am I still painted black, but that her anger and rage seems to be current and intensified. What the hell, after 6 months she is MORE pissed off? This leaves me to wonder what is prompting her rage.

-my lack of chasing her despite threats for legal action including calls from the police and PPO's?

-as I have confirmed that she stalks me on FB, is she enraged that I appear to be living a normal, happy life even dating (though not parading it) while here is contorted and difficult (I know that she is going through some rough times with her son and perhaps her sisters divorce)? With no reference to her or any apparent sadness?

She also continues to ignore my efforts to return some pretty important belongs to her which I put in a neutral storage so she can retrieve them without interacting with me. I sent an email, snail mail and now one to her sister without acknowledgement of receipt (otherwise I would let it go).

I am very perplexed by this even within the context of a BPD mind. Is it me or does anyone else recognize these actions as INCREASED rage? Do you suspect that I do that they are motivated by my happiness/unwillingness to reach out to her and defy the huge roadblocks that she has put in place? 

It almost seems like she is playing her last (and very weak) hands in a game of some kind that she is losing and she knows it. These seem to be 2 very small pieces of power that she is exercising almost just for the sake of exercising them... .to her OWN detriment.

[ShadowIntheNight]

JRT myuBPDexgf actually did get angrier and angrier at her exH as the years passed. As you know we were together 9.5 years. She had been married previously to him for 10 yrs. Early in our relationship I would call on a Sunday afternoon and she would tell me she was journaling and working on forgiving him for the things that happened while they were married. Granted I wasn't there, but their marriage didn't seem that terrible. But she was a closeted lesbian and living in denial about that, so I'm sure that had some bearing on it. That and her BPD rages it would seem.

As the years passed, he married a woman who he had dated before he and my ex were married. As a matter of fact, he was having an affair with that exgf and probably had been while he was married to my ex. 5 years ago when they married and bought a new 250k house together (that his Father bought, he's a teacher and couldn't afford) my exgf went 180 on her feelings toward him and was more vitriolic than I had ever seen or heard in my life toward him. Sailors used kinder words than she did about him.

So yes, I would say that some can paint someone even blacker over time. In her case petty jealousy, her being replaced even though She was with me and I was kinder and more loving than he ever was and certainly more attuned to her and her kids needs, and just plain out wanting to show him up were "qualities" I had never witnessed in her before. After 10 years you'd think she wouldn't have cared, but in her case I guess it made her think she was somehow less than. Or whatever other crazy you want to put in there. Because crazy and illogical is what it is. I am sure she still has that hatred for him and how she conceals it from her new bf is beyond me.

[Suzn]

Every now and again, I go to FB to see if I am unblocked there.

Why?

[JRT]

Shadow

I don't understand what her motivation was. Although you mention jealousy, why would she become jealous if she didn't want to be with him? Do you suspect that deep in side that she did? Did she want him to came and chase after her?

Just a few minutes ago, I received an email from my ex's sister (who I had to notify that I had some of the ex's belongings in a storage locker since the ex refused to respond). My ex instructed her to tell me to throw them away even though a large portion of it is highly sentimental and priceless family heirlooms! What the heck? I sense that returning her stuff ended up being a power struggle where regardless of the value, that she was willing to forgo her possessions so that she would not have to 'acquiesce' by picking them up.

This and the other sure signs that I am blacker than I was 6 months ago... .I wonder why... .

[JRT]

Every now and again, I go to FB to see if I am unblocked there.

Why?

Because

[rlhmm]

Every now and again, I go to FB to see if I am unblocked there.

Why?

Because

JRT... .i dunno why you're doing this to yourself, but WHO GIVES A $H!T what she thinks about you? you're only hurting yourself bud!  there's some tough love for ya man! she doesnt matter anymore... period. dont contact her sister or any family member of hers... .they dont care... .they enable her behavior. block them! maintain NC! let her cr@p go to the storage company... .they'll sell it. you might see it on storage wars or something! stop hurting yourself!

[Invictus01]

Dude,

If you are leaving... .all this shouldn't matter. After 6 months you really should have enough footing to see that anybody who just picks up and leaves like that isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I am about 4 months out myself and it still hurts to think about her and places we went to and all that stuff. But knowing who she is, what she does and what she will keep on doing unless she gets help (which I doubt she will)... .there is really no good play for me but to walk away, get over and forget.

[JRT]

Every now and again, I go to FB to see if I am unblocked there.

Why?

Because

JRT... .i dunno why you're doing this to yourself, but WHO GIVES A $H!T what she thinks about you? you're only hurting yourself bud!  there's some tough love for ya man! she doesnt matter anymore... period. dont contact her sister or any family member of hers... .they dont care... .they enable her behavior. block them! maintain NC! let her cr@p go to the storage company... .they'll sell it. you might see it on storage wars or something! stop hurting yourself!

But its NOT hurting me... .its confusing me.

The hurt was over a long time ago... .now its time for understanding. Its the way that I am wired... .the way that I have been healing is through understanding. While I know that you mean well to me, I see the boilerplate here too often: 'just move on... .just forget about them... .etc.'... .well: healing just doesn't work like that for everyone and if it did, none of us would be on this forum. Its not a very healthy mantra and it discourages others from asking questions and seeking truth that will help them similarly. You might, for example, be ok with tossing her belongings into a dumpster, but given the contents, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night - its just my set of standards. Please don't admonish me for them or anyone else. 

[JRT]

Dude,

After 6 months you really should have enough footing to see that anybody who just picks up and leaves like that isn't worth it.

I do!

[Suzn]

While I know that you mean well to me, I see the boilerplate here too often: 'just move on... .just forget about them... .etc.'... .well: healing just doesn't work like that for everyone and if it did, none of us would be on this forum.  

You're absolutely right JRT. I thought my question was fair, I meant no offense by it.

How is checking to see of you are unblocked helping you understand? It may be that you sending letters to her family is what set her off. I mean, if she told people you were keeping her stuff from her and you proved her wrong by offering it freely with no strings... .kinda kills her story doesn't it?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Shadow

I don't understand what her motivation was. Although you mention jealousy, why would she become jealous if she didn't want to be with him? Do you suspect that deep in side that she did? Did she want him to came and chase after her?

Just a few minutes ago, I received an email from my ex's sister (who I had to notify that I had some of the ex's belongings in a storage locker since the ex refused to respond). My ex instructed her to tell me to throw them away even though a large portion of it is highly sentimental and priceless family heirlooms! What the heck? I sense that returning her stuff ended up being a power struggle where regardless of the value, that she was willing to forgo her possessions so that she would not have to 'acquiesce' by picking them up.

This and the other sure signs that I am blacker than I was 6 months ago... .I wonder why... .

no, I don't think it had anything to do with her wanting him back or him to chase after her. It doesn't even have to do with a deep love!

She told me on many occassions that if she hadn't had kids with him she would be happy to never speak to him again. She also told me if she were still married to him he would be dead and she would be in jail. She did say however that they had always been competitive with one another so my guess is it was a competition thing. And since she's Hispanic and Texan she can't compete by having a gf! Hence going back into the closet so she can taunt him with a "better" man than he. The thing that is irrational is that her exH is married to who he wants to be with so he isn't going to get jealous of some man she's with. He didn't divorce her, she divorced him! None of this has to do with love. Jealosy is the driving force. When she didn't do as well as she hoped in the custody case with the exH, I think it set off punitive feelings of rejection and not by him, but more by the judge.

See why my head hurts? The whole thing is completely irrational. 10 years. Not 1, not even 5. But 10 years and she is wanting to get even with her exH. Ridiculous.

[JRT]

While I know that you mean well to me, I see the boilerplate here too often: 'just move on... .just forget about them... .etc.'... .well: healing just doesn't work like that for everyone and if it did, none of us would be on this forum.  

You're absolutely right JRT. I thought my question was fair, I meant no offense by it.

How is checking to see of you are unblocked helping you understand? It may be that you sending letters to her family is what set her off. I mean, if she told people you were keeping her stuff from her and you proved her wrong by offering it freely with no strings... .kinda kills her story doesn't it?

No offense taken.

I sent notification to her asking her to indicate if she would like to pick it up or not without condition. I rented a storage facility so that she could collect the stuff without me being involved and provided instructions on how to do so. She had blocked me and I was not sure if she had received any of the messages so I sent a snail mail on top of it. She did not respond and, well, that is a problem with me. Yes, I did mention that I would go down the line until SOMEONE at least acknowledged that she KNEW that the option was available to her. I WANT her to have her stuff! I don't care about BPD... .given the contents, THIS was taking the high road. THIS was for ME.

[JRT]

[/quote]
no, I don't think it had anything to do with her wanting him back or him to chase after her. It doesn't even have to do with a deep love!

She told me on many occassions that if she hadn't had kids with him she would be happy to never speak to him again. She also told me if she were still married to him he would be dead and she would be in jail. [/quote]
Any chance that she was saying these things for you and to make you feel better about the former r/s? Her sexuality?

[ShadowIntheNight]

no, I don't think it had anything to do with her wanting him back or him to chase after her. It doesn't even have to do with a deep love!

She told me on many occassions that if she hadn't had kids with him she would be happy to never speak to him again. She also told me if she were still married to him he would be dead and she would be in jail. [/quote]
Any chance that she was saying these things for you and to make you feel better about the former r/s? Her sexuality? [/quote]


Nope. Not in a million years. She hated his guts... .we were together 9.5 yrs, knew one another for 10 yrs. No way she would say the same thing time after time after time over that many years. At a certain point she would have slipped up. Human nature is human nature, and unless she is a psycho/sociopath, which I am at least certain she isn't that, she couldn't say the same thing over and over without slipping even once. She hates him. Period.

And I never ever even considered the possibility she might want to be back with him. She didn't. She was very happy to be divorced from him.

[Ripped Heart]

But its NOT hurting me... .its confusing me.

The hurt was over a long time ago... .now its time for understanding. Its the way that I am wired... .the way that I have been healing is through understanding. While I know that you mean well to me, I see the boilerplate here too often: 'just move on... .just forget about them... .etc.'... .well: healing just doesn't work like that for everyone and if it did, none of us would be on this forum. Its not a very healthy mantra and it discourages others from asking questions and seeking truth that will help them similarly. You might, for example, be ok with tossing her belongings into a dumpster, but given the contents, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night - its just my set of standards. Please don't admonish me for them or anyone else. 

JRT, I understand completely where you are coming from on this. It does seem easy for people who have moved past all of this to advise to just move on. However, when there are so many unanswered questions, you want to make logical sense of illogical actions. Having spent 2 years going around in that loop with exN/BPDw, it can be extremely exhausting to us and quite often open up more questions than answers. The truth of the matter is the only logical answer is in your ex's head and no amount of processing we do is able to give us the answers to the questions. How can I be certain of that? Because of your comment about healing through understanding. Where you need to be careful on this for you, is knowing where your cut off point is otherwise, it becomes an endless loop that you don't break the cycle from and never truly move on from that.

I still believe that part of why I ended up in another BPD r/s 2 years after my divorce was down to my own inability to break from having to know the answers. Granted, my own FOO and how I'm wired is what drew my exBPDgf to me but after she opened up about her diagnosis, I should have known better in terms of how it was going to end and the pain it would cause but I stayed because of unanswered questions.

The one that had me trapped in a loop was that someone despised me enough to want me out of their life completely, blindsided me with a divorce but at the very same time loved me enough to say we will get remarried one day and live happily ever after. That when I went, filed false allegation charges to try and keep me from ever contacting her again but has continued to try and get in contact every month for the past 3 years. The reason we won't ever be able to understand is because the logic behind this is highly illogical and the reason for that is because with this disorder, feelings can change in literally minutes where we cannot process like that.

For example, you mention about being painted black for 6 months. You mention about your ex's response to her things and are looking at it from a wider time frame. You could ask the very same question 5 minutes later and the response could be completely different. Does that mean you are painted white again or that you have an opportunity to find the answers to your questions? Not at all, because a few minutes after that, the response could be the exact opposite again. We don't get the answers because we don't process in the same way and as such it's like chasing the impossible.

The main answer to your question is that in the mind of a pwBPD feelings = facts. Which means facts can often be manipulated to fit those feelings regardless of the actual facts behind the facts. The only place we can get true closure from all of that is finding forgiveness and acceptance within ourselves. Accepting that we may never know the answers to the questions is still acceptance. I think when people say to forget and move on, this is more around what they refer to. It's finding that closure in ourselves. However, you may not be ready for that just yet and that's ok. As I say, I chased answers for 2 years and if I'm honest, although I have more understanding about the disorder and able to speculate on possibilities the truth is, all those questions I sought answers to I don't have the definitive answers to and I'm no further forward than I was when I started out. Except 3 years on, there are more questions now as to why exN/BPDw is still trying to reach out.

As for the things, given you are paying storage on all of that. Would it not be cheaper to pay one time and have them all delivered to her sister or parents house. That way you are free of that financial responsibility, she has no hold over you and the responsibility of whether they are thrown away or kept is with her family and no longer with you. If you read many of the stories on here, keeping items is a hook and our ex's still maintain that control over us. My exBPDgf was the same over the car I bought her, her way in as and when she felt like it was to tell me she was going to pay me back for the car. The moment I told her it was a gift and she didn't need to pay anything is when I broke that hold and she reached out for another hook. You keeping her things and paying for them, she knows she has that hook so can paint you black for as long as she feels like it because whether it's a month, 6 months, a year, 5 years whilst that hook is in place she can come back as and when she likes. The fact you have reached out in letters to her and her family, she knows that hook is still in place. If you hand back that responsibility you remove the hook and it's quite possible the dynamic can change, though at least you would be free of that responsibility.

The question I have around the items is what are you expecting from that? The reason for the question is that you have stored her things, let her know they are there and given her the opportunity to get them. Her response back is for you to throw them but you aren't happy to do that despite your statement about her picking them up without condition. Surely if you are not prepared to follow through on her wishes to throw the items but still keep hold of them, you are therefore adding a condition. To me, that's basically saying you can pick your things up but if you don't, I will continue to be responsible for them until you do. That can be a very confusing message when you apply without condition. As I say, my suggestion would be to have them shipped to her family's house, remove the responsibility from yourself and let her take responsibility for her things from there, far less damaging to your own morals.

[JRT]

RH

Thank you so much for your thorough post. I think that I have a different process in overcoming this r/s than most; its just the way that I am wired.

I have come a LONG way from that day back in September where she had inexplicably just took off while I was out of town only three weeks after moving in. We never argued and I was entirely happy (she said she was as well). I googled 'sudden breakup' and other generalities until months later, and hundreds of google search later I found myself here. Even after recognizing my ex via this forum, there were many unanswered questions that I was able to eventually make sens of within the BPD framework.

Maybe it isn't good for me to see her on FB or her friends, but I think that we are all guilty of this kind of stalking. But every few weeks, I look her up and her friends this time only to find that I was blocked where I was already unfriended. It didn't make sense even within the BPD framework and I doubt that it had anything to do with attempting to return her things... .maybe, but who knows. My own suspicion is that she expected me to chase her and 'save' her but its nothing more than conjecture on my part. I think that for me, understanding what is happening on her end helps me heal; she is in trouble and is not handling things very well, that I know for sure. I know that its probably bad of me, but to know this is good for me.

Her stuff REALLY bothers me. I KNOW its a hook. I KNOW that she knows that I am the type of person that could never toss the stuff and be able to live with myself. She never responded to my email or snail mail with a simple I'll get it'  or 'toss it' and, to your point, YES - it DOES control me. Thats why I am desperate to get rid of it. I was of the assumption that putting it in that storage locker was the end of it. I felt like I buried a body. She KNOWS that despite what her sister said, that I will not bring myself to doing so.  Going there today and seeing it still there was frustrating. In the past, she used other hooks to contact me. This is the last tie and I need to make it gone.

While I have zero ideas as to where she lives, I do know where she works and I suppose that I can have it delivered there, it didn't occur to me since I figured it may constitute stalking in some way.

Thanks for listening and providing your input... .thats all that I ask.

[Ripped Heart]

JRT, in terms of wiring I get it completely  I'm high functioning aspergers so my brain is wired to the opposite end of the scale in terms of highly logical rather than emotional. It's frustrating in the fact that I have to have an understanding of how things work and in the world of understanding the mindset of pwBPD, it can be extremely frustrating and keeps you going around in a loop trying to determine the logic behind what may appear illogical to me and you.

Reading your posts on these boards, you have come a very long way from where you first started and that's a credit to you and your healing process. It's also very different when it's a rocky relationship, full of rages and arguments and it ends suddenly to one that seems perfect and still in an idealisation phase to suddenly end with no warning, no explanation, lots of questions and no answers. From what I gather from your most recent posts, you have done a lot of work on your own healing and what appears to be left are the questions that haven't gone away. It's kind of like reaching a gateway in your healing process where you need those answers to move on to the next phase.

I can't speak for anyone else but I also get your FB stalking, and yes, I do believe we are all/ of have been guilty of this too. When my exN/BPDw starts resurfacing, although I've had her blocked on FB for the past 3 years, I do a search for her in all the likely places. For me, it's to see if she has found another way in and if I find another profile, I do have a look through, mainly to determine why it would be that she is resurfacing. Likewise, when she emails, I have kept them all as evidence, in case she tries to file charges again but I will be honest, I do read them too, partly to determine her mindset but also from a more personal perspective, after the abuse it is sometimes comforting to see her put nice or kind words down on an email even if I know there is a motive behind it. As part of our healing, we try and hold on to the good memories and these kinds of thing re-enforce that. However, they can also be triggering but only you know what stage you are at as to whether it works for you or not. If it creates negative feelings, causes pain or upset then it's generally not a good thing at that point in time because ultimately, it isn't about them any more, it's about you.

What you do with her things is always going to be a tough one. You can do what she asks but that will affect you. You know you can't reach a compromise so all you have open to you is to move that responsibility back on her. That suits you because you aren't throwing anything away and it's not like she can report you for returning her things. It's finding the best way to approach that.

I have the opposite situation with an exgf (my children's mother) where she has some of my things and after she has been in a mood, her way in is to ask me what I want doing with things, because she's just found them (keeps finding them 10-15 times already) every time, I would ask her to hand them to my mother (because they worked together until last year) and I would get them the next time I was over there. One time I told her to throw them, because after 5 years there can't have been anything too important in there and she said she didn't want to because she felt there was important things in there. I've since been round only to be told they are packed away but she will get them out again. It's like a game now where she used that for a response or for control.

That's why it's important for you to find a way of getting those things back because even though it's you holding on to those things right now, it could very well turn into a similar kind of game. The only way for you not to lose is not to play. The other thing about throwing your ex's things is that in 6 months time, she could very well change her mind and want them back to the point of reporting you for "stealing" her things. I would advise you keep everything you have as evidence but the sooner you offload that responsibility back to her, the less chance you have of being caught up in any trouble that might come.

[JRT]

RH... .those are all great points as well as pointing out that she might have a legal motivation later down the line that may make me wish that I delivered ALL of it.

You seem to understand and I think that thats all of us want here. I loved this woman without condition and gave her all that my heart could part with like I never did in the past. Her response to this was nothing but destructive, mean, hateful and immature. Even in returning a gesture like this, it was protracted and painful where even in the most disordered relationships that I have read about, something such as this was a transaction that went without saying. Getting this stuff back to her IS a gateway to the next phase and here it is back in my lap like a boomerrang!

Add to this the 'double secret probation' style unfriending and then blocking me by her gf's. They at once saw nothing but redeeming qualities in me and the way that I treated her but now nothing but contempt enough to erase me per her wishes. Not one of her family members or friends reached out to say, 'Hey, sorry about all this. I liked you. Its too bad that it didn't work out. Have a nice life'. Not one. I am floored that a family and set of friends that adulated me and greeted me as a welcome MEMBER of their family were able to cast me out without any moral pause to what was happening. These are people that I was just weeks away from calling brothers ans sisters in law!

I suppose that all this would have been easier to take if there was some of the raging that happens with most BPD r/s, but there was none of that in mine - I was happy. It makes me think of a thread that come up a couple of times that seemed to indicate that the blacker that they paint you and demonstrate hostility and anger, the more that they loved you and you meant everything to them. She must have REALLY loved me in that case! I had wished that by now, almost a half a year later, that I would have at least heard something that would have validated the crazy, or SOMETHING (we DID recycle several times before) - the abuse of silence is brutal (the worst punishment I have ever had to endure). I will heal fully by myself without it I am sure, but that WOULD help.

[Ripped Heart]

What a world we live in where our thoughts are governed by actions of others on Facebook 

I'm going to try and add a different perspective on this. It's safe to assume, as you have had no contact with your ex that you don't necessarily know what is being fed to her friends at this point, am I right?

There are a number of situations that could very well have occurred and this goes back to my original point of the only true answer is in the heads of others. It puts you in a very difficult position because you can ask the questions but by doing so, only exposes you as monitoring what is happening on Facebook, so all you are left with are assumptions of your own based on the actions you have seen. Given this is in relation to your ex and there is a possibility they have all appeared to block you at the same time, your assumptions are going to be based on the negative. But that isn't always the case.

At the end of Jan, my exBPDgf's son appeared to block me on Facebook which I did take to heart because we got on really well. Again, I could only assume it may be down to whatever he was being fed but he's an intelligent 22 year old who knows about his mother issues, is closer to his father, seen it all and heard it all before. I also know he is protective of his mother and it was kind of sad that he would do that without us having closure.

I then find out from a mutual friend that it wasn't me he blocked. He actually deactivated his FB profile because he was sick, tired and embarrassed with his mothers actions. Given what she did to me and the manner in which she did it, he decided he'd had enough and removed himself. He doesn't want her knowing what he's doing and equally he doesn't want to know what she is up to. In his eyes, she finally had something good in her life and she destroyed it through her own actions and it reminded him of what she did to his father. Why he didn't contact me is because he felt embarrassed for her and knowing what his dad went through, didn't know what to say.

That's just an example of how sometimes we can make the wrong assumption based on how we perceive a situation. Given your situation, there are several things that could very well have happened.

The fact that you contacted your ex's sister, she could have asked her friends to block you so you didn't reach out to them. If she put a stalking spin on it and you were the villain, as well as they have been listening to whatever she has had to tell them for the past 6 months. It could be they have done that to "protect" her rather than out of contempt for you.

Another option is that she could have told them you are spying on her and if they are tied into her profile and her life, they could be causing damage limitation for her by removing the option for you to "spy" through their pages. You have to remember, not everyone knows how FB works and sometimes people do go to an extreme where a nicely placed security setting works just as well.

It could be that they are protecting you. If something is on their wall about your ex in crisis or if she has moved on and that's appearing on their wall. They might wonder if that will have an affect on you so better to remove that to protect your feelings.

It could be that because it's been 6 months, you are someone from their past and someone they were fond of but as you are no longer around or part of their lives, they no longer feel inclined to share what is happening in their lives. Again, not really to do with contempt and more to do with closing chapters.

There are lots of other possibilities but it's something you cannot know the truth to unless someone tells you, you can only speculate and in doing that, you can go around in circles. The hardest part is accepting that all of the above are true. That without knowing, you find closure by accepting that it could be any one of those and finding peace within yourself.

If you trace it logically and all these blockings came around the same time following an event such as contacting her sister. There is a good chance she could have told them you were stalking her, reaching out to "friends and family" and leaving out the details of why. Given these are close friends of hers, they may very well be inclined to protect her if she has been convincing with her story. Remember, feelings = facts to pwBPD so if she is telling them she is afraid because you are staling her, their reaction is to be protective of her, regardless of their feelings towards you.

For many pwBPD, relationships tend to be based on need and that extends to friendships as well as romantic relationships. My exBPDgf would cut "friends" out of her life the moment she had what she needed from them. In turn, several of these "friends" have reached out to me after what she did to me because they know what she is like. These are people I don't even know because my exBPDgf, kept everybody separate so nobody could catch her out. If these are friends she keeps close, there may be a chance that you and them aren't too dissimilar in looking out for her and protecting her in a crisis and if you are the crisis in her mind right now (by contacting her family members) what they have done is out of protection for her rather than their feelings towards you.

What makes it especially difficult with pwBPD is that what they tend to say isn't an outright lie, it's their distorted version of the truth because it has to match their feelings so to them it's entirely true. That's why what they say can often be very convincing to others because in their mind it is has to be true because their feelings are telling them it is.

However, you cannot say any of that is true just as much as you can't say it isn't true because you don't know the reasons, what has been said or why her friends have reacted in the way they have. So to that degree, the way past is to accept that every possibility must be the truth and find closure in yourself from that.

As for validating the crazy, you have a lot of validation from how events played out. People don't just disappear, leave all of their things and block others out of their lives if they are happy and content. It is the not knowing that can create an issue for us but at some point there has to be acceptance that sometimes you may never know and look in to yourself about how you would plan to move on from that. The problem that we face by holding on is that if we move on to another relationship, we take that baggage with us and in doing so, we are being unfair to the next person.

The proof of that can often be seen with our expwBPD. They move on so quickly that they don't have closure and when things start going badly for them, they resurface because that baggage is still there. Where we can make a difference is finding that ability to have closure even when we don't have the answers and know in some respects it's entirely possible we never will 

[JRT]

Sure... .those theories work in some settings but it was different here. After the the b/u, they all unfriended me. Shortly afterwards, their settings changed so that all that I can see were their profile pictures as well as their background picture in addition to any posts that they elected to remain 'public'. I could see absolutely nothing other than those things at this point nor was it possible in any way for me to connect with them in any way shape or form other than to message them or to tray to add them again as a friend. So, none of these scenarios were possible.

The blocks did not all come at one time, they came separately. One of her friends IM'd me about her belongings where she admitted that she had wanted her stuff returned (but didn't want to have to speak with me directly or have to come an get them herself, frigging' mature huh?). She had blocked me right after that exchange (interestingly, she accused me during that conversation of 'not caring'... .I think that this might be part of the distortion campaign). The one block came within the past week or so and the one relative that remained a FB friend, has simply stopped replying to my posts though they are as plain as day.

I REALLY think that there is something else going on here as it is my contention that her anger is escalating and I don't think anger escalates just on its own. Mind you, I am not sitting in wait with the expectation that she and I will get back together (that will NEVER happen), but trying to understand, again, is my perspective. I really think that what is has escalated her ire is:

-even though she has built significant barriers to contact, I have NOT made contact and HAVE in the attempt to return her things. To her, it is not the contact she wanted where I am pushing her away in demanding she take back her things. Its that hook that we discussed yesterday. My theory is that she will not allow me to cut that cord as it allows her power, and the option to exercise that card if and when she wants to. Control. In the end, this stuff will be returned to her and it defies her control though illogical to ownership of her stuff. 

-I caught her stalking me on FB already even though she blocked me when I created a ruse (remember the stuff)? I put a picture of it on FB asking anyone if they wanted it less I take it to the trash. Her GF IM'd me the next day!). I think that, just like in any other failed r/s, the one hopes to see the other as being entirely miserable and failing at life without them, especially if they are having strife or pain in their life. Amplify this a zillion times for a BPD and it is certain to have the angry effect that she is demonstrating. My friends that are close to the situation comment on my FB comings and goings as it appearing that I had never missed a beat and that I look happier and in great health.

I have reason to believe that she continues to stalk me even though I have my setting now on 'friends' and not 'public' (I think that this is just natural for anyone BPD or not) and I suspect that she might have even commandeered someones account so that she can see everything freely (I also suspect that she has a spy or two that she checks in with). The more that she sees, the more frustrated that she becomes. I'm a BIG social media user so I post a lot of my comings and goings including night spots where the inference is a date.   

-During one of our longer recycles (1 month), I figured that it was over and I went back to the online dating site where she and I met and became active. Of course she was checking on me (see a pattern here?) Upon her return, she was absolutely LIVID about me going back to online dating. I explained to her, 'Hey, you BROKE UP with me. What did you expect?'. I got this funny look from her that reminded me of another incident: I took her to my Church. She stood up to take communion to where I told her that she was not allowed since she had joined another church and no longer part of this one. The looks on their faces were the same: the child didn't consider the impact of their actions and only now were realizing the impact to them that they never considered. 'So, what will happen if I break up with him? What will he do next?' Was something that was never taken into consideration. But as you note: to them, feelings are facts.

I waited a couple of months this go around before I went back to dating and even that was surreal. I could have waited 2 years and I still think that she would have been angry over it. A mutual friend who I no longer talk to noted this specifically almost 3 months after the fact so I know that this is a bone of contention for her as well. I get an unusual number of photoless and hurriedly assembled visitors as I do one of her GF's who was recently divorced. I am sure that it doesn't help when she see's my female FB friends flirt with me openly. Interestingly, I suspect that the fact that she sees me on the dating site might be a comfort to her as it indicates that I am 'still looking' which I am. I wonder what will happen when I am no longer there ostensibly as I found 'the one'?

Again, I am not waiting in the wings for her glorious return and I am not in any real pain like I was in 6 months ago over this - she has created a wake of devastation that would be impossible to repair. I find that understanding what is going on over there helps me to better deal with my own emotions and frustration more than anything else.

[cloudten]

Just get off facebook. I plan on setting up a new account eventually... .but just get off facebook for now. it is nothing but bs. If you feel you want to do something for social networking... .set up a new account on a different social networking site like google+ or instagram.

[JRT]

Just get off facebook. I plan on setting up a new account eventually... .but just get off facebook for now. it is nothing but bs. If you feel you want to do something for social networking... .set up a new account on a different social networking site like google+ or instagram.

Why would I do that? I LOVE facebook... .I would like to think that I have a healthy approach to my activities there. FB is what one makes of it to the extent where I can see a lot of BS going on there. My exBPD stalks people and even when were were together looked more than posted. I am not really at all bothered by her continuing to do so nor am I bother by the prospect of her contact. matter of fact, I welcome it. I think that she knows that and is one of the things that compels her silence, though it it killing her.

[cloudten]

Then do yourself a favor... .just unfriend all her friends and family... .or block, which unfriends them automatically. Honestly, and with all of the empathy for your situation because I know I am NO BETTER than you and your situation... .but you are letting facebook continue your obsession... .and you are probably using it to stalk her as much as she stalks others.  I know she forced you out of the relationship and you don't really want to "leave"... .but here you are on the leaving board... .which is why I am giving you tough love. If you want to detach... .then you need to distance yourself. Stop trying to be friends with her friends and family. Stop trying to watch what she is doing. I know you love her. But right now you need to love yourself MORE.  Allowing facebook stuff regarding her is allowing your obsession and attachment.

[JRT]

Then do yourself a favor... .just unfriend all her friends and family... .or block, which unfriends them automatically. Honestly, and with all of the empathy for your situation because I know I am NO BETTER than you and your situation... .but you are letting facebook continue your obsession... .and you are probably using it to stalk her as much as she stalks others.  I know she forced you out of the relationship and you don't really want to "leave"... .but here you are on the leaving board... .which is why I am giving you tough love. If you want to detach... .then you need to distance yourself. Stop trying to be friends with her friends and family. Stop trying to watch what she is doing. I know you love her. But right now you need to love yourself MORE.  Allowing facebook stuff regarding her is allowing your obsession and attachment.

Cloudten

She compelled them all to unfriend or block me within days of the b/u... .almost all of them are gone now. I strongly suspect that she keeps tabs on me, daily, by virtue of a dummy account or otherwise. I really don't care of she does.