Thank you BPD community. Breaking up was one of the best decisions of my life

[gotbushels]

It's been almost a year since my cheating uBPD SO beat me enough times that I asked her to leave.

In some ways I feel that an old doctor I hadn't seen for decades, male abuse websites, Mason, Kreger, Fruzzetti saved my life.

I constantly feel more free to live a calm, peaceful and valuable life.

I feel like Padme when the emperor drained off all her life force and killed her. That emperor from my life is gone before she killed me.

The pain is still there but life is so much better, I can't describe it.



Thank God. Thank God for all of you too.

To those still in their struggles, in a relationship, or out of one, God bless you and may you find peace in life.



Thanks everyone. Thanks for being so supportive and trying to do the right thing for me even though you don't even know me off this forum. Thanks for using the techniques many of us are taught, on me, to help me make the 'right' and healthy decisions. That takes a real effort. Thanks for seeing and bearing my pain, as I know reading our stories to help people sometimes has that consequence.




To those still deciding... .please use SWOE and HCC (Fruzetti). Don't forget to hide them diligently and never show them to your SO.Whether you're staying or you're leaving, the techniques, if used properly, will give you space to breathe and get an amazing amount of clarity. Then you're in a better place to decide for yourself, and yes, whilst accounting for your 'duties' to your SO. I feel it vastly improved my relationship with my SO, caused me to choose to stay, but later on, she broke enough of my values to make me say STOP.


Moderators feel free to move this to where it belongs... .sorry, I haven't been on the site for a while. Thank you.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks for sharing and good wishes for the future 

[felix22]

Hi, I like your shield! Anyhow, great to hear that things are moving in a better direction for you. I'm going to look up your info about SWOE and HCC (Fruzetti). Not aware of it, yet. Anyways, nice to read something positive from someone who has made some good moves and is reaping the rewards from them. 

[adventurer]

I'm going to look up your info about SWOE and HCC (Fruzetti).

I was wondering about this too and figured it out.

SWOE = Stop Walking on Eggshells

HCC = High Conflict Couple

I've read the first, great book.  Was actually planning on working through the second one soon.

[felix22]

SWOE = Stop Walking on Eggshells

HCC = High Conflict Couple[/quote]
Ahhhh... .that makes sense! Thanks for the help deciphering.

[gotbushels]

I'm going to look up your info about SWOE and HCC (Fruzetti).

I was wondering about this too and figured it out.

SWOE = Stop Walking on Eggshells

HCC = High Conflict Couple

I've read the first, great book.  Was actually planning on working through the second one soon.

Good luck.

If you're in or out of the relationship, know it tends to get easier.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you for the good words.  I somehow ended up doing better with my uBPDw, in spite of my resignation to divorce or marriage misery. 

I made a lot of improvements in myself, through SWOE, and moreso from Stop Caretaking the Borderline by Fjelstad; The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Engel; and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Evans.  Those books have made a huge difference in my life.  I also read extensively about kids and divorce, since that applies to my case. 

However, I think through my boundaries and healthier mindset, I have affected my marriage to the better.  I got the the point of saying "See? I can change what's around me by changing me!"

I am really uplifted by the experience you share.  Although for me right now things are OK.

I chose to stay, for now.  I know that if they spiral down again, I will recognize it for what it is.  I know there's no more that I can do.  I am who I am, and I plan to stay healthy and take care of my kids.  I will not get dragged down again.  If I do, I have the groundwork set for divorce and escape.  I think you describe the same process, that you gave your relationship long enough and reached a point of no return.

I'm sharing your joy at being happy and healthy!

[zuki1111]

In reading on here about choosing to stay or leave, it says, if you stay, you have to be really strong and emotionally stable and willing to be a caretaker. What if you really love someone, and you are not able to be those things? That is my dilemma. I love him, and don't want to hurt and damage him more than I know he has been. But, I am breaking. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Zuki, That's what happens.  I stayed to provide stability for our kids, but nearly destroyed myself in the process, which was no help to anyone.  I suspect most Nons, including myself, have codependent tendencies; otherwise, we wouldn't be in a BPD r/s.  In other words, we frequently become caretakers, putting the needs of the BPD ahead of our own, with often disastrous results.  The key, in my view, is to start caring for yourself again, which is the first priority.  Don't wait for the crash landing, which is what I did.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

@Zuki - I hear you say how much you love your pwBPD.  I'll share my thoughts from my experience:

On this question of love... .

I have reached a point to where my relationship with my uBPDw does not feel like I am being drown, or buried alive - which were the two descriptors I used to think of for my marriage.  So, although right now I am surviving, I cannot say that I love her anymore.  And, when I think closely about my past relating to her, I wonder if I ever really could have.  I had strong feelings for her, but, for the most part I loved her, and she needed me.  She confused her need of me for love of me - if that makes any sense.  It was, at best, an asymmetrical relationship, that most would pass off as "love."  Love should be balanced and reciprocal, and mutually beneficial.  I think that anything other than this honest balanced love may be duty, need, altruism, care-taking, pragmatism, or some other reason, but not love.

From what I gleaned about love, there's the initial love - which is a feeling, and then there is mature love - which is a verb (what you do for the one you love).  I went through both, but she did not.  Now that I am much wiser, having lived a little and learned a lot, I realize that she cannot really love me, and I'm throwing away my effort if I try to truly love her.  She's a bit of an abyss when it come to that.  So, I go on "loving" her, but I wouldn't take bullet for her.  And, I'm sure my life would carry on without her.  I've gotten quite self-sufficient after being the caretaker for so many years. 

To borrow your words, I feel that I am getting really strong, and emotionally stable, but, I can only do so much caretaking, and I am learning to head off disaster - as you describe in your posting.  I think I can drag this out a little longer without going under myself.  Living with a uBPDw has affected me in that I am jaded and closed off from true intimacy.  PTSD is a common result of living with an abusive partner, we all have ways of coping.  In my case, it was a result of emotional weakness and abuse, so I've gotten stronger in response.

If the relationship is hurting you, it is not love.  Take some time and reflect on what keeps you there.  you may still want to stay, but you will have to change something, as you say in your own words, you are breaking. 

I'd advise to study and ponder as much as you can.  Weigh out the things you learn, as no one is _you_ in your life.  You know how you feel and what it is doing to you.

[gotbushels]

Thank you [... .]

I'm glad it's helpful Samwize.

One could read so much into parallels of your experience with your namesake's tendency to be an unending caregiver 

I'm glad to see we've both found SWOE. Interesting choice of other reading. I'm also happy to see that they've had an impact on you too. Things are tough and lonely sometimes!

I am very glad my experience has brought such positivity to you.

I think it's also a good sign that you feel you have done a lot to improve your situation. Often, I had that same feeling too.

[gotbushels]

In reading on here about choosing to stay or leave, it says, if you stay, you have to be really strong and emotionally stable and willing to be a caretaker. What if you really love someone, and you are not able to be those things? That is my dilemma. I love him, and don't want to hurt and damage him more than I know he has been. But, I am breaking. 

Hi zuki1111

I think LuckyJim's suggestion to care for yourself again is a really good one.

Please be encouraged that you may not have the worst situation. There are publicly available cases of decades of marriage with decades of difficulty without any of the help (and communities) for the non available. People do highly abusive things. I won't repeat them here to be sensitive to others.

In addition to LuckyJim's suggestion, these points may help.

• Find, think, and be clear about what you want out of the relationship.



• Be clear about your role, and your partner's role in the relationship.



• Know that his past wasn't your 'fault'.



• It sounds like there could be an element of FOG. I'd like to gently remind you to be wary of this. Not dealing with it adequately is usually very painful (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog). One way to do this: mentally step back, take a deep breath, and ask yourself if there is any creation of fear, obligation, or guilt from the situation.



• Consider self-validation. Validation is described here https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation . I didn't find a 'self'-validation article, but how it basically works is that you apply the validation techniques to yourself. If you're not sure, please ask

May I ask, why do you feel you are hurting or damaging him, or are risking doing so?

Good luck!

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks for posting this, gotbushels. I can hear the liberation in your words. It's a heady time when one finally breaks free. It took me nearly two decades to rid myself of a toxic marriage that included violence and infidelity. I kept thinking that if I just "loved him enough" he would see the error of his ways.

Ha!

Now I'm in another relationship with a pwBPD but this man is kind and a truly good person. I did therapy after I ended my first marriage, but those patterns instilled in childhood from a BPD mother had caused me to gravitate toward yet another BPD relationship. I mistook intensity of emotion for love and truly enjoyed the years I was painted white. When suddenly I was swept off the pedestal, I realized I had involved myself with yet another pwBPD, so here I am.

This go around, I have managed to not totally surrender myself. Participating here plus doing therapy has helped me strengthen my resolve and clarity. In my former marriage, I was codependent and a caretaker. Now, I'm developing some "healthy narcissism" and seeing what this relationship offers me, which is quite a lot.

I'm sad in that my romantic ideal of the "perfect partner" was just an illusion, but he really is a nice guy, despite the BPD. So I'm working around that and things are for the most part, peaceful and happy. It's no fun being around someone who is often depressed, self-critical, and irritable, so I create my life around other things than my partner. I do miss the intimacy we had and perhaps that is something that will be available in the future. I think I needed to distance myself just so that I didn't get sucked into old dysfunctional patterns and now that I've created new patterns, I don't feel so vulnerable.

Life is good. Just not what I had expected. 

[gotbushels]

Hi again everyone 

I bumped into my ex the other day. What do you do when you run into your ex?

[linked above]

I left the content there as I thought it would be most helpful for people struggling after breaking it off.

Good luck everyone!