If I have not spoken to her in 6 months, why would she paint me even blacker?

[JRT]

She knows and she expects you to hang onto it. During one of my recycles I was told that keeping hold of her thesis was a test of my worthiness. Sell her stuff and blow the money at the casino 

I am not surprised... .for this reason and that one, I believe that mine is thinking along those lines... .

[JRT]

What would it take to motivate one of your friends to block someone that you had already unfriended by their behest?

I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It is all understandably upsetting. My udxGF unfriended me on FB while we were still living together, and I am still holding on to things that she left at our house when she moved out several months ago. Has she contacted you at all?

Why do you think that it has be do with her painting you blacker? Because she is actively compelling her friends to take action against me. It has been 6 months; why would her friends block me after unfreinding me? As if I had done anything visible to them! Except not contact my ex.  Have you considered that it might have been a relatively benign conversation where she told that friend that she blocked you in addition to unfriending you or where she just suggested to the friend that she block you? What would drive that friend to then do the same? As I mentioned, it would be like putting another bullet into an already dead body. Maybe I have missed something, but I am not sure why the prompt needed to be any more dramatic than that not understanding this. Did you have to deal with a harsh smear campaign? She left all of a sudden and I have not spoken with her. I know that she has engaged ina smear campaign but I am not sure what she is saying other than I never cared and that I am a 'psycho'

How did you learn that her friend blocked you? If you are blocked on FB, you will not be able to see someone AT ALL if they have blocked you. So, if you search for them, they will not appear at all. Go to another account (I have 2) and there they all are.

With respect to returning her things, is it just a little box of things? No... .it would be difficult to fit it all into a pickup truck.

Do you see how I might be compelled to believe that I am even blacker now?

[Mike-X]

What would it take to motivate one of your friends to block someone that you had already unfriended by their behest?

I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It is all understandably upsetting. My udxGF unfriended me on FB while we were still living together, and I am still holding on to things that she left at our house when she moved out several months ago. Has she contacted you at all?

Why do you think that it has be do with her painting you blacker? Because she is actively compelling her friends to take action against me. It has been 6 months; why would her friends block me after unfreinding me? As if I had done anything visible to them! Except not contact my ex.  Have you considered that it might have been a relatively benign conversation where she told that friend that she blocked you in addition to unfriending you or where she just suggested to the friend that she block you? What would drive that friend to then do the same? As I mentioned, it would be like putting another bullet into an already dead body. Maybe I have missed something, but I am not sure why the prompt needed to be any more dramatic than that not understanding this. Did you have to deal with a harsh smear campaign? She left all of a sudden and I have not spoken with her. I know that she has engaged ina smear campaign but I am not sure what she is saying other than I never cared and that I am a 'psycho'

How did you learn that her friend blocked you? If you are blocked on FB, you will not be able to see someone AT ALL if they have blocked you. So, if you search for them, they will not appear at all. Go to another account (I have 2) and there they all are.

With respect to returning her things, is it just a little box of things? No... .it would be difficult to fit it all into a pickup truck.

Do you see how I might be compelled to believe that I am even blacker now?

I certainly see and saw in your previous post why you might believe that she has painted you blacker. I am sorry if my post came across as invalidating in any way. I was just trying to suggest that her friends blocking you might have been a more benign event than I was getting from your post, but maybe I was reading too much into your original post.

My udxGF unfriended me on FB while we were still living together, and I am still holding on to things that she left at our house when she moved out several months ago. Has she contacted you at all?

Yes, she has contacted me, basically low contact now.  We saw each other every other day or so after she first moved out, in November, and that lasted until about mid December. I saw her twice in January, and one time was just a chance encounter at a store. I have received a handful of emails, texts, and phone calls since January. She was out of town for most of February. I received one phone call when she got back, and I have received one set of texts since then.

[JRT]

No worries Mike... .I appreciate your input

I am surprised that you maintain such frequent contact with her.

[Suzn]

The second bullet happened to me too JRT. My ex slept with two of my friends, two people who had known me for years. They believed her lies. At first. Hell, I believed some of her lies. I was pretty mortified that people thought things of me that weren't true. Between that and losing my "family", two children involved, one I was very close to, I went into a deep depression. It lasted 3 months. After that I forced myself to start getting back out.

One of the things my ex told me was that two guys we knew hated me because of everything I'd "done." I loved these guys and it broke my heart because I believed her for a long time. I ran into those guys my first night out and I gathered the courage to go and ask if this was true. They both hugged me and told me no, that they never got involved in her drama.

After that, over time, people started coming to me and telling me things that had been said and that they had seen who was what. One girl who I'd known forever, hadn't seen her in a long time, showed up and literally tackled me at a super bowl party I had gone to. Scared the hell out of me at first but she was hugging me and started telling me about all the insane experiences she had had as a friend to my ex.

My point is, people will either see the behavior eventually or they already know. It's so hard when you are in the middle of the pain to see the possibilities of the future. Please know things will change for the better. You have been traumatized by this person in more ways than one.   Don't do like I did and think they all hate you.

Be cautious of your decisions right now, you never know what kind of spin she will put on them. It would be nice if you could ship this stuff to her sister, she probably has no idea what you actually have, meaning the all the sentimental stuff. 

[Mike-X]

Let me add that my decision to keep her things has to do with my believing that she has a serious mental health problem, of course, that would be BPD. In my mind, all of her nasty actions toward me and her leaving were due to that serious mental health problem, and I believe that her leaving these things behind also is due to her serious mental health problem. I feel bad for her for the mental and physical abuse that she endured that I believe led to her developing this problem. Until living with me, I know that she was not aware of BPD, and I don't believe that she thought that she had a problem. I think that she believed the BPD reality that her brain had constructed, including that her feelings and reactions were justified and she was purely a loving, innocent victim in her previous relationship.  Even when problems started in our relationship, in general, I think that she honestly believed in her BPD reality and that her paranoia and reactions were justified, although she did show signs of experiencing guilt, shame, and even remorse in some of her actions and even giving a couple of apologies along the way. I do not believe that she wants to live her life with out of control ruminations, paranoia, and rages, but of course, another sad part of BPD is resistance to seeking and accepting treatment.

In my weaker moments, when I am feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry because I was been misled, lied to, taken advantage of, abused, etc., I have felt like throwing these things away or demanding that she come and get them. However, when I pause and compose myself, I feel deep sorrow for her and see no need to punish her further by getting rid of her things or demanding that she come and pick them up. I currently have the space to store them, and at some point I will reach out to her and ask her what she would like for me to do with them.

[JRT]

Thanks Mike and Suzn again for you thoughts and accounts... .within the last couple of hours a new chapter has developed as a (former) mutual friend had IM'd me on FB suddenly, berated and swore at me (this person is pretty crazy herself... .always was) about this and that but my ex and her belongings were a theme to the exchange... .she was the only one of my friends that she had not unfriendned and the wife of the man that I asked ot be best man at our wedding (I think that it was intended to be a lifeline/hook for her)... .anyway, apparently my ex claimed to have heard about the ruse that I planted for her to see if she was stalking me on FB from mutual firends: bottom line, there were not mutual friends and she was lying to my buddys wife

Right now, I am feeling as if the breakup happened within the last hour... .She had long ago unfriended me on FB and it took some real balls to IM me and rant. Uggggghhhh! This stuff is going back to her by courier and I think I am going to join a friggiin commune!

This just doesn't seem to have an end... .it seems like every day there is something new that transpired. Ugggggghhh!

[Suzn]

JRT do you think it may be a good time to delete your facebook account for a while? You can always reactivate when you've had some time. It saves everything when you do that. This is turning into a game and stepping out of the ball park for a bit will help clear some of the mind games going on. You can decide for how long, a day, a week, a month.

You need a break.

[JRT]

This is an isolated incident as far my buddys wife goes... .FB is an important part of life for me... .I'm not an addict like I have seen others become, thought I AM social and interact with many of my friends; I'd like to think that I have a healthy FB approach... .I will not restrict my comings and going by virtue of a couple of idiots. And its something that I can handle as long as I have understanding. Her 'turretting' some things during her tirade, in fact, gave me a couple of minor nuggets.

[Suzn]

FB is an important part of life for me

It is for me too so I get it. In fact, it's been a lifeline a time or two with friends over the last year or two. My concern was how you are feeling right now and thinking a breather would help.

Did you and this woman work things out?

[findingmyselfagain]

JRT,

There's a lot of wisdom in this thread. To get to your original question, though, it's all about their disordered thinking. I've been away from my ex-fiance for over 5 years. I was painted black quickly, and since I've had a chance to get past the emotions, I can see just why I was so traumatized. It was like night and day, like many of us here. We were on an upswing and had just  had a nice wedding shower. I remained kind and loving and attentive, while she pushed me further away and acted more and more coldly and never warmed up. Within a few days of our wedding shower, she had supposedly innocently gone out with one of her co-workers on me. It collapsed quickly after that. For a long time I learned all I could about BPD and even joined a BPD support group and made friends with one of them. I wanted to see if it was "real love" like I thought and felt the intensity at the time. For several months she would either ignore me, be a little friendly, or go on an all-out rage. This, after I was a very good fiance and had practically adopted her baby daughter. It's crazy, isn't it? Well, they are crazy, and though I don't think they really intend for their relationships to end as disasters, they do. And they can't take responsibility because they can't be black. But they get lonely quickly, and the cycle starts again with whoever falls for it.

[JRT]

She simply left the conversation... .this was my final IM:

JRT do you really need to call me a f**ker... .assail my character and insult me?

TB Yes I do

JRT i don't see that it is helpful... .again: I do not feel that i have done anything to earn this... .if there is something that I am not seeing, tell me... .I'll accept full responsibility and ask for yuor forgiveness

And this was the tenor throughout the entire exchange... .I am NO pushover but this and the last exchange with her were similar... .there was no defending myself, I am guilty. And this was all of a provocative statement that she made directed at me on a post my brother put up. Her husband just throws up his arms and says that she hates people and he doesn't know why and guesses that she doesn't know why either!

The trouble is that she is the only person that my ex did not unfriend... .frankly they can be crazy all that they want with one another, I just don't care... .but she is the wife of one of my good friends behaving like this

Between my ex's detached family and this crazy woman, it creates pressure that makes me CONSIDER that I was the one doing the victimizing! I mean: I was literally scouring the back pages of my mind this afternoon considering my transgressions (there really weren't any) against my ex after this transpired!

There I was... .walking down the street minding my own business... .I don't need to get off of FB, I need a drink!

[JRT]

JRT,

There's a lot of wisdom in this thread. To get to your original question, though, it's all about their disordered thinking. I've been away from my ex-fiance for over 5 years. I was painted black quickly, and since I've had a chance to get past the emotions, I can see just why I was so traumatized. It was like night and day, like many of us here. We were on an upswing and had just  had a nice wedding shower. I remained kind and loving and attentive, while she pushed me further away and acted more and more coldly and never warmed up. Within a few days of our wedding shower, she had supposedly innocently gone out with one of her co-workers on me. It collapsed quickly after that. For a long time I learned all I could about BPD and even joined a BPD support group and made friends with one of them. I wanted to see if it was "real love" like I thought and felt the intensity at the time. For several months she would either ignore me, be a little friendly, or go on an all-out rage. This, after I was a very good fiance and had practically adopted her baby daughter. It's crazy, isn't it? Well, they are crazy, and though I don't think they really intend for their relationships to end as disasters, they do. And they can't take responsibility because they can't be black. But they get lonely quickly, and the cycle starts again with whoever falls for it.

Sorry to hear that all of that had happened... .we were engaged as well but didn't get quite as far as you... .must have been a real headache and embarrassment with the gifts and such.

It blows my mind that 6 months later and I am still dealing with the aftermath of this! I CAN'T WAIT until I hire that courier to return her belongings... .I KNOW that she knows that I cannot bring myself to throwing the stuff out and she sees this as power. It will be the last tie and I can move on from there (as long as I don't get any more crazy IM's).

History being the best predictor of the future... .I don't think its going to be the last that I see or hear from her.

[Suzn]

there was no defending myself, I am guilty. Her husband just throws up his arms and says that she hates people and he doesn't know why and guesses that she doesn't know why either!

JRT even this woman's husband knows she's hateful. Why are you letting something she said hold any value? You are giving these people complete power over you by questioning your own memories. This falls into the FOG category my friend. She pushed one of those three buttons. Which one?

[JRT]

there was no defending myself, I am guilty. Her husband just throws up his arms and says that she hates people and he doesn't know why and guesses that she doesn't know why either!

JRT even this woman's husband knows she's hateful. Why are you letting something she said hold any value? You are giving these people complete power over you by questioning your own memories. This falls into the FOG category my friend. She pushed one of those three buttons. Which one?

Really none of them... .this doesn't have to do with BPD... .it has to do with a friend who took as side and it was the wrong one! ... .I know that she is a mean and spiteful person, she has given me and many others a hard time in the past. I wonder if she just created a sort of tipping point where I feel that there are more of my ex's supporters than there are mine... .dunno. Most of my friends would be shocked that I am still even thinking about it, let along on this forum. So, they don't stroke me. Meanwhile, I am not altogether over it and her vitriol as the wife of a friend and former friend herself is upsetting.

On that side, this all seems to indicate that matters remain active. I wonder if they formed a club and throw darts at my effigy?>! Sure seems like that. 

[Suzn]

JRT FOG doesn't come explicitly from our relationship with our expwBPD. It comes from having a predisposition to it.

You took inventory of your past transgressions, not that were any, but that would suggest guilt. Do you see? And if you looked hard you might see some fear.

[JRT]

Maybe... .I LIKE people... .I am very social and I give people a ton of respect... .I don't like it when I try and someone does not like me... .it is upsetting even if there was nothing acrimonious that happened, maybe disappointing is the word... .when someone spews venom like she did; where it was unjustified or deserved; where as the wife of one of my closest friends, if there was a side to have been taken, she should have taken mine and not hers, then yeah - it makes me feel pretty crappy for her to have done what she did.

[HappyNihilist]

JRT, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. 

I don't like it when I try and someone does not like me

It does feel disappointing when we try and someone still doesn't like us. But we can't control what other people think or feel - just like no one else can control what we think or feel, or who we like or don't like. Some people just aren't going to like us, and we're not going to like some people, and that's OK. It doesn't make anyone less intrinsically worthy or valuable.

By all accounts, this woman doesn't like very many people. Her not liking you doesn't reflect on who you are as a person. Her opinion of you and your relationship is irrelevant to your truth.

[JRT]

JRT, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. 

I don't like it when I try and someone does not like me

It does feel disappointing when we try and someone still doesn't like us. But we can't control what other people think or feel - just like no one else can control what we think or feel, or who we like or don't like. Some people just aren't going to like us, and we're not going to like some people, and that's OK. It doesn't make anyone less intrinsically worthy or valuable.

By all accounts, this woman doesn't like very many people. Her not liking you doesn't reflect on who you are as a person. Her opinion of you and your relationship is irrelevant to your truth.

I agree and cannot tell you how much I appreciate both of you comforting me. Maybe I am making more about this than I should. Its like a punch in the nose; it hurts a LOT at first but then it goes away. You put some ice on it and you soothe. Your friends tell you that you kicked the other guys a$$ and you feel much better. Same thing here. It was just like a punch in the nose.

Thank you both! Always look forward to reading your posts.

[Infared]

Infared,

I can just picture her stuff getting picked over on the street and you glancing out in pain wondering how it all happened. So sad.

Many of us did not really know about BPD or the affect it would have on us as their significant others. We were "all in" as you said, and ready to make a life together with them. Behind our backs they were planning their escape.

I am trying to recover from all of this and take a good hard look at myself. Why did I pick a cheating husband only to fall for a BPD?  I was ripe for the pickings? Too co dependent? Why does life keep giving us lessons when we don't want them anymore?  I just want to live life and be happy and I have made two terrible choices.

Well there is no denying that we played a part in "picking" our BPD significant other. I had been in a 6-year abusive relationship and was quite damaged when I met my exBPD. A lot of time had gone by, but I was still very vulnerable to the love bombing by this attractive younger woman. I am definitely co-dependent as we messed intensely and for me it was great for 5-years, not perfect, but I really really cared for this person.  ... .but I guess that it was all a codependent dance?

The abrupt betrayal and abandonment and the complete flip in her personality once she had new supply was just something that I did not see coming and it was very damaging to my psyche, especially after the last relationship that I had been in.

... as JRT experienced, the discarding of personal belongings and just (in my case) the apparent washing them-self clean of their past (me and our home) and starting an immediate new life (that looked like I created, not her), and just telling so, so many lies... .she also was not taking any responsibility for the new relationship... .It just "happened to her"? I had the sense that she switched 'poles', was 'repelled' from me and immediately 'locked onto' the new supply. Instantly and tightly. Then, she just devalued me as if she was under some kind of spell or something.

I do not know if I can ever sort that out in my soul... .but I know that my make-up allowed me to enmesh with an extremely mentally ill person. That I am sure of. These relationships are tough, any way that you slice them! I try to keep the club in the closet as much as possible, but still work at learning my part in the whole mess.

[downwhim]

I think the only way they can live with the guilt of how they dumped us is to paint us even blacker. I am sure to my ex, his family and friends I am an awful person. He uses his kids as an excuse for everything so I couldn't live with his kids. He immediately moved them in once he dumped me.

[Infared]

I think the only way they can live with the guilt of how they dumped us is to paint us even blacker. I am sure to my ex, his family and friends I am an awful person. He uses his kids as an excuse for everything so I couldn't live with his kids. He immediately moved them in once he dumped me.

Well, mine, now... .if she is alone and sees me out somewhere (her evil radar must be set on hyperdrive at all times!) she will go waaaaaay out her way (in a mentally ill obsessive kind of way), to "accidentally" run into me... .with this uncertain look on her face... .maybe I am painted white now? Who knows... .who cares... .I just RUN!

I just got a new car... .so that may cammoflage me for a little while... .but I think that they may have finally moved away! One can only hope.