we are headed to the dark place again...

[survivalmode27]

Things have been pretty good lately. They were really bad this fall and we have been going to threrapy and things improved dramatically. We just got back from vacation last week, and I can tell we are headed back to the dark area.

Part of it is me. Things get better and I get hope that we can have a normal relationship. One where both partners are loved unconditionally and truly happy for the other when something good happens to them... .then I am reminded that I am married to a BPD. So I am a little down right now, which if you have been with a BPD long, you know you can never be down or have a weak day.

Vacations seem to be hard for them and we had a major blowup on of the days we were gone, a bigger fight then we have had for a while. I know it was just the anxiety and stress of him being on vacation. Being away from home and what is comfortable and controlled. But it still hurts. I had to baby him and take put downs all day until he finally came around. We were able to rebound and have a few good days together, but now that we are back home and I am a little down because of how things happened... .he is distant and very short... .I just know that he is going back in his hole again.

UHG... .bad days ahead

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[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello survivalmode,  I understand what you are saying.  It is difficult when you feel bad times coming on.

I know the feeling of hoping things will be "normal".  For a long time, I just hoped that once a bad time had passed that things would finally make a turn for the better.  Well, the only thing you can change for sure, is yourself. 

Things have improved for me when i stopped worrying so much about his problems.  Becoming anxious just makes my r/s worse.  In "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or

Narcissist... ." The author says "having somewhere to go and something to do can help lower your anxiety and short-circuit your automatic response to engage with the BP/NP in useless, antagonistic, and inflammatory discussions or arguments that just make the relationship worse."

I highly recommend reading that book.  It really has helped me and i refer to it often.

Just because he goes back in his hole again, do you have to go with him?

I suggest working on becoming the healthiest and happiest person you can be.  Keep the faith.  Let us know how you are doing.

[survivalmode27]

thanks, I have read the book and so many others. I have been aware of BPD for 4 years now. I tried the be the healthiest person I can be method for 6 months and it led us back to MC. It caused so much turmoil on our relationship. In his mind I was slipping away and then the Borderline just flared up to where it was impossible to live around him.

Maybe I should try it again. Maybe the first time I took it a little overboard.

I do not go into the dark hole with him, but I do live with him so it does have an impact on me for sure.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Believe me, I understand what you are saying.  All my efforts of trying to not rock the boat did not have lasting results.  I have experienced the same thing when I learned about BPD and tried to stop caretaking it actually led to a separation for us.

I have recommitted myself to the r/s but on different terms.  So I can sympathize with you.  My husband's ups and downs have an affect on me as well. 

I was thinking last night about your comment of never being down or having a weak time.  It is that way for me, too.  He senses a tone, etc and reacts.  It is tiring.

Also, i hesitate to say anything when i am having a disagreement with a friend, coworker or family member because he will write them off or worse say something nasty to them.  I have a member of my family who i was very close with and she won't speak to me bc of a name he called her when she and I had a difference of opinion.  We probably would have settled it and gone on, but now we are estranged.  Have you had this experience?

So, I see where you are coming from.  Good luck.  I would be interested in hearing how it is going for you. 

[Notwendy]

I have memories of the strangest things happening on vacations. I wish I had known about BPD. Maybe not- I might have just freaked out. The more time I spend on this board, the more behaviors I recognize. The hard part for me is reconciling how functional my H is along with the behaviors. If not for our own intimate r/s, one would not even guess. This is in stark contrast to my mother, who is on the extreme of all the BPD behaviors and is quite low functioning. I am grateful that my H is as high functioning as he is, as it has benefitted us and him.

However, this also makes it easy to hope and expect for things to be "normal". How can someone so capable fail to understand the impact of these moods and behaviors on others, and blame others so easily. Such a mystery. So for years, we have had nice vacations impacted by craziness. Him having a meltdown at the supermarket when it was crowded and the grocery clerk got rattled. Fights and arguments over who knows what. Him deciding not to speak to me for days... .

One of the strangest things he said to me once on vacation was " On vacation, we have sex every night" as if it was some rule he established. He didn't ask me about whether I wanted that or not, just decided this was it.

One thing that it seems about my H, is that his emotional state and how he sees things is determined internally. I've had the impression that he has no idea how I feel at any one time. He does try to "read" me well and he is very in tune with changes in my attention. However, I could not be paying attention to him for a number of reasons- that have nothing to do with him. He will decide for himself what that means without asking me. Likewise, he can decide at any time, that I want sex. Once he's got that in his mind, anything that happens that does not fit with that picture is triggering. So, once he decided that this is what we should do every night on vacation, he assumed that was how I felt too.

[survivalmode27]

I have broke down and told some of my friends of my husbands condition because of situations where they blown away by his actions or things he has said, and more so how he has treated me. So I told them there was reasons why he is so irrational. Thankfully they have been understanding and let things slide. But I know that we are left out because of it as well.

H seems to be good today. I am treading very lightly and trying to not let him get to the dark place. Once he gets there, I can not get him out without weekly therapy sessions.

Yes Vacationing with a BPD individual is terrible. I just think they can not handle being out of their environment that they go nuts. I bet to them it feels like their skin is crawling. I cant imagine knowing that I should be happy on vacation, but feeling miserable.

Yes, my H takes a situation and element of truth and then elaborates a story around it to justify his feelings. All the time. Especially if I speak to a member of the opposite sex. Just a causal, smile, comment, or conversation will lead to I was getting drunk and having an affair. And what kind of H would deal with that, none would. 

It is all so exhausting. As long as they are in their comfort zone, you are a pillar of stability. Have no social life or interest outside of them, and don't care to ever travel... .you should be fine... .sorry for the heavy tone of sarcasm.