Identity Confusion - PTSD or my own disorder?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am not sure if this is due to my time in the relationship or whether I have a PD of my own but I really really struggle now in identifying who and what I am with any consistency. So for example, I moved abroad, have a C-Level job, live alone in a nice flat with a terrace and from the outside have it pretty sweet on the professional/acheivement level but my own relationship with that fluctuates all the time from "well done - this is good stuff and you're brave to be living alone in a foreign country" to "you ran away to a foreign country and eventually you will lose your job and apartment and you're a sad git for living alone".

I can't keep any opinion of myself solid from day to day, its not just the above, I'm like this with everything, am I nice and friendly, or am I weird and creepy, am I emotional and open or am I controlling and calculating. I am quite sure I never had this constant self doubt even down to the level of who I am and whether I am a good or bad person. Only since being with my ex did this develop so I would guess it is relationship related or was heightened due to that. Its a horrible feeling and it leads to getting very little done and not knowing what you enjoy or where you should be. 

Am I alone in this? Does anyone recognise it?

[Trog]

I am not sure if this is due to my time in the relationship or whether I have a PD of my own but I really really struggle now in identifying who and what I am with any consistency. So for example, I moved abroad, have a C-Level job, live alone in a nice flat with a terrace and from the outside have it pretty sweet on the professional/acheivement level but my own relationship with that fluctuates all the time from "well done - this is good stuff and you're brave to be living alone in a foreign country" to "you ran away to a foreign country and eventually you will lose your job and apartment and you're a sad git for living alone".

I can't keep any opinion of myself solid from day to day, its not just the above, I'm like this with everything, am I nice and friendly, or am I weird and creepy, am I emotional and open or am I controlling and calculating. I am quite sure I never had this constant self doubt even down to the level of who I am and whether I am a good or bad person. Only since being with my ex did this develop so I would guess it is relationship related or was heightened due to that. Its a horrible feeling and it leads to getting very little done and not knowing what you enjoy or where you should be. 

Am I alone in this? Does anyone recognise it?

[tjay933]

I too fluctuate from feeling strong and secure in myself to thinking I am a ditz and worthless. for me I think it is just the after-effects of living with a pwBPD but if you are concerned about it, you may want to seek some professional help with therapy or medication to see if it might be depression or just that you need some self-esteem exercises. physical exercise helps as well. lots of fresh air. I find sharing with others helps as well.

how long have you been out? do you still have contact? how long were you together?

have you considered you may just be lonely for home as well? get out, make some new friends, new habits, new hobbies. those help as well to let you learn who you are again-or to learn who you want to be. imo.

and don't forget to treat yourself today-chocolate is a cure all-most everything. imo. 

[going places]

I am not sure if this is due to my time in the relationship or whether I have a PD of my own but I really really struggle now in identifying who and what I am with any consistency.

I can relate:

Who are you? Tell me, about you.

So for example, I moved abroad, have a C-Level job, live alone in a nice flat with a terrace and from the outside have it pretty sweet on the professional/acheivement level but my own relationship with that fluctuates all the time from "well done - this is good stuff and you're brave to be living alone in a foreign country" to "you ran away to a foreign country and eventually you will lose your job and apartment and you're a sad git for living alone".

That is part of the remnants of abuse.

Constantly questioning yourself.

Do not doubt yourself. Stick with the positive, and drown the negative.

When the negative tries to creep in; fight back with True positive words.

Scripture is my go to. Find yours... .and be armed with positive when the negative creeps in.

I can't keep any opinion of myself solid from day to day, its not just the above, I'm like this with everything, am I nice and friendly, or am I weird and creepy, am I emotional and open or am I controlling and calculating. I am quite sure I never had this constant self doubt even down to the level of who I am and whether I am a good or bad person. Only since being with my ex did this develop so I would guess it is relationship related or was heightened due to that. Its a horrible feeling and it leads to getting very little done and not knowing what you enjoy or where you should be. 

It has been 8 months since I have 'seen' my ex.

I do have to email with him about last little details of the sale of the home. But it's like once or twice a week.

BUT WHEN I DO... .it makes me sick to my stomach, physically ill, edgy, jumpy, panic attack, etc.

I HATE communicating w him because it makes me feel so yuck.

When he met me 25 years ago, I had more confidence than I knew what to do with... .

PTSD pulled the drain plug on that. Thank to my ex.

HOWEVER THAT is not the end of the story.

I am a fighter. I will come out of this emotional apocalypse stronger, better, and wiser.

You can too!

Am I alone in this? Does anyone recognise it?

Yes. Some days, this pulls me down onto the couch and I cannot move.

Today, is NOT one of those days.

For that, I am grateful to God!

[Suzn]

I am not sure if this is due to my time in the relationship or whether I have a PD of my own but I really really struggle now in identifying who and what I am with any consistency. So for example, I moved abroad, have a C-Level job, live alone in a nice flat with a terrace and from the outside have it pretty sweet on the professional/achievement level but my own relationship with that fluctuates all the time from "well done - this is good stuff and you're brave to be living alone in a foreign country" to "you ran away to a foreign country and eventually you will lose your job and apartment and you're a sad git for living alone".

I asked my T something similar to this once. I said something more along the lines of I can't tell if these back and forth feelings are "me" or if they are related to something else. She said "they are ALL you." It doesn't have to be so black and white. Where are the grey areas? I would guess they are while you are working and don't have time to focus on what the future holds as you are experiencing the moment as it comes.

You have fears, everyone has fears to some degree, and I agree with some of it being remnants of abuse. Take some time to be present, in the now. Right now things are as they are and we can experience right now. You are doing that when you look around and feel the pride and appreciation from your hard work. Thinking you will lose your job and apartment is living in a future that will likely never be.

I also agree with considering working with a T who can give you some valuable insight. Going it alone while trying to figure out what are remnants and what aren't is difficult.