High Anxiety from the wait to move out

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So the last few weeks have been super fun at my house.  I'm not certain whether to change now exSO to uBPD or uBiPolar, or what.  But the full range of BPD splitting me black behaviors are in full bloom since the decision to split has been made.  It really got into full swing when after we were having a discussion about a few things, still being friendly and even somewhat respectful, she morphed and degenerated into yet another emotional downward spiral accused me of being willing to "sell her out", turned my mother into some demonic figure, and other stuff from some alternative reality.

I have no idea where the "sell her out" comment came from.  And sell her out for what?  

She has a big issue with my mother, for some reason thinks my mother hates her.  And my mother does have a bunch of reservations about her, and has for a while.  Has to do with exSO never calling her or acknowledging cards/gifts for Xmas/birthdays/etc. for exSO and her kids.  In fact, exSO's only response to my mother reaching out has been to unfriend my mother on FB back in August.  And even after that, my mother continued to reach out some, only to continue to be ignored.  Other than that, they've never had real interaction.  

The rest of it was just La-La Land stuff that could be summed as up as exSO has all these feelings, and because they are her feelings, she is entitled to act out and against anyone and anything regardless of reality.  Afterall, they are her "feeeeeelings" and that's all that matters, so she's justified in anything.

I got up and told her feelings don't give her some blank behavioral check to act as she has been and don't give her permission to behave as she has been for a quite a while now, and walked out.  She's also convinced I've turned joint friends against her.  The truth is she's done that herself.  I was defending her (even knowing it was really inexcusable).  The joint friends are so furious with her about their own issues that have cropped up between them and her that they are all telling me not to get back together with her because they don't want to have to deal with her again.

I've got 4-5 weeks before I'll be able to move out.  At the moment, she is gone 'til way late every night, is never around for her own kids, they are just scrounging around the house for food, never cleaning up after themselves, asking me all the time where mom is, not having any kind of adult direction in their lives.  It's been made clear to me I'm not to involve myself with them, but she hasn't told them we're splitting up yet either.  My home is so chaotic because the kids are trashing everything and acting like wild animals that I literally can't stand to be there.  

I've given exSO written notice of dates to be out by as the lease ends at the end of April (she's not on the lease, I am, and here, it makes me her landlord).  She has refused to respond, or acknowledge receipt.  She has refused to tell me any of her plans, I've only asked once, but it's like she's trying to pull the ultimate silent treatment to get me to crack and beg her not to leave me.  Oh yeah, she's convinced herself she's leaving me and when she does talk to me it's only to try to tell me how I'm so bad she has to leave me.  

It's getting so hard to not just tell her to STFU or 'ef off and get away from me in these interactions now.  I managed to keep my cool through all this and intend to keep doing it by just ignoring the nastiness from her and keeping my distance.  The self-absorption is amazing.  And while I feel bad for the kids being basically abandoned by their mother, I'm keeping my distance and not stepping in on anything with them.  They have escalated how entitled they are acting as well.  I had ordered some Domino's pizza for them about a week ago.  They wouldn't get off the TV's and games to come eat.  Then complained it was cold when they finally got off their duffs.  And complained about no clean dishes, when they are the ones dirtied it all up and refuse to clean up after themselves.  And their mom only says to me it's easier to just clean it up then make them do it.  Umm... .no!  She's really allowing the kids to go bonkers as a way to make it even harder for me, using them as one of her weapons.

Just yesterday one asked me to get them from school with no notice again, and I actually said no.  Well, I said "you have to call your mom."  She said "but mom won't answer the phone!"  But I can't on rescuing them from their dumb decisions.  And their mom has to start addressing the selfishness and laziness of her kids.  Or at least I'm not going to anymore, and if their mom doesn't, it's going to keep happening that her kids don't get picked up until 8 or 9pm. I don't anything else to do but just back out and let them have their circus.  They aren't actually damaging the house, so I guess I'll just let things be messy.  I'm not buying groceries for them anymore, no more pizzas, etc.  :)oing that only enables their mother to continue to use them as a tool against me, and I just can't do that.

I'm getting out with friends, going on hikes with new hiking clubs I joined, and generally keeping my son out of the middle by keeping with me on my custody time and not letting him get in the middle of the other kids.  But I can't wait for this lease to end.  I want free of these idiots so bad now.  I can totally see exSO's kids mimicking their mother right now.  I'm witnessing in dramatic detail just how disordered parents pass on their issues to their kids.

She's also still crawling into bed next to me late at night.  I can lock the door, but she beats on it and starts yelling.  I suppose I could record it and call the cops, but I don't trust them not to fall for the poor woman routine from her.  I've been through the false DV routine before and won't be repeating that particular mistake again with calling the cops.  It's also easy to unlock the door from outside, so she's doing it quietly now and just laying down.  

I'm actually considering turning off the cable and internet.  The kids fight about screen time non-stop now, and since their mom isn't keeping watch, they are up real late every night, missing the bus for school a lot, etc.  They have cell phones in my name too.  exSO has actually started giving me money to pay for their portion of the bill, but I'm considering turning their phones off now anyway.  She has said over and over she's going to get her own account, but won't do it.  I'm thinking just turn the service off and take possession of the phones since they are in name, I've paid every cent for them, making them mine legally.  exSO can provide her own phones.  She also needs internet at the house for her real estate work, but again, I don't, so not my problem.  Maybe not having it will motivate her to leave quicker.

The end result of all the crazy is that I'm having very strong anxiety right now.  I don't want my son in the middle of all this crap either.  He's complaining about exSO, her kids, etc. a lot.  They are all acting like a$$hats.  It all comes down to exSO has basically become very emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive towards me and as it was escalating I said no I wont' tolerate it.  Now because I won't go along with her distorted cr*p, I'm painted black and they are making my home that they make no contribution to paying for a living hell.  I'm getting so angry about it all I'm having a very hard time maintaining my balance and composure.  

[Waddams]

So the last few weeks have been super fun at my house.  I'm not certain whether to change now exSO to uBPD or uBiPolar, or what.  But the full range of BPD splitting me black behaviors are in full bloom since the decision to split has been made.  It really got into full swing when after we were having a discussion about a few things, still being friendly and even somewhat respectful, she morphed and degenerated into yet another emotional downward spiral accused me of being willing to "sell her out", turned my mother into some demonic figure, and other stuff from some alternative reality.

I have no idea where the "sell her out" comment came from.  And sell her out for what?  

She has a big issue with my mother, for some reason thinks my mother hates her.  And my mother does have a bunch of reservations about her, and has for a while.  Has to do with exSO never calling her or acknowledging cards/gifts for Xmas/birthdays/etc. for exSO and her kids.  In fact, exSO's only response to my mother reaching out has been to unfriend my mother on FB back in August.  And even after that, my mother continued to reach out some, only to continue to be ignored.  Other than that, they've never had real interaction.  

The rest of it was just La-La Land stuff that could be summed as up as exSO has all these feelings, and because they are her feelings, she is entitled to act out and against anyone and anything regardless of reality.  Afterall, they are her "feeeeeelings" and that's all that matters, so she's justified in anything.

I got up and told her feelings don't give her some blank behavioral check to act as she has been and don't give her permission to behave as she has been for a quite a while now, and walked out.  She's also convinced I've turned joint friends against her.  The truth is she's done that herself.  I was defending her (even knowing it was really inexcusable).  The joint friends are so furious with her about their own issues that have cropped up between them and her that they are all telling me not to get back together with her because they don't want to have to deal with her again.

I've got 4-5 weeks before I'll be able to move out.  At the moment, she is gone 'til way late every night, is never around for her own kids, they are just scrounging around the house for food, never cleaning up after themselves, asking me all the time where mom is, not having any kind of adult direction in their lives.  It's been made clear to me I'm not to involve myself with them, but she hasn't told them we're splitting up yet either.  My home is so chaotic because the kids are trashing everything and acting like wild animals that I literally can't stand to be there.  

I've given exSO written notice of dates to be out by as the lease ends at the end of April (she's not on the lease, I am, and here, it makes me her landlord).  She has refused to respond, or acknowledge receipt.  She has refused to tell me any of her plans, I've only asked once, but it's like she's trying to pull the ultimate silent treatment to get me to crack and beg her not to leave me.  Oh yeah, she's convinced herself she's leaving me and when she does talk to me it's only to try to tell me how I'm so bad she has to leave me.  

It's getting so hard to not just tell her to STFU or 'ef off and get away from me in these interactions now.  I managed to keep my cool through all this and intend to keep doing it by just ignoring the nastiness from her and keeping my distance.  The self-absorption is amazing.  And while I feel bad for the kids being basically abandoned by their mother, I'm keeping my distance and not stepping in on anything with them.  They have escalated how entitled they are acting as well.  I had ordered some Domino's pizza for them about a week ago.  They wouldn't get off the TV's and games to come eat.  Then complained it was cold when they finally got off their duffs.  And complained about no clean dishes, when they are the ones dirtied it all up and refuse to clean up after themselves.  And their mom only says to me it's easier to just clean it up then make them do it.  Umm... .no!  She's really allowing the kids to go bonkers as a way to make it even harder for me, using them as one of her weapons.

Just yesterday one asked me to get them from school with no notice again, and I actually said no.  Well, I said "you have to call your mom."  She said "but mom won't answer the phone!"  But I can't on rescuing them from their dumb decisions.  And their mom has to start addressing the selfishness and laziness of her kids.  Or at least I'm not going to anymore, and if their mom doesn't, it's going to keep happening that her kids don't get picked up until 8 or 9pm. I don't anything else to do but just back out and let them have their circus.  They aren't actually damaging the house, so I guess I'll just let things be messy.  I'm not buying groceries for them anymore, no more pizzas, etc.  :)oing that only enables their mother to continue to use them as a tool against me, and I just can't do that.

I'm getting out with friends, going on hikes with new hiking clubs I joined, and generally keeping my son out of the middle by keeping with me on my custody time and not letting him get in the middle of the other kids.  But I can't wait for this lease to end.  I want free of these idiots so bad now.  I can totally see exSO's kids mimicking their mother right now.  I'm witnessing in dramatic detail just how disordered parents pass on their issues to their kids.

She's also still crawling into bed next to me late at night.  I can lock the door, but she beats on it and starts yelling.  I suppose I could record it and call the cops, but I don't trust them not to fall for the poor woman routine from her.  I've been through the false DV routine before and won't be repeating that particular mistake again with calling the cops.  It's also easy to unlock the door from outside, so she's doing it quietly now and just laying down.  

I'm actually considering turning off the cable and internet.  The kids fight about screen time non-stop now, and since their mom isn't keeping watch, they are up real late every night, missing the bus for school a lot, etc.  They have cell phones in my name too.  exSO has actually started giving me money to pay for their portion of the bill, but I'm considering turning their phones off now anyway.  She has said over and over she's going to get her own account, but won't do it.  I'm thinking just turn the service off and take possession of the phones since they are in name, I've paid every cent for them, making them mine legally.  exSO can provide her own phones.  She also needs internet at the house for her real estate work, but again, I don't, so not my problem.  Maybe not having it will motivate her to leave quicker.

The end result of all the crazy is that I'm having very strong anxiety right now.  I don't want my son in the middle of all this crap either.  He's complaining about exSO, her kids, etc. a lot.  They are all acting like a$$hats.  It all comes down to exSO has basically become very emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive towards me and as it was escalating I said no I wont' tolerate it.  Now because I won't go along with her distorted cr*p, I'm painted black and they are making my home that they make no contribution to paying for a living hell.  I'm getting so angry about it all I'm having a very hard time maintaining my balance and composure.  

[tjay933]

WOW that is a lot to take. you do great at expressing yourself. I really feel for you in such a nasty situation.

I think it's great that you are backing away from taking responsibility for their actions-good on you.

It's also great that you are getting involved outside the house-hiking & out with friends. 

as D day approaches, have you considered alternate plans in the event she gets even worse or refuses to leave? something to think about.

please be very very careful what you do/say so that no wrong can be placed against you regarding either her kids or her. especially if she finds a way to call the police and get you arrested under false/real charges and you end up in trouble because she successfully goaded you into it. if you feel the urge, go for a walk.

I really feel for you and you are doing great! keep it up. 

[Waddams]

as D day approaches, have you considered alternate plans in the event she gets even worse or refuses to leave? something to think about.

Eviction, but the process takes about a month.  I really won't gain much from it.

please be very very careful what you do/say so that no wrong can be placed against you regarding either her kids or her. especially if she finds a way to call the police and get you arrested under false/real charges and you end up in trouble because she successfully goaded you into it. if you feel the urge, go for a walk.

I've consulted my L regarding the kids.  Since they're under my roof, basically what responsibilities do I have?  I can document the breakup so as long as I don't ignore some kind of immediate emergency, my L says I'm okay.  I only need to step in if somebody's about die or something.

I've also thought about breaking my lease and leaving early.  And telling exSO she has to leave immediately as well.  The environment is not healthy for me or my son.  

I have my recorder handy at all times as well.  And it's kind of hard for exSO to claim she's scared and what not when I've got emails showing she's still sleeping next to me.  I've already left the home a few times to get away.  I don't make a big deal.  Just calmly head out.

I've actually had a married couple offer to let me and my son take a spare room in their house short term.  My issue with that is I don't trust exSO and her kids not to escalate even farther and start damaging the home.  I want my deposit back!

[sun seeker]

   Hey wad

   Dam that's an intense read! I couldn't imagine being in your shoes.

   My first thought is screw the deposit  ,  if not for your health , youwell-being and FREEDOM                      (jail) hall a*s for your sons well being. Its only going to get worse the closer it gets to the end of your lease .im sure you are aware.

  Sorry you are going through this. Hope it all works out.

[tjay933]

glad to see you thought ahead and planned accordingly. good on you 

[WhatTheFrank]

Turn off/cancel every service other than electricity/heat/water.  Break the lease and don't tell her until it's the day to move out.  That sounds about fair.

[tjay933]

imo regarding cell phones/services: anything that is in your name-cancel except the utilities until d-day-then cancel that once you are out also. the less that you have "together" the less there is for her to mess with you over. cancel anything that you do not directly use or is in your possession-even if she "promises" to pay you back-don't buy it-she will abuse it and it will remain a hook to keep you around and her-ass you further. just my opinion but I'm sure you've already covered that too. 

[Suzn]

Hey waddams, sorry to hear things have come to this. It may be a good idea to stay with friends. Anything they break, if they did indeed break something, could be fixed. And of course you could protect yourself with something like this...

www.brickhousesecurity.com/category/hidden+cameras/best+hidden+cameras.do

Just a thought.

It would probably help your stress level to be out of the house and keep you out of any trouble with police if things got that bad.

[Waddams]

I've had friends offer to let me stay with them.  And I do stay at their place sometimes.  I just don't want to wear out my welcome. 

Another aspect of this is I know I ignored   with this woman.  I kind of made my own bed here.  I really don't intend to try to look for someone to rescue me from the consequences of my own choices.  I had a big part in creating this situation for myself.  I feel like it's on me to ride it out now without imposing on others.  Maybe it's a boneheaded, stubborn thing to do, but is what it is.

Next, I don't want to break the lease because I want my deposit back AND the next landlord will want a good reference from the current landlord.

All that said, I have considered breaking the lease anyway.  The last reason I haven't is that despite it all, I still do have a heart.  I haven't been able to bring myself to basically put her kids on the street. 

But the cell phones are turning off if she doesn't switch them.  I'm gonna send her a message with a deadline and ultimatum.  Their phones are all also in my name.  I'll consent to a change in responsibility as long as she also assumes the equipment charges for the phones, but if she won't then I'm taking possession of the phones that are legally mine and selling them to pay the things off.