Watching her fall apart

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Six-months ago, when my dPBPD ex announced her intention to file for divorce, she was strong and resolute in her decision.  Obviously pained, but seemed resolute in her decision.  As time passed there were momentary blips where she seemed to lose her resolve (ie. when I came to terms with her decision), but overall she maintained her composure. 

The last few weeks though, as we approach her return to finalize the divorce, I have had to watch (or more literally hear about) her rapid decline.  The finality of her decision is quickly becoming reality for her, and she is allowing it to destroy her.  She has lost her job, given up on her career path completely (when weeks ago she was discussing her intent to go back to grad school), and as of yesterday quit DBT (after two years).

And while I know none of this is my problem any longer, it still pains me deeply.  I invested so much of myself into her for a decade and watched her invest so much in trying to improve herself that the idea of her succumbing to self-destructive behavior truly angers/upsets me. 

Just not sure what to think.  As willing as I originally was to maintain LC after the divorce, I don't think I can anymore.  To watch her destroy herself is too much for me.  I can't be there to see her do it.  Too much effort and potential are being wasted.

OK.  (deep breath).  I'm done venting now.  Just had to get that off my chest.

[ADecadeLost]

Six-months ago, when my dPBPD ex announced her intention to file for divorce, she was strong and resolute in her decision.  Obviously pained, but seemed resolute in her decision.  As time passed there were momentary blips where she seemed to lose her resolve (ie. when I came to terms with her decision), but overall she maintained her composure. 

The last few weeks though, as we approach her return to finalize the divorce, I have had to watch (or more literally hear about) her rapid decline.  The finality of her decision is quickly becoming reality for her, and she is allowing it to destroy her.  She has lost her job, given up on her career path completely (when weeks ago she was discussing her intent to go back to grad school), and as of yesterday quit DBT (after two years).

And while I know none of this is my problem any longer, it still pains me deeply.  I invested so much of myself into her for a decade and watched her invest so much in trying to improve herself that the idea of her succumbing to self-destructive behavior truly angers/upsets me. 

Just not sure what to think.  As willing as I originally was to maintain LC after the divorce, I don't think I can anymore.  To watch her destroy herself is too much for me.  I can't be there to see her do it.  Too much effort and potential are being wasted.

OK.  (deep breath).  I'm done venting now.  Just had to get that off my chest.

[ghoststory]

sorry to hear what you have gone through ,,my situation is not nearly as stressful but it to see mine starting to crack after 4 months of mostly lc and the last two mostly nc though we sometimes are in the same room for our work but I ignore her presence ,,I honestly believe they keep up their composure mostly icy believing we half to plea for their attention eventually but as time goes by and they realize we are putting them behind us they crack for the abandonment issues start to arise ,in your case though hard I believe you have made the right decision. it's not your concern and to acknowledge it would be giving her attention and a chance to try to suck you back in ... .stay strong my friend happiness is ahead of you now

[ADecadeLost]

Thanks for the reply Ghoststory.  You are right correct in your assumption that her abandonment issues are at the heart of her breaking.  Prior to the rapid decline, she acknowledged that in her mind filing for divorce wasn't about divorce, it was about her attempting to force me to move out of the country with her (something I had been working on prior to her making this decision).  Once she realized, that I had come to terms with our situation and was ready to follow through with the divorce, she began to break.  I just hate to see it happen.  All the years of effort put in by both of us thrown away.

I won't let it derail me, but still sucks to see it happen.  Regardless of our past, I wish her no ill will and want her to continue to improve and succeed.

[downwhim]

What she does now is so out of your control. It is sad and you will have to stand back as you see her unravel. Sometimes we all have to hit bottom before we can stand tall again. Maybe she will do that or maybe she will stay at the bottom. Detaching is part of divorce.

I know for at least a year after we divorced my ex husband tried to control me. He would boss me around and tell me to do this or that. I just ignored it.

Hopefully, this will be temporary.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

What she does now is so out of your control. It is sad and you will have to stand back as you see her unravel. Sometimes we all have to hit bottom before we can stand tall again. Maybe she will do that or maybe she will stay at the bottom. Detaching is part of divorce.

I know for at least a year after we divorced my ex husband tried to control me. He would boss me around and tell me to do this or that. I just ignored it.

Hopefully, this will be temporary.

Downwhim is spot on.

ADecadeLost,

I know how hard it is to watch some on you care about fall apart.  My pwBPD fell apart as she left me and continued on a rocky path for the next 7 months.  The silver lining is that after all this I think she finally realized that her coping mechanisms were ineffective.  Last week she went into therapy.  People have to find their own way.  It hurts to watch someone fall but even if they are still close it is impossible to help a person who will not help their self.  All I could do for my pwBPD is be a silent observer.  I knew that my advice or nudging would likely have only pushed her farther from that path.  Someone on these boards said something about how tough a pwBPD is.  They have made it this far, they are resilient even if it is terrifying to watch.

[mitatsu]

Be strong live long know that the 'script' will always play out and your near the end credits so finish the last of the popcorn and leave the dark cinema and emerge into the daylight

[ADecadeLost]

Thank you for the replies.  Hopefully this is her rock bottom, and she'll be able to claw her way back up once all of this is behind both of us.  She had put in an astounding amount of work on herself the past two years (our divorce was more a result of her feeling herself change as she went through DBT than a normal BPD dysregulation), so it's just tough to see her throw so much away.

She actually spoke to me last night on skype (first time in a long time) and was surprisingly calm.  Turns out the reason is she has begun seeing a new psychiatrist that immediately placed her on mood stabilizers.  Hopefully, this helps her pull herself back together.

As it stands, she's requested to delay her return trip to finalize the divorce by two weeks (last Monday in March instead of this Monday), but I'm okay with that at this point.  Her being relatively calm and in control of herself will help to ensure things go as smoothly as is possible considering the situation. 

[sixthsense]

It's difficult to watch them suffer even though they put us through hell. My ex and I still work for the same company, but rarely see each other. We've been broken up for seven months, but I've attempted to reach out on occasion via text to stay connected and also left small tokens of affection on her desk with no response yet she continues to cyberstalk me. I'm getting stronger every day. And while I would try and attempt to connect every couple of weeks, it's now been a month and I can tell it's getting to her.

She intentionally schedules a weekly meeting right across from my office. I used to try and make eye contact, but now I don't. I don't acknowledge her presence. This Wednesday, I had an appointment and left the office right after her meeting started. The conference room is a fishbowl so I could feel her eyes follow me as I left three hours earlier for the day.

Ironically, she called in sick Thursday and Friday. She's cycling through the abandonment stuff as I had to cycle through her silent treatment and quiet internal rages for over a year.

I shouldn't care, but I worry about her... .So I can relate to being torn. I'm just learning to put that energy into healing myself.

Good luck on your freedom ride my friend.

Sixthsense

[Tibbles]

It is hard watching them fall apart.

I'm just starting the whole divorce process and it has just hit my ex that I really mean it and am going to follow through. He is a mess. Bombarding me with abusive texts and messages that rang from some one barely able to function to lots of threats. I hope once it is all finalised and I can go NC  again he will regain his strength and be able to make a life for himself. I will most likely never know as once it is done I will be NC , he is too ill with the BPD for me to maintain any friendship. I don't wish him any ill will, I just wish a good calm and peaceful life for myself. Such a terribly sad way to end a 30 yr relationship.