BPD symptom worsening triggered by birth of baby son?

[onetruesentence]

A year into our first recycling,  I fell pregnant with our second child (now 1). I felt a shift in how my husband viewed me and he was not supportive at all during my pregnancy (unless an audience of course!)

After our son was born - a baby who I fell head over heels with - this got worse. I' m a very hands-on loving "earth-mother" type mama and I believe watching me parent our baby son triggered something deep inside him, something very painful. He said to me once, before he suddenly left, "Why can't you love me like you love the children?" (I said something smart-ass like, "because they're not asss" - not helpful, I know, but I didn't know about BPD at that point!)

Does anyone else believe this has been a trigger for their BPD?

Obvs this isn't all of the "causes" by FAR, it's just one I haven't found anyone else talking about.

[tjay933]

yes it can most certainly be a trigger. they are emotional children themselves (2-3yr old emotionally) and when the next baby comes along, the older sibling will usually respond with some form of jealousy over the lack of all-mom-all-the-time. same with the pwBPD-they can act that way too when they see their "replacement" and mommy isn't paying enough attention to #1 child anymore. mine actually wanted me to say and admit to him that he was more important than our son. wrong-imo-children's needs come first.

I believe watching me parent our baby son triggered something deep inside him, something very painful.

exactly. they usually have some unresolved issues that stem from their childhood-perhaps his mother didn't bond with him or he missed something that he sees you fulfilling in your child and his seeing you bonding is causing resentment for his own childhood experiences-he may not even realize this is what is happening or why he is really feeling/acting this way.

just my opinion

[Smileypants]

I also think having a child caused worsening of my husband's out bursts and over all moods.  He became very jealous of my attention being paid to the baby.  But he also became very critical of me as a parent.  Always telling me how I should do everything.  I have 3 other kids, I have some experience.  I feel I am very in tune with my children. Plus I am the type to read a lot about any subject, including parenting. Whereas he was just spowting out random things that fit his mood at the time.  It even went so far as he got jealous of me nursing the baby.  He would actually tell her that those (my breasts) were his!  I ignored him.

He didn't really have a mother that was present much of the time and when she was, she was abusive.

I consider him my oldest BABY and the hardest to take care of, because I don't get to make his rules.  I have to do damage control.

I would rather be single and have triplets.  I had twins, I would definitely rather have lots of real babies rather than one grown up a##hole one!

[Leaving]

My husband is the same way and had a very similar upbringing.  His mother is NPD and the only attention he ever got was negative- including corporeal punishment.  He is very self-absorbed ( diagnosed as NPD/BPD) and becomes quite resentful toward anyone in my life who gets my attention.  We didn't have children ( thank goodness) and that's a whole nother story but we did have dogs and he hated them despite being kind to them every so often.  My husband was also very passive-aggressive so he would unleash his jealousy in very destructive and harmful ways like ' accidentally' letting the dogs loose or by accidentally poisoning them.  Everything he did was an accident of course.  I could never prove malicious intent.  There were times when the truth would come out and he would make seriously ugly comments about my work, friends or our dogs.   

My husband was always jealous of his siblings and one of the strange things I noticed about him from the beginning was that he didn't know their birthdays and never called them or cared about them.  In 2008, his sister got cancer and he rushed to the hospital and got all sorts of attention but otherwise, he didn't really care about his sister.  He hadn't spoken to her in over ten years and had not a care in the world for her children.  He plays the part of being a concerned man only when it draws attention or sympathy from other people.  Otherwise, he's as cold and indifferent as ice. 

I don't mean to scare you but please be careful and be aware of your intuitive feelings.  If you feel that you or your baby is in any sort of danger, please find a way to leave or at least let someone know your concerns and have a safe place to go as a backup.  Your husband's anger and indifference toward you and your child is abnormal.

[Leaving]

yes it can most certainly be a trigger. they are emotional children themselves (2-3yr old emotionally) and when the next baby comes along, the older sibling will usually respond with some form of jealousy over the lack of all-mom-all-the-time. same with the pwBPD-they can act that way too when they see their "replacement" and mommy isn't paying enough attention to #1 child anymore. mine actually wanted me to say and admit to him that he was more important than our son. wrong-imo-children's needs come first.

I believe watching me parent our baby son triggered something deep inside him, something very painful.

exactly. they usually have some unresolved issues that stem from their childhood-perhaps his mother didn't bond with him or he missed something that he sees you fulfilling in your child and his seeing you bonding is causing resentment for his own childhood experiences-he may not even realize this is what is happening or why he is really feeling/acting this way.

just my opinion

TJ,

Your comments are on spot.  I completely agree with everything you wrote but I wanted to add that what I've come to realize is that my husband is truly incapable of affection in a genuine or unconditional way and because of this, anytime he's in a situation that warrants affection or sincere happy emotion, he feels like he's in a foreign country. This frustrates him, makes him uncomfortable and leads to his anger. He simply doesn't know how to express love or anything positive.  He's only good at faking or rather, mimicking emotions when there is some benefit for him in doing so.  But, the mimicking only adds to his repressed anger and eventually, he punishes me with some passive-aggressive behavior. It took me many years to figure out that the gentle kind man that I thought I married was an angry, jealous monster and that all his positive loving displays of affection were just fake or intended to manipulate me into doing something for him.   Had he been a father, he would have no doubt been neglectful, jealous and indifferent toward his children- just like his father was toward him.  

[BorisAcusio]

Borderlines can appear to function quite well. Their personas can be quite pleasant, attractive, manipulative, exploitative, and seductive. They can appear to be cocky, highly independent, and self-sufficient. They may function well in a relationship until a stressor-such as childbirth, money problems, or illness-triggers a regressive breakdown into a severely paranoid, sexual-acting-out depression.

www.primals.org/articles/hannig03.html

My ex started a serial "cheating binge" lasting 7 years after childbirth. She could clearly identify that event 10 years later as a trigger, from that point she perceived her husband as an untrustworthy withdrawing object.

[Leaving]

Borderlines can appear to function quite well. Their personas can be quite pleasant, attractive, manipulative, exploitative, and seductive. They can appear to be cocky, highly independent, and self-sufficient. They may function well in a relationship until a stressor-such as childbirth, money problems, or illness-triggers a regressive breakdown into a severely paranoid, sexual-acting-out depression.

www.primals.org/articles/hannig03.html

My ex started a serial "cheating binge" lasting 7 years after childbirth. She could clearly identify that event 10 years later as a trigger, from that point she perceived her husband as an untrustworthy withdrawing object.

Thanks Boris!  That's one of the best articles I've ever read on BPD. 

[Climbmountains91]

On gawd mine wasn't supportive til towards the birth. He went to the scans and stuff but i once fainted when i was pregnant in his bathroom he said i was lying cause i was on my side. We were getting ready to see his friend. So eventually called an ambulance as i was in a lot of pain and i went alone in the ambulance as he buggered off to KFC with his friend. They eventually came. Will not live it down he had to wait 5 hours with me till i got the all clear.

Then after she was born he told me he didn't want folks there cause he wanted alone time with our daughter but soon as were on the ward he buggers off after ten mins. After the birth of our daughter he changed big time, that was when he wasn't the man i knew anymore cause he cant cope with it all, he doesn't want me and a baby tying him down. I feel sorry for our daughter. I get upset at times about it.

[Tibbles]

Great post. I have wondered the same but never thought to post the question, so thank you.

Yes the birth of our kids did see the start of his illness. Any stress at work after the birth of our first child bought it out even more. I can remember during one of his rants as I was trying to follow what he was saying and his logic, asking if he loved our son. He was so offended but the things he was saying were so terrible.

I really like this information from BorisAcusio - thank you. "They may function well in a relationship until a stressor-such as childbirth, money problems, or illness-triggers a regressive breakdown into a severely paranoid, sexual-acting-out depression." I assumed the illness bought his BPD on so it was great to read that yes - illness can bring it on. It is just getting worse - triggered and not treated I didn't get to see the man I married at all towards the end of our marriage. It was like he had vanished and in his place was a needy child or a raving nut case.

[Smileypants]

Also when we were at the hospital with our daughter when she was born, she ended up with jaundice and had to have the light treatment for a couple days.  When that happened, his symptoms got worse.  He was angry, and seemed embarrassed by it.  He didn't want anyone to know that she had jaundice & I wasn't suppose to tell anyone and couldn't  have visitors anymore.  I was really confused by that.  Just like when they were removing the staples from my c section, they got caught on my skin hurting me, he started getting mad at me "Because they said it wouldn't hurt".