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[Our abuse recovery guide]

I just needed a place to emote, since the therapist I see on rare occasion is not available for a couple of weeks- but my feelings are raw now, not in a couple of weeks... . Yesterday I saw the 'freight train' coming down the tracks again after a several year absence. It threw me into shock and dug up feelings of rage and hurt I didn't even know were there anymore. I was doing a Skype chat and she was sounding rather removed and annoyed, and after a few exchanges I could feel my warning lights flashing  - DANGER AHEAD.  I could tell by the tone of her writing that she was winding up to take a big dump on me, from totally out of the blue. These things used to happen with more regularity, but in the past 4 years things have been really calm, and any quibbles we've had, she's brought up pretty respectfully, with an aim to clarify any miscommunications or misunderstandings.  A big change in her work life has now set her back, I am guessing, because we all know stress=regression. I have done a LOT of therapuetic work over my 5 decades and so am fairly savvy about the whys and wherefores of this kind of behavior, and our family issues in general, and my own sensitivities and contributions.  But when I felt the rug getting pulled out from under me again, after such a long "nice" period, I did something I've never done: I struck back. Initially I was trying to explain my position, and she wasn't accepting that we actually had a conversation that she has forgotten. She was only interested in telling me how I had failed her. (I am more than willing to hear if I stepped on somebody's toes, and am immediately apologetic when I do. But this wasn't about that, as you know.)  So when I realized what was happening, after being apologetic anyway for anything I might have misheard, I decided (for once in my life) to be sarcastic. I said "thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt" and some other similar thing, with no acknowledgement from her about my side of things. Then I felt myself getting absolutely enraged. I thought, I WILL NOT LET HER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN and WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM ALL OF A SUDDEN?  This was for all the times I was left devastated, hanging onto this bag of ___. I wasn't about to be in that position again, after being lulled into a false sense of security and the false hope that she had aged out of this behavior. (She's mid forties, I am mid fifties). So I typed "Thanks for pissing me off. F*CK IT, BYE, don't talk to me."

Then of course, I was still left hanging onto my own bag of poop... .in the form of such intense feelings. I thought at my age, with all the work I've done, I was finished with this, but apparently not. Unfortunately this happened at a time I am feeling very vulnerable in my own life, with chronic health challenges and menopause, and somewhat of a midlife crisis.  The strength I thought I had to handle this was totally unavailable. So I feel guilty and sad and furious and also somewhat glad that I cut it off before giving her a chance to dump on me further.  This marks the end of a four year calm period,and now once again we will be cut off because that's what she does. Slash and burn,and I don't hear from her for months or even up to a year.  Maybe this time will be different, I don't know... .but experience says it won't, and I end up looking like the bad guy and holding this bag, and I lose what has been a really nice relationship for the last 4 years.   Yet again.

Thanks for listening... .

[DarkWoods]

I just needed a place to emote, since the therapist I see on rare occasion is not available for a couple of weeks- but my feelings are raw now, not in a couple of weeks... . Yesterday I saw the 'freight train' coming down the tracks again after a several year absence. It threw me into shock and dug up feelings of rage and hurt I didn't even know were there anymore. I was doing a Skype chat and she was sounding rather removed and annoyed, and after a few exchanges I could feel my warning lights flashing  - DANGER AHEAD.  I could tell by the tone of her writing that she was winding up to take a big dump on me, from totally out of the blue. These things used to happen with more regularity, but in the past 4 years things have been really calm, and any quibbles we've had, she's brought up pretty respectfully, with an aim to clarify any miscommunications or misunderstandings.  A big change in her work life has now set her back, I am guessing, because we all know stress=regression. I have done a LOT of therapuetic work over my 5 decades and so am fairly savvy about the whys and wherefores of this kind of behavior, and our family issues in general, and my own sensitivities and contributions.  But when I felt the rug getting pulled out from under me again, after such a long "nice" period, I did something I've never done: I struck back. Initially I was trying to explain my position, and she wasn't accepting that we actually had a conversation that she has forgotten. She was only interested in telling me how I had failed her. (I am more than willing to hear if I stepped on somebody's toes, and am immediately apologetic when I do. But this wasn't about that, as you know.)  So when I realized what was happening, after being apologetic anyway for anything I might have misheard, I decided (for once in my life) to be sarcastic. I said "thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt" and some other similar thing, with no acknowledgement from her about my side of things. Then I felt myself getting absolutely enraged. I thought, I WILL NOT LET HER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN and WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM ALL OF A SUDDEN?  This was for all the times I was left devastated, hanging onto this bag of ___. I wasn't about to be in that position again, after being lulled into a false sense of security and the false hope that she had aged out of this behavior. (She's mid forties, I am mid fifties). So I typed "Thanks for pissing me off. F*CK IT, BYE, don't talk to me."

Then of course, I was still left hanging onto my own bag of poop... .in the form of such intense feelings. I thought at my age, with all the work I've done, I was finished with this, but apparently not. Unfortunately this happened at a time I am feeling very vulnerable in my own life, with chronic health challenges and menopause, and somewhat of a midlife crisis.  The strength I thought I had to handle this was totally unavailable. So I feel guilty and sad and furious and also somewhat glad that I cut it off before giving her a chance to dump on me further.  This marks the end of a four year calm period,and now once again we will be cut off because that's what she does. Slash and burn,and I don't hear from her for months or even up to a year.  Maybe this time will be different, I don't know... .but experience says it won't, and I end up looking like the bad guy and holding this bag, and I lose what has been a really nice relationship for the last 4 years.   Yet again.

Thanks for listening... .

[Kwamina]

Hi Darkwoods

Welcome to bpdfamily

Am I correct in assuming this is about your sister? Dealing with a sibling with BPD can be quite challenging indeed. I have an undiagnosed BPD sister myself and can relate to your story. Has your sibling been officially diagnosed with BPD or perhaps another disorder? Has she ever received any kind of treatment or therapy for her issues?

Then of course, I was still left hanging onto my own bag of poop... .in the form of such intense feelings. I thought at my age, with all the work I've done, I was finished with this, but apparently not. Unfortunately this happened at a time I am feeling very vulnerable in my own life, with chronic health challenges and menopause, and somewhat of a midlife crisis.  The strength I thought I had to handle this was totally unavailable. So I feel guilty and sad and furious and also somewhat glad that I cut it off before giving her a chance to dump on me further.  This marks the end of a four year calm period,and now once again we will be cut off because that's what she does. Slash and burn,and I don't hear from her for months or even up to a year.  Maybe this time will be different, I don't know... .but experience says it won't, and I end up looking like the bad guy and holding this bag, and I lose what has been a really nice relationship for the last 4 years.   Yet again.

I am sorry to hear that you had this bad experience with your sibling that has left you feeling this way. Since you were already feeling vulnerable due to certain other issues you're dealing with, it is important to be very mindful of how you are feeling and any potential extra stresses in your life. And also to treat yourself with compassion. Looking back on things, you perhaps could have handled this situation differently, but we all have moments that we 'lose it', especially when we are already feeling vulnerable as a result of other things that are going on as is the case with you now.

You mention seeing a therapist sometimes. How has that been for you? Do you feel like you've benefited from seeing a therapist?

[DarkWoods]

HI Kwamina, thanks... .yes, this is my sister. She has been in therapy occasionally but does not accept the label of BPD. In general, I do not like labels either; for people who are already self-hating these labels can make things worse.  But she was called "borderline borderline" by a former therapist, and resented it, and stopped seeing that person. (years ago). 

I haven't seen a therapist in a long time, have felt no need... .but in the past, it's been somewhat helpful to have someone to talk to. But it's usually about a range of things and not just this one topic. 

I'm feeling somewhat better today though it took a good 24 hours to come down from the shock and the very dark place I went. As I've thought about it today, I mind less that I lost it since it is so out of character for me... .it's probably a healthy thing that I did it, though I know that it will have its consequences. But I absolutely need some  wiggle room on expressing anger, since it's been bottled up most of my life and menopause is the only thing facilitating its release. If people can't give me the rare luxury of being irritable then the hell with them. :-)

[DarkWoods]

I wanted to add today - I struggled with apologizing for 'losing it' a bit during our Skype chat, but have always tried (too hard sometimes) to "do the right thing." Unfortunately, in the past I was always apologizing even for things I wasn't sure I did. But, reading up again on how it feels to be BPD, I wanted to take responsibility at least for getting upset with her.  But I didn't want to enable a discussion that could potentially get ugly.  So I just sent a simple email and only wrote in the subject line. It said "sorry I got upset :-(   " 

I wrote nothing in the body of the email, to cut off anything to dispute or respond to.  HOWEVER, because I am dealing with my own trauma, which is just resurfacing (not just the long history of this problem, but other family trauma), I realized I was literally terrified of hearing back from her. So I created filters in my email to permanently delete any replies so I couldn't see them.  I don't think I can handle seeing any replies, which are sure to be full of anger, which will then reactivate my trauma and upset.  I feel bad sticking my head in the sand but it seems essential to protect myself this way, while I feel so vulnerable and activated with current and past trauma. Does this make sense? I hope I am doing the right thing by apologizing and then stepping away. If she wants to get in touch with me there is always snail mail or via other family members.  But I am too frightened of her responses and have blocked some of the digital avenues she might use to strike out at me.

[Kwamina]

I wrote nothing in the body of the email, to cut off anything to dispute or respond to.  HOWEVER, because I am dealing with my own trauma, which is just resurfacing (not just the long history of this problem, but other family trauma), I realized I was literally terrified of hearing back from her. So I created filters in my email to permanently delete any replies so I couldn't see them.  I don't think I can handle seeing any replies, which are sure to be full of anger, which will then reactivate my trauma and upset.  I feel bad sticking my head in the sand but it seems essential to protect myself this way, while I feel so vulnerable and activated with current and past trauma. Does this make sense? I hope I am doing the right thing by apologizing and then stepping away. If she wants to get in touch with me there is always snail mail or via other family members.  But I am too frightened of her responses and have blocked some of the digital avenues she might use to strike out at me.

In my opinion there often really isn't a true right or wrong way to handle these things. BPD is a challenging disorder and dealing with BPD family-members can be very difficult indeed. We all do the best we can with the knowledge and skills we have at the time. Once we know better, we do better. We often got to learn through a process of trial and error though. Having said that, reading the materials on this site and the stories from other members, can help us minimize the 'errors' we make. Since you are already feeling vulnerable and given your past experiences with your sister, I understand why you had this strong emotional reaction. Perhaps taking the steps you've taken is the right course of action now. But even if it wouldn't be, putting your own well-being first now definitely is the best course of action. I hope you'll feel better soon as you try to deal with those other issues