What does it mean to be HSP (a highly sensitive person)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I scored 103 on the HSP test, and I'm an INFP.

It's always lovely to discover we're not so alone. *non-overstimulating group hug*

I thought you were an infp for a while now

I wasn't surprised to see that you were, as well.

Yes, I'm an INFP through and through... .my workplace is big on Myers-Briggs, so I've taken multiple versions of the test many times over the past decade, and my score never varies. I work with a lot of ESTJs, so I'm definitely challenged to address my own weaknesses and overcome communication barriers in my career. I can usually be found running into trees that I didn't see while looking at the forest.

An even stronger sense is the sense of smell, because it's older, and certain smells, ammonia, an auto shop, wood fires, transport me to long-ago places, but it's more subtle.  Stuff sticks around and makes an imprint

YES! smell definitely takes me back,

Smell is a big one for me, too. I have a strong sense of smell (which is a blessing and a curse), and my brain is like a pocketbook of scent memories.

[HappyNihilist]

I scored 103 on the HSP test, and I'm an INFP.

It's always lovely to discover we're not so alone. *non-overstimulating group hug*

I thought you were an infp for a while now

I wasn't surprised to see that you were, as well.

Yes, I'm an INFP through and through... .my workplace is big on Myers-Briggs, so I've taken multiple versions of the test many times over the past decade, and my score never varies. I work with a lot of ESTJs, so I'm definitely challenged to address my own weaknesses and overcome communication barriers in my career. I can usually be found running into trees that I didn't see while looking at the forest.

An even stronger sense is the sense of smell, because it's older, and certain smells, ammonia, an auto shop, wood fires, transport me to long-ago places, but it's more subtle.  Stuff sticks around and makes an imprint

YES! smell definitely takes me back,

Smell is a big one for me, too. I have a strong sense of smell (which is a blessing and a curse), and my brain is like a pocketbook of scent memories.

[Blimblam]

As a highly sensitive person and an "nf" mbti type I often find myself feeling for other people quite litterally often the parts of themself they are hiding from which is usually pain. It's like a gift and a curse.  I often find myself saying, "I feel for you."  Little does the person I say that to often know I mean it litterally!

I would find it facinating to find a paper on the relationship between empathy and projection and countertransference too I suppose.

But yeah happy nihilist my step mom is an estj and its like she has very limited empathy I'm not sure how much of that is just her or is common to all estj's. Which is one of my problems with the mbti because it's almost like she could read her type and then just justify away all the crap she pulls. It's like she's so stuck in this model she has of the world and that model is like her God essentially, it is the voice of her inner critic and she's so trapped in it she can be so cold and cruel at times. 

[ColdEthyl]

question for you guys,  anyone have what I call music memory? for example I love the 80's music but I cant really listen to it because it had some very deep emotions tied to that time and its painful to hear. I was 15 in 1987 and we had to move from my hometown that I grew up in and I left all my friends and my girlfriend at the time and it really effected me in a deep and negative way. so when I hear music from that time its like it was yesterday and emotions are tuff to deal with.

whats funny is that if life is going great it doesn't effect me as bad, I asked my ex if she ever felt that way and she looked at me like I had snakes coming out of my ears 

Yes, I do. I put a lot of emotional feelings into music. I'm a bit young for the 80s music, though I remember it but my high school music was the grunge era of the 90's. I can't really listen to Metallica anymore because it my ex-h and my stuff, our wedding song was "Nothing Else Matters". We were married 14 years before we divorced, and he died less than 2 years later from lung cancer. So, Metallica=him to me. I used to get angry if Metallica come on because I had so much frustration and anger at him.

[HappyNihilist]

As a highly sensitive person and an "nf" mbti type I often find myself feeling for other people quite litterally often the parts of themself they are hiding from which is usually pain. It's like a gift and a curse.  I often find myself saying, "I feel for you."  Little does the person I say that to often know I mean it litterally!

I feel for you.  

I'm notorious for things like crying when I see lost-pet posters, imagining the worry and sadness of the family who's missing their pet. When I was a child, I would fall into little depressions on family road trips whenever we'd pass abandoned buildings (esp small businesses, like country mom'n'pop stores) because of how sad it was that someone's livelihood was now just decaying. I would think of how happy and hopeful they must have been on the first day of business. I was 5, 6, 7 at the time.

One of my most distinct childhood memories is from around 5-6, when my mom and I were running around in the yard at dusk, catching fireflies. I watched her, laughing and acting like a kid, and suddenly it hit me that one day she would be dead, and everything she was would cease to exist. I ran inside the house crying. My poor mom had no idea what had happened or what was wrong with me. I remember that moment and that feeling as vividly as if it happened ten minutes ago. Again... .wtf, childhood brain of mine?

It's one of the reasons I tend towards an avoidant attachment style... .self-protection. It's not entirely healthy (obvs), and I'm working on building better ways to take care of myself, but I'm sure parts of that will always be with me. They've been around a loong time, after all.

[ColdEthyl]

@Happy I'm glad you brought that up. I cry at lost dog posters and such, also. There never was a Disney film I did not cry on. My D15 since she was little cries when people make fun of others and she has seen roadkill and cries. Poor thing. Looks like I passed on some junk

[Pingo]

One of my most distinct childhood memories is from around 5-6, when my mom and I were running around in the yard at dusk, catching fireflies. I watched her, laughing and acting like a kid, and suddenly it hit me that one day she would be dead, and everything she was would cease to exist. I ran inside the house crying. My poor mom had no idea what had happened or what was wrong with me. I remember that moment and that feeling as vividly as if it happened ten minutes ago. Again... .wtf, childhood brain of mine?

And of course because I'm so overly sensitive, I cried reading this!

I cry more for other's suffering than my own... .I think I have detached so much from my own emotions over the years, I always wondered if I cry over other people's stuff bc I need to let it out and it's the only way I will allow myself. 

On my 2nd date with my uBPDexh he was telling me a very tragic story about his ex-wife and I cried... .he knew he had me hooked!

@Happy I'm glad you brought that up. I cry at lost dog posters and such, also. There never was a Disney film I did not cry on. My D15 since she was little cries when people make fun of others and she has seen roadkill and cries. Poor thing. Looks like I passed on some junk

I have also passed this along to my two kids (dammit!)... .my S10 is so sensitive I don't dare watch the news or even a nature show where an animal might die. My D21 has detached herself from a lot of feelings, I think that's why she uses drugs... .it's her way of coping as they are overwhelming... .as a little girl she was as sensitive as my son.

[ColdEthyl]

One of my most distinct childhood memories is from around 5-6, when my mom and I were running around in the yard at dusk, catching fireflies. I watched her, laughing and acting like a kid, and suddenly it hit me that one day she would be dead, and everything she was would cease to exist. I ran inside the house crying. My poor mom had no idea what had happened or what was wrong with me. I remember that moment and that feeling as vividly as if it happened ten minutes ago. Again... .wtf, childhood brain of mine?

And of course because I'm so overly sensitive, I cried reading this!

I cry more for other's suffering than my own... .I think I have detached so much from my own emotions over the years, I always wondered if I cry over other people's stuff bc I need to let it out and it's the only way I will allow myself. 

On my 2nd date with my uBPDexh he was telling me a very tragic story about his ex-wife and I cried... .he knew he had me hooked!

@Happy I'm glad you brought that up. I cry at lost dog posters and such, also. There never was a Disney film I did not cry on. My D15 since she was little cries when people make fun of others and she has seen roadkill and cries. Poor thing. Looks like I passed on some junk

I have also passed this along to my two kids (dammit!)... .my S10 is so sensitive I don't dare watch the news or even a nature show where an animal might die. My D21 has detached herself from a lot of feelings, I think that's why she uses drugs... .it's her way of coping as they are overwhelming... .as a little girl she was as sensitive as my son.

*Nods* I've noticed her trying to 'save' her friends, too. Bullies don't bother her, but she gets really emotional if someone bullies her brother (He's 10 Asperger's) or her friends. I've been sharing what I learn about myself with her, hoping it will help. I talk to her about my mistakes and how much I understand her feelings but... .aye i just don't know. It might be lessons she needs to learn on her own  I've offered T, she is not interested. She's the kind of kid that refuses to ask for help because she doesn't want to bother someone. She wouldn't even tell a teacher she couldn't read his handwriting when trying to take notes because she didn't want to hurt his feelings.

[HappyNihilist]

@Happy I'm glad you brought that up. I cry at lost dog posters and such, also. There never was a Disney film I did not cry on. My D15 since she was little cries when people make fun of others and she has seen roadkill and cries. Poor thing. Looks like I passed on some junk

Awwwww!   Bless both of your sweet, warm hearts.

Having empathy is not at all junk, nor is being sensitive.  But I know what you mean. It's definitely a hard way to live at times. One of my friends has a highly sensitive, empathetic teenage daughter. She recently read this book, Why Smart Kids Worry by Allison Edwards, and said it was really good.

And of course because I'm so overly sensitive, I cried reading this!

Oh, sweetie!   

I cry more for other's suffering than my own... .I think I have detached so much from my own emotions over the years, I always wondered if I cry over other people's stuff bc I need to let it out and it's the only way I will allow myself. 

It's ok to cry for your own sad, lonely child. I know that's easier said than believed, trust me. But you deserve to feel your own feelings, grieve your own losses, acknowledge your own pain. 

[Panda39]

@Happy I'm glad you brought that up. I cry at lost dog posters and such, also. There never was a Disney film I did not cry on. My D15 since she was little cries when people make fun of others and she has seen roadkill and cries. Poor thing. Looks like I passed on some junk

Along with Disney films I would like to add hallmark card commercials 

[Pingo]

I cry more for other's suffering than my own... .I think I have detached so much from my own emotions over the years, I always wondered if I cry over other people's stuff bc I need to let it out and it's the only way I will allow myself. 

It's ok to cry for your own sad, lonely child. I know that's easier said than believed, trust me. But you deserve to feel your own feelings, grieve your own losses, acknowledge your own pain. 

Thanks HappyNihilist  , I'm learning to let it go... .This past year I have come to know my own pain and sadness in a way I've never been able to. Reading 'The Shame that Binds You' by John Bradshaw helped me to get in touch with this. It's a great book!

[Blimblam]

As a highly sensitive person and an "nf" mbti type I often find myself feeling for other people quite litterally often the parts of themself they are hiding from which is usually pain. It's like a gift and a curse.  I often find myself saying, "I feel for you."  Little does the person I say that to often know I mean it litterally!

I feel for you.  

I'm notorious for things like crying when I see lost-pet posters, imagining the worry and sadness of the family who's missing their pet. When I was a child, I would fall into little depressions on family road trips whenever we'd pass abandoned buildings (esp small businesses, like country mom'n'pop stores) because of how sad it was that someone's livelihood was now just decaying. I would think of how happy and hopeful they must have been on the first day of business. I was 5, 6, 7 at the time.

One of my most distinct childhood memories is from around 5-6, when my mom and I were running around in the yard at dusk, catching fireflies. I watched her, laughing and acting like a kid, and suddenly it hit me that one day she would be dead, and everything she was would cease to exist. I ran inside the house crying. My poor mom had no idea what had happened or what was wrong with me. I remember that moment and that feeling as vividly as if it happened ten minutes ago. Again... .wtf, childhood brain of mine?

It's one of the reasons I tend towards an avoidant attachment style... .self-protection. It's not entirely healthy (obvs), and I'm working on building better ways to take care of myself, but I'm sure parts of that will always be with me. They've been around a loong time, after all.

Yeah I know that feeling.  My imagination was very active as a child. That is projection though.  I think empathy and projection have a strange relationship.  For me it is like when I empathize i understand where that person is at in themself but then it is like what they are hiding from themself starts to like trigger that part in myself.  So it's like hard to distinguish because I'm encountering my own shadow material and like the missing parts of what the other is feeling to complete the whole.  Then I like cycle through all those emotions that make up the missing or potentially hidden parts of that other persons reality. 

The hard part of all that is it is like I exist almost outside the parameter of that persons reality so it can feel lonely or more like I see them but they don't see me. It also kind of takes a toll on me to do that for people. 

[Pingo]

It's one of the reasons I tend towards an avoidant attachment style... .self-protection. It's not entirely healthy (obvs), and I'm working on building better ways to take care of myself, but I'm sure parts of that will always be with me. They've been around a loong time, after all.

HappyNihilist, can you elaborate on this?  It has struck a chord with me... .just trying to sort it out. 

[HappyNihilist]

My imagination was very active as a child. That is projection though.  

That's a good point.

And it's one reason I love abandoned buildings and such now - it allows me to build my own stories and emotions on a fairly blank canvas. I'm a writer, and I suppose I've always seen the world in a "writerly" way, full of stories to either uncover or build myself.

I do try to recognize when I'm doing this with people, so I can back off and really understand what they're saying and feeling, instead of what my imagination might be filling in. Of course I'm not always successful.

I think empathy and projection have a strange relationship.  For me it is like when I empathize i understand where that person is at in themself but then it is like what they are hiding from themself starts to like trigger that part in myself.  So it's like hard to distinguish because I'm encountering my own shadow material and like the missing parts of what the other is feeling to complete the whole.  Then I like cycle through all those emotions that make up the missing or potentially hidden parts of that other persons reality.  

The hard part of all that is it is like I exist almost outside the parameter of that persons reality so it can feel lonely or more like I see them but they don't see me. It also kind of takes a toll on me to do that for people. 

This speaks a lot to me.

It's one of the reasons I tend towards an avoidant attachment style... .self-protection. It's not entirely healthy (obvs), and I'm working on building better ways to take care of myself, but I'm sure parts of that will always be with me. They've been around a loong time, after all.

HappyNihilist, can you elaborate on this?  It has struck a chord with me... .just trying to sort it out. 

I know that avoidant attachment is often described as dismissive, a person who doesn't feel the need for close emotional relationships. I'm not necessarily that way. It's more like - I know how much I tend to "take on" of others. Highly sensitive, INFP, empathetic, FOO issues related to caretaking, naturally thin boundaries (Ernest Hartmann's book Boundaries in the Mind was very helpful for me)... .I'm not quite a borderline walking around emotionally raw all the time, but I know that my conditioned inclination is to take on great amounts of feeling and pain.

So, to keep from taking that on, I can tend towards avoidance. While it's not my primary attachment style - I'm (barely, heh) mostly secure, with anxious a close second - it definitely makes its presence known. If I don't get too close, I don't take on so much.

I know it's definitely possible to have all of those traits (and a variety of others) and protect oneself in healthy ways, and have a fulfilling existence. And I've seen firsthand how ineffective those flawed defense mechanisms are, and how important it is not to avoid pain at all costs.

How did this strike a chord with you, Pingo? What questions are you trying to sort out for yourself? 

[Pingo]

How did this strike a chord with you, Pingo? What questions are you trying to sort out for yourself? 

Well, I was just discussing with my good friend about how I choose men who aren't real 'partners'... .they all seem to be lousy with money, shirk responsibility for the relationship and just don't give of themselves freely. I've read a lot of books about attachment theory and I still don't know if I'd peg them all 'avoidant' but I guess in some ways they are. I wonder why I choose these men... .is it so I can feel more worthy as I'm in a one-up position... .the codependent part of me coming out, making myself feel better by being able to give more and do better than them, thus controlling the r/s? Or is it a matter of I just don't feel good enough for anything else?  Maybe a true partner is too big a risk, too much to lose when they reject me? ... .These are the things I am pondering. 

[ColdEthyl]

@Happy I'm glad you brought that up. I cry at lost dog posters and such, also. There never was a Disney film I did not cry on. My D15 since she was little cries when people make fun of others and she has seen roadkill and cries. Poor thing. Looks like I passed on some junk

Along with Disney films I would like to add hallmark card commercials 

Panda, don't get me started on soldiers coming home and dog videos!