My triggers post BPD relationship

[Rifka]

As most of you know I have been out of this relationship for seven months now if you read my posts.


I'm in a new relationship with a guy who also had a Bpd relationship. Tomorrow will be seven weeks that we are dating officially one month that were boyfriend and girlfriend.

My ex BPD had issues with jealousy and controlling which can be typical for somebody with BPD.

My new guy has brought me to the point where I feel the same kind of anxiety when I feel he's questioning me or trying to control me or asking about my past in details which I don't think it's really necessary information to go forward in our relationship. I don't care about his sexual details with his past women, but he seems very interested in mine. This backfired terribly with my exBPD and he used everything he knew about me to torture me and accuse me of infidelity which never happened. When my ex got into his head that another man desired me, it could be a friend, a stranger, somebody who hugged me, somebody who just would say hello, even if another man looked at me, it was a horrible scene, rant, fits, and him speaking so mean to me because his mind must have made these other people threats. It was a horrible time for us and what eventually gave me the power to leave it behind me.

Now I have this new man, we are together almost daily. Yesterday he told me that he loves me and is sure that I feel the same, but am afraid to say it. Trust me I'm not in love! I like him a lot and enjoy this relationship. I am not afraid to tell somebody that I love them when I feel it, but 7 weeks is way too early to feel love for me. I feel scared and very scarred and I'm not sure that I would be able to give my heart anytime soon to anybody.

I have kept strong boundries and I know he is a good guy. I totally believe that he only wants to please me. We have such a wonderful time together. We discuss in detail how I feel when I feel triggered by his insecurites and he owns those insecurities. He apologizes for triggering me. I know I am extremely sensitive about control or jealousy because I know that no good will come from it.

We are going away together for this weekend and leaving today. I don't know if bringing him into my groups has been a trigger for him or if I just trigger him which in effect triggers me.

We have been taking a lot about this because it's happened a few times this past week. How do we get past this? Is it something to not get past? It makes me feel like running but I stop myself and have to remind myself that he is not my exBPD and that maybe he is not going to use these things to torture me. I know he is good and compassionate. I feel like this weekend will make or break us. We do discuss everything.

So do the after effects of BPD ever end? I feel terrible to put this guy through all of this stuff. I also don't want to deal with it myself. Is it going to be like this with any person we let intimately into our lives?

Last night he gave me a beautiful card for our 1 month official anniversary of being together. He cooked and started dinner for us and then I helped finish it up when I got to his home. We went out, had a great night with my group dancing to a band I wNted him to hear and see. He loved it. On the way home, he asked again if I have slept with anybody in my group or other groups. I have already told him I didn't sleep with people in my groups. Ideas? Suggestions? Is this normal?

I learned to run from my BPD when he started his craziness. This new guy isn't doing the craziness, but it makes me just as nervous as to what might be coming. I don't like feeling that way!

Aside from this one thing, we have so much similar, we converse beautifully, he is thoughtful, kind, empathetic, romantic and very into me.

Rifka

[Pingo]

Rifka,

Are you sure you are being 'triggered' for no reason other than your past with your pwBPD? Are you sure this isn't your gut saying 'this is making me uncomfortable' or 'I'm sensing something I don't want to see' or 'this is moving too fast/intensely'?

It isn't his business what your past is and who you've slept with. It's your past. You aren't obligated to share that with him or anyone. IMO it is inappropriate for him to ask you.

Trust your gut Rifka. Which is hard to do when you like someone so much. A good reason to maybe step back for a moment. Hard to be objective when you guys spend so much time together. This is a chance for you to establish those boundaries that are so important in the beginning of a r/s and practise all the skills you've learned.  You are a strong person Rifka, I admire your courage for always pushing yourself forward. You can do this!

[Copperfox]

If we take nothing else away from our BPD relationships, it's the valuable lessons we learn about life and love.  Eyes wide open.

As Pingo pointed out, if there is something in your gut that doesn't feel right, if something feels strange or unnerving, then listen to it.  If things feel "off", then they probably are.

No need to make any snap judgments here, but hold your boundaries.  The other person will either respect them, or they won't.  Let them tell you who they are.  Listen closely.

[Grey Kitty]

Rifka, I'm seeing a lot of red flags in your new relationship. If I recall correctly, it developed very fast... .probably faster than a healthy relationship would normally.

Note--Just because there are red flags and problems doesn't mean he has BPD. It also doesn't mean that they can be overcome and this can be a fully healthy relationship.

My new guy has brought me to the point where I feel the same kind of anxiety when I feel he's questioning me or trying to control me or asking about my past in details which I don't think it's really necessary information to go forward in our relationship. I don't care about his sexual details with his past women, but he seems very interested in mine.

If he is doing things that make you feel anxious, that is a bad sign. Sometimes emotional growth feels uncomfortable or even anxious, but this doesn't sound like that sort to me. It sounds like your gut saying something is wrong... .and if he won't let this go, it is something wrong.

Yesterday he told me that he loves me and is sure that I feel the same, but am afraid to say it. Trust me I'm not in love!

Whoa boy! Telling you that he knows how you feel. NOT a sign of good emotional health. Especially when he's wrong!

On the way home, he asked again if I have slept with anybody in my group or other groups. I have already told him I didn't sleep with people in my groups.

He's bringing this up again... .and not trusting what you told him before. Uh-Oh.

Now I have this new man, we are together almost daily.  I like him a lot and enjoy this relationship. I am not afraid to tell somebody that I love them when I feel it, but 7 weeks is way too early to feel love for me. I feel scared and very scarred and I'm not sure that I would be able to give my heart anytime soon to anybody.

Both these things seem like bad signs for a healthy relationship--that you see him daily so soon, and that you feel scared.

I have kept strong boundries and I know he is a good guy. I totally believe that he only wants to please me. We have such a wonderful time together. We discuss in detail how I feel when I feel triggered by his insecurites and he owns those insecurities. He apologizes for triggering me. I know I am extremely sensitive about control or jealousy because I know that no good will come from it.

He apologizes for triggering you... .but he can't seem to stop doing it. This doesn't bode well.

We have been taking a lot about this because it's happened a few times this past week. How do we get past this? Is it something to not get past? It makes me feel like running but I stop myself and have to remind myself that he is not my exBPD and that maybe he is not going to use these things to torture me. I know he is good and compassionate. I feel like this weekend will make or break us. We do discuss everything.

Honestly, that you discuss everything with him seems a little iffy this early in the relationship. Especially since you aren't in love, and you don't even trust him enough to tell him more about your sexual history. Sounds like jumping in too far, too early.

So do the after effects of BPD ever end? I feel terrible to put this guy through all of this stuff. I also don't want to deal with it myself. Is it going to be like this with any person we let intimately into our lives?

If you have issues from your BPD r/s (or perhaps predating that r/s and continuing into it), and you haven't resolved them... .I'd expect them to show up in all your future intimate relationships until you do address them.

[jhkbuzz]

As most of you know I have been out of this relationship for seven months now if you read my posts.


I'm in a new relationship with a guy who also had a Bpd relationship. Tomorrow will be seven weeks that we are dating officially one month that were boyfriend and girlfriend.

My ex BPD had issues with jealousy and controlling which can be typical for somebody with BPD.

My new guy has brought me to the point where I feel the same kind of anxiety when I feel he's questioning me or trying to control me or asking about my past in details which I don't think it's really necessary information to go forward in our relationship. I don't care about his sexual details with his past women, but he seems very interested in mine. This backfired terribly with my exBPD and he used everything he knew about me to torture me and accuse me of infidelity which never happened. When my ex got into his head that another man desired me, it could be a friend, a stranger, somebody who hugged me, somebody who just would say hello, even if another man looked at me, it was a horrible scene, rant, fits, and him speaking so mean to me because his mind must have made these other people threats. It was a horrible time for us and what eventually gave me the power to leave it behind me.

Now I have this new man, we are together almost daily. Yesterday he told me that he loves me and is sure that I feel the same, but am afraid to say it. Trust me I'm not in love! I like him a lot and enjoy this relationship. I am not afraid to tell somebody that I love them when I feel it, but 7 weeks is way too early to feel love for me. I feel scared and very scarred and I'm not sure that I would be able to give my heart anytime soon to anybody.

I have kept strong boundries and I know he is a good guy. I totally believe that he only wants to please me. We have such a wonderful time together. We discuss in detail how I feel when I feel triggered by his insecurites and he owns those insecurities. He apologizes for triggering me. I know I am extremely sensitive about control or jealousy because I know that no good will come from it.

We are going away together for this weekend and leaving today. I don't know if bringing him into my groups has been a trigger for him or if I just trigger him which in effect triggers me.

We have been taking a lot about this because it's happened a few times this past week. How do we get past this? Is it something to not get past? It makes me feel like running but I stop myself and have to remind myself that he is not my exBPD and that maybe he is not going to use these things to torture me. I know he is good and compassionate. I feel like this weekend will make or break us. We do discuss everything.

So do the after effects of BPD ever end? I feel terrible to put this guy through all of this stuff. I also don't want to deal with it myself. Is it going to be like this with any person we let intimately into our lives?

Last night he gave me a beautiful card for our 1 month official anniversary of being together. He cooked and started dinner for us and then I helped finish it up when I got to his home. We went out, had a great night with my group dancing to a band I wNted him to hear and see. He loved it. On the way home, he asked again if I have slept with anybody in my group or other groups. I have already told him I didn't sleep with people in my groups. Ideas? Suggestions? Is this normal?

I learned to run from my BPD when he started his craziness. This new guy isn't doing the craziness, but it makes me just as nervous as to what might be coming. I don't like feeling that way!

Aside from this one thing, we have so much similar, we converse beautifully, he is thoughtful, kind, empathetic, romantic and very into me.

Rifka

I've followed your story, Rifka - just a couple of things:

1.  1 month for someone to tell you that they love you is very fast.

2.  Saying that he's sure you feel the same is an overreach, and also unusual.

3.  It sounds like your struggling with your boundaries. Consider drawing a hard line about your boundaries - tell him the plain truth:  it is much too soon for me to tell you that I love you, and your questions about my sexual past are making me uncomfortable. See how he reacts; it will be very telling.

I understand the confusion about whether you are being triggered because of your ex.  I started dating someone about 3 months post b/u. We were out at dinner one night and when I looked across the table at him he was looking down at his lap.  My IMMEDIATE thought was "He's probably texting some other woman." (My expBPD cheated on me repeatedly.) Turns out that he was putting his gum in his napkin. So I get it!    I ultimately decided that that kind of triggered response (from me) meant that I was trying to date too soon.  I was honest with him and he was very gracious - I still see him out and about sometimes and we're on friendly terms.

Only you can decide if you're ready for all this.  One other thing to keep in mind: if his ex really had BPD, then it's possible that HE is feeling triggered as well.

It sounds like more communication is needed.

[jhkbuzz]

I lied - one MORE thing.

I believe I've been involved with two pwBPD.

Early in my last r/s, I suddenly began to see parallels to my first r/s with a pwBPD.  I couldn't put it into words; it was just this unsettling feeling that led me to spend a full 48 hours in panic mode, thinking about the similarities between the two of them.  I calmed myself down by reminding myself that I could end this "new" r/s at any time since I wasn't in love and I wasn't that invested. I also calmed myself down by thinking about the fact that, on the surface, they came across as two very different people.

After a few days I ultimately decided that I was being silly - that because I was hurt in the first r/s that I was "carrying it over" into the second.

I forged ahead.

And I was wrong.  There were parallels - I now believe that they were both BPD. I knew it on a gut level - and I ignored it.

[Rifka]

Rifka,

Are you sure you are being 'triggered' for no reason other than your past with your pwBPD? Are you sure this isn't your gut saying 'this is making me uncomfortable' or 'I'm sensing something I don't want to see' or 'this is moving too fast/intensely'?

It isn't his business what your past is and who you've slept with. It's your past. You aren't obligated to share that with him or anyone. IMO it is inappropriate for him to ask you.

Trust your gut Rifka. Which is hard to do when you like someone so much. A good reason to maybe step back for a moment. Hard to be objective when you guys spend so much time together. This is a chance for you to establish those boundaries that are so important in the beginning of a r/s and practise all the skills you've learned.  You are a strong person Rifka, I admire your courage for always pushing yourself forward. You can do this!

Thank you Pingo! Yes your questions, I have asked myself prior to your post.

My instinct says he is a good guy. I'm not sure if we are right for each other or not. I have really been taking baby steps as far as investing myself emotionally. I really enjoy him. We talked about boundaries intensely this weekend and I want to believe that he gets it, only time will tell.

He has terrible boundaries of his own. He will work on his! He told me that he has never dealt with all of these emotions that he has tucked away dealing with BPD. It's been a really emotionally raw weekend in a good way. I can't imagine dealing with the everything I feel since experiencing BPD without all of the help and guidance that I receive here. He didn't even know what it was, he just knew after being in hell for 8 years that he had to escape. Time will tell.

As far as the past sexual experience he is so interested in my circle of friends, he said that he had no right to ask. He said he won't again and it's possibly his own insecurities when all of these men in my circles are available and are so happy to see me. I think even a very secure person might have insecurities when placed in my circles. It's not an excuse by any means and should be dealt with on his own.

It been a nice weekend. I do feel my feathers have been ruffled in the past week and my ptsd has been kicked up to high alert as well as my instincts and boundaries.

I don't feel I should run from him. We talked, he listened, I listened for many many hours.  We will see what actions come from our discussions.

Rifka

[Rifka]

Rifka, I'm seeing a lot of red flags in your new relationship. If I recall correctly, it developed very fast... .probably faster than a healthy relationship would normally.

Note--Just because there are red flags and problems doesn't mean he has BPD. It also doesn't mean that they can be overcome and this can be a fully healthy relationship.

My new guy has brought me to the point where I feel the same kind of anxiety when I feel he's questioning me or trying to control me or asking about my past in details which I don't think it's really necessary information to go forward in our relationship. I don't care about his sexual details with his past women, but he seems very interested in mine.

If he is doing things that make you feel anxious, that is a bad sign. Sometimes emotional growth feels uncomfortable or even anxious, but this doesn't sound like that sort to me. It sounds like your gut saying something is wrong... .and if he won't let this go, it is something wrong.

Yesterday he told me that he loves me and is sure that I feel the same, but am afraid to say it. Trust me I'm not in love!

Whoa boy! Telling you that he knows how you feel. NOT a sign of good emotional health. Especially when he's wrong!

On the way home, he asked again if I have slept with anybody in my group or other groups. I have already told him I didn't sleep with people in my groups.

He's bringing this up again... .and not trusting what you told him before. Uh-Oh.

Now I have this new man, we are together almost daily.  I like him a lot and enjoy this relationship. I am not afraid to tell somebody that I love them when I feel it, but 7 weeks is way too early to feel love for me. I feel scared and very scarred and I'm not sure that I would be able to give my heart anytime soon to anybody.

Both these things seem like bad signs for a healthy relationship--that you see him daily so soon, and that you feel scared.

I have kept strong boundries and I know he is a good guy. I totally believe that he only wants to please me. We have such a wonderful time together. We discuss in detail how I feel when I feel triggered by his insecurites and he owns those insecurities. He apologizes for triggering me. I know I am extremely sensitive about control or jealousy because I know that no good will come from it.

He apologizes for triggering you... .but he can't seem to stop doing it. This doesn't bode well.

We have been taking a lot about this because it's happened a few times this past week. How do we get past this? Is it something to not get past? It makes me feel like running but I stop myself and have to remind myself that he is not my exBPD and that maybe he is not going to use these things to torture me. I know he is good and compassionate. I feel like this weekend will make or break us. We do discuss everything.

Honestly, that you discuss everything with him seems a little iffy this early in the relationship. Especially since you aren't in love, and you don't even trust him enough to tell him more about your sexual history. Sounds like jumping in too far, too early.

So do the after effects of BPD ever end? I feel terrible to put this guy through all of this stuff. I also don't want to deal with it myself. Is it going to be like this with any person we let intimately into our lives?

If you have issues from your BPD r/s (or perhaps predating that r/s and continuing into it), and you haven't resolved them... .I'd expect them to show up in all your future intimate relationships until you do address them.

Hi Grey Kitty. I have done so very much work on myself.i felt ready for a new relationship, as ready as I thought I could be. I have dated a few and seen the signs to discard or walk away. I have good boundaries. I do not discuss every detail of every move I've done with a person and never would with a partner because it's inappropriate at any time. What good can come from over sharing?

He promised to not go there again and understands it's inappropriate. As I started prior, only time will tell. I went over every question that you asked me with him. He hopefully gets it! He knows it's very important to show he gets it if he cares for me. I believe that he does and that even if it does not work out that we will stay friends because we really enjoy each other. I am focusing on the bad here to understand what's going on better. The fact is that it's been great and he is a kind person who is going through this same stuff but it's fresh for him. He is doing a lot of self accessing and we are both getting triggered while we work through the whys about ourselves. It's painful, but amazing. He has many issues with abandonment and infidelity with his childhood and marraige. I know this stuff carries forward, he'll we all know that or wouldn't be here. He understands that he alone needs to deal with it and that it is his own stuff. I'm not looking to rescue him at all. I also will never stand around to feel the effects of his healing if he is choosing to push it my way instead of dealing with himself. I have my own stuff, that is mine that I'm trying to understand.


I find it amazing that again I thought I was there, but now I see it's such a long process even when I believed it was coming to an end, it was just another chapter in the lesson book. Thankfully I am a starving student for knowledge and experience.

Rifka



I know there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, as we all know,  believing that with our Bpds proved otherwise.

[Rifka]

As most of you know I have been out of this relationship for seven months now if you read my posts.


I'm in a new relationship with a guy who also had a Bpd relationship. Tomorrow will be seven weeks that we are dating officially one month that were boyfriend and girlfriend.

My ex BPD had issues with jealousy and controlling which can be typical for somebody with BPD.

My new guy has brought me to the point where I feel the same kind of anxiety when I feel he's questioning me or trying to control me or asking about my past in details which I don't think it's really necessary information to go forward in our relationship. I don't care about his sexual details with his past women, but he seems very interested in mine. This backfired terribly with my exBPD and he used everything he knew about me to torture me and accuse me of infidelity which never happened. When my ex got into his head that another man desired me, it could be a friend, a stranger, somebody who hugged me, somebody who just would say hello, even if another man looked at me, it was a horrible scene, rant, fits, and him speaking so mean to me because his mind must have made these other people threats. It was a horrible time for us and what eventually gave me the power to leave it behind me.

Now I have this new man, we are together almost daily. Yesterday he told me that he loves me and is sure that I feel the same, but am afraid to say it. Trust me I'm not in love! I like him a lot and enjoy this relationship. I am not afraid to tell somebody that I love them when I feel it, but 7 weeks is way too early to feel love for me. I feel scared and very scarred and I'm not sure that I would be able to give my heart anytime soon to anybody.

I have kept strong boundries and I know he is a good guy. I totally believe that he only wants to please me. We have such a wonderful time together. We discuss in detail how I feel when I feel triggered by his insecurites and he owns those insecurities. He apologizes for triggering me. I know I am extremely sensitive about control or jealousy because I know that no good will come from it.

We are going away together for this weekend and leaving today. I don't know if bringing him into my groups has been a trigger for him or if I just trigger him which in effect triggers me.

We have been taking a lot about this because it's happened a few times this past week. How do we get past this? Is it something to not get past? It makes me feel like running but I stop myself and have to remind myself that he is not my exBPD and that maybe he is not going to use these things to torture me. I know he is good and compassionate. I feel like this weekend will make or break us. We do discuss everything.

So do the after effects of BPD ever end? I feel terrible to put this guy through all of this stuff. I also don't want to deal with it myself. Is it going to be like this with any person we let intimately into our lives?

Last night he gave me a beautiful card for our 1 month official anniversary of being together. He cooked and started dinner for us and then I helped finish it up when I got to his home. We went out, had a great night with my group dancing to a band I wNted him to hear and see. He loved it. On the way home, he asked again if I have slept with anybody in my group or other groups. I have already told him I didn't sleep with people in my groups. Ideas? Suggestions? Is this normal?

I learned to run from my BPD when he started his craziness. This new guy isn't doing the craziness, but it makes me just as nervous as to what might be coming. I don't like feeling that way!

Aside from this one thing, we have so much similar, we converse beautifully, he is thoughtful, kind, empathetic, romantic and very into me.

Rifka

I've followed your story, Rifka - just a couple of things:

1.  1 month for someone to tell you that they love you is very fast.

2.  Saying that he's sure you feel the same is an overreach, and also unusual.

3.  It sounds like your struggling with your boundaries. Consider drawing a hard line about your boundaries - tell him the plain truth:  it is much too soon for me to tell you that I love you, and your questions about my sexual past are making me uncomfortable. See how he reacts; it will be very telling.

I understand the confusion about whether you are being triggered because of your ex.  I started dating someone about 3 months post b/u. We were out at dinner one night and when I looked across the table at him he was looking down at his lap.  My IMMEDIATE thought was "He's probably texting some other woman." (My expBPD cheated on me repeatedly.) Turns out that he was putting his gum in his napkin. So I get it!    I ultimately decided that that kind of triggered response (from me) meant that I was trying to date too soon.  I was honest with him and he was very gracious - I still see him out and about sometimes and we're on friendly terms.

Only you can decide if you're ready for all this.  One other thing to keep in mind: if his ex really had BPD, then it's possible that HE is feeling triggered as well.

It sounds like more communication is needed.

Hi jhkbuzz,

Thank you for your posts!

We have talked this whole thread through! We went through everybodies thoughts, ideas and suggestions and will go forward healthier from it all.

Yes something's in life can really be so very challenging and I accept this whole idea of being in a healthy relationship appears to be at the top of the list.

We will work through it or not, but it will not be from a lack of pulling it all apart and completely exposing our raw selves to ourselves. It's our own stuff and we each will deal with what we can without it becoming overwhelming with so much, too soon. Baby steps! It's very intense! We feel like we do deep therapy sessions with each other and it's emotionally exhausting at times but sometimes beautifully eye opening.

7 really intense weeks, not BPD style! Intense in discussions, not intense in romance or sex. I really believe I enjoy our conversations more than anything else in our relationship. Intense philosophical conversations, discussions and great debates and Google searches to find proper answers.

I feel more peaceful today! It is not vital if this relationship becomes more than a learning experience. He really is a good guy, a bit insecure, but still a good heart!

Rifka

[Grey Kitty]

I wish you the best. It sounds like both of you are learning a lot in this relationship. 

There was a great quote from a MC somewhere along the lines of "Nothing but marriage can prepare you for marriage. Of course you will find the things you need to work on in your personal development that way."

I'd also like to pass along some wisdom about relationships that I recall from book "The Ethical Slut" which is about non-monogamy.

Relationships can come in many forms and shapes. There is a cultural assumption that all relationships look like this: "Couple meets, falls in love, gets married, moves in together into a house with a picket fence, has two beautiful children, and lives happily ever after together, never doing anything separate from each other."

There are many other possible models for a relationship, and if you are both in your 50s instead of 18~23, you are almost certain to break at least one of those patterns, if not all of them.

You describe this as a philosophical friendship, full of personal growth and learning... .perhaps more than a romantic/sexual relationship.

Perhaps even if the romantic part doesn't work for the two of you, this aspect will survive. Wouldn't that be an amazing turn of events? I say that as somebody who *IS* building a very powerful and amazing spiritual friendship with someone which has no romantic component to it at all.

That we get to chart our own courses into things like this is a beautiful thing!

[Rifka]

I wish you the best. It sounds like both of you are learning a lot in this relationship. 

There was a great quote from a MC somewhere along the lines of "Nothing but marriage can prepare you for marriage. Of course you will find the things you need to work on in your personal development that way."

I'd also like to pass along some wisdom about relationships that I recall from book "The Ethical Slut" which is about non-monogamy.

Relationships can come in many forms and shapes. There is a cultural assumption that all relationships look like this: "Couple meets, falls in love, gets married, moves in together into a house with a picket fence, has two beautiful children, and lives happily ever after together, never doing anything separate from each other."

There are many other possible models for a relationship, and if you are both in your 50s instead of 18~23, you are almost certain to break at least one of those patterns, if not all of them.

You describe this as a philosophical friendship, full of personal growth and learning... .perhaps more than a romantic/sexual relationship.

Perhaps even if the romantic part doesn't work for the two of you, this aspect will survive. Wouldn't that be an amazing turn of events? I say that as somebody who *IS* building a very powerful and amazing spiritual friendship with someone which has no romantic component to it at all.

That we get to chart our own courses into things like this is a beautiful thing!

Sorry I didn't mean for it to sound like there was no sex. I just meant our relationship is not based on the sex even though it is a very Important part of it from both of our viewpoints.

I would say it's a bit of everything, we do go on many dates and have romantic dinners and yes after date 16 we had sex, and we have a healthy intimate life, but our intense conversations would make the average person who has never experienced BPD head spin! They are deep and the major part of us being together. Yesterday we were at the pool in Atlantic city for about 5 hours, just relaxing, sitting together in the jacuzzi, on the lounge chair and so deep in literally 4 plus hours of talking that time past by what seemed like minutes and we had to leave for our dinner reservation.

Today we spoke for my whole 1 1/2 hour trip home from the resort while he was driving home from work. It's a good place. We talked through everything this weekend and like he said his actions will prove that he has heard and processed everything in a healthy manor, just as mine will.

We both agree at worst, we will just take the chance and see where this relationship goes. I believe we are building a good foundation, just sometime the cement is thickening too quickly and it needs to have a bit more attention focused on it.

Rifka

[jhkbuzz]

I wish you the best. It sounds like both of you are learning a lot in this relationship. 

There was a great quote from a MC somewhere along the lines of "Nothing but marriage can prepare you for marriage. Of course you will find the things you need to work on in your personal development that way."

I'd also like to pass along some wisdom about relationships that I recall from book "The Ethical Slut" which is about non-monogamy.

Relationships can come in many forms and shapes. There is a cultural assumption that all relationships look like this: "Couple meets, falls in love, gets married, moves in together into a house with a picket fence, has two beautiful children, and lives happily ever after together, never doing anything separate from each other."

There are many other possible models for a relationship, and if you are both in your 50s instead of 18~23, you are almost certain to break at least one of those patterns, if not all of them.

You describe this as a philosophical friendship, full of personal growth and learning... .perhaps more than a romantic/sexual relationship.

Perhaps even if the romantic part doesn't work for the two of you, this aspect will survive. Wouldn't that be an amazing turn of events? I say that as somebody who *IS* building a very powerful and amazing spiritual friendship with someone which has no romantic component to it at all.

That we get to chart our own courses into things like this is a beautiful thing!

Sorry I didn't mean for it to sound like there was no sex. I just meant our relationship is not based on the sex even though it is a very Important part of it from both of our viewpoints.

I would say it's a bit of everything, we do go on many dates and have romantic dinners and yes after date 16 we had sex, and we have a healthy intimate life, but our intense conversations would make the average person who has never experienced BPD head spin! They are deep and the major part of us being together. Yesterday we were at the pool in Atlantic city for about 5 hours, just relaxing, sitting together in the jacuzzi, on the lounge chair and so deep in literally 4 plus hours of talking that time past by what seemed like minutes and we had to leave for our dinner reservation.

Today we spoke for my whole 1 1/2 hour trip home from the resort while he was driving home from work. It's a good place. We talked through everything this weekend and like he said his actions will prove that he has heard and processed everything in a healthy manor, just as mine will.

We both agree at worst, we will just take the chance and see where this relationship goes. I believe we are building a good foundation, just sometime the cement is thickening too quickly and it needs to have a bit more attention focused on it.

Rifka

I still can't help thinking that this is an awful lot of intensity for less than two months in.

[Rifka]

I wish you the best. It sounds like both of you are learning a lot in this relationship. 

There was a great quote from a MC somewhere along the lines of "Nothing but marriage can prepare you for marriage. Of course you will find the things you need to work on in your personal development that way."

I'd also like to pass along some wisdom about relationships that I recall from book "The Ethical Slut" which is about non-monogamy.

Relationships can come in many forms and shapes. There is a cultural assumption that all relationships look like this: "Couple meets, falls in love, gets married, moves in together into a house with a picket fence, has two beautiful children, and lives happily ever after together, never doing anything separate from each other."

There are many other possible models for a relationship, and if you are both in your 50s instead of 18~23, you are almost certain to break at least one of those patterns, if not all of them.

You describe this as a philosophical friendship, full of personal growth and learning... .perhaps more than a romantic/sexual relationship.

Perhaps even if the romantic part doesn't work for the two of you, this aspect will survive. Wouldn't that be an amazing turn of events? I say that as somebody who *IS* building a very powerful and amazing spiritual friendship with someone which has no romantic component to it at all.

That we get to chart our own courses into things like this is a beautiful thing!

Sorry I didn't mean for it to sound like there was no sex. I just meant our relationship is not based on the sex even though it is a very Important part of it from both of our viewpoints.

I would say it's a bit of everything, we do go on many dates and have romantic dinners and yes after date 16 we had sex, and we have a healthy intimate life, but our intense conversations would make the average person who has never experienced BPD head spin! They are deep and the major part of us being together. Yesterday we were at the pool in Atlantic city for about 5 hours, just relaxing, sitting together in the jacuzzi, on the lounge chair and so deep in literally 4 plus hours of talking that time past by what seemed like minutes and we had to leave for our dinner reservation.

Today we spoke for my whole 1 1/2 hour trip home from the resort while he was driving home from work. It's a good place. We talked through everything this weekend and like he said his actions will prove that he has heard and processed everything in a healthy manor, just as mine will.

We both agree at worst, we will just take the chance and see where this relationship goes. I believe we are building a good foundation, just sometime the cement is thickening too quickly and it needs to have a bit more attention focused on it.

Rifka

I still can't help thinking that this is an awful lot of intensity for less than two months in.

Jhk,

Yes I agree, I have never had a boyfriend in my life who is so passionate in their conversations, thoughts, and ideas. He is very common sense smart and interesting. He has to be slowed down at times to understand and analyze his words and feelings. We often will play Devils advocate and ask many what if questions. Even about him saying I love you. I asked why does he think that he loves me? Why does he think that somebody he knows less than two months would deserve his love and heart as far as his feelings. It was another great conversation. He was confusing loving or caring about somebody with being in love with somebody. I know he will not tell me it again until he feels it in a different way or maybe he won't say it at all because he understands that time, trust, security within yourself and many different feelings might perhaps be needed to have true love. We also discussed why he feels the need to see me so often as an insecurity. We are learning so very much. We didn't spend time together today other than by phone and a minute or two when he left the hotel early this morning with me half asleep. It feels good to break through our fears and insecurities and both accept to slow it down a bit more when needed.

Rifka

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Rifka-

I see a lot of myself in this guy, and felt compelled to weigh in.  Controlling behavior, jealousies, prying about your possible sexual encounters with the other men in your life, demanding a lot of your time, oversharing with poor boundaries and hopes of reciprocation, all have insecurity at their core.  You seem to know that, and it's to be expected from someone who was in a long term relationship with a borderline, but as you mention, that's his to deal with.  And on some level you probably find it unattractive because it is not masculine.

I was in dire need of deep conversation once I left my ex, like someone starving to death, just wanting to talk and be fcking listened to for a change, which is to be expected after fleeing someone who was emotionally unavailable and abusive, but the right way to go into a relationship is to give, not to get, and coming from a place of need is fine, that's what friends are for, but that is not the basis for a healthy romantic relationship, expecially if the other person gets off on being needed, in which case the dynamic gets wacky.

Attraction is not a choice, and we can't make ourselves fall in love.  We can analyze a relationship intellectually and decide a person has a lot of great qualitites, and even a dearth of red flags, and that could be the basis for a great friendship, but it's not enough for the passion and polarity of a magical love story, an epic romance. 

When we come from a place of need we are living in scarcity, so it's natural to want to grab on and smother anyone who shows interest, push things too quickly, try and fabricate what may or may not happen organically.  Great love is love where both people feel free.  So I realize I've come out of an emotional wasteland that was my relationship with a borderline, and therefore my tendency to live in scarcity, so I'm been focusing on abundance, dating as many women as possible, exclusive with no one, but really into spending time which each and being honest with them all.  It works for me right now, experiencing that abundance, and it also completely removes my desire to capture and smother anyone.  Of course I like some women more than others, and if things develop such that an effortless love story develops with one, then that happened the way it was supposed to.  Great love is love where both people feel free.

That was mostly for me, but maybe you find some of it useful and applicable.  Take care of you!

[Rifka]

Hey Rifka-

I see a lot of myself in this guy, and felt compelled to weigh in.  Controlling behavior, jealousies, prying about your possible sexual encounters with the other men in your life, demanding a lot of your time, oversharing with poor boundaries and hopes of reciprocation, all have insecurity at their core.  You seem to know that, and it's to be expected from someone who was in a long term relationship with a borderline, but as you mention, that's his to deal with.  And on some level you probably find it unattractive because it is not masculine.

I was in dire need of deep conversation once I left my ex, like someone starving to death, just wanting to talk and be fcking listened to for a change, which is to be expected after fleeing someone who was emotionally unavailable and abusive, but the right way to go into a relationship is to give, not to get, and coming from a place of need is fine, that's what friends are for, but that is not the basis for a healthy romantic relationship, expecially if the other person gets off on being needed, in which case the dynamic gets wacky.

Attraction is not a choice, and we can't make ourselves fall in love.  We can analyze a relationship intellectually and decide a person has a lot of great qualitites, and even a dearth of red flags, and that could be the basis for a great friendship, but it's not enough for the passion and polarity of a magical love story, an epic romance. 

When we come from a place of need we are living in scarcity, so it's natural to want to grab on and smother anyone who shows interest, push things too quickly, try and fabricate what may or may not happen organically.  Great love is love where both people feel free.  So I realize I've come out of an emotional wasteland that was my relationship with a borderline, and therefore my tendency to live in scarcity, so I'm been focusing on abundance, dating as many women as possible, exclusive with no one, but really into spending time which each and being honest with them all.  It works for me right now, experiencing that abundance, and it also completely removes my desire to capture and smother anyone.  Of course I like some women more than others, and if things develop such that an effortless love story develops with one, then that happened the way it was supposed to.  Great love is love where both people feel free.

That was mostly for me, but maybe you find some of it useful and applicable.  Take care of you!

Thank you! Yes quite a bit of similarities. He has been in a few short relationships since of under 6 months but always told them he was not looking for anything serious as he told me the night that we met. It's quite funny that he changed his mind when I told him well it's good to know that because I was not looking for anything casual from any new man. I was looking for a real relationship. Seriously he was and is not my type whatsoever, but I loved how we danced and then went to breakfast and talked for hours, so I agreed to meet him the next day.

I'm thinking by the time he met me, he was no longer starving for that attention. He had ended a relationship about a year prior with a decent woman who was a non as well. They were together less than 6 months and he told me that he reminded her often that he didn't want anything serious. He has never mentioned not wanting to be in a real relationship since the first night. He also asked me if I would like to officially be his girlfriend on Valentine's day. I never swayed him one way or another, it was completely his asking!

His behavior as stated in your first paragraph is understandable, but not my problem and I'm not willing to work on it since it's his issues. He is working on it and understanding that I am not his ex and in time will understand that he can trust me by my actions as I will from his actions. We have at least learned that much from BPD.

I don't want to date anybody else and he said that he does not either. We like us! He just has to work on liking him better and learning to trust his gut, not his memories. Same for me! It's flashback city sometimes! I think we are doing great for all we have let ourselves go through!

I wish you great luck with all of your ladies, please be safe! Cover up, lots of diseases out here!


Rifka


Ps he is very much a masculine gentleman with good manners and a strong persona when he is not in trigger mode. We will get there. I really believe that He gets it and is working on appreciating my boundaries while working on making some of his own.

[fromheeltoheal]

We like us! He just has to work on liking him better and learning to trust his gut, not his memories. Same for me! It's flashback city sometimes! I think we are doing great for all we have let ourselves go through!

Very nice!  Good for you Rifka, it is challenging coming out of dysfunction and looking to create normal and healthy, and wondering when and if we've found it.  A whole lot easier when we have a teammate and partner to work through it with, I wish you guys the best.

[Rifka]

We like us! He just has to work on liking him better and learning to trust his gut, not his memories. Same for me! It's flashback city sometimes! I think we are doing great for all we have let ourselves go through!

Very nice!  Good for you Rifka, it is challenging coming out of dysfunction and looking to create normal and healthy, and wondering when and if we've found it.  A whole lot easier when we have a teammate and partner to work through it with, I wish you guys the best.

I'll toast to that! Cheers!

Rifka