I was supposed to commend her for being kind?

[new2pain]

Thank you .

I think what dissapointed me yesterday was that she seemed willing to make the appointment and then had a legitimate reason not to. I think I was dissapointed in the situation and not her because I know that by the time the appointment on friday she may flake out.  Maybe im getting radical acceptance wrong, but Ive been looking at radically accepting that there will be disappointing times, but in accepting that it was up to me on how I process that dissapointment.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[new2pain]

Yes, it was a good session. Its good for me to be able to talk to T and just be able to download, since other than Yall on here people just dont get it.

[ColdEthyl]

Thank you .

I think what dissapointed me yesterday was that she seemed willing to make the appointment and then had a legitimate reason not to. I think I was dissapointed in the situation and not her because I know that by the time the appointment on friday she may flake out.  Maybe im getting radical acceptance wrong, but Ive been looking at radically accepting that there will be disappointing times, but in accepting that it was up to me on how I process that dissapointment.

No, that's accurate. But if you are fluctuating between high hopes/disappointment, you are setting yourself up to be hurt. As humans when our expectations are not met, it causes disappointment and frustrations. You were disappointed at the circumstances, and that did suck. I'm just trying to help you understand at some point... .you have to stop waiting on edge for her. 

I'm glad your T went well! You are so right, too. most people cannot understand this type of situation. I am also very glad to have found this site and you fine people to help me as well

[new2pain]

Yes, I agree that without you and the others on here I would be much worse in my ability to deal with this... .THANK YOU.

Somedays its hard to realize that only 3 months ago we were  talking marriage... .and I had no clue there was such a thing as BPD

[ColdEthyl]

Yes, I agree that without you and the others on here I would be much worse in my ability to deal with this... .THANK YOU.

Somedays its hard to realize that only 3 months ago we were  talking marriage... .and I had no clue there was such a thing as BPD

I didn't either. When mine starts showing his BPD side, I was so confused. I started to look things up and at first I thought it was bi-polar. Later on when I realized that it didn't fit I found BPD and this site and I cried. I cried because it wasn't me... .I wasn't crazy. The things he does and says... .are all similar to people's experiences here. I wasn't alone.

[new2pain]

I just wish I had found this before it hit the fan.  When I first started reading others stories it was like that movie Truman and someone had cameras in my house and was writing about us. I did tell T yesterday that I had finally accepted that it wasnt me.  I had the book I hate you dont leave and when gf saw it she read about 2 pages and started crying uncontrollably saying how it described her... .That did give me some hope in her acceptance now I hope the action kicks in

[ColdEthyl]

I just wish I had found this before it hit the fan.  When I first started reading others stories it was like that movie Truman and someone had cameras in my house and was writing about us. I did tell T yesterday that I had finally accepted that it wasnt me.  I had the book I hate you dont leave and when gf saw it she read about 2 pages and started crying uncontrollably saying how it described her... .That did give me some hope in her acceptance now I hope the action kicks in

I wouldn't bet on it too much. When I first found out, I got the book "you don't have to walk on eggshells" and my H saw me reading it and cried, then he said things like "I'm sorry I'm so difficult you need a book to deal with me" and things like that. After I was on this site for a while, I learned not to bring it up to him or read it in front of him, as it will make him feel bad.

My H is self-aware and diagnosed. That in itself is not enough for him to seek T at this time. He goes through phases of being clear headed and aware, to total denial.

[new2pain]

With her its like her moods, at times she will bring up BPD and ask me if I have read any success stories, or say things like I wasnt feeling PD and was able to read and understand that letter you wrote me... Then she will say she knows she needs to do things differently and she goes to T, then that blank stare shows up and its all about how she cant do it, and she is not ready... .And I think thats when shame kicks in and she distances herself from what she knows she needs to do,.

[ColdEthyl]

With her its like her moods, at times she will bring up BPD and ask me if I have read any success stories, or say things like I wasnt feeling PD and was able to read and understand that letter you wrote me... Then she will say she knows she needs to do things differently and she goes to T, then that blank stare shows up and its all about how she cant do it, and she is not ready... .And I think thats when shame kicks in and she distances herself from what she knows she needs to do,.

Yep, that's exactly what happens. You can't help but feel sad for them. BPD to me seems like a horrible horrible cage in their minds.

[new2pain]

Had decent day yesterday, stayed busy at work, was in pretty good mood, then went to class last night and then got home about 1030 and the depression and thoughts hit like a baseball bat, couldnt help but thinking now I guess she is feeling shame, or cant process she enjoyed herself sunday, or was that just keeping hooks in. Painting picture everything was ok to her parents, by having me at there house... .

I dont want to be out of sight out of mind, dont want to push, but still struggling with how things can be good, no dysregulation and then dissapearing act.

[ColdEthyl]

*hugs* It's hard to tell sometimes. If you told her how you felt about being around her parents like everything was fine, how do you think it would have gone? Did you go along with it just to avoid a dysregulation?

[new2pain]

Whats weird is I had not even met her parents until about 2 weeks before she left, I think that was one of the final straws in her feeling 2 close, when we were there then her mom commented how she had never seen her eyes sparkle like they were. We had a discussion a couple of weeks ago, where I asked her if they even knew we werent together and she dysregulated.  I went along, because she overly cares about perception of family and I know they ask about me,,guess Im somehow hoping that maintaining that little relationship with parents will be helpful, and I really do like her dad, and think he genuinely likes me... .

[ColdEthyl]

I understand. I lied for my H too when we first got together. I kept his BS stories to his family going until I started doing the work on this site. I do not do that any longer. It feels a heck of a lot better for me to not have to lie. I hate lying... .about anything.

Going along with their lies in the long run makes it worse for them. It's enforcing bad behaviors, and then they will expect us to lie all the time for them.

[new2pain]

How is your relationship with them, do you think good relationship with them helps? It seems like if there is a good relationship it makes it harder for total abandonment, but again im sure im thinking rationally when I know she normally doesnt

[ColdEthyl]

How is your relationship with them, do you think good relationship with them helps? It seems like if there is a good relationship it makes it harder for total abandonment, but again im sure im thinking rationally when I know she normally doesnt

Yeah I think that's where you are getting hung up.

See, it doesn't matter to the pwBPD what IS, only what they FEEL or THINK it is. His parents in the 6 years I have been with him have NEVER given him a hard time for his behaviors. Not once. They don't bring it up. When he pops back up, everyone acts like nothing at all has happened. They have never told him they were hurt, or worried, or anything. All of the pressure HE puts on HIMSELF.

His r/s with his parents is his own making. I'm sure some of it carried over from childhood, but some of it comes from his own self-shaming. He promises something... .doesn't follow through, then feels guilty/shame and the cycle continues.

My relationship with them in the last few months has gotten better, mainly because no one else my H has been in a r/s up to this point either knew what his issues are, or didn't care to find out. I took it upon myself to talk to his mother about it so she would know. The way they treated my H with a kid glove told me they really didn't know what was going on, or what to do. His brothers and sisters still do not want to talk about it... .and that's fine. I let them know I am available if they have questions.

I don't expect this sort of thing is easy for everyone to accept or understand. I feel lucky that his mother understands to a certain point what's going on. But a good r/s with his parents helps me, and it helps him some... .not enough for him to be able to 'do what's right'. He still has BPD, after all.

[new2pain]

I wish I was in a position to discuss this with her dad.

I am positive that they do not have a clue what is going on with her, she is an expert at compartmentalizing her life, her and husband were seperated for over 6 months before her parents even knew they were having problems.  She has a seperate group of friends for different things, and does real good at keeping them apart.  She has a sister who is always at war with parents, and both sides use her to triangulate, its amazing the advice she is able to give them, and cant recognize how applicable what she is saying is to her own life and behaviours.

I think they see her as succesful and as sad as it is have no clue what turmoil her personal life is... .Because of the way they view her, she is totally ashamed to let them know about her problems.

[ColdEthyl]

I wish I was in a position to discuss this with her dad.

I am positive that they do not have a clue what is going on with her, she is an expert at compartmentalizing her life, her and husband were seperated for over 6 months before her parents even knew they were having problems.  She has a seperate group of friends for different things, and does real good at keeping them apart.  She has a sister who is always at war with parents, and both sides use her to triangulate, its amazing the advice she is able to give them, and cant recognize how applicable what she is saying is to her own life and behaviours.

I think they see her as succesful and as sad as it is have no clue what turmoil her personal life is... .Because of the way they view her, she is totally ashamed to let them know about her problems.

Yeah that's hard to sit back and watch. The way she handles herself doesn't leave you with much option. It's up to her... .and you know how far that goes. Tough situation, hun. /hug