Does my uBPDexgf "Ruminate" Like I do?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys. I've been doing some research into this term 'ruminating.'

I am definitely afflicted myself by this! I constantly go over what happened in the last part of my relationship with my ex, which ended in part with her telling me "I'm not suffering, Reece. I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

I understand that no one has a crystal ball, no one can tell me for certain if my ex also ruminates about what happened.

Just to provide a little more info: My ex definitely doesn't have a replacement. She's a lot more religious now, and I think that's what she's using to cope as opposed to a new BF.

Here's the question though, and I'm curious:


Is it common for people with BPD to ruminate about the past? Like I do?

[Reecer1588]

Hey guys. I've been doing some research into this term 'ruminating.'

I am definitely afflicted myself by this! I constantly go over what happened in the last part of my relationship with my ex, which ended in part with her telling me "I'm not suffering, Reece. I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

I understand that no one has a crystal ball, no one can tell me for certain if my ex also ruminates about what happened.

Just to provide a little more info: My ex definitely doesn't have a replacement. She's a lot more religious now, and I think that's what she's using to cope as opposed to a new BF.

Here's the question though, and I'm curious:


Is it common for people with BPD to ruminate about the past? Like I do?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hey guys. I've been doing some research into this term 'ruminating.'

I am definitely afflicted myself by this! I constantly go over what happened in the last part of my relationship with my ex, which ended in part with her telling me "I'm not suffering, Reece. I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

I understand that no one has a crystal ball, no one can tell me for certain if my ex also ruminates about what happened.

Just to provide a little more info: My ex definitely doesn't have a replacement. She's a lot more religious now, and I think that's what she's using to cope as opposed to a new BF.

Here's the question though, and I'm curious:


Is it common for people with BPD to ruminate about the past? Like I do?

My uBPDexgf said that she had "less stress" since she had ended our relationship last November in the only real communication we've had in the last 7 months. Her implication, of course, being that I was the stress. I guess if you are lying to your girlfriend and seeking a replacement all the while acting like everything between the two of you is fine, then yes, I can see how I made her feel stressed. But it clearly wasn't my actions, but hers that caused the stress. Additionally, a 2.5 year custody finally ended. It didn't go her way, but at least she wasn't piling up new legal bills. Money always stressed her out.

I've been wondering this same thing too Reece. My ex is 46 and we were together 10 yrs. We were a lesbian couple and out of nowhere she decides she wants to be with a man again (she was married for 10 yrs and she divorced him. I haven't chased her as I informed her 4 yrs ago that if she treated me the way she had then again I would not be getting back with her. She didn't treat me that bad this time. It was 100x worse. And I have been true to my word.

I have had monthly PRIVATE NUMBER hang up calls since last September and I am very sure it's her. I've come to believe she does it because she does miss me. And I believe that because we were too close for her not to miss that in her life. Lately I've been wondering if she has noticed that I haven't chased her and if she is glad about it, if she even wonders about it or even if it bothers her. Who knows?

But I think your exgf may have said what she said to get a jab in at you. I know that is why mine said what she said. And who knows, it may have been a jab because I blessed her out when we broke up rather than cried and begged her not to go. Still it is terribly hard not to chase her. She's the love of my life.

Personally, I don't know if they ruminate. I don't even do that because it is too painful. Literally once a memory of her and her kids and our times together comes into my head, it's like the valve just shuts off so that the picture doesn't get full. It's weird and I've never had that happen before. But unless her brain has just stopped, I am sure she at least thinks of you in some capacity.

[StarOfTheSea]

I think they do ruminate. Their minds are a like a black whirlpool of emotion so I'm sure we bubble up from time to time. The last time I spoke to my exBPDbf he told me that he prays for me every day and worries about me. I know that he carries a ton of guilt about things he's done in his life, so I'm certain that what he did to me still bothers him. I don't think they ruminate like we do, though: we think about the past and gain insight from it, whereas they might think about it but don't gain any insight, only to make the same mistakes over and over again.

[nowwhatz]

I believe mine has the ability to hit the erase button in her mind and not think about me until something trips the breaker and then all she can do is think about me.

My personal opinion is that it is easy for her to tune me out after a breakup because she is so attractive, is a female, and can easy get into bed with any number of good looking guys to try to make her feel good about herself.  Never ends up good for her but that what she do.

[sun seeker]

 I know my dexBPDgf ruminates. Through our r/s she did alot. Not like use nons though. When she did ruminate it was brief a few hours at most.  When her and her mother would fall out I would here about it for a short while  day after day. And then on to the next drama.

[willtimeheal]

I have no idea if my ex ruminates or not about us as a couple. I do know I took care of her every want and need. I think if she does ruminate she "sees"   the past in a very different way than it really happened. The other day was the first time I would have seen my ex in six months. I didn't see her but she saw me. Some friends that were sitting by her said there is no way she didn't see me walk by and watch me from where she was sitting. My friends said she changed her hair color, she is thin, very thin, and looks worn down. I on the other hand, am happy, my self esteem is climbing, I have surrounded myself with good people. I feel good about myself and life.

My exes FB profile background was changed yesterday to some quote about how she would rather surround herself with people who make mistakes than be around someone who doesn't think they make any. Her picture was also changed to a photo of a family trip we took together.

I do think she thinks about me and us but she changes the script to meet her needs and make me the bad guy. I was no Angel and I made mistakes. I know that. I never cheated or abused her or lied to her. In her mind I was all of these things as twisted as it is... .She has to believe it. It is they only way she can survive. Because if it isn't me she would forced to look in the mirror and she's her true self. She could never handle the shame and disappointment.

[Mike-X]

My ex seemed to engage in tons of rumination. I assume that much of the brutal devaluing of our life together and the equally brutal false accusations of cheating, that seemed so convincingly real to her no matter how preposterous the scenarios were, emerged from twisted ruminations. She seemed to feel plagued by it and to the point of leaving at least in part to try to stop it. I assume that she controls it better now that she has left (i.e., out of site out of mind), but she still reaches out from time to time and drops hints here and there that she occasionally thinks about things, both positively and negatively.

[raisins3142]

I'm sure pwBPD ruminate.  I'm sure it is NOT the way I do.

When I ruminate, I'm actually trying to understand things and am willing to admit unpleasant things to myself, such as my own fault in things etc.  And I'm pretty realistic.

I don't think my ex has that ability.  She just rationalizes, etc or maybe beats herself up.  But ruminating toward actual understanding?  Nah.

[raisins3142]

My personal opinion is that it is easy for her to tune me out after a breakup because she is so attractive, is a female, and can easy get into bed with any number of good looking guys to try to make her feel good about herself.  Never ends up good for her but that what she do.

Interesting that some 7s haven't realized that they can bed a 10, but wonder why they can't get them to be in a relationship and commit.

[BorisAcusio]

Hey guys. I've been doing some research into this term 'ruminating.'

I am definitely afflicted myself by this! I constantly go over what happened in the last part of my relationship with my ex, which ended in part with her telling me "I'm not suffering, Reece. I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

I understand that no one has a crystal ball, no one can tell me for certain if my ex also ruminates about what happened.

Just to provide a little more info: My ex definitely doesn't have a replacement. She's a lot more religious now, and I think that's what she's using to cope as opposed to a new BF.

Here's the question though, and I'm curious:


Is it common for people with BPD to ruminate about the past? Like I do?

According to studies, borderlines are prone to experience anger rumination,

Two prominent emotions in borderline personality disorder (BPD) are shame and anger. Rumination has been demonstrated to occur in response to shame and to escalate anger, and rumination, particularly anger rumination, has been shown to predict BPD symptoms.

Previous research has suggested that the mere thought of something upsetting is enough to trigger ruminationand an emotional cascade in individuals with BPD (Selby et al.,2009).

It is possible that anger may protect against shame (Chapman et al., 2012), such that focusing on and ruminating about anger overshadows shame-related experiences

[Loosestrife]

Borisaquis - I have read this too. It explains why there is such a lack of empathy about how the nonBPD feels

[Hiker]

I don't know if my ex-wife ruminates over the relationship. Our divorce was final Feb. 20.

I do know I am fortunate that she lives 365 miles away from me. The only contact I have

had in the past 6 months were a couple of texts I had to answer re: the divorce. All other

contact was handled by my atty. She has attempted on several occasions to bait me into

dialogue on text. I do not answer her texts. I am going through a lot of feelings and I am

concentrating on healing. The 9 year relationship was horrid overall. I often feel anger toward

myself for putting up with as much as I did.

[BorisAcusio]

BorisAcusio - I have read this too. It explains why there is such a lack of empathy about how the nonBPD feels

Bingo!

Rumination is related to deficits in cognitive inhibition and the ability to remove irrelevant negative material from working memory (Joormann, 2009). Two forms of rumination, while related, have a major cognitive difference: sadness rumination attributes negative events to the self while anger rumination attributes them to an external entity (typically a person or group)



It seems that capacity to cognitive reappraisal is responsible for whether rumination will eventually turn into a healthy kind of introspection:

It is assumed that the evaluation of event threat not only influences meaning making but also induces positive psychological changes such as posttraumatic growth. Second, we surmised that self-focused attention would influence rumination.

We observed that only self-reflection had a significant correlation with the meaning making. Consequently, in the future, researchers should focus on the quality and context of rumination as well as its frequency when examining meaning making.

Self-rumination refers to negative, chronic, and persistent self-focus, and is related to neuroticism and depression. In contrast, self-reflection refers to active pursuit self-knowledge and understanding, and is related to enhancement mental health and making sense. Thus, we hypothesized that self-rumination has a maladaptive effect on the meaning making process, while selfreflection has an adaptive effect.

[downwhim]

Interesting how anger and shame are related. My ex dumped his best friend of 13 years while we were together. He never thought of the good times they had, he would ruminate and go into a fit of anger about his friend when he saw him. He also wanted bad things to happen to him and was full of revenge.

[love4meNOTu]

This is a great thread- something I've thought of quite a few times.

I remember during my marriage, which was SHORT - thank goodness, the exhwBPD would only ruminate when he was ANGRY. He would become angry all over again about a slight that could have happened YEARS earlier... from a person he no longer had anything to do with. I used to wonder what it would be like to live with all of that anger inside. Probably not a very nice place to be.

Now hearing him wish that people were dead should have been red flag number 1... .but of course I thought that anger would never be aimed at me... no, no way, right?

[JPH]

My ex had moments of lucidity or clarity when she seemed genuinely aware of her brokenness and remorseful about her behavior. Unfortunately such moments were fleeting, as the disorder always returned soon afterward (and often in the same conversation).