It sure doesn't take much

[bluejeans]

So, my uBPDSO called to let me know she would be home before her next work appointment to do some work on the computer.  Since I have the day off and I am home using the computer for a lot of personal business that I have to take care of, I asked her what time she expected to be home. She totally freaked out that I even asked her to give me a time. I told her I am using the computer and it would be nice to know when to expect her. Sounds reasonable, right?   She got mean so I said goodbye. She sent me a text next (of course), saying "Your attitude and communication towards me is entirely unacceptable. I'm working. What are you working on? Changing your will?"  Turns out she saw me pulling out some personal financial binders this morning so I could look up some things (not the will), and jumped to that conclusion. As a side note, I work full time and pay all the bills.  She works some and does not contribute much and never has (that's another story).  My frustration is that so often these rather small interactions become a huge problem. I am on the Staying board but definitely rethinking this. I am getting worn out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OffRoad]

I have found that I need to use a lot of extra words with my uBPDh. For example, when you asked her what time you expected her to be home, in my house, I would have to say " I have been catching up on XXX and YYY on the computer, and I'd like to be sure that it's available when you need it. What time do you expect to be home so I can time my work appropriately?"

If a blow up still happened, my response to "What are you working on? (the question was already answered , so this should not come up) Changing your will?" would have been. "No, I was working on XXX and YYY and still have ZZZ to go."

It may or may not help you, but it solved a lot of problems for me. I came from a family house where you only had to say a few words and the other person knew what you were talking about, because they had been paying attention to what you were doing (and maybe had previously asked about it). My H doesn't pay attention or ask anything, so when he gets something in his mind, he won't even check to see if he got it right or not.

[Riverrat]

Bluejeans, I SOO understand that.

I find that I have to be very specific when dealing with her. To the point of where she says "I'm not stupid". 

i.e. "Running to town to go to the store" I have to say what store, for what, how long it will take, am I stopping elsewhere, does she want anything or want to go?

One time I stopped and got us a treat (pie) and she wanted to know how I got that when I told her I was only going to the hardware store. Lol

Or if I'm making chicken for dinner--tell her how I'm preparing it, side dishes, drinks, etc. Her comment "I shouldn't have to drag this info out of you--can't you just talk 'normal' to me"?

Many examples... .but point is be much more specific than talking to friends or family. She claims to be so much smarter than me... .but then has trouble connecting the dots. BUT there is a fine line with too much info, as then I get "I'm not that interested" or "I really don't care".

Some days she couldn't care less how my day went, even when I try to share details. Other times it's what did I do and who did I see and where did I go, almost hour by hour.

With my dBPDgf, each time I walk in the door it's a crapshoot what I'm gonna be hit with. Maybe that's part of the attraction?

[bluejeans]

Thanks. About being specific, that makes sense. I know I try to be very careful and it is a lot of work, and then it doesn't even turn out ok.  I have to be so careful, it wears me out... .

My partner is not really aware or interested in what I am doing unless it involves her in some way.

Good question, Riverrat - "Maybe that's part of the attraction?"  Never a dull moment. I tend to be very even tempered, rational, and responsible and she is the opposite. I have thought about that a lot. 

Someone asked me recently what I got out of the relationship. I had to think and I am not sure I came up with much.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks. About being specific, that makes sense. I know I try to be very careful and it is a lot of work, and then it doesn't even turn out ok.  I have to be so careful, it wears me out... .

My partner is not really aware or interested in what I am doing unless it involves her in some way.

Good question, Riverrat - "Maybe that's part of the attraction?"  Never a dull moment. I tend to be very even tempered, rational, and responsible and she is the opposite. I have thought about that a lot. 

Someone asked me recently what I got out of the relationship. I had to think and I am not sure I came up with much.

I have been struggling with the same question. I woke up this morning thinking - what would it be like if I was in a reciprocal relationship where my partner contributed, was interested in me and didn't  Speak to me like a piece  of crap every few days?

They managed to control their behaviour towards others - lat time I looked, my aspiration for life and resumé didn't say 'verbal punch bag'.

Please remember your request for a return time was very reasonable and this is not your problem.

[123Phoebe]

My frustration is that so often these rather small interactions become a huge problem. I am on the Staying board but definitely rethinking this. I am getting worn out.

Yea, the frustration... .It can definitely wear you out

Would it be possible to get another computer for your home?

[Riverrat]

Oh yeah, I totally get the frustration, too.

I woke up next to dBPDgf this morning, saw she was awake, and just totally wanted to roll over and cuddle with her. What a great start to the day that would have been. Not even sex, just to be able to hold her for a bit.

But any intimacy or touching would set her off, she has had a wall up for months.  So I just got up and started my day, and she watched me climb out of bed and get dressed. What was SHE thinking at this point? God only knows, but I do often miss what I consider normal relationship interactions.

I'm not sure what I get out of this r/s either. It is frustrating, time consuming, emotionally draining, and even expensive. Some days things 'almost' seem normal, but I know they really are not.

My T states "Well at least you are not alone, you have her and her dog".  Well I could get a roommate, or even a girlfriend that wasn't a perfect match, but would still be fun to be with.

I did ask him what I would feel like in this r/s 3,5, or 10 years down the road?

Bluejeans, Most days I do kinda treat her like a roommate. Just doing my thing, and trying to stay out of her space and affairs. The more reading and practicing I do the easier it is to be around her--so hopefully things will get better.(only been with her 10 months)

Two computers is a great thing. As I write this, she is laughing at her computer game like a 14YO schoolgirl, which is often where her mind is at, I believe.

[bluejeans]

Funny thing is she does have her own laptop. I only use the desktop. I didn't even suggest that she use her own laptop to do her work - sensing that would be too much to ask!  But good idea, maybe I will get my own laptop. That may help a bit.

I haven't figured out how to insert quotes here yet  - but thanks, Loosestrife, for reminding me that my request was very reasonable.  It's hard to remember that when you get caught up in all this.

[babyducks]

Hi bluejeans,

I think OffRoad raised a very good point and one that rings quite true for me.

My SO processes information in an entirely different way than I do.  It catches me off guard over and over, even when I am aware of why she processes information the way she does.

When I do what OffRoad suggested, provide what to me seems like a tremendous amount of unnecessary detail, things go smoother and we are able to communicate better without pointed barbed little exchanges.

I was once in the habit of speaking to her in almost a short hand kind of way.   In your example I would have assumed since she saw me pull some personal finance folders she would know I was working on taxes and I needed a good breaking point to stop at.   

And since this isn't the way she processes information, she would have perceived my question as a rude and abrupt dismissal of her needs and emotions.   It's a huge trigger for my GF to have even the perception of her needs being discounted.   Some one here once wrote that they felt they lived in a needs entitlement war and I understood immediately what they meant.   

Things have gotten much better for us as a couple since I have learned to communicate within the parameters of the way she processes thoughts and emotions.   Understanding that she needs more attention, approval and affection that I do, allows me to not react when she snaps.   

I do not tolerate being a verbal punching bag.   I did need to learn to communicate that in ways that did not escalate the rhetoric between us.

I would say that life with my partner is not simple, not easy, and has some significant challenges  but since I learned how to use the tools here I don't feel  frustrated much any more.

I sometimes feel sad, that this mental illness is in our lives.   But I no longer change what I do or how I act because I am 'walking on eggshells'.

my suggestion, and its only a suggestion is, keep posting, keep reading,  work the lessons on the right side of the screen and take some time to let things settle in your own head and heart.

'ducks

[Notwendy]

My H is triggered by any direct questions. Asking him when he is coming home might set him off. I would also have to explain why I was asking or ignore the response. The other day he came home early and as soon as he walked in said he was going to go do some work. This isn't his usual routine so, wondering if something was going on at work, I said "oh what are you working on? "

Somehow that got twisted into something else and he retorted with " what I always have to do- pay bills blah blah either in response to thinking I don't notice what he does or whatever. But I have learned that these snappy answers are mini dysregulations and don't respond.

[Notwendy]

I also agree with the processing language in a completely different way than I do and it is easy to forget. I also posted a while back about feeling like room mates. He has his own space at home, and even his own fridge with his favorite food in it ( so the kids don't eat it). I would not feel comfortable sharing a computer.