Can you back up with a pwBPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

H has been very bizarre for the past few weeks after our “discussion” about how I wasn’t concerned about his auto accident several years back. I’m trying to figure out if this is the BPD or Midlife Crisis or both.

In the meantime, since H thinks I didn’t show “enough” concern 2.5 years ago when he had the car crash (and it’s quite possible that since pwBPD don’t always show how upset they are, I might not have responded in as panicky a way as he would have thought appropriate), is there a way to fix this? Would telling him I am very sorry I didn’t understand how scary it was for him and if I had it to do over, I’d make sure he knew how worried I was about him help at all?  Or are things past never fixable? I have already told him that I could see how he'd be upset if he thought I didn't care about him, that I would be upset, too, but as I go through the conversation in my mind, I don't think I ever apologized for not understanding he was upset.

[OffRoad]

H has been very bizarre for the past few weeks after our “discussion” about how I wasn’t concerned about his auto accident several years back. I’m trying to figure out if this is the BPD or Midlife Crisis or both.

In the meantime, since H thinks I didn’t show “enough” concern 2.5 years ago when he had the car crash (and it’s quite possible that since pwBPD don’t always show how upset they are, I might not have responded in as panicky a way as he would have thought appropriate), is there a way to fix this? Would telling him I am very sorry I didn’t understand how scary it was for him and if I had it to do over, I’d make sure he knew how worried I was about him help at all?  Or are things past never fixable? I have already told him that I could see how he'd be upset if he thought I didn't care about him, that I would be upset, too, but as I go through the conversation in my mind, I don't think I ever apologized for not understanding he was upset.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[takingandsending]

Hi OffRoad!

Would telling him I am very sorry I didn’t understand how scary it was for him and if I had it to do over, I’d make sure he knew how worried I was about him help at all? 

That is wonderful. It is called a repair, and every relationship needs them. It helps if both partners are able to do this, but in the case of an RS with pwBPD, it may just be you making the repair attempt. I do this with my wife, and it actually can be effective at stemming the flow of a dysregulation. And it's because you really mean it. It won't always stop them from being upset, but my gosh, it's coming from your heart and you really would do it differently in hindsight if you could. That is a hard thing to refute, even for pwBPD.

I hope this goes okay for you.