Disappearing Act vs. Turmoil

[Reecer1588]

Hey guys. I have a ton of questions about BPD behaviors, well really, if they're BPD behaviors at all. Anyways, here's one of them.

I've met a lot of people now on BPDf, a lot of stories remind me on my uBPDexgf, then again, a lot don't.

Here's the question that arises from the DIFFERENCES in stories rather than commonalities.

How many of you would describe your BPD ex's leaving you as "turmoil" like mine, full of negative diatribes, threats, and now threatening legal action against me if I contact her in any way.

There was a "fulcrum" point in my case. One single night, when she ran out of my house, that was "the end" so to speak. Where the story really turns into weeks long nightmare.

Now it's been over a month of deafening silence from my ex

My point being, my exgf dId NOT leave me when we were the closest. Far from it.

So, how many of you can relate to that breakup?

On the other hand, I've heard a lot of stories of people waking up to find their ex's just up and left, since this hasn't happened to me, I can't elaborate on the details of this. I just call it the "disappearing act"

So how many of you relate to this ending as opposed to the first?

What might either of these breakup styles signal?

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines fear abandonment primarily, and get triggered by intimacy, since they begin to feel engulfed, like they'll lose themselves in another person; those two forces, fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment, oppose one another, which sets up the push/pull behavior, with the borderline trying to straddle the fence between abandonment and engulfment, trying to find the peace and contentment on the fence between them, short lived and unstable.

So, if the fear of abandonment is predominant, they become convinced you will leave, for whatever reason and not necessarily based on reality or fact, they may leave first as the only way to deal with that fear.

Or, if the fear of engulfment is predominant, they may 'push' so far as to leave all the way, to deal with that fear, in the only way they can find.

Or, choice three, a borderline can deal with the intense emotions of being triggered by projecting it all on you, making you the scumbag, raging, living in chaos and devaluing

All of those are natural progressions of the disorder, and any of them are extremely painful for those of us emotionally enmeshed with a borderline at the time.  None of them are fun, take your pick; mine went to choice three, and it was so painful and chaotic that I thought I was going insane and had no choice but to leave, pure self preservation.  The only upside is once the relationship is over we can learn about the disorder and heal, and realize it never could have been any other way, and at least we escaped further injury and learned some valuable lessons.  Whew!  Best to not get any more on us, it ain't healthy.  So what did you learn about yourself so far?

[Reecer1588]

All of those are natural progressions of the disorder, and any of them are extremely painful for those of us emotionally enmeshed with a borderline at the time.  None of them are fun, take your pick; mine went to choice three, and it was so painful and chaotic that I thought I was going insane and had no choice but to leave, pure self preservation.  The only upside is once the relationship is over we can learn about the disorder and heal, and realize it never could have been any other way, and at least we escaped further injury and learned some valuable lessons.  Whew!  Best to not get any more on us, it ain't healthy.  So what did you learn about yourself so far?

I am a serious co dependent person. I have always felt like I'm inadequate, and attractive girls aren't attracted to me.

I'm also very obsessive. It's not a "harmful" obsession, I don't mean to cause my ex or anyone any harm.

I just feel a deep NEED for answers.

What sucks is they aren't the answers I want to hear.

The answers:

Yeah Reece, sounds like your ex is BPD, at least she shows a lot of those behaviors from what you've described

It's hopeless, you can never go back to her.

My thoughts: Deny, deny, deny. Try to accept furiously.

Lots of cognitive dissonance.

[fromheeltoheal]

 

My thoughts: Deny, deny, deny. Try to accept furiously.

Denial and bargaining are two of the stages of grieving.  As you go through those, just don't consider yourself stuck, even though they may take a while.  You're going THROUGH and there's acceptance on the other side.

[Copperfox]

So, if the fear of abandonment is predominant, they become convinced you will leave, for whatever reason and not necessarily based on reality or fact, they may leave first as the only way to deal with that fear.

Or, if the fear of engulfment is predominant, they may 'push' so far as to leave all the way, to deal with that fear, in the only way they can find.

Or, choice three, a borderline can deal with the intense emotions of being triggered by projecting it all on you, making you the scumbag, raging, living in chaos and devaluing

Well said FHTH,  we like to say they all seemingly operate on a script, but there is variation.  Depends on where they are coming from.  Depends on us as well.  How we react plays a major role.

I think we all struggle with the "was he/she really a borderline" question.  But in the end, we were all left conflicted and confused. I've been thru plenty of relationships, even some bad breakups, but none of them led me here.  Except this one.  We are all here for a reason.  The labels don't matter, focus on the behaviors.

If it made sense, you wouldn't be here.