daycare

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

so my ex is trying to put herself in a good light because she knows court is coming up. she agreed to let me get some extra time with my daughter, she agreed that I can get my daughter on the days she has to work which is 2 days a week. Tuesdays for 2 hrs and Fridays for 3 hrs, it could be longer on Fridays but I live 35 min from the daycare and my ex thinks that it would be to long for me to take her to my house and then bring her back in the same day

I cant discuss it with her because its extra time and she doesn't have to give that to me.

what I ended up doing today was getting my daughter at 9 am this morning at the daycare and spending the morning with her and ate lunch and I brought her back at noon because that's her nap time.

when I brought her back to the daycare I gave her a hug and kiss and told her I loved her and put her in her cot where she sleeps gave her the bear from me, she was laughing with the other kids. she then handed me the bear and got up from her cot and started to walk towards me, I gave her another hug and kiss and said goodbye and she broke down sobbing. the teacher picked her up and started to comfort her and I left the room and went to the front desk to watch on camera to make sure she calmed down which she did.

a couple things played into this I think, she was tired and when I bring her back to the daycare she is used to me dropping her off to her mom. she may need more time with me at as well and was sad to see me leave maybe.

my question is should I have comforted her when she broke down crying or is it best to just leave like I did?

this could have been avoided if my ex would let me keep her the whole day but its about what my ex wants rather then whats best for our daughter.

any suggestions?

[Eco]

so my ex is trying to put herself in a good light because she knows court is coming up. she agreed to let me get some extra time with my daughter, she agreed that I can get my daughter on the days she has to work which is 2 days a week. Tuesdays for 2 hrs and Fridays for 3 hrs, it could be longer on Fridays but I live 35 min from the daycare and my ex thinks that it would be to long for me to take her to my house and then bring her back in the same day

I cant discuss it with her because its extra time and she doesn't have to give that to me.

what I ended up doing today was getting my daughter at 9 am this morning at the daycare and spending the morning with her and ate lunch and I brought her back at noon because that's her nap time.

when I brought her back to the daycare I gave her a hug and kiss and told her I loved her and put her in her cot where she sleeps gave her the bear from me, she was laughing with the other kids. she then handed me the bear and got up from her cot and started to walk towards me, I gave her another hug and kiss and said goodbye and she broke down sobbing. the teacher picked her up and started to comfort her and I left the room and went to the front desk to watch on camera to make sure she calmed down which she did.

a couple things played into this I think, she was tired and when I bring her back to the daycare she is used to me dropping her off to her mom. she may need more time with me at as well and was sad to see me leave maybe.

my question is should I have comforted her when she broke down crying or is it best to just leave like I did?

this could have been avoided if my ex would let me keep her the whole day but its about what my ex wants rather then whats best for our daughter.

any suggestions?

[Eco]

One thing that doesn't sit well with me is that we had a great day and I hate that it ended with her sobbing and now I wont see her again til Tuesday. its difficult because most kids get to see that parent at the end of the day not 3 days later, I just worry about any damage it does to my daughter. I think its very possible that im making this to hard on myself and im the one struggling more then my daughter

[Turkish]

One thing that doesn't sit well with me is that we had a great day and I hate that it ended with her sobbing and now I wont see her again til Tuesday. its difficult because most kids get to see that parent at the end of the day not 3 days later, I just worry about any damage it does to my daughter. I think its very possible that im making this to hard on myself and im the one struggling more then my daughter

You're right and right on the last point, Eco.

It's so tough to leave our children like that. We see them in pain and want to comfort them... I'm hopeful that you get more time, legally codified, soon.

All in all, however, this is fairly normal behavior for a 2 year old. My D didn't want to be left in Sunday School (basically day care at that age) for about 8 months after their mom moved out. It was only about a 1.5 hour seperation, too, if that. She would cling desperately to me and cry.

I see some kids still do this when their parents are still together. What I'm saying s that you have a right to be concerned now, and for a long while, given her mother. However, what I see is: one, fairly normal toddler behavior; and two, secure attachment to her daddy.

[Sunfl0wer]

This sounds pretty normal.  What is good is that she was able to calm down.  I have worked in preschools and the kids that had a hard time adjusting were the ones who carried on crying over an hour. 

All of what you describe sounds normal and ok.  It also sounds like you handled it well! 

[Panda39]

I agree with everyone else sounds like pretty normal behavior to me too and I think leaving like you did was the right way to handle it.

ECO you sound like such a worried first time dad and I mean that in a really good way.  Your love and concern for your daughter is lovely.   I also think your instincts regarding your daughter are very good (when in doubt follow your gut).

Maybe doing some reading would help you in terms feeling more comfortable with your parenting or do you have a friend or family member that you think did/does a good job parenting that you could pick their brain?

Back a million years ago when I had my son (okay really only 21 years) I read 2 books What to Expect When you are Expecting & What to Expect the First Year that I found really helpful in terms of advice, information and child development.  I don't think What to Expect the Toddler Years by Heidi Murkoff was even written back then and I have not read it but if it's anything like the previous two books my bet is that it's pretty good.  Might be something to check out or just go to the library and see what they have on parenting.

You sound like a great dad just keep doing what your doing.

[Eco]

You're right and right on the last point, Eco.

It's so tough to leave our children like that. We see them in pain and want to comfort them... I'm hopeful that you get more time, legally codified, soon.

All in all, however, this is fairly normal behavior for a 2 year old. My D didn't want to be left in Sunday School (basically day care at that age) for about 8 months after their mom moved out. It was only about a 1.5 hour seperation, too, if that. She would cling desperately to me and cry.

I see some kids still do this when their parents are still together. What I'm saying s that you have a right to be concerned now, and for a long while, given her mother. However, what I see is: one, fairly normal toddler behavior; and two, secure attachment to her daddy.

thanks turkish

[Eco]

This sounds pretty normal.  What is good is that she was able to calm down.  I have worked in preschools and the kids that had a hard time adjusting were the ones who carried on crying over an hour. 

All of what you describe sounds normal and ok.  It also sounds like you handled it well!

thank you

[Eco]

I agree with everyone else sounds like pretty normal behavior to me too and I think leaving like you did was the right way to handle it.

ECO you sound like such a worried first time dad and I mean that in a really good way.  Your love and concern for your daughter is lovely.  love I also think your instincts regarding your daughter are very good (when in doubt follow your gut).

Maybe doing some reading would help you in terms feeling more comfortable with your parenting or do you have a friend or family member that you think did/does a good job parenting that you could pick their brain?

Back a million years ago when I had my son (okay really only 21 years) I read 2 books What to Expect When you are Expecting & What to Expect the First Year that I found really helpful in terms of advice, information and child development.  I don't think What to Expect the Toddler Years by Heidi Murkoff was even written back then and I have not read it but if it's anything like the previous two books my bet is that it's pretty good.  Might be something to check out or just go to the library and see what they have on parenting.

You sound like a great dad just keep doing what your doing.

thank you for the advice and info to read

[livednlearned]

Hi Eco,

Look up attachment styles online -- it sounds like your daughter was exhibiting signs of a secure attachment, which is what you want.

It's heart wrenching when our kids hurt  :'( and you love her so much, and have to learn how to parent in these small stretches of time. You aren't experiencing the normal ups and downs, but you're making up for that in so many ways. Reading about healthy attachment styles will go a long way because it will help you understand what is both healthy and age-appropriate.

My T told me that a child only needs one stable, healthy parent in order to thrive. You are that parent. You're going to get more time with your D, and even though she will have some challenges because her mom is not well, you'll be able to help make up for the deficits.

I think you're really fortunate to be learning from others how to navigate this path ahead. I look back and see now how ignorant I was, and even though I was an attentive, loving parent, there is so much more I wish I knew. In particular, validation. But also how to help my child learn how to problem solve on his own. It's an important skill for kids to learn to self-soothe, and to figure out how to deal with frustration and sadness and disappointment in healthy ways. As your D gets older, you'll be able to explain more to her and the two of you will learn a lot together. Kids are like that  Little teachers.

[Eco]

I think you're really fortunate to be learning from others how to navigate this path ahead. I look back and see now how ignorant I was, and even though I was an attentive, loving parent, there is so much more I wish I knew. In particular, validation. But also how to help my child learn how to problem solve on his own. It's an important skill for kids to learn to self-soothe, and to figure out how to deal with frustration and sadness and disappointment in healthy ways. As your D gets older, you'll be able to explain more to her and the two of you will learn a lot together. Kids are like that  smiley Little teachers.

thanks L&L  .

I will do some research on healthy attachments. its funny I saw a few videos by accident the other day on the internet on that very topic.

psychologists were conducting tests where the parent would leave the small child in a room by themselves causing distress in the child and the parent would return a few min later and the way the child responded to the parent would tell them what kind of attachment the child had with the parent. children who could be calmed down by the parent quickly had a healthy attachment and children who took longer to calm and were unresponsive had a insecure attachment.

that made me feel good because I can calm my daughter down very quickly when she is upset so I think we have a healthy attachment

these boards are priceless because of the info I get and the support, its nice to feel that you aren't alone. I cant really talk to people that haven't dealt with BPD or NPD because they cant understand the craziness we deal with its literally unbelievable