How should I deal with this...

[Yaffle]

We were out on a friends 40th birthday on Saturday when one of my friends started having a go at my girlfriend about how she treats me.  She's mentioned it a few times since but hasn't really blown up too badly about it yet but I know its there stewing under the surface.  She did say as she went t bed last night that she's the most hated person in town because of the lies I've been spreading about her.  I haven't told any lies about her and haven't recently seen this friend to say anything about her at all but I think he's picked up on how I have to rush home all the time etc.  This morning she wouldn't let me help her with anything she was doing and also told me how she's love to have someone cook her tea every night (she does do most of the cooking so I can't complain about that at all). 

I suspect she's going to have been thinking about it all day and will probably be uspet with me when I get home from work tonight.

I guess its going to be along the lines of 'I can understand that it was upsetting for you to have to put up with that when we were out'  'I know I wouldn't like that to happen to me'  and finally 'but I haven't said anything to him'  etc?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey there,

I'm still learning to use the tools myself.

and finally 'but I haven't said anything to him

Maybe someone else can clarify, however, I think that statement is JADEing.  Sounds like a D to me.

[Yaffle]

You could be right!  I was going for a T!

[Sunfl0wer]

Lol! 

I was going for a T!

Ahh!

This is great, I really am figuring this out so it would be fun if we could!

At first I thought you meant T=Therapist.

Now I realize it must be a T in SET.  (like I said, new to the tools)

Humm, so if T = truth... .

How about:  I want us to be able to go out and have a good time without the added stress and burden of other peoples opinions because I want to focus on us and enjoying the moment.

Idk... .maybe we can work with that tho?

[Sunfl0wer]

upsetting for you

Oh, and I think I have noticed other members trying to avoid this language as it has triggered their soBPD to make it seem like you are calling her sensitive.

[Yaffle]

I keep having to read all of the abbreviations to refresh myself.  I like response.  I may try something like that as that is almost something I'd say naturally anyway which I'm far more comfortable with

[Yaffle]

I do find that I'm not very good at phrasing things in ways that sound natural to me that aren't triggering.  It doesn't help that she found some emails of mine that mentioned BPD and has looked into it a bit so every time I say something that doesn't sound natural to me she says 'You've been reading your BPD rubbish again haven't you?'

[Sunfl0wer]

Hang on,

Since everyone is off to work, maybe I can get a whole SET worked out!

Here is my cheat sheet from this site:

Example1:

Problem: I do not hear as good as my h, he get impatient.

S: I really care about you.

E: I see you get really angry that you have to repeat thinks sometimes twice.

T: It is a fact, that I do not hear so good, but it is too early for a hearing aid.

So now to try to apply:

S:  It upset me what xxxxx said at the party, I wonder if you feel the same?

E:  Anyone would be upset to have to deal with a statement like that at a birthday party.

T:  I want us to be able to go out and have a good time without the added stress and burden of other people's opinions because I want to focus on us and enjoying the moment.

Did I do it? 

[Sunfl0wer]

'You've been reading your BPD rubbish again haven't you?'

Lol!  She's on to you.

I always honestly told my ex that I just am the type to be always working on my own self improvement and trying new things and growing.

Sometimes he'd notice something working and I'd admit it to see if he would join in with me.

Mostly though I just enjoyed my own learning without his understanding.

[Yaffle]

Thank you  - think I can use that.

I actually told her I was looking into stuff to help myself deal with her temper.  Probably not the ideal thing to say but it was pretty truthfull