Did you know your ex had BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Nope. I didn't know she had it. When we were getting to know each other, she did mention that she has a friend and an uncle with BPD. Along the 8 month of relation ship, there were some red flags, but i didn't take note of it (in this case, ignorance was not a bliss, it came back to give me a swift kick in my butt). Went through the 3 phase of the relationship, cheated on and betrayed. I don't know if she knows she has BPD or just don't want to come to terms with it.

[tholian]

Nope. I didn't know she had it. When we were getting to know each other, she did mention that she has a friend and an uncle with BPD. Along the 8 month of relation ship, there were some red flags, but i didn't take note of it (in this case, ignorance was not a bliss, it came back to give me a swift kick in my butt). Went through the 3 phase of the relationship, cheated on and betrayed. I don't know if she knows she has BPD or just don't want to come to terms with it.

[rjones91]

No. If so, I would not have continued on with her. After some months she told me she was on meds for depression and anxiety, because of the pain and hurt from her previous relationship. I had no clue about BPD until I had a chance to sit down and go over the year relationship and look at all the red flags and manic and depressive episodes, as well as other things, after vising this site. They say hindsight is 20/20... .cuz if I knew then what I know now, I would have only said hello and kept it moving. She was on a few other meds but I don't remember the name of them. I don'e ever want to date or even be friends with anyone who has this or any other type of mental issue/disease/disorder. You really can suffer from PTSD symptoms after dealing with these types of individuals. Totally mind blowing!

[Infared]

No. If so, I would not have continued on with her. After some months she told me she was on meds for depression and anxiety, because of the pain and hurt from her previous relationship. I had no clue about BPD until I had a chance to sit down and go over the year relationship and look at all the red flags and manic and depressive episodes, as well as other things, after vising this site. They say hindsight is 20/20... .cuz if I knew then what I know now, I would have only said hello and kept it moving. She was on a few other meds but I don't remember the name of them. I don'e ever want to date or even be friends with anyone who has this or any other type of mental issue/disease/disorder. You really can suffer from PTSD symptoms after dealing with these types of individuals. Totally mind blowing!

Yes! The problem is, is that we go in as a normal, caring, loving person and get decimated  with all of this sick, insane, self-centered drama... .and we are told to believe that we somehow caused it all?  Who would not come out spinning?

Yes, the person is mentally ill, I know, but that is NOT my responsibility. Nor will I feel shameful or guilty for absolute NC.

[Madison66]

I saw some concerning behaviors from my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years early on.  There were some things such as:

1. Her confiding in me that she had been molested by a female HS coach and hadn't dealt with the scars of the abuse.  She told me on our fourth date and it felt like one of the first hooks to attempt to get me to "save her".

2. Her house was a mess to the point of her looking like a hoarder.

3. There were a number of events of emotional dysregulation that made me stand back and say "What the heck?"

4. She was involved in a number of car accidents and was an erratic driver

5. She exhibited huge abandonment issues and said that she couldn't be alone at night

6. She had a number of cyber male friends who continued to text her even after we were together for months

7. She continued to keep her match.com profile active even after we were together several months and pushed back at taking it down.

8. Her parenting style was like a child raising children and her D9 seemed to mirror her emotional dysregulation and anxiety

9. She painted her ex H and her parents black

10. Her issues with her stb ex H (and his gf) were always the center of discussion = triangulation started early

11. Little to no communication with her family

12. Her life was constant chaos - her divorce would also take half of our r/s to complete even after she told me on our first date that it was three months out from being signed by a judge. 

13. She couldn't seem to let go of her marriage and dealing with taking care of herself and her kids

It wasn't until about 1.5 years in that a couples T told me that she thought my ex gf exhibited strong PD traits (both BPD and NPD) and advised me to leave the r/s before things get worse.  This was after she saw her individually for a few sessions and then my ex gf abandoned T stating she didn't feel safe.  I had no clue what these two PD's are and stayed in the r/s thinking I could help my ex gf change or get help.  After being out for the last 16 months, I could never, ever, ever see myself ignoring all of the red flags especially so early on.  In fact, I dated a woman for a couple of months back in late spring of last year who exhibited some BPD and NPD traits.  I easily walked away early on because it just didn't feel right. 

[Restored2]

I saw some concerning behaviors from my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years early on.  There were some things such as:

1. Her confiding in me that she had been molested by a female HS coach and hadn't dealt with the scars of the abuse.  She told me on our fourth date and it felt like one of the first hooks to attempt to get me to "save her".

2. Her house was a mess to the point of her looking like a hoarder.

3. There were a number of events of emotional dysregulation that made me stand back and say "What the heck?"

4. She was involved in a number of car accidents and was an erratic driver

5. She exhibited huge abandonment issues and said that she couldn't be alone at night

6. She had a number of cyber male friends who continued to text her even after we were together for months

7. She continued to keep her match.com profile active even after we were together several months and pushed back at taking it down.

8. Her parenting style was like a child raising children and her D9 seemed to mirror her emotional dysregulation and anxiety

9. She painted her ex H and her parents black

10. Her issues with her stb ex H (and his gf) were always the center of discussion = triangulation started early

11. Little to no communication with her family

12. Her life was constant chaos - her divorce would also take half of our r/s to complete even after she told me on our first date that it was three months out from being signed by a judge.  

13. She couldn't seem to let go of her marriage and dealing with taking care of herself and her kids

It wasn't until about 1.5 years in that a couples T told me that she thought my ex gf exhibited strong PD traits (both BPD and NPD) and advised me to leave the r/s before things get worse.  This was after she saw her individually for a few sessions and then my ex gf abandoned T stating she didn't feel safe.  I had no clue what these two PD's are and stayed in the r/s thinking I could help my ex gf change or get help.  After being out for the last 16 months, I could never, ever, ever see myself ignoring all of the red flags especially so early on.  In fact, I dated a woman for a couple of months back in late spring of last year who exhibited some BPD and NPD traits.  I easily walked away early on because it just didn't feel right.  

Hi Madison66.  We have some similarities here.  

1. Mine had numerous and various unresolved abuse issues from her past which she brought into our relationship.

3. She had some emotional dysregulation going on from time to time.

4. Mine was somewhat of an erratic driver that had some car accidents to her fault.  She had a tendency to fall asleep at the wheel while driving.

11. She had no to little communication with her family.

12. Her divorce papers were apparently signed off as an uncontested divorce by both her and her husband before we started to date, yet somehow it took our entire 8 month relationship and beyond to finalize the divorce by being stamped by the courts.  She told me that it should all be finalized by the courts within about a few short days from the signing of the divorce papers, which it was not.

Mine also claimed feeling "unsafe" with me around her children, which is ludicrous, as I have done absolutely nothing to warrant this and I have a decade of social work experience working with children.  

[Emelie Emelie]

He knew he had it and told me about it fairly early on. After the first rage episode. Asked me to do some reading and let him know if I could handle it. Of course I could handle it!  Wrong. In retrospect I wish he hadn't told me. I accepted a lot of behavior I'd like to believe I would not have if I didn't have a "reason" for it. What I don't understand is how, knowing about it, he can continually repeat the same behaviors and not recognize the patterns. He's a smart guy. Yet nothing is his fault. the fault was all mine.

[hoaianhcameron]

I didn't know about it, didn't even know PD exists.

He told me he'd been to therapist for 10 years and hinted me alot of sign related to BPD. So when he cheated on me, blamed everything on me, did a lot of desperate actions, i followed his hints and found: BPD, although with some trait of NPD. But well, he's French so it's a right for him to be naturally arrogant and think himself as the center of the universe.

[Deeno02]

I had no damn clue until AFTER I was dumped. I journaled because of my divorce and continued during our relationship. When I got dumped, I was in such a panic, I had no idea what I did. Out of desperation, I turned to a old HS girlfriend of mine who happens to me a Psychologist. I sent her my journal entries for the course of our r/s and within like 20 minutes she responded back asking if I knew what BPD/NPD was. Of course I didnt. She started sending me links to stuff and finally to you all. Thats when I truly found out that it really wasnt my fault. I was just a stop along the way.

[downwhim]

Right now I think about writing this six months after our b/u and he has moved on to another r/s and is supposedly "happy." I am still trying to work out what happened and what my part is. He is busy love bombing... .

I had no clue he had BPD. I was in survival mode coming out of a 22 year marriage and hard divorce. He was kind, loving, helpful, attentive and there for me. He did not act strange until 9 months in and I was hooked by then.

I am co dependent. I am learning how to be different in the next relationship. I do not want to repeat this. The pain was too great and the lesson too hard.

[starshine]

I didn't know.  I didn't know anything about personality disorders until my uBPDexbf unexpectedly dumped me and had moved on in 4 days.  Whew!  He because so blatantly cruel, had shifted gears so completely and quickly.  It was bizarre.  Like something you read about in a trashy tabloid.  And it seemed there was a whole community there to support his new life, while I was cast adrift.  I googled cruel breakups, and discovered BPD.  I'm guessing my kids father is a contestant in name that PD Game, too (ASPD,NPD,BPD).  I don't know if either of them ever had a clinical diagnosis.  They are both toxic individuals that create drama and chaos. But also incredibly smart, witty, and handsome; both of them.

I think many of my friends are diagnosable, and I have spent the last 3 years backing out of tight relationships, creating boundaries, where there is question about the stability of these relationships.  I have realized that I am very attracted to people with personality disorders.  The love bombing, the drama, the push and pull.  I have had to be very careful about any new relationships I invite into my "new" reality, and I take it really slow. I just don't ever want to be in an intimate relationship with a PD again.