Did yours do a disappearing act?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My exBPODfiance' did a 'disappearing act' only 3 weeks after she sold all of her furniture and moved into my house. We never argued and there was no disagreement that prompted it - it came completely out of nowhere: I went out of town for work and in the course of a day, she painted me black and moved out. Many other accounts point to obvious or subtle signs days, months or weeks beforehand but that didn't happen at all in my case. Everything seemed to be normal.

That was 6 months ago and I have not heard from her since (I am blocked from contact in every way that you can think of).

Did anyone have a similar situation? I'd be interested in hearing your story.

[JRT]

My exBPODfiance' did a 'disappearing act' only 3 weeks after she sold all of her furniture and moved into my house. We never argued and there was no disagreement that prompted it - it came completely out of nowhere: I went out of town for work and in the course of a day, she painted me black and moved out. Many other accounts point to obvious or subtle signs days, months or weeks beforehand but that didn't happen at all in my case. Everything seemed to be normal.

That was 6 months ago and I have not heard from her since (I am blocked from contact in every way that you can think of).

Did anyone have a similar situation? I'd be interested in hearing your story.

[clydegriffith]

In my instance the dissapearing act comes after she's been figured out. We have a child together and some sort of contact is necessary but she no longer responds to any of my emails and i do everything through her mother. Similar story for the guy she had a kid with before me and i'm sure it'll be the same for the latest guy she just had another kid with.

[Pou]

I think the disappearing act and rage has to do with "s/he" did something bad against you.  Normal people feel guilty, PDs turn offensive. 

[JRT]

I think the disappearing act and rage has to do with "s/he" did something bad against you.  Normal people feel guilty, PDs turn offensive. 

Thanks for your thoughts on this. Let me see if I am understanding correctly. So: what you are saying is that se has some cognition and acceptance that she has done something fundamentally bad and her way of coping with the bad thing is to do the bad thing surreptitiously and then cut me off so that she doesn't have to deal with it?

If I am understanding this correctly, why would she then do the bad thing to begin with?

[sun seeker]

     

   Imagine a 5 yr old child. When they do something bad they usually run an hide. Bpders same scenario, child mentality in an adult body. (My dexBPDgf never ran away she hid the facts)

[tjay933]

I don't know if she "knew ahead" what she was going to do as much as may be trying to avoid responsibility for the bad she "thinks" she has committed. She may not have actually done anything but just believes she has. Remember, they aren't in our reality. They try desperately to avoid responsibility for their actions, hence, blaming everything on the other person. They have "imagined" conversations then get mad at you for arguing with them in their imagination. It may all be in her reality-in how she feels-nothing more.

The reason they do anything, imo, is because it makes them "feel" better-physically or emotionally. Doesn't mean it works, but they think it will.

[JRT]

sure... .it begs the question though: why do the bad thing in the first place then? Especially if its to your own detriment. Or, is that element of BPD more powerful and overshadows that logic?

[JRT]

I don't even know that I am on this forum any longer as a means of feeling better or because it is fascinating... .its like exploring a parallel universe that I never knew existed where things LOOK like they function properly but really do not.

[tjay933]

the question could be asked of the addict: why keep doing it if you know it's going to kill you? answer: because it feels good right now.

they have the emotions and probably the self control of a toddler. if you asked a toddler to not eat that piece of candy and in an hour they will get two instead-how many do you think would hold off for that hour? I'd give it 5 min tops before they ate the first piece then they'd cry and whine about wanting more.

... .its like exploring a parallel universe that I never knew existed where things LOOK like they function properly but really do not.

so which is it that looks like it functions but doesn't, our world or yours or pwBPDs? Just curious.

[Invictus01]

sure... .it begs the question though: why do the bad thing in the first place then? Especially if its to your own detriment. Or, is that element of BPD more powerful and overshadows that logic?

Their impulse control is almost non-existent. They for the most part do whatever the hell they want, which is why many have legal issues. The girl I dated got arrested for public intoxication in an airport a couple of months into me dating her. She got arrested because after she was told to leave the building, she for some reason just decided to walk back inside instead of going to the hotel (i.e. disregard the cop's orders). Of course everything was presented to me as "the cop was just an a$$ to me." Anybody who has ever dealt with cops knows that unless it is a situation where they just 'cuff anybody that moves to get the situation under control, a cop will give you 150 chances to walk away before you end up in jail. She apparently, just didn't care.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I don't even know that I am on this forum any longer as a means of feeling better or because it is fascinating... .its like exploring a parallel universe that I never knew existed where things LOOK like they function properly but really do not.

Try having an ex as a Therapist (LPC), practiced for 15+ years, and trying to figure all of this out. In all of our conversations on mental health and the kids (young adults) she treated, the word never came up once. Not in 10 years. I do think in retrospect that her boss, who has a PHd in psychology thinks something may be up with her. My ex was/is forever going thru the idealization/devaluation phase with her. On the phone when she was raging about said boss correcting her for something came the discard, but only with me. You can't discard a boss really and keep your job! I always teased her about breaking up and making up with her. She thought it was funny. So did I, at the time. Now that I know what it is funny isn't the word.

[JRT]

... .its like exploring a parallel universe that I never knew existed where things LOOK like they function properly but really do not.

so which is it that looks like it functions but doesn't, our world or yours or pwBPDs? Just curious.

Mine was pretty high functioning... .and MBA and a financial controller at an industrial company... .all outward appearances paint her as 'having it all together', MAYBE jsut maybe with some minor problems related to her son (always down playing them) that seems to choose the wrong romantic partners since they always seem to victimize her (in some vague way) ... .but other than that, she has her sh#t all together!

In the end, her parallel universe does not work since all the things that are important in her live never work or are disaster. Its surprising that she can hold down a job but I sense that there is some sort of co-dependency going on there as well.

[tjay933]

I think I got it. it's her universe that only appears to function normally but doesn't. just want to make sure i'm not in her universe is all.

are you sure she has it all together at work? they do live in their own reality. Maybe she just imagines she is all together at work but from anyone at works point of view she's off?

[JRT]

I think I got it. it's her universe that only appears to function normally but doesn't. just want to make sure i'm not in her universe is all.

are you sure she has it all together at work? they do live in their own reality. Maybe she just imagines she is all together at work but from anyone at works point of view she's off?

She has been there for ten years or more now. She is treated by her boss like a secretary, from my observation, at times. She wants to become a company officer but they never even entertain the idea. Interpersonal conflict waxes and wanes but it is always needless drama, not work related. I think that they keep her around despite glaring deficiencies and functional immaturity because they can keep her on a short lease.

Meanwhile, she advertises to the world that she is an MBA (and whats to study for a Phd in business) and the controller for an industrial company that is large in their niche. She does well in the deception.

[tjay933]

sounds like she's bigger than life as a secretary. nothing against secretaries! she's living in her own world. there's probably more to them not promoting her than she even knows about-or is able to admit to.

[ShadowIntheNight]

sounds like she's bigger than life as a secretary. nothing against secretaries! she's living in her own world. there's probably more to them not promoting her than she even knows about-or is able to admit to.

This may be possible. I have no idea how things really went at work beyond what she told me. I can tell you on a regular basis (meaning 3/4 times a year) her boss would ask her if she was going to leave them. This because my ex would rage on and on about this, that or the other thing. This is why I suspect her boss may think there's something going on with her. I never had a boss ask me if I was thinking of leaving my job. But then I never raged about things that went on either.

If I had a master's degree and was treated like a secretary I'd be going somewhere else! That seems dysfunctional to me.

[JRT]

When I first met her, she was hell bent on getting a better job. She bragged about how she made $100 k... .then, it was $100k with her annual bonus (it was really $80k)... .(I suspect that a small component of her flight was related to the fact that she would have had to come clean with her salary which, in the end, I think was much less even than that $80k figure).

I had encouraged her to pursue other opportunities since she was, according to her reports, not being treated well there. And even on its face, after 11 years, she was only getting 10 days of vacation and making half as much as an MBA makes with 11 years of experience. She went on an interview and the effort just died there and I never said a word about it going further. I suspected at the time that she just learned to live with the environment and would end up working there for her entire career in a comfortable environment that works for her.

The real truth is likely that she realizes that on some level she is a mess and that seem to allow for that with her. It blows my mind that someone with enough business drive and acumen to have earned an MBA would not be on a relentless pursuit of a job that makes $200k or more but instead relegates herself to a glorified admin job with commensurate salary. Its pretty clear now that the chaos and abuse of the place give her a comfortable enough feeling so that she is happy to forgo the difference in salary, however exponential. She would get checked up and spit out in short order at a real company and I think that she knows it.

[tjay933]

She would get checked up and spit out in short order at a real company and I think that she knows it.

that would set the stage of fear of abandonment big time. must be a constant stresser for her especially with BPD? maybe why her personal life is stressed?

[Maternus]

Did anyone have a similar situation? I'd be interested in hearing your story.

My ex did it. Not to myself,  but to my predecessor, her ex-husband (who in fact is still her husband, she left him 5 or 6 years ago, but they are still married).  She left him on a weekend, where he was out of town working. He came back and his wife, his two children and half of the furniture were gone. 

[jhkbuzz]

I think I got it. it's her universe that only appears to function normally but doesn't. just want to make sure i'm not in her universe is all.

are you sure she has it all together at work? they do live in their own reality. Maybe she just imagines she is all together at work but from anyone at works point of view she's off?

My ex functioned very well professionally - and I can say this confidently because we worked together for several years.  She was pretty well liked at work; it was her intimate r/s's that were a train wreck.

[JRT]

She would get checked up and spit out in short order at a real company and I think that she knows it.

that would set the stage of fear of abandonment big time. must be a constant stresser for her especially with BPD? maybe why her personal life is stressed?

oh yeah... .she often times looks like she is going to shatter into a million pieces... .psychosomatic illness... .inability to have fun for the sake of fun... .etc,

[JRT]

Did anyone have a similar situation? I'd be interested in hearing your story.

My ex did it. Not to myself,  but to my predecessor, her ex-husband (who in fact is still her husband, she left him 5 or 6 years ago, but they are still married).  She left him on a weekend, where he was out of town working. He came back and his wife, his two children and half of the furniture were gone. 

Holy cow - thats pretty extreme (but not altogether different than my own experience) ! Did they communicate after the fact?

[hurting300]

They run because of anger or shame. Trust me ... .If you want them back, move on.

[Maternus]

Did they communicate after the fact?

Yes, they have two children. I think he knows that she is disordered. He went LC with her.

[HappyNihilist]

answer: because it feels good right now.

We all have impulsive desires, or volitions. "First-order volitions" are the impulses themselves. A "second-order volition" is wanting either to want or to not want a first-order volition. For instance, I might have a first-order volition to consume my own body weight in margaritas - my second-order volition might be, "But I don't want the hangover, calories, liver damage, or possible death that would result from such an undertaking." Second-order volitions aren't absolutes and can vary by situations - the important thing is that we (mostly) live by them. This is, basically, self-control.

Philosopher Harry Frankfurt said that people "are essentially characterized by their freedom to control their momentary desires." Thomas Fuchs expounds on this with regards to BPD - "someone who is ruled only by his momentary impulses [... .] lacks autonomy." Fuchs goes on--

"Individuals with borderline personality disorder often describe lasting feelings of emptiness and boredom, since their transitory present has no depth. It lacks the fulfillment which only originates from the integration of past experience and anticipated future. To fill the void, momentary pleasures, thrills, and ecstasies are sought, turning life into an unconnected series of fleeting events instead of continuous history."

"Borderlines describe a painful sense of incoherence and inauthenticity; they feel as if they were only pretending to be what they are, as if they cheated others into believing them. In fact their personality often changes dramatically depending on who they are with."

This "transitory" and "unconnected" sense of being also plays into how they can just cut and run, out of the blue, no reason given.

[ShadowIntheNight]

answer: because it feels good right now.

We all have impulsive desires, or volitions. "First-order volitions" are the impulses themselves. A "second-order volition" is wanting either to want or to not want a first-order volition. For instance, I might have a first-order volition to consume my own body weight in margaritas - my second-order volition might be, "But I don't want the hangover, calories, liver damage, or possible death that would result from such an undertaking." Second-order volitions aren't absolutes and can vary by situations - the important thing is that we (mostly) live by them. This is, basically, self-control.

Philosopher Harry Frankfurt said that people "are essentially characterized by their freedom to control their momentary desires." Thomas Fuchs expounds on this with regards to BPD - "someone who is ruled only by his momentary impulses [... .] lacks autonomy." Fuchs goes on--

"Individuals with borderline personality disorder often describe lasting feelings of emptiness and boredom, since their transitory present has no depth. It lacks the fulfillment which only originates from the integration of past experience and anticipated future. To fill the void, momentary pleasures, thrills, and ecstasies are sought, turning life into an unconnected series of fleeting events instead of continuous history."

"Borderlines describe a painful sense of incoherence and inauthenticity; they feel as if they were only pretending to be what they are, as if they cheated others into believing them. In fact their personality often changes dramatically depending on who they are with."

This "transitory" and "unconnected" sense of being also plays into how they can just cut and run, out of the blue, no reason given.

I wouldn't have said this about my ex but now that I understand about BPD I would.  She  could not stand to be by herself. If she had a day off on the weekend and her kids were with their dad, instead of resting (because she was tired from taking care of two kids and working) or writing (because she would swear she had a book that she was working on and it was going to make her a millions and famous, u read it, right?), she would run around doing errands, seeing friends. Anything but the things she said she wanted to do. She was literally empty and bored. Literally she hated to be by herself.  Could never understand it. I guess she just always needed to be the center of attention with anyone.

[JRT]

This "transitory" and "unconnected" sense of being also plays into how they can just cut and run, out of the blue, no reason given. [/quote]
If there is anything that speaks volumes about how she feels/felt about me it would be this: according to this, I meant absolutely nothing to her.

[JRT]

answer: because it feels good right now.

We all have impulsive desires, or volitions. "First-order volitions" are the impulses themselves. A "second-order volition" is wanting either to want or to not want a first-order volition. For instance, I might have a first-order volition to consume my own body weight in margaritas - my second-order volition might be, "But I don't want the hangover, calories, liver damage, or possible death that would result from such an undertaking." Second-order volitions aren't absolutes and can vary by situations - the important thing is that we (mostly) live by them. This is, basically, self-control.

Philosopher Harry Frankfurt said that people "are essentially characterized by their freedom to control their momentary desires." Thomas Fuchs expounds on this with regards to BPD - "someone who is ruled only by his momentary impulses [... .] lacks autonomy." Fuchs goes on--

"Individuals with borderline personality disorder often describe lasting feelings of emptiness and boredom, since their transitory present has no depth. It lacks the fulfillment which only originates from the integration of past experience and anticipated future. To fill the void, momentary pleasures, thrills, and ecstasies are sought, turning life into an unconnected series of fleeting events instead of continuous history."

"Borderlines describe a painful sense of incoherence and inauthenticity; they feel as if they were only pretending to be what they are, as if they cheated others into believing them. In fact their personality often changes dramatically depending on who they are with."

This "transitory" and "unconnected" sense of being also plays into how they can just cut and run, out of the blue, no reason given.

I wouldn't have said this about my ex but now that I understand about BPD I would.  She  could not stand to be by herself. If she had a day off on the weekend and her kids were with their dad, instead of resting (because she was tired from taking care of two kids and working) or writing (because she would swear she had a book that she was working on and it was going to make her a millions and famous, u read it, right?), she would run around doing errands, seeing friends. Anything but the things she said she wanted to do. She was literally empty and bored. Literally she hated to be by herself.  Could never understand it. I guess she just always needed to be the center of attention with anyone.

Mine was never bored... .but she did not fill any voids with the usual, sex, drugs, etc. She craved chaos and usually found it with work matters and/or her son (who was highly dysfunctional).