BPD Husband thinks I'm cheating

[dmuheim]

Hello, My husband of 25 years I new to counseling and does not know he has been diagnosed with BPD.

He has accused me of cheating on him for years and I have not.  I believe this goes back to his childhood were his father cheated on his mother and yes the feeling of abandonment.   

He takes this out on me but I stand my boundaries and I am trying to use the new tools provided in the books.

Can anyone tell me if this will change or will I live with this for our whole life.  Either way I'm here for the long run.  Just curious.

Our Boys are young adults now 21 and 25 and they are going to meet the counselor today.  They are confused but understand that their father has a problem and they need to decide for themselves what they as young adults want to do.

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[Aurylian]

Of course every situation is different, but it seems to always linger out there. 

With my BPDw, she would look at the lack of intimacy between us, not like the feeling, and then rationalize that it must be due to me cheating on her.  Otherwise I would think she was the best thing since sliced bread.  For someone with BPD I don't think they need a history to feel this way.  It is very common for them to assume we are cheating.  Also common for them to assume we are gay. 

In my case the accusations went on for years and have died down a little, but always hangs around if it is needed to deflect responsibility.  My life is very busy and packed so even my wife has to see that there is really no time for cheating. 

[Pou]

Dont want to get you paranoid.  But lots of times, I find an "action" or an "accusation" from PDs don't come out from no where.  For example, my NPDw accuses my mother gifting to my kids as a way to buy their affection and she accused me financing it.  First of all, my mother buys one gift for my kids each at their birthdays and holidays only, and not only I am not financing it, I never gave my mom a dime because my NPDw gets all rage out and accusive, meanwhile we gave her parents $500 to $1000 checks for a few years because her dad lost her job due to illness.  Keep in mind my Mother-in-law has similar PD with like my NPDw.  My NPDw and I made pretty good money at the time, it wasnt an issue.  But I notice her PD mom uses her dad as an excuse to collect that $ from my NPDw and her sister.  Meanwhile not a dime was given to my mom.  My mom also refuses to take any $ or things from me, she prefer living with essentials and prides herself doing just that.  After her outrageous accusations, next thing I know, his mother is buying 2 to 3 gifts a time for my kids and it was very obvious that she was financed by my NPDw and purchasing my kids' affections.

See ... .what happened here is that PDs will accuse you doing something that they are doing or planning to do, meanwhile it is completely out of blue for you.  I anticipate this to be the same for many things.  Now, there will be "learned" behaviors where they may have learned "not to" act out because in their past relationships they had learned that if they provided those clues, they will be caught.  So they simply block those information and comments out ... .only under very extreme circumstance, then they will leak and rage out.  Good luck and don't be devastated if they cheat, how do you tell a scorpion not to sting the frog?  you just cant. 

[Cloudy Days]

I have been married for 9 years now and now that my husband has been in treatment for several years the accusations have died down a lot. Are they still there? Yes, I really don't think they will ever go away completely, the accusations usually come up when he is at his worst and splitting me black. I can usually pinpoint the exact thing I said wrong (invalidating statement). However, I can say that I don't feel he would ever cheat on me. His mother cheated on his father and it devastated his life in some serious ways. Every now and then I get a simple question on if I am faithful to him or keeping something from him, I answer him truthfully and from the bottom of my heart and he stops. This didn't use to be the case.

[ColdEthyl]

What Pou said is true, but a lot of us are in r/s with pwBPD who do not cheat, and it's not always gaslighting. My H will accuse me from time to time when he feels low because he thinks he isn't good enough and I should want to be with someone else. Also at times because we are dealing with a ED issue, so that makes him feel bad and thinks I will go elsewhere.

It stems from fear and abandonment. It will probably come and go, but it can get better.

[Cloudy Days]

I agree with what ColdEthyl said, My husband usually asks me when he feels low about himself or unloveable. Especially if something is not going right in the bedroom.

[Pou]

What Pou said is true, but a lot of us are in r/s with pwBPD who do not cheat, and it's not always gaslighting. My H will accuse me from time to time when he feels low because he thinks he isn't good enough and I should want to be with someone else. Also at times because we are dealing with a ED issue, so that makes him feel bad and thinks I will go elsewhere.

It stems from fear and abandonment. It will probably come and go, but it can get better.

Good point.  I guess if there a good reason to tie the accusation to.  And once that problem is solved, then the accusation goes away.   Then the possibility of reverse cheating is much less if not zero.  What I was talking about is when that accusation comes from no where and you can not link anything to anything going in your marriage.  Then, that is probably something going on with him and in order to manage his/her guilt, they accuse you doing the horrible things that they are doing to you.   

[Notwendy]

My H has gotten this idea off and on over the years without having any reason to think it. I am not a flirty person and my time is spent mostly with my kids and if I socialize, it is a kids and parents event. I don't think my H actually believes that I am cheating, but he works himself up into thinking it by believing that I am more interested in somebody else, and that can include actors that I noticed were good looking, and old boyfriends from school days that he's seen pictures of in yearbooks. Rationally, there is zero chance that Ryan Reynolds is hiding under the bed, but my H will say that I am more intersted in him than my H.

It's interesting the idea that they are acusing others of what they are doing themselves. I do not think my H is a cheater, however, there was a woman he worked with a long time ago who he was very close to and she was in love with him- by all accounts it was pretty obvious by the way she acted- enough that people said something about it. My H admitted that she tried to seduce him. I suspected, but don't have proof it was more. She has left town. Other than that, I have not had any other suspicions. However, at the time that this was going on, my H got triggered by an old school picture he found at my parents house and went off on a rant- accusing me of lying and betraying him over a picture of someone I had a crush on years ago and literally, nothing happened besides a crush. My mother ( w BPD) looked at me and said " He's acting like a man who is having an affair" . Maybe it takes one to know one?

My H doesn't always verbally accuse me, but he is very sectretive about when he has time off from work. I have asked him to let me know when he is off so we might plan to do something together, but he chooses to not tell me. Sometimes he will pop in unexpectedly when I am home to see if I am there ( with Ryan Reynolds). If my car is there and I am not, it is because I am taking a walk, but he texts me to find me and sometimes asks to join me. I wonder if he is checking up on me or trying to catch me. Recently, I had a brief schedule change at work and forgot to tell him and when he found out he acted betrayed. I don't think he is being secretive about his schedule in order for him to cheat. I think he is doing it so he can sneak up on me and "catch" me.

I don't think this behavior will stop because it is coming from his feelings and is not based on any reality. I do not believe he is cheating now, and if he did long ago, then he can deal with his own feelings about that. If I find evidence that he is cheating, then I will deal with that. However, if he were, then it would be him dealing with the lying, sneaking around and all the misery that would cause for him. One thing I have realized over the years is that not having ever cheated is really liberating in a way. I have nothing to hide, no matter what he thinks, or does. It has increased my self esteem to be honest and authentic. He can't change that either.

[formflier]

 

The big thing... .is not to try and "prove" them wrong.

I made this mistake for several years... .before bpdfamily and the tools I learned.

I did quite a bit of damage and invalidation by proving her wrong. 

[Aurylian]

The big thing... .is not to try and "prove" them wrong.

I made this mistake for several years... .before bpdfamily and the tools I learned.

I did quite a bit of damage and invalidation by proving her wrong. 

Right, keep confirming that you are not cheating, but don't try and help them see the logic or otherwise invalidate.  It took me a while to learn this too.

[formflier]

 

Sometimes... .even confirming that you are not cheating... .saying that... .can be worse than just validating a feeling or expressing empathy.

Depends on presentation... .and history of the r/s.

For me

"You are cheating with so and so... ."

"I am not cheating... "  (or variations on this... .seemed to make it worse)

"Sorry you feel that way... ."  "thats your opinion" ... .seemed to work for me.  I've heard others say it didn't work for them.

If I get "told" I love someone else... ."help me understand how you know my emotions... ." or "are you asking me to express my feelings to you... " usually diffuses it.

There is some trial and error to figuring out what works in each r/s... .

[ColdEthyl]

Yep the language is what matters. I usually go with "I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know it hurts me when I think like that. But, I am not doing X. I love you and my life. I have not and am not cheating." That's been doing it. In fact, I haven't heard a cheating accusation in a good 6 months now. Before, I would be JADEing and that not only made him dysregulate/upset, it also made the accusations worse.