How not to call off a friendship with exBPD

[parisian]

So I posted a while back that I wanted to stop coming to these boards, as I was moving on and feeling much better, and needed to focus on me. I hope this is the last post I have to have about my (current) interactions with exBPDgf, although I feel like I need to loiter for a little while longer, probably in the working on yourself section.

Long story short - we maintained a 'sort of' friendship, which was really just about me continuing to put her first rather than myself, and her catching up with me occassionally to feed her need for supply. There was nothing in it for me, and it could never ever be a true friendship.

We were in a text conversation and I started asking pointed questions and making some observations about our former relationship. She cut that conversation off suggestion there was no point going over old ground and she didn't want to talk about those things, even though of course, we'd had no conversation about anything to do with the r/s when I called it off. I then said it seemed like the friendship was only conditional on not talking about the past. She ignored me. Tired of the push and pull I then called the friendship off saying I can't be friends with someone who ignores me - I'd already given her that warning in earlier conversations.

Unfortunately we both found ourselves in the same place one day and she walked past me looking away and not even acknowledging me. I fronted her and said whilst we can't be friends, it is a small community and there is no reason why we couldn't at least be civil or friendly towards each other. She ignored me again.

I then did what everyone on here says not to do. I sent her an email firstly telling her that was going to be the last contact ever from me, that I knew she had BPD, and listing all the awful things she did during our relationship. In a way, I wanted to sever the potential for us ever being friends or in contact again, and frankly I was tired of pretending as I had done for so long, that she'd done 'nothing bad' as she called it. Tired of pretending that the awful things she did, hadn't happened. I called her on her 'we just weren't right for each other' line suggesting we weren't right for each other because she had a severe mental illness she'd not told me about, and I couldn't understand or cope with her behaviour.

Soon after I get the 'don't ever call / contact me again' email. Which I responded to with exaclty the same warning to her. She's a lawyer and it was clearly setting me up for some type of non-contact order.

A friend recently told me I've been replaced so that explains the ignoring. She's moved on and part of me of course is upset. As we all are when replaced. And now she's likely making me out to be abusive to the replacement.

I have had to re-read lots of posts on here to remind myself that she won't suddenly get better for the next person, that the replacement is likely going through the idealization phase, that give it a few months and the crazy will start to appear with the new person.

I'm angry with myself for not just letting it go. For wanting to hurt her by telling her all the hurt she caused me with her appalling behaviour. I'm angry that I could not be more compassionate with her, that I could not be 'the better person'.

I have no doubt I won't ever hear from her again, nor will I ever hear from her again so in a way this is like an awful but forced closure. I am wondering how other people coped with this type of scenario?

[Infern0]

You do realize that the only way to "hurt" someone with BPD is to ignore them, right. they can't STAND it to think that someone just doesn't care about them or what they did.

it's dominant strategy for dealing with them

Sending the emails, telling her how she's hurt you etc, you just buried yourself with a shovel, you gave her all the power to end things "on top"

Best response is to act like you couldn't care less and walk away, their ego's cant handle it and they'll soon be blowing your phone up, then you just ignore them some more and watch them melt like the wicked witch in the west.

Just saying.

Anyway you goofed, let it go, move on, heal yourself, etc etc etc. You know how it goes

(apologies for the cynical attitude this evening)

[fromheeltoheal]

and frankly I was tired of pretending as I had done for so long, that she'd done 'nothing bad' as she called it. Tired of pretending that the awful things she did, hadn't happened.

Yes, there's a huge urge to do that once the fog clears a little and we really connect with all of the bullsht we put up with.  Not doing what you did is just easier, when dealing with mental illness, it's just the path of least resistance, and like Inferno says, the best way to hurt a borderline is to abandon them, since that's the core of the disorder and the continual focus.  :)isappearing without a trace wounds them to the core, and it can be quite satisfying to remember that when you're in revenge or retribution mode.

I have no doubt I won't ever hear from her again, nor will I ever hear from her again so in a way this is like an awful but forced closure.

Never say never.  Borderlines are all about attachment and soothing of emotions, and once the disorder works through the cycles with the new guy, and she starts fearing abandonment because he did something as innocuous as settle into the relationship, and she starts having strong emotions she can't soothe on her own, you may pop up on her radar as a possible soothe source, a possible lingering attachment that is still in place, at least a little, and you may get a call.  One benefit of living in the moment is old sht doesn't matter, so expect her to show up as if nothing ever happened between you and she's glad to talk to you.  My ex has been showing up somewhat randomly for almost 30 years (!), and she's always happy, giddy, ecstatic to have gotten a hold of me, blah, blah.  Only took me decades, but it doesn't phase me at all anymore, it's amusing actually, how someone can be so fcking warped that they can show up years later like everything is just peachy and I'm really happy to hear from her.  Whatever.  There's a straight jacket in her future, no doubt.  Take care of you!

[Sunfl0wer]

I am glad you bring this up.  Living out these last weeks of our lease together has its moments of challenge.

It briefly crosses my mind on occasion... .To let him know what I think and feel.  As if either of these would matter to him.  I guess there is part of me that still wants to matter, to him.

I keep reminding myself that this is something I need to provide for myself.

Someone once pointed out the irony of people looking to others for self-esteem.

probably in the working on yourself section.

I apologize if I am not quite understanding, however, it sounds like you are feeling down on yourself for requiring self growth?

I look at self growth, not as a need reserved solely for the needy, but more as a choice of the wise.  I think when a person is stuck in a state of neediness, they often do not have capacity to take in self growth.  On the contrary, persons who seek out self growth, before they even discover the growth part, are already demonstrating strength in capacity and wisdom.

[downwhim]

Thanks for the reminder that when we ignore them it hurts them more. I have been n/c for 5 months. I got the urge yesterday to write to him so I wrote a three page letter about our engagement, kids, BPD, co-dependency etc... .it is pretty accusatory. I really toyed with sending it.

He would say bla, bla... .who cares, I am over her, I replaced her, what a b@@@ch, glad I dumped her etc... .

It felt great to state how I felt and write what he did and didn't do but really where does that get me? Relieved a little I guess but to send it would be ammunition for him.

Stay away and n/c... .

[apollotech]

parisian,

I am in agreement with the other posters that the best way to deal with a pwBPD is to ignore them, but ignore them for your own benefit, not to hurt them. I am indifferent to what they say about your sending the communication. I don't adhere to the "who has the power" strategy; who cares who has the power?

It sounds to me like you were carrying a lot of resentment and toxicity regarding your exSO and the failed relationship. If you got a clean purge of those pent up emotions in sending the communication, then it served YOUR purpose. Only you will know that. If you sent it simply to hurt her, then you will have only caused yourself more harm. Do not let her dictate your actions. I hope that you find peace in all of this.

[parisian]

parisian,

It sounds to me like you were carrying a lot of resentment and toxicity regarding your exSO and the failed relationship. If you got a clean purge of those pent up emotions in sending the communication, then it served YOUR purpose. Only you will know that. If you sent it simply to hurt her, then you will have only caused yourself more harm. Do not let her dictate your actions. I hope that you find peace in all of this.

Thanks apollotech. My communication with her wasn't about power or control. You hit the nail on the head when you spoke about purging pent up emotions. I could never discuss how I was feeling in that relationship. Ever. Each time I tried - with kindness and dignity and respect, she simply got upset with me and turned it around to I was hurting her by bringing up those things.

There were so many things I left unsaid. There were so many things I did nothing about.

For two years I carried the burden of her awful behaviour towards me (now I actually realise it was more like for two years it was my poor boundaries that allowed her to behave like that towards me). It was impossible to have a normal, healthy relationship where couples can discuss things without drama and resolve them in a loving, repectful way. Nothing could be discussed. Nothing could be resolved. I simply had to be God or a saint or in reality, a complete doormat, and just accept that was who she was, without any understanding of why she was behaving like that.

In the end, my email to her was to finally have my say. To tell her of the terrible things she did. I did not want to just keep pretending that she had done 'nothing wrong or bad'. She spoke of this multiple times - denying any responsibility for her behaviour, ignoring her actions. I wanted her to see how she acted in that relationship. My hope was / is, that she would get help and never put anyone else through that again. I know that is unlikely but it meant alot to me to finally get those things off my chest. I don't care what she thinks of what I said but no doubt she has immense fear and shame and embarassment. She is very high functioning and I honestly think I will never hear from her again. She's relegated others in her past to a 'never contact again' list, and I'm certain she will stick to that and now I belong on that list too. The shame and hurt is too much for her.

And I'm happy to have it that way too.

[downwhim]

My job is really to learn how to express myself and not let his behavior bottle up inside of me and turn into depression. I need to move on and feel stuck as I ruminate. So, I am re-thinking my letter. I need to let him know too that what he did, how he did it was unkind, cruel and immature.

This is not an attempt to get back together with him. It is an attempt to finally state my feelings from his email/engagement b/u.

What do others on this board think? Parisian you obviously felt better opening up about so many things left unsaid.

[llor]

 There's a straight jacket in her future, no doubt.  

This made me think of my exBPD Wife and made me smile more than it should have. I am going to hell for this smile for sure but it was such a good schadenfreude