Why didn't I walk away... after the 3rd Time?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was bored and I placed a post on Craigslist, Men seeking Women. Plenty of responses, but these 2 very smiley and innocent pictures arrived in my inbox with a very simple description of herself and a sweet sign off "would be nice to hear back from you, but if not... wish you the best of luck out there." A few email exchanges and I was ready to hear her voice. First time we talked was over an hour and there was so much more to say, but at that time her 2 small children ages 3 and 5 were demanding her attention. I had to meet this woman I told myself. We met for coffee and I was touched. She wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but not bad to look at. An air of aloofness and a dab of sadness. She didnt drive, didnt have a drivers license and used public transit and I insisted on driving her home so she wouldnt have to take the bus. I dropped her off and she invited me in and in advance apologized for the house and mess of disarray. Her mom had been watching the kiddos. I saw the poverty, the need and at that second the Co-dependent in me (I didnt know it then) had a lightning bolt thought that I was going to help this woman! Yes, this is my new turn around project! and so it started.

I didnt live to far from her so now every morning I would get up earlier than usual and pick her and the kids up, drop them off to daycare. She was getting sub-sidized daycare while she looked for work. I would drive her around to drop off or fill out applications. She had never completed high school so we started preping for her to take her GED exam. I was so involved in trying to get her in the right direction that the thought of intimacy simply didnt really occu to me. Then one day while we were just hanging out at my place it happened. Wow... .the intimacy and the sex was like nothing I had experienced. Such a connection, such power exchange. Before I knew it, I was working less, using up accumulated time off and taking her to go get groceries, the laundramat, etc... I just couldnt do enough for her.Then one day in tears she began to tell me about her her children's father. How abusive he was and all the very terrible things he had done to her. The last guy she had dated was a real prick too. So far I felt so amazing! I was going to show her how a real man treats and respects a woman.

Then the first flag. The constant texting. I had to ask. Was her sister. Ok, I'll buy that. She set the phone down and excused herself to the bathroom. I was curious, I had to see. There before me, were several, extremely sexually graphic text exchanges. The last text exchange she had just made stated " I will be free tonight and I want you to F@ck me like last time and make me your F@ck doll." She walked back in the room. I then asked her what all she had going for the evening as i was going to work. "probably nothing, just hang here with the kids." I see, I said. I felt nauseous, dizzy... as though my mouth had no control I blurted out and asked her if she was dating other men. She said no. And asked me why. I then confessed to viewing the text exchanges. She calmly told me I should leave. I didnt call her back and she didnt call me either. A week later she calls and wanted to talk. She then admitted that she was seeing a few men, but not dating them. She actually charged them money. She was a prostitute. This is/was how she made ends meet to feed and maintain the tiny shack she lived in. She apologized and told me she was embarrassed and would understand if I wanted nothing to do with her. I told her I needed some time to process all this. A few days passed and in my heart I felt that her was a single mother, no job, no education and she was hussling her body to make ends meet? How could this be? No Way!

That was the first time that I could have still easily walked away. But no. Instead enter the Grand Knight! The Savoir! I didnt even think twice. I went and found a 2 bedroom aprartment. Cancelled the lease on my place and told her that I was going to help her and her kids. We moved in together, kids finally had their own room and we had ours. It was a magical time. I ignored the way she verbally screamed and yelled at the children, at times saying smome very hurtfull comments to them... but hey... they were her kids. I turned away at how she liked to drink like a sailor, hated to wash dishes. I would spend hours listening to her while she was in tears tell me about the miserable childhood she endured, the molestations, a few actual rapes, her PTSD, all the "abusers" in her past relationships. This was also where she first admitted to me that her mother, whom I had met several times now was and still is a prostitute at the ripe age of 52. Also, where she first told me of her BPD.  My heart was touched.

We started going to church. Her kids loved the daycare there and she seemed to be very changed by it. However, it wasnt changing who she was at her inner core. Some days I would get home and she would be drunk as a skunk. The apt a disaster, dirty dishes piled high with food encrusted pans of several hours. She had not studied, not cleaned, the kids were a mess. When asked what she had done for the day, she now started to respond with a real sarcastic sass. ":)ont tell me what to do... .no man tells me what to do." she said in a very stern, yet cool drunken slur. This is only a preview...

From here she graduated and received her GED. She got a good job. After one year we had a huge blow-out. I was always the cool, calm and collected chill guy, but one day she called and said she was staying at work late. She came home drunk, stumbling. I had been watching her children as I usually did. She was so wasted she didnt even notice that her underware were partially stuffed into her bra. That was it. I moved out the following day.

I was devastated, broken... but I was done... .so I thought.

Almost like clock work 90 days passed. I had not had any contact with her. She reaches out to me. How I have been the only man to ever love her, accept her, etc... she needed me. The kids missed me. Of course she failed to mention that she had lost her job and bills were due. Recycle #1.

I came home at the usuall time one day. Parked my car in the porch. It was summer and one of the windows was partially open. I was gathering my stuff out of the car when I realized I could clearly hear her conversation. She was going on and on about how she couldnt take it anymore. I was always on the internet looking at porn and searching personals to look for other women? I was bossy, demanding, always making her clean, scrub and keeping her on ridged schedules. I was a control monster? I walked in and calmly asked her who she was talking to. It was her mother. I was soo offended, so jaded! Here I was helping this woman turn her life around and she's telling not only her mom but also her sister that I was an abusive A-Hole? I told her I was leaving and this time I wanted off the lease. I was so beat down that I couldnt work for about a week. Took a leave of absence. Started to drink, cry and sleep. I felt as though a surgeon had taken a scapel, opened me from above my belly button to my throat and simply left me there opened up. It took me about a full 3 weeks till I was somewhat functional. I was moratelly wounded. At this point in the story your probably thinking... Yeah, he's had enough... he's done with her. Right? Wrong... .

There were 3 more recycles. Her anger and resentment worsened each time. Her lies and cheating became baltant until this last job she got as a secertary. I started noticing she was idealizing her boss. Rigo this, and Rigo that. Rigo here and Rigo, Rigo. Out of no where her boss had promoted her, a hefty raise and she talked about several women that she had stepped on that were pissed. One day I got a call from a girl that worked with her at the same office. She wanted to meet with me. I arrived at the cafe. There were three women. I had briefly met two of them. There was a look of shame on their faces and a sense of vengence in the air. It was then that they each exchanged stories and information. My girl was in a full blown affair with her boss, who btw was married. I now had an accounting for the late work nights. The weekends that she suddenly had to start working. It was just too clear now.

So here I am. I write this to unload my soul. I have lost my job, my self esteem, my manhood it seems. I also suffered a TIA this last time that has left my left hand partially numb. If there is anyone out there that is involved with someone with this condition and you are on your first or second recycle, take note and learn from my experience. The good news is I am in counseling and discovered my Co-Dependency. I am new here, but I see the similar stories, the sadness, etc but of all the sites I've explored on BPD this one is impacting me the most.

Wish me well... .

[dagwoodbowser]

I was bored and I placed a post on Craigslist, Men seeking Women. Plenty of responses, but these 2 very smiley and innocent pictures arrived in my inbox with a very simple description of herself and a sweet sign off "would be nice to hear back from you, but if not... wish you the best of luck out there." A few email exchanges and I was ready to hear her voice. First time we talked was over an hour and there was so much more to say, but at that time her 2 small children ages 3 and 5 were demanding her attention. I had to meet this woman I told myself. We met for coffee and I was touched. She wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but not bad to look at. An air of aloofness and a dab of sadness. She didnt drive, didnt have a drivers license and used public transit and I insisted on driving her home so she wouldnt have to take the bus. I dropped her off and she invited me in and in advance apologized for the house and mess of disarray. Her mom had been watching the kiddos. I saw the poverty, the need and at that second the Co-dependent in me (I didnt know it then) had a lightning bolt thought that I was going to help this woman! Yes, this is my new turn around project! and so it started.

I didnt live to far from her so now every morning I would get up earlier than usual and pick her and the kids up, drop them off to daycare. She was getting sub-sidized daycare while she looked for work. I would drive her around to drop off or fill out applications. She had never completed high school so we started preping for her to take her GED exam. I was so involved in trying to get her in the right direction that the thought of intimacy simply didnt really occu to me. Then one day while we were just hanging out at my place it happened. Wow... .the intimacy and the sex was like nothing I had experienced. Such a connection, such power exchange. Before I knew it, I was working less, using up accumulated time off and taking her to go get groceries, the laundramat, etc... I just couldnt do enough for her.Then one day in tears she began to tell me about her her children's father. How abusive he was and all the very terrible things he had done to her. The last guy she had dated was a real prick too. So far I felt so amazing! I was going to show her how a real man treats and respects a woman.

Then the first flag. The constant texting. I had to ask. Was her sister. Ok, I'll buy that. She set the phone down and excused herself to the bathroom. I was curious, I had to see. There before me, were several, extremely sexually graphic text exchanges. The last text exchange she had just made stated " I will be free tonight and I want you to F@ck me like last time and make me your F@ck doll." She walked back in the room. I then asked her what all she had going for the evening as i was going to work. "probably nothing, just hang here with the kids." I see, I said. I felt nauseous, dizzy... as though my mouth had no control I blurted out and asked her if she was dating other men. She said no. And asked me why. I then confessed to viewing the text exchanges. She calmly told me I should leave. I didnt call her back and she didnt call me either. A week later she calls and wanted to talk. She then admitted that she was seeing a few men, but not dating them. She actually charged them money. She was a prostitute. This is/was how she made ends meet to feed and maintain the tiny shack she lived in. She apologized and told me she was embarrassed and would understand if I wanted nothing to do with her. I told her I needed some time to process all this. A few days passed and in my heart I felt that her was a single mother, no job, no education and she was hussling her body to make ends meet? How could this be? No Way!

That was the first time that I could have still easily walked away. But no. Instead enter the Grand Knight! The Savoir! I didnt even think twice. I went and found a 2 bedroom aprartment. Cancelled the lease on my place and told her that I was going to help her and her kids. We moved in together, kids finally had their own room and we had ours. It was a magical time. I ignored the way she verbally screamed and yelled at the children, at times saying smome very hurtfull comments to them... but hey... they were her kids. I turned away at how she liked to drink like a sailor, hated to wash dishes. I would spend hours listening to her while she was in tears tell me about the miserable childhood she endured, the molestations, a few actual rapes, her PTSD, all the "abusers" in her past relationships. This was also where she first admitted to me that her mother, whom I had met several times now was and still is a prostitute at the ripe age of 52. Also, where she first told me of her BPD.  My heart was touched.

We started going to church. Her kids loved the daycare there and she seemed to be very changed by it. However, it wasnt changing who she was at her inner core. Some days I would get home and she would be drunk as a skunk. The apt a disaster, dirty dishes piled high with food encrusted pans of several hours. She had not studied, not cleaned, the kids were a mess. When asked what she had done for the day, she now started to respond with a real sarcastic sass. ":)ont tell me what to do... .no man tells me what to do." she said in a very stern, yet cool drunken slur. This is only a preview...

From here she graduated and received her GED. She got a good job. After one year we had a huge blow-out. I was always the cool, calm and collected chill guy, but one day she called and said she was staying at work late. She came home drunk, stumbling. I had been watching her children as I usually did. She was so wasted she didnt even notice that her underware were partially stuffed into her bra. That was it. I moved out the following day.

I was devastated, broken... but I was done... .so I thought.

Almost like clock work 90 days passed. I had not had any contact with her. She reaches out to me. How I have been the only man to ever love her, accept her, etc... she needed me. The kids missed me. Of course she failed to mention that she had lost her job and bills were due. Recycle #1.

I came home at the usuall time one day. Parked my car in the porch. It was summer and one of the windows was partially open. I was gathering my stuff out of the car when I realized I could clearly hear her conversation. She was going on and on about how she couldnt take it anymore. I was always on the internet looking at porn and searching personals to look for other women? I was bossy, demanding, always making her clean, scrub and keeping her on ridged schedules. I was a control monster? I walked in and calmly asked her who she was talking to. It was her mother. I was soo offended, so jaded! Here I was helping this woman turn her life around and she's telling not only her mom but also her sister that I was an abusive A-Hole? I told her I was leaving and this time I wanted off the lease. I was so beat down that I couldnt work for about a week. Took a leave of absence. Started to drink, cry and sleep. I felt as though a surgeon had taken a scapel, opened me from above my belly button to my throat and simply left me there opened up. It took me about a full 3 weeks till I was somewhat functional. I was moratelly wounded. At this point in the story your probably thinking... Yeah, he's had enough... he's done with her. Right? Wrong... .

There were 3 more recycles. Her anger and resentment worsened each time. Her lies and cheating became baltant until this last job she got as a secertary. I started noticing she was idealizing her boss. Rigo this, and Rigo that. Rigo here and Rigo, Rigo. Out of no where her boss had promoted her, a hefty raise and she talked about several women that she had stepped on that were pissed. One day I got a call from a girl that worked with her at the same office. She wanted to meet with me. I arrived at the cafe. There were three women. I had briefly met two of them. There was a look of shame on their faces and a sense of vengence in the air. It was then that they each exchanged stories and information. My girl was in a full blown affair with her boss, who btw was married. I now had an accounting for the late work nights. The weekends that she suddenly had to start working. It was just too clear now.

So here I am. I write this to unload my soul. I have lost my job, my self esteem, my manhood it seems. I also suffered a TIA this last time that has left my left hand partially numb. If there is anyone out there that is involved with someone with this condition and you are on your first or second recycle, take note and learn from my experience. The good news is I am in counseling and discovered my Co-Dependency. I am new here, but I see the similar stories, the sadness, etc but of all the sites I've explored on BPD this one is impacting me the most.

Wish me well... .

[jhkbuzz]

Wow... .that's an incredible story.  Just... .wow.  I'm so sorry for your pain, I know what it feels like to give your heart, soul and energy to someone and then watch them discard it like it's worth nothing.

But you haven't lost everything, my friend - certainly not your manhood or your self esteem.  It's in there, and you're beginning your journey to reclaim it all. Telling your story was the first step.

Stick close to these boards, reach out when you need to, and keep reading.  Everyone here knows how you feel because we've been there.  There IS light at the end of the tunnel. 

[Suzn]

Hello dogwoodbowser

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. Your story is a painful one.    I'm really glad you found us.

I was bored. I was going to show her how a real man treats and respects a woman.

This was my hook too. Many members here know exactly what you've been up against. I'm glad to hear you are in counseling, therapists are such insightful help.

Keep posting, it helps a lot. Welcome to our family. 

[dagwoodbowser]

Thank you buzz and suzn... lots and lots of great resources. As odd as it may sound, I read some of these posts and it makes me wonder what is that ingredient, that stuff or source that's in someone like myself or these other folks that paralyzes some of us to continue accepting someones Worst while we keep striving to give them our Best? One of the many things I ponder.

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you buzz and suzn... lots and lots of great resources. As odd as it may sound, I read some of these posts and it makes me wonder what is that ingredient, that stuff or source that's in someone like myself or these other folks that paralyzes some of us to continue accepting someones Worst while we keep striving to give them our Best? One of the many things I ponder.

That's a very, very good question - one that I'm still seeking the answers to myself.  I think that's a key point on the journey; when we stop examing our exBPD's behavior and start examining our own.

[Suzn]

For me, the bottom line was low self worth and low self esteem. I had little understanding of boundaries.

What kept me going back, just like you did, was the "family" unit. I wanted the family I never had. I tried to create that  with a pwBPD, I was codependent as well.

[Mike-X]

Wow... .Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry that you went through all of that. I am glad that you are out of that relationship and are here and in counseling recovering. 

[downwhim]

Welcome and thanks for sharing your incredible journey into BPD land. What many of us find out is we are co dependent and want so desperately to make things work. We stay, recycle sometimes many times and keep expecting a different result. It is also because we are just nice people trying to make a relationship work when it has no chance at all.

When my exBPD and I b/u I suffered from PTSD badly. I was so anxious, moved around a lot, I tore the kitchen cabinets apart to paint and was on two types of pills, anxiety and depression. He called off our engagement with an email. He said he loved me but needed to move on. All bull lonie... .needed new bait.

Since then this board, reading and learning about BPD and codependency has helped me remain strong. I a promised myself I would stay N/C it was so very difficult the first few months. It has been 5 months, I have only slipped once to call him to see if he hacked into my computer. His emails and pictures of my sons wedding and soccer were zipped - no access. He claimed he didn't touch it but I changed my password immediately after our brief and cold conversation.

I will forever be changed after dealing with him and his abuse. He screams and yells and bullies others. Sounds like your ex used the same tactic. I am sorry it affected you physically too.

They bring us down but with help you will make it through this my friend. You are not alone now and posting here with your thoughts and knowledge will help you work at erasing this terrible situation. You will get better. 

[Aussie0zborn]

Thank you for posting your experience. I'm hoping you make a full recovery very fast and learn a valuable lesson from your experience.

[Maternus]

Hi dagwoodbowser,

I thought I went through hell with my uBPDex, but your story is so unsettling, I had a hard time to read it. If I compare my experiences with yours, I got a way with a graze shot while your were standing in the crossfire of BPD.

[dagwoodbowser]

Yeah Maternus. As I reached deep within and started to write it out and then read over it I kept thinking how utterly incredible and almost unbelievable these actual events unfolded over the last 2 yrs. I was/am a turnaround specialist. I've owned my own business and where I worked there was No Problem or Situation I couldnt fix, resolve or find a solution to. Unfortunately I've learned that you cant apply this way of life or philosophy to "broken people." I am a spiritual being and I truly, truly believed that with tons of nurturing, love, consistency, acts of kindness, respect and spiritual enlightenment that all the gears would eventually fall into place. However, my "project" ended up being a Frankenstein nightmare. I lost myself, my boundaries, my self respect. No matter how many seeds I planted of sunflowers, they kept springing up onions. Even at this moment, I can tell you that I have already forgiven her as I know she does not know what she's done or doing, but it doesnt stop my tears of loss. I didnt want to give up damnit!

But I surrender now... She's in God's hands and I have to know turn myself around if I can.