I am told I need to make a decision but I am having trouble doing so.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am usually on the "staying" board, but I am feeling so torn. My BP boyfriend is pushing me to make a decision and he is right I do need to, but it is just so hard. He is leaving it up to me. He has told me he does want to be with me, but then he contradicts by telling me all of these things he feels I don't do, and that he think he is in love with "who I used to be". I am an entrepreneur trying to launch a business and am working very hard. We also just moved. I don't want to get into the whole drama and backstory again, but after he basically attempted to cheat on me with my best friend and was busted, and she decided not to move in with us, I have had one foot out the door. He broke my trust badly, and I stayed anyways wanting to work through things. He knew he screwed up and here and there has tried to make up for it, but we have been fighting worse and worse on and off since the move.

Tonight we had a four hour discussion and fight about our relationship and frustrations all because I wanted him to help me unload my car and move some furniture around. He has been working a lot, and I have pretty much had to arrange and deal with all the moving things including cleaning out our old apartment we are moving from myself. He has helped here and there usually after an argument, where he throws things in my face about how he works all day, and just wants to relax. I want to relax too but I said we are still in the process of our move. Once everything is done being set up we can just live here. It went in circles where he finally spoke about some of his feelings, and he told me he never gets to talk and doesn't feel like I want to participate in anything he is interested in, and that he moved all MY stuff and its all about me and my interests. I tried to tell him that he should look at us as moving together as a team, and what's mine is his. The furniture he uses as well and I don't look at it as "mine" I want to build a life with him.

I do love him and if there is a way to have a healthy relationship AND be able to focus on my dreams and my business I would want to stay, but he is once again putting everything up to me. He tells me he does love me, but then after I cried and he wanted to just go to sleep early so he can go to work tomorrow, he finally told me that we are just both lying to ourselves and this relationship hasn't gone anywhere for eight years because I am only interested in my what I'm interested in and its about me, and he doesn't get to have interests or figure out who he is. I feel really heartbroken and a big part of me does feel like perhaps this should be the end. We are not married and have no children aside from a cat I would really miss that I bought him for his birthday two years ago that is very close to my other two cats. However, I can mostly make a clean break, but I know It would have to be full NC if we do that. We broke up once 3 years ago and it was a mess and we drove everyone around us crazy with our toxic addiction to each other.

Neither of us are happy, and I told him that I don't want to keep him a prisoner if he is so unhappy with me, and that I won't apologize for being passionate and excited about my business, and that that won't change. He tells me he has no problem with me doing all that but this year is about him for once, and that is why he hasn't had any involvement with my business anymore this year, etc. I told him I want him to be happy too because he clearly stated he hasn't been for a long time is tired of faking a smile. But then he admitted that he does know that he will probably feel good to have some free time at first and not have to answer to me, and pay off some debt and then he won't know what to do and knows it won't last. It's not my problem and I am not staying because I am obligated. I do love him, but I am extremely unhappy and don't feel like I can even get simple help and support for things just to set up this damn house so we can live in it together. I have put in 8 years, and I love him, but I am not sure he can ever be marriage material, or that he will be able to be what I need. I feel so tired. I am so emotional its hard to even get my thoughts clear to write all of this. I just need to make a decision but he is making it difficult because he won't even answer my questions regarding whether or not he will work on some of the things I would like him to work on if we decide to work on this together. He turns it around telling me how he is just free labor to me etc. which is a load of crap and triggers the hell out of me because first of all he is FAR from free as I pay and help support him a lot practically most of our relationship, and I also do my best to be a good gf to him. I do know ultimately I have to decide what I want, but I am worried my wants are unrealistic as ideally I would love to be able to have a healthy happy relationship and marriage with him, AND have a successful business and happy household.

[Shottsy85]

I am usually on the "staying" board, but I am feeling so torn. My BP boyfriend is pushing me to make a decision and he is right I do need to, but it is just so hard. He is leaving it up to me. He has told me he does want to be with me, but then he contradicts by telling me all of these things he feels I don't do, and that he think he is in love with "who I used to be". I am an entrepreneur trying to launch a business and am working very hard. We also just moved. I don't want to get into the whole drama and backstory again, but after he basically attempted to cheat on me with my best friend and was busted, and she decided not to move in with us, I have had one foot out the door. He broke my trust badly, and I stayed anyways wanting to work through things. He knew he screwed up and here and there has tried to make up for it, but we have been fighting worse and worse on and off since the move.

Tonight we had a four hour discussion and fight about our relationship and frustrations all because I wanted him to help me unload my car and move some furniture around. He has been working a lot, and I have pretty much had to arrange and deal with all the moving things including cleaning out our old apartment we are moving from myself. He has helped here and there usually after an argument, where he throws things in my face about how he works all day, and just wants to relax. I want to relax too but I said we are still in the process of our move. Once everything is done being set up we can just live here. It went in circles where he finally spoke about some of his feelings, and he told me he never gets to talk and doesn't feel like I want to participate in anything he is interested in, and that he moved all MY stuff and its all about me and my interests. I tried to tell him that he should look at us as moving together as a team, and what's mine is his. The furniture he uses as well and I don't look at it as "mine" I want to build a life with him.

I do love him and if there is a way to have a healthy relationship AND be able to focus on my dreams and my business I would want to stay, but he is once again putting everything up to me. He tells me he does love me, but then after I cried and he wanted to just go to sleep early so he can go to work tomorrow, he finally told me that we are just both lying to ourselves and this relationship hasn't gone anywhere for eight years because I am only interested in my what I'm interested in and its about me, and he doesn't get to have interests or figure out who he is. I feel really heartbroken and a big part of me does feel like perhaps this should be the end. We are not married and have no children aside from a cat I would really miss that I bought him for his birthday two years ago that is very close to my other two cats. However, I can mostly make a clean break, but I know It would have to be full NC if we do that. We broke up once 3 years ago and it was a mess and we drove everyone around us crazy with our toxic addiction to each other.

Neither of us are happy, and I told him that I don't want to keep him a prisoner if he is so unhappy with me, and that I won't apologize for being passionate and excited about my business, and that that won't change. He tells me he has no problem with me doing all that but this year is about him for once, and that is why he hasn't had any involvement with my business anymore this year, etc. I told him I want him to be happy too because he clearly stated he hasn't been for a long time is tired of faking a smile. But then he admitted that he does know that he will probably feel good to have some free time at first and not have to answer to me, and pay off some debt and then he won't know what to do and knows it won't last. It's not my problem and I am not staying because I am obligated. I do love him, but I am extremely unhappy and don't feel like I can even get simple help and support for things just to set up this damn house so we can live in it together. I have put in 8 years, and I love him, but I am not sure he can ever be marriage material, or that he will be able to be what I need. I feel so tired. I am so emotional its hard to even get my thoughts clear to write all of this. I just need to make a decision but he is making it difficult because he won't even answer my questions regarding whether or not he will work on some of the things I would like him to work on if we decide to work on this together. He turns it around telling me how he is just free labor to me etc. which is a load of crap and triggers the hell out of me because first of all he is FAR from free as I pay and help support him a lot practically most of our relationship, and I also do my best to be a good gf to him. I do know ultimately I have to decide what I want, but I am worried my wants are unrealistic as ideally I would love to be able to have a healthy happy relationship and marriage with him, AND have a successful business and happy household.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi there shottsy,

Sounds like you guys are in a difficult situation and both of you are uncertain as to what is next.  Completely understandable given the circumstances.

He is leaving it up to me.

This doesn't feel right to me.  Feels like he is being avoidant, wants you to bear the responsibility on how things turn out.

Tonight we had a four hour discussion and fight about our relationship and frustrations all because I wanted him to help me unload my car and move some furniture around. He has been working a lot, and I have pretty much had to arrange and deal with all the moving things including cleaning out our old apartment we are moving from myself.

I tried to tell him that he should look at us as moving together as a team, and what's mine is his. The furniture he uses as well and I don't look at it as "mine" I want to build a life with him.

I'm with you on this one.  Moving in together is a big move!  How he is approaching this would make me unsettled. 

Apparently though, others have expressed how for the BPD, this closeness can cause them anxiety and to feel the need to create distance.

So is it possible to let things settle for the week and then revisit the concerns?

Why do you feel that it is up to only you to decide?

[Loosestrife]

It,sounds like he's waiting for you to end it. Can you really trust him again after he has cheated?