Possible Custody Battle Looming

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Backround: Divorced finalized Sept 2014.  We live in GA.  We have joint custody however I have kids 18 nights to her 10 during the school year and we split 50/50 time during summer. I have final say on EduacTion and Extra Currlicular she has on medical and religion.  EX is uBPD. She Has already remarried. Currently not working. The financial agreement is we split all kid expenses 50/50 and there is no set $ for monthly support.  He owes me around $2500 in unpaid expenses.  I have to front most kids education and medical bills and struggle to get some reinbursent from her.

Situation: She continually expresses displeasure in current time with kids and wants 50/50 time throught the year.  I won't budge on giving up my time as I don't feel it's in best Intrest of kids for all the reasons of her being a uBPD and her new husband had child welfare fare called on him by his ex wife and apprent documented anger issues where he had punched holes in doors and walls in front of his own kids. His wife fled state and he does not see his own kids.

Possible suit: if she decides to try to sue me for more time does she have an uphill battle since I have more time currently, have stable job, etc, etc?

My fear is that her new husband who supposedly has money (he owns a construction company) gives her money to take me to court to change the current PP and SA.  There is really no cause for a change other than she wants more time. How do judges look at these types of cases.  What are the odds she could get something changed?

Or is she just posturing when she says "don't say I didn't try to work something out" which comes off like she plans on suing me.  She has successfully gotten me worried hence my post.  I have about 10k in liquid cash that I have saved to get out of an apartment with the kids 3 of them (12,10,6) and into a house.  Would hate to have to blow that cash fighting a custody war. 

Thoughts on my situation?

Thank you.

[Gmoney]

Backround: Divorced finalized Sept 2014.  We live in GA.  We have joint custody however I have kids 18 nights to her 10 during the school year and we split 50/50 time during summer. I have final say on EduacTion and Extra Currlicular she has on medical and religion.  EX is uBPD. She Has already remarried. Currently not working. The financial agreement is we split all kid expenses 50/50 and there is no set $ for monthly support.  He owes me around $2500 in unpaid expenses.  I have to front most kids education and medical bills and struggle to get some reinbursent from her.

Situation: She continually expresses displeasure in current time with kids and wants 50/50 time throught the year.  I won't budge on giving up my time as I don't feel it's in best Intrest of kids for all the reasons of her being a uBPD and her new husband had child welfare fare called on him by his ex wife and apprent documented anger issues where he had punched holes in doors and walls in front of his own kids. His wife fled state and he does not see his own kids.

Possible suit: if she decides to try to sue me for more time does she have an uphill battle since I have more time currently, have stable job, etc, etc?

My fear is that her new husband who supposedly has money (he owns a construction company) gives her money to take me to court to change the current PP and SA.  There is really no cause for a change other than she wants more time. How do judges look at these types of cases.  What are the odds she could get something changed?

Or is she just posturing when she says "don't say I didn't try to work something out" which comes off like she plans on suing me.  She has successfully gotten me worried hence my post.  I have about 10k in liquid cash that I have saved to get out of an apartment with the kids 3 of them (12,10,6) and into a house.  Would hate to have to blow that cash fighting a custody war. 

Thoughts on my situation?

Thank you.

[Nope]

First, I agree that she could be posturing. Some people with BPD use any threat they can come up with to keep us worrying. My step kid's BPD mom does this all the time. She can hardly have even an email conversation with my DH without threatening Contempt charges. So far though, it's come to absolutely nothing. As your ex isn't working it also sounds like she may have poor follow through. So even if she means it she may not be able to hold it together well enough to complete the process. As for her husband, even if he has money he may not necessarily want to spend it fighting you in court over kids that aren't his. (DH and I are dealing with the same questions about his ex's new boyfriend who also supposedly has money.)

Regardless, it's best to have a plan in place for how you will react if she does take you to court for more time. Can you prove through documentation that she owes you for the kid's medical bills? Can you prove you've tried to give her timely copies of these bills? If she is choosing not to work that doesn't negate her financial responsibility. But that may be an uphill battle in GA. Still, it's worth mentioning.

More importantly, can you prove her husband is unstable and a danger to the children? A background check may turn up a few things that may help. This is your strongest and probably most easily proven point for why the kids shouldn't spend a lot of time over there. Proving that there are significant undiagnosed mental health issues with their mom that negatively impacts the kids is probably the most expensive way to go. But a conversation with a respected local Lawyer is always your best bet when trying to form a workable strategy.

Since it's best for the kids for them to have as much time as possible with you, perhaps if you do go to court you should consider asking for more time. Isn't it more compelling to say "For all of these serious reasons, it would be more beneficial for the children to spend more time in my home" then it is to say, "For all these serious reasons, it's best that nothing changes."? That way, maybe worst case scenario, nothing will change. Best case scenario, you get more time.

[Gmoney]

As far as follow thru and getting money from new H you may be right.  Per the SA I owe Her 75K from my 401k however it's her expense to get the QRDO done to get that money and even tho she complains about being broke she has not done anything to have the QRDO prepared.  If the new Husband was going to give her money you would think her would give her the 2k to get that done since there is a guaranteed return on investment.  in addition he hasn't spent any money as far as I know to fight his own custody battle to see his kids who now live in California.  As far as documenting expenses I do have sent emails with bills and spoke to my attorney about it at a cost of a half an hours worth of billing rate to find out that it cost me about $1500 in attorney fees to try to collect $2500 from her so obviously the juice is not worth the squeeze at this point.

As far as proof of his domestic violence I've got county records where the wife filed temporary straining order and where the school called DCHS because of bruises on the kids arms found out that ex-wife's Facebook page where she posted pictures for public view with holes in doors and walls or she claims that he punched through in front of children because it is violent temper and even broke a chair and a half. 

Unfortunately the case was never sought to conclusion because by the looks of the timeline divorce was final in She fled with the kids to California. Before the family violence case being finalized and still listed as open in the county records.

Thanks for your reply though because you can help put my mind at ease with posturing threats I'm just trying to get under my skin which at this point Which appears to be the case but I'm still trying to document everything and be ready just in case that legal battle has to happen.

[livednlearned]

Possible suit: if she decides to try to sue me for more time does she have an uphill battle since I have more time currently, have stable job, etc, etc?

I think there are two things.

One is whether she can filed to request a change in custody. Yes, she can do this.

Two is whether she will be successful. This is much harder.

Most courts do not want to change the status quo. You'll see the language "modification of custody requires a substantive change in circumstances." And the definition of "substantive" is left largely to interpretation. But my experience is that it requires a lot, and your ex is not likely to have much she can point to in order to justify the request.

I agree with Nope about the new husband, too. He may have lots of money, but he let go of his own kids, or had them taken from him. He doesn't sound like someone who is motivated to do whatever is necessary to keep his own kids around, much less the children of someone who has access to her kids. He may in fact like the fact that they aren't around much, especially if he has a temper and is easily triggered.

EDIT: Also, you have majority time, and you're the dad. Somehow, you ended up with this, a testament to what the court found to be best for the kids (unless you sorted this out in mediation). If you were awarded this custody order by a judge, it will be hard to reverse this without a lot of evidence that you are unfit. Which you aren't. And my experience is that judges are very respectful of the decisions that other judges make. Judges are considered "supreme witnesses" -- that's what they are called here where I live, at least by the appellate court. The system breaks down if judges willy-nilly make changes, so they are averse to doing that.

[Gmoney]

Thanks for the reply. Never went to court. Never went to mediation. We agreed on what we wanted and my attorney drew up the SA and PP. She had her Attorny review it.  We both signed it and then it was signed off by the judge.  I thought it was all too good to be true

Without a legal fight or meditation.  I agree on the point about maybe the new H doesn't want kids around.  I won't lie and say I enjoy the little kid break each week to spend time with my GF kid free and can focus on just her and I.  So yeah he may enjoy having the majority of time alone with my ex until he becomes her new target. . But with that being said I would take my kids 100%'of the time in a heartbeat if I had the chance to. Because they are what's most important to me.  And as my ex get worse with her BPD it may come to that as the kids get older and start to see and recognize things on there own. 

Feeling better about all of this. Thank you so much.

[ForeverDad]

Courts, lawyers and the entire system prefer settlements and generally prefer to keep the status quo.  So don't feel guilted or pressured to settle.  Maintain your boundaries, that your majority time is is best for the children.  You have the parenting history on your side.  And LnL is right, I recall my court quoting case law where the judges wrote that they didn't want custody to be something always contested over and over or custody bouncing back and forth with each losing parent returning to court claiming "Now I'm the better parent."

The order you have - majority time during the school year - is what I have now.  When we separated she got temp custody and majority time.  It took about 8 years to get where I am, with baby step improvements from court every 2 or 3 years.

I believe you have good reason to use ex's H's history if a case is filed.  Probably you have good reason to be concerned about him but likely haven't done anything without incidents.  Court views risks as intangibles, seldom are risks seen as actionable - until it happens.

[Gmoney]

Great points and thanks for sharing your experience.  My ex was just remarried this Jan. So they hasn't been much history with her new H living with my kids.  As of now he has not shown his temper or acted out in front of my kids that I know of.  My two boys are old enough to tell me if something happens.  I have told them since day one that I'lf there mom ever says don't tell dad about xyz then that's a red flag and they should run to tell me what xyz was. 

[Gmoney]

Well she filed!  Looking for time modification.  Haven't seen the whole filing yet. My heart is racing and my gut knew it was coming. On the bright side I can go after a fox child support number and full custody and whatever else that would suite the kids best intrest.  I hate on having to dump money into this but it is what it is.  Damn just a setback. 

[ForeverDad]

Often, courts have a policy not to make changes to orders for a year or two.  Might be wise to determine how your courts handle filing so soon after the decree.  It may be that the court will decline to take action this soon without a substantive "Change of Circumstances" finding by the court.  Did she file for only time modification?  Or is she seeking to become Residential Parent or seeking primary or sole custody?

[Nope]

Remember, she is on the offensive and you are on the defensive. Yes, you will need to do certain things to safeguard your parenting, but if for right now the status quo works for you, then there is no reason not to drag this out as long as possible. The longer you drag it out in ways that don't wrack up lawyers fees, the more you'll wear down the opposition and the more time you have to work on how you want to make your case. Usually, it's the BPD ex that drags their feet because things are better for them in the meantime.

Things that can slow down the process include insisting on mediation. Sure, nothing will get accomplished but if you can get a continuance granted based on wanting to mediate then that can add a couple of months up to the proceedings. Another trick is taking your time finding just the right custody lawyer. If you find one two weeks before the furst pretrial and they won't be available the day thw court has it set then you'll need a continuance.

In the meantime make sure you are documenting everything you can and digging up as much info as possible. In my case we were on the offensive and the BPD had everything she wanted. So she dragged her feet for three full years. This was very hard and frustrating for us, but at the same time the fact that she has an acting-out PD meant that every month we'd find more critical evidence that really helped our case. In hindsight, we didn't have enough to get the kids in year one or even year two. It took the blatant insanity of year three to make the difference when we finally got our day in court.

[Gmoney]

Spoke with my lawyer.  She is suing for a reduction in child support. Which there is no current set amount. It's supposed to be 50/50 of all kid expenses minus food with the parent.  She is also suing for 2 fridays a month more then she greats.  My lawyer says she won't get the extra days bc it doesn't give me a full weekend at all.  The sad part of the reduction which she will get bc she has been out of work for the last 6 months. Only started working two days ago. However I don't know at what income.   The sad part is of she only has to pay $400 or so dollars a month in child support for 3 kids that's going to hurt the kids.  They have been in Cathloic shook since Kindergarden.  The oldest will be going into 7th, the youngest into 1st.  There is no way I can afford tuition plus medcjal bills, braces, etc with only getting $400 or so a month.  These people are so freaking selfish! I want to scream!   The bright side is I habe education and extra curricular activities.  So I will choice what school district they go to public school.  What a nightmare.   What a nightmare and a change of situation school wise for the kids.  That was the only constant thing was they had was staying in the same school. Now they will be potentially forced to change schools based on what I can afford.  I just want to cry.  SO SELFISH!