Need opinion.i just don't get it.

[Kasina]

Hello everyone,

I have this question which is absurd and is actually a minor detail but u have noticed it along the course of my r/s with my BPDbf .

I have broken up with my BPDbf twice.he did the break up both times.

I have noticed this that soon after he has painted me black and breaks up with me.he puts on pictures of him with me (once) or his pictures taken at  our engagement,or one of his picture that's my fav where he's wearing the shirt or watch that I gave him over his b'da.

Usually my fav pics of him which I took with him wearing my gifts.all over social media ... fb,whatsapp,twitter,viber.

It's not just with me,everytime he breaks up with any of his ex.ge does the same.i know this because I know him since high school and I m well aware of his daring history .

I just don't get that why would he so that?once the person is black in your mind what's the point?

Does he do this on purpose ?or wants to other person by making them remember the good times?so that other person would feel miserable .

Or does he do this to make other person chase him relentlessly while he enjoys with the replacement ?

Or is it because he's pushing away the person but at some level doesn't wanna end the relationship and wants the other person back?or fix it?

Any views ?opinions will be very appreciated .

I have currently broken up with my bf and NC and he us doing this thing again.

After some time he usually takes off that picture.

Thankyou-

[LimboFL]

Just a quick response Kasina. Please understand that NC includes not checking his facebook or any other social media portals. The idea of NC is for you to break free and nothing more. He is putting those pictures up to tease you, because you have gone quiet. He is trying to get a reaction and he is succeeding. In other words, even though you aren't speaking with him or he you, or communicating, he is still controlling your emotions.

I spent last night on this board going through a lot of emotions so I do not say this to be cold or uncaring about the fact that I know you are still detaching but you cannot succeed if you continue to check up on his social media pages.

The next step is to de-friend him on facebook. I have been to hell and back detaching from my ex but every day that passes the FOG lifts and I stop feeling sorry for her and start asking how I let myself be put through so much of what she put me through. This doesn't change the fact that I will always love her and wish that I could have the good person only but as this is impossible, I have to move on and so do you.

NC is for you, not them but it means every single reminder or connection to that person be severed.

You are hurting yourself and allowing this man to control you from afar. He is now waiting for you to reach out to him, expecting that you have seen the pictures. Don't. Cut all ties.

[Kasina]

Hey limboFL,

Thankyou so much not just for the response but for genuinely caring about me and supporting me in staying strong.

I haven't checked up on him since the NC and its been a week today.

He put the pictures on right after he broke up with me and I was chasing him relentlessly asking him why has he broken up with me at that point I thought he was just dysregulated and this b/u was push pull.

I haven't checked up on him after NC.

I was just wondering about this that why he did that.

Thankyou 

[LimboFL]

Turst me, I know how hard it is. Fortunately, my ex and I stopped being facebook friends long before the BU and the likelyhood that I ever see her again, in passing anywhere is incredibly remote. Last time I spoke with her she was planning on leaving town, so I have it easy. I threw away all reminders of her, any pictures I had of her on facebook and deleted her phone number from my phone.

He is toying with you. I can't believe that the woman he is with now is putting up with it but then you and I put up with these kinds of these for years, at least I did.

Don't think about it. As you hear constantly on this site, you can't reason with it, you will never get an answer because we don't know. The most important part, at least to me, is that I know my ex cares and loves me but she can't hold onto that. She doesn't know how nor does she know how to behave in a committed relationship, at least not one where my ethical boundaries are set.

While I completely understand why you are asking these questions, because I had and have a few of my own, as well, you need to try and stop understanding why they do what they do and just come to terms that they do. I actually go through the pages of this site and find lots of answers to questions that I wanted to ask but slowly but surely I am running out of questions. I know that nothing can change, that things can't go back to what they were no matter how many times I wish that I could have the girl I fell in love with, so we have no choice but to say goodbye.

Right now, the girl he is with is likely being tortured with his behavior, unless he is a master of concealment. You are one of his orbiters now and for your own pride and sanity, stay on the path you are on. Know this, if he doesn't get the reaction he wants by trying one way, he will likely try other ways, you just have to stay strong and no react to any of them.

[JRT]

That IS odd... .mine left pictures of me on FB AFTER she blocked me (mutual friends told me) where it would have been just as easy to have deleted them... .not sure if the two are related at all.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Kasina, 

It is hard to know the intention of a disordered person. It could be anything of the things that you mentioned: keeping the pictures up because of the attachment and a sense of self, making you chase him, etc.  

You mentioned that he has done this quite a few times and he usually takes the pictures down. What tends to happen after he takes the pictures down?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Kasina-

Think attachments with borderlines, they're everything, a subconscious reenactment of the attachment with their primary caregiver that they never successfully detached from, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.

So to me there could be a few possible reasons: 1) to keep the attachment alive by broadcasting pics that are significant to your relationship 2) bait, intended to pull on your heart strings so you'll pursue him, proving the attachment is still in place 3) spite, a dig after the relationship ended, a component of making you the scumbag so he can be pristine, the 'painted black' thingy, which would indicate an attachment is still very much in place for him, since he's still using you to off his sht on.

Of course we're guessing and he probably isn't going to tell you, if he even knows himself, but there's what he does and what you make it mean, two different things.  Borderlines don't like to let go of attachments, even if they end the relationship and turn you into a shmuck; those are just ways of dealing with emotions that are too strong to deal with any other way, but the fact that the emotions are strong shows you there's still an attachment there.  You've known this guy for a while, but it's not uncharacteristic for a borderline to contact you long after the relationship ended, as if nothing happened, looking for soothing, assuming an attachment is still in place, even if they made you the worst person on the planet previously.  I know, weird.  Mental illness.

There are no absurd questions BTW.  Congrats on the week without interaction with him and take care of you!

[LimboFL]

An interesting tidbit about the two day recycle that I had last week. I walked in my ex's apt ( it was ours ) and she was wearing a tshirt of mine that I must have left, some little gifts that I had purchased were placed around (they were not there before). It's hard to digest. I won't let it hurt me or make me feel guilty though.

They do care about us, they do keep momentos. If pictures were left up after a break up, it is because there is still a wanting, still a caring but it's all blended in with so much other noise that I don't even think they know.

They don't want to let go of us, it's that simple, especially if we walk away and refuse to stay in contact or "orbit". My ex had her abusive moments but she was sweet and kind too. It was the one foot out the door and the periodic flirting with inappropriate relationships with other men and finally the lining up of the replacement. I got out before they even had a chance to meet a second time. In other words I don't think they are being cruel necessarily, it's just what they know.

However, in Kasina's case, if he put those pictures up after the fact, then I believe he is trying to toy with her. It may not be malicious but rather trying to keep her on the hook, but either way it's wrong. leaving pics up is not as bad and let's face it, if she has a replacement, I have to imagine he doesn't like it very much.

[Kasina]

Hey eaglesjuju,

It's nice to hear from you,how are things at your end?hope everything is well.

Thankyou for replying and I know i can't know what a person with BPD's  true intention behind what they say but since it has happened a couple of times so it got me wondering if its intentional or on a subconscious level... just wanted to know others opinion and if they have experienced the same...

Hi Kasina, 


You mentioned that he has done this quite a few times and he usually takes the pictures down. What tends to happen after he takes the pictures down?

To your question ,after he takes the pictures down(to which I usually don't respond )he comes back in a few weeks time and tries to reconcile ...

Thankyou for taking time out to read my post with consideration,really appeteciate it.

Take care.

[JRT]

They do care about us, they do keep momentos. If pictures were left up after a break up, it is because there is still a wanting, still a caring but it's all blended in with so much other noise that I don't even think they know.

They don't want to let go of us, it's that simple, [/quote]
I really think that this is the most 'logical' explanation for some of these behaviors.

Waht do you guys think about this: about 3 or 4 days before mine took off, she began to compliment me profusely... .then she related compliments about me from her co-workers... .then her friends... .then her family. She never really did too much complimenting at all so this was very unusual to the point that it made me uncomfortable. I saw it as she was collecting and reviewing thoughts a lot like Limbo's ex had gathered his gifts. Weird... .

[EaglesJuju]

I am doing well Kasina thank you for asking. 

To your question ,after he takes the pictures down(to which I usually don't respond )he comes back in a few weeks time and tries to reconcile ...

I think that this answers your question.    Patterns of past behavior usually predict future behavior. Since he has done this before, it is indicative of him wanting to keep the attachment. 

[LimboFL]

Eagles is right BUT Kasina, do not allow that fact to change your path. You have to stay resolute and move on. As I have said over and over again, I do not say this lightly. The pain is horrible. You love him as much as I love my ex, but the absolute key is to keep reminding yourself that nothing will change.

You will just stay stuck on this merry go round forever, if you allow him to keep jumping back and forth. He comes back, it's wonderful for a bit, then he leaves you again and your right back where you started. In a ball on the floor.

Nothing on earth would have made me more happy than to be able to have gone back for the recent recycle to find the woman I love somehow "cured", nothing. I wanted it so badly, which is why I allowed myself back in. We just have to realize that despite our deepest desires, we will never get what we want so desperately. This board proves it over and over again and trust me you cannot know how many times, while reading stories from others, I said to myself "my story is going to be different". The hardest part is the realization that the outcome is going to be same every time.

I never want to crush someone else's dream. It is the opposite of who I am. Mine was crushed into smithereens. So my words come from a place of wanting to protect you, not hurt you.

Do not allow him back in!

[Kasina]

Hi fromHTH,

Thankyou for the reply and trying to making a sense from the twisted thinking if someone's with BPD.it really helps sometime thinking about these things,you don't necessarily get an answer or understand all of it but eventually run out of em and make peace with yourself.

I honestly don't know why he did that weather to suck me back ,control me or to maintain some kind of attachments in place (even though it doesn't make sense because he is already with the replacement ).

I really don't know and even though I m trying to detach from the r/s I to some level still feel connected to him.

There are no absurd questions BTW.  Congrats on the week without interaction with him and take care of you!

Thankyou for this,I really needed it.i have to stay strong and hopefully things will be alrigh with time.

[Kasina]

Hey limboFL,

I understand what you are trying to say to me and guiding me through you wish for me to stay strong and let things be the way they are and get on with myself and my life because you have tried everything you could to save your r/s and nothing went well.

You are talking from your experience and I do believe that you genuinely wish me well and trying to keep me away from hurt ,I really appeteciate it.i do.

However I feel that I really love this person and even though I haven't changed my decision of detaching from this abuse but I honestly keep thinking about giving it another Chance but I wanna be sure if I am really strong enough to do so.

I went NC for myself so that I can detach from this person and then think it through that weather I want this or if I am strong enough and do I have understanding of this disorder and if there are things that needed to be changed on my part.

The point of this NC is to get a grip of my emotions and myself and decide what I really want?i have been posting on different boards on staying and improving board as well.

So that when I walk away from this r/s I be sure it's for the best I can't do anything about it.

I have been thinking about the r/s what could I have done differently ... I did invalidated him at times... I was weak at using SET and even though I knew that we shouldn't jade but I did alot jade.

I read about the tools I tried to implicate them but I myself was not feeling well emotinolly.

Not all cause because of some off my own issues,my college a few things I needed to take care of which I m taking care of right now... so that I be a stronger person in future .not for him but also because of 'me'.

It was too much for me to take care of myself and him both at the same time.so for now I am taking care of myself by detaching and if he came back hopefully ... just maybe I will be in a better shape to deal with him.

Why am I thinking this way?because this is a kind of r/s that didn't weakened or got worst after every recycle but instead it got much much better... he trusted me more,he loved more and it was less hurtful ... I m not saying that was right for him... he did wrong to me there's no denying that... what I m saying that with every recycle he and I both understood eachother and loved eachother better.

Then this question rises  why did he b/u with me on the first place?

Well the answer is ... because he is BPD.thry fear of having what the really want.they fear intimacy...

If it wouldn't have been this hard if he could have dealt with his emotions like every non.

The first time when he broke up with me it was cause I did sth really horrible but he didn't break up right away... he broke up with me the hard way on purpose to punish me for what I did before (not fair again but he's BPD).

I m not defending... I don't even know if I want him back but I m thinking about it... I just want to analyze it in both ... good light and bad...

I m still finding my way out of this... all opinions are appreciated.

[LimboFL]

Hi Kasina,

I understand all of these feelings you have, I do. It continues to be a diminishing battle, for me, to pull away from my deep compassion for the hardship my exBPDgf has lived with and lives with every day. Right now I am slowly pulling out of the FOG and not only seeing the red flags but also where I participated in complicating the relationship. My biggest disappointment was not being able to control my emotions when I was being belittled, that if I had learned what I learned at the end, which was to say nothing and not react, that I could have calmed her seas much more easily. Her devaluing did, however, chip away at my own solid foundation and so even when she was trying to be helpful, my brain read it as belittling.

In the end, while I contributed to the break down, I also question if I had been with a non disordered person, would I have reacted with more emotion than usual? Was the stress of orbiters, inappropriate comments about other men, her disappearing acts, just too much and ultimately unacceptable? Yes, they were. This is not how a loving partnership should work. One partner should not simply do and say as they please, while the other follows the "rules" of a committed relationship.

You are feeling guilty and I have to. I am no longer allowing myself to do so, because disorder or not, so much of my emotional stress was a direct result of dealing with the push/pull, the devaluation and so on. All of this while dealing with my own personal stresses. Work, son, ex wife etc. A partner should help not complicate. We don't live in a perfect world so it would be ridiculous to expect any relationship to be perfect and without argument or stress, but even if it is just negative energy, if it becomes a constant... .

Ultimately, though, as I have mentioned before, I would have just kept trying and working and learning. I was like you ready to be the one who stuck it out. All of this changed when my eyes opened to the lies and when she started lining up a replacement, I simply would not subject myself to that additional and very acute pain. If it was that easy for her to lie and to jump to another, then even if that ended and she came back to me, there would just be a perpetual threat that it would happen again and I cannot subject myself to that, no matter how much I love the person. Fidelity, trust and loyalty are simply too important to me. I give it and expect it. She decided she was bored and wanted to have some fun, after I spent 4 years pulling her out of a very bad situation, providing a calm, stable environment that she thanked me for many times. I could go on but this is simply not acceptable. Once you allow someone to do that to you, first it means that they have the capacity to do it again, but also when we forgive them, they believe that they can do it again and again and that we will always be there for them, after they have had their fun or whatever it is they are having.

However, you need to come to these decisions on your own, as I did. I had many saying, it's unhealthy, you are losing focus on everything else. You should walk away etc. I didn't listen to the advice either because I needed to come to my own decision based on factors that mattered to me. This is what you need to do and I respect that.

Stay strong, focus (because I need to as well) and I hope you get what you want and get the answers you seek.

[apollotech]

Kasina,

As many posters have already stated, the pictures are his way of maintaining the attachment to you. At some point in all of these relationships the Non becomes fully objectified; the Non is no longer an autonomous, conscience, living being with his/her own thoughts/emotions/beliefs/etc. but rather an object created by the pwBPD (This is why there are no gray areas when dealing with a Non; we are either black or white as created by the pwBPD.). This process begins in the very beginning of the relationship in the idealization stage (No Non is/was ever as great as he/she was made out to be by the BPD partner. This too is a manifestation of the disorder.). Since you have gone NC I suspect that the pictures are a substitutive object to maintain the attachment with the real object (in his mind), you. By your own writing, when the substitute (the pictures) is no longer sufficient to meet his needs, a re-engagement is attempted. As others have posted, a pwBPD is very attached to trinkets and mementos, but said items are substitutes. It is a sad testament to the life of a pwBPD as the real person, the Non, was so much a part of their life at one time. Now they have trinkets.