So I am not making that up?

[is that normal?]

Hi. I am brand new to this site. I am 47 years old and I have just come to the realization a month ago that my mom has uBPD.

I went no contact two months ago. I went to visit her. Our conversation became heated when she asked me why no one comes to visit her.

I have seven siblings. Like 20 nieces and nephews... .all amazing, smart, self sufficient individuals... .

My sister who is the golden child is very intertwined with uBPDm. My sister, BIL and their three kids are the only ones who kiss uBPDm ass because she has lots of money and they will inherit everything. To my mother they are everything because they cater to her every sick whim.

My last visit with her was the final act of this 47 year play... I saw the evil smirk. She asked me why none of her kids visit her... .i said "well mom, the rest of us, the other kids, we feel as if we do not matter to you." I looked at her the entire time... .hoping for a little remorse... .like maybe she would say 'wow... how did i mess up? How can I fix things?'

NOPE. A SMIRK. ALMOST A SMILE on her face.

It all came back to me in that moment. That SMIRK. I saw it soo many times throughout my life. I stood up, I told her she is one sick b... .tch and walked out that door knowing that was it for me. I WAS FINISHED.

I have an 11 year old boy and I love him so much. I look at him, I hug him, I tell him that I love him. About three years ago I started asking him if he felt loved. He would say "Yes mom, I do feel so loved!"

I ask him that question every so often and he always responds with a "yes".

I never never felt loved as a child by my mother. Several of my other siblings who have gone NC state the same.

That is enough for now. I have peace in my heart for the first time in my life. I am not messed up, everything that goes bad is not my fault, I am not a trouble maker, I am not stupid, I did not start fights.

The fog has lifted. YIPPEE!

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, is that normal? &

Gee... .I'm really sorry about how that conversation with your Mom turned out; it's pretty infuriating when you bare your soul to a loved one and have that person discount how you feel. Especially with a smirk--my Mom isn't BPD, but my Mother-In-Law is undiagnosed BPD, and each one of her 5 kids and their spouses have seen that reaction during a very sincere, truthfully emotional try at a conversation with her. It's awful 

I'm glad you are feeling positive about your future, and I hope you get a chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page. The Lessons and the Survivors Guide are very helpful in navigating the feelings tangled up with our past relationships with our BPD family members. I'd also like to recommend that you check out our Feature Articles (which are also linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the Coping/Healing Board's thread listing page). You will be amazed at the wealth of information there that will speak to you, enlighten you, and give you food for thought... .

I'm so glad that your own son is confident of your love, and loving you back. It's a satisfied, warm feeling to know that we have overcome our upbringing and pasts to help our children not have to go through what we did, have to feel how we felt. Progress in the world that we help to make happen

Is your Dad still around? Are you close with most of your family and their kids? Please hang around and tell us more of your story, and read all you can... .We're happy you found us, is that normal? 

[funfunctional]

Tough thing to realize.   I would say that you have a big family despite and are very lucky to have such a big family with all those nieces and nephews.   Sounds like you have some siblings you do get along with too.   

It is always a disapointment when we have an expectation which is completely normal of what we want our mother to be like.   We want to feel loved and have a relationship.    You are turning things around with your son and making sure he feels loved. Good for you.  Your mom's unloving behavior has pointed out to you the importance in your own mothering of your son.

I wish you the best and I do believe you have enough people in your life that you and your own family will flourish & share.  Focus on that.   

[is that normal?]

Thank you for Raptreader and fun functional for your response. I cannot stop myself from googling sites on BPD mothers... .it has been almost two months and I feel like I have struck gold in discovering that my mother's sick behavior IS NOT NORMAL.

Here is one horrific scene I witnessed as a child... .

My father had a dog that he loved... his name was Smokey. I was maybe five years old... my mother put several of us kids in the car along with Smokey... .she drove to the next town to a dead end street and let the dog out of the car and drove away. My father came home from work and kept calling for his dog. We were told not to say anything. We were little, we listened to her. My father looked for that dog for weeks... .he never knew what happened to his dog. My mother had a smirk on her face when he would leave the house to look for his dog.

It took me 47 years to finally see the evilness of her ways.

More to come. My heart aches right now for my father. He passed away in 2006.

[Spruce927]

I'm sorry for your struggle and I can instantly relate when you say that your mom has someone under her spell with money.  My mother has a lot of money (both from her business and her big alimony check from my father.)  She uses it as a tool to maintain control and to pick a favorite child.  Before I cut off my mom she would say "the entire will goes to you NOT your sister"  or "when I'm gone its all yours."  Even when she recently bought properly she said "and your name is on the deed."  It's like she wants you to know she has money and that when you are on HER side she will makes sure you can have some (but basically only when she's dead.) 

Money is a big focus for my mother.  Something that she spends a lot of time thinking of.  Something she spends a lot of time protecting.  Something that does not make her happy and she never has enough of.  Her settlement check is almost more good than bad for her.  She talks about how she could have gotten more and obsesses over how much is "gone." 

After cutting her out of my life, most of her correspondence with me has involved money.  "The bank accounts are out of your name."  "Your name is off the safety deposit box."  "Everything in my will is now left to Declan who is my sisters 1 year old child. My sister has been no contact with her for almost 3 years.  She's never met her grandson. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is POWER to you for walking away.  Your sister who does whatever she says/wants for this money pay off is making a huge mistake.  I too could have stayed in my mothers life for this large pay off but NOTHING is worth the pain and chaos that a borderline mother brings into your life.  No amount of money can take away the stress toll they take.  I don't care if my mother never gives me a dollar.  The freedom is worth much more.