'The Body doesn't lie'

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Really simple thread here. I just wanted to get thoughts on this saying.

As I pointed out in my last thread, my ex now looks 20-30 pounds heavier, and her teeth are very yellow. Her smile looks broken, and her eyes say to me "I'm in Hell"

Yet, of course, she's brainwashed herself to believe that of course I was the cause of all of our problems. For her= Her mind is made up (everything was MY fault), but her body is not agreeing.

As I've also pointed out, since the drama ended, I've lost 30 pounds, have significantly less anxiety, so on and so forth. For me= My mind still wonders if I did wrong, if I'm to blame. I feel guilt, longing, etc. But my body is telling me I'm doing right.

As it was told to me "Her body looks like it reacted like "what the heck just happened" " When showing the before/after pics of her.



So, Is there credence to the saying that the mind lies, but the body doesn't?

[Reecer1588]

Really simple thread here. I just wanted to get thoughts on this saying.

As I pointed out in my last thread, my ex now looks 20-30 pounds heavier, and her teeth are very yellow. Her smile looks broken, and her eyes say to me "I'm in Hell"

Yet, of course, she's brainwashed herself to believe that of course I was the cause of all of our problems. For her= Her mind is made up (everything was MY fault), but her body is not agreeing.

As I've also pointed out, since the drama ended, I've lost 30 pounds, have significantly less anxiety, so on and so forth. For me= My mind still wonders if I did wrong, if I'm to blame. I feel guilt, longing, etc. But my body is telling me I'm doing right.

As it was told to me "Her body looks like it reacted like "what the heck just happened" " When showing the before/after pics of her.



So, Is there credence to the saying that the mind lies, but the body doesn't?

[Maternus]

So, Is there credence to the saying that the mind lies, but the body doesn't?

My mother's wallpaper on her laptop is a photo she made of my sister, brother and me about a year ago. I look awful on this photo. Unkempt,overweight, badly dressed, my hair was too long. I was so busy with pleasing my ex and her two kids, that I was totally neglecting myself. My body surely told me, there was something wrong with me and my life. But I didn't listen, my focus was on my ex.

[Kasina]

Wow ... I never though about it that way.yes body doesn't lie,I totally agree.

Since lastvteonyears in to my r/s.i have lost so much weight .i have became anorexic and insomniac .

It has even affected my health and also facial features have changed so much .i look very ill and week them compared to last year.

My friends keep reminding me over and over again about it but like Maternus said ...

So, Is there credence to the saying that the mind lies, but the body doesn't?

I was so busy with pleasing my ex , that I was totally neglecting myself. My body surely told me, there was something wrong with me and my life. But I didn't listen, my focus was on my ex.

[Reecer1588]

Yes and guys just to be clear on this: I am also referring to the person with BPD's body not lying.

[Kasina]

Yes and guys just to be clear on this: I am also referring to the person with BPD's body not lying.

Exactly,my BPD bf has diabetes so he looses and gains weight on n off.so can't say much about him.

[StarOfTheSea]

I totally agree with your observation, Reecer. I saw a pic of my exBPDbf and his new fiancee (engaged 6 weeks after our b/u) and he looks like a completely different man, and not in a good way. His eyes are glassy, he's lost weight,  his jaw is tense even though he's smiling, his complexion has an odd purple cast and his eyes look very strange. I even showed the pic to my friend and she noticed all the same things I did, without me saying anything. The body language of those two also said a lot, very tense and she looked like she wanted to bolt.

Contrasted to a pic of us I saved with his arm around me, huge and relaxed smile, my hand on his and us snuggled close, he's turned into a different person. But those eyes in the new pic, those were chilling. Makes me wonder what's going on inside his brain.

BTW, I just wanna say that I look even more fantastic.   I definitely look and feel much more relaxed and serene.

[Reecer1588]

I totally agree with your observation, Reecer. I saw a pic of my exBPDbf and his new fiancee (engaged 6 weeks after our b/u) and he looks like a completely different man, and not in a good way. His eyes are glassy, he's lost weight,  his jaw is tense even though he's smiling, his complexion has an odd purple cast and his eyes look very strange. I even showed the pic to my friend and she noticed all the same things I did, without me saying anything. The body language of those two also said a lot, very tense and she looked like she wanted to bolt.

Contrasted to a pic of us I saved with his arm around me, huge and relaxed smile, my hand on his and us snuggled close, he's turned into a different person. But those eyes in the new pic, those were chilling. Makes me wonder what's going on inside his brain.

BTW, I just wanna say that I look even more fantastic.  I definitely look and feel much more relaxed and serene.

For my uBPDexgf, it's been 42 days of NC. Here's my observations: She's put on 20-30

Pounds. Her teeth are nasty yellow. Her smile looks off. And her eyes have either this look of "I'm nutty and I know it" or "Help me I'm in hell behind this smile"

And like you, this is in start contrast to the innocently happy girl whose on her tippy toes so excited that she just caugh a big fish with me.

In short.

My ex looks broken.

[ADecadeLost]

So, Is there credence to the saying that the mind lies, but the body doesn't?

Plenty of credence to the saying.  I can't definitively say exactly how my dBPD ex's body has responded to the split (as she lives out of the country), but she has acknowledge putting on 10-15 lbs .

I can attest to the realization I've made regarding the influence of outside stresses on my body.  Specifically, I recently became aware of how trends in my body weight have corresponded to people entering and exiting my life.

Here's what I noticed.

2001-2004: Prior to dating my dBPD ex.  Weight varied 175-195 lbs (fattest I ever got was 205 lbs due to freshman 15)

2005: Within 12 months of dating my ex, my weight shot up into the 220s.

Late 2007: Begin working for a very difficult boss (crazy Texan with serious Napoleon's complex, average employee quit within 9 months), weight shoots up into the 230s.  Peaks in the 240s.

2009: Work transfers me out of state.  Same boss, but no longer forced to interact directly on a daily basis (Stress of professional life decreases slightly).  Weight declines into 230s.

June 2014:  Crazy boss sells company to outside investor.  Professional stress drops to zero under new management.  Within two months my weight dropped back into mid 220s.

September 2014:  dPBD ex files for divorce.  6 months removed the scale is reading 185lbs.

So within a year of adding each new source of stress to my life, my body responded by adding significant weight.  The weight maintained as long as the source of stress remained.  Within months of each source of stress being removed, my body returned to an equilibrium in line with it's equilibrium prior to the introduction of the stressor.  

Crazy to think about, but my body was sending me very clear signals the entire time.  I just chose to ignore them.  First, for what felt like love and then for professional security.  I'll be making a conscious point of paying attention to these signals in the future.

[sun seeker]

Hello all 

Yea my dexpbdgf look just as you described. When I seen a pic ofimher and the  replacement. It was not good I mean everything.  Her cloths( normally very well put together) , smile (forced) , teeth yellowing,  just look sad.  I had pic of us during the r/s and compared them and wow major difference. 

Mabey she was somewhat happy in our r/s. Huh. Never would have thought this before.

Great thread guys/gals.

Couldn't shake the thoughts of my dexBPDgf. I had an off day / moment of weakness. Im still N/C . No worries my friends.

[misty_red]

Three weeks after the final discard I saw my exBPDgf again. Her face was puffy and red, everywhere on her body weird red dots and some pimples, scratches etc. Must've been her drinking and bingeing. She looked like ___ (I don't mean this to denigrate her).

Anyway. This made me reach out to her and break NC once again. So knowing or assuming that they feel bad and then getting your hope up doesn't help at all. I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh, I really don't want to. It's just the exact signs that made me break NC multiple times and prevent me from detaching because I believed she still needed me or wanted me or whatever and was only too proud to say so. So please just don't make the same mistakes I did.

[HappyNihilist]

Some people eat when they're depressed, some when they're stressed, some when they're happy... .it depends. My exBPDbf would gain weight when he was feeling comfortable and happyish (he equated happiness and food a lot). I usually completely lose my appetite and therefore lose weight when I'm stressed or really busy - I eat more and gain weight during depressive episodes. Some people also just struggle more with their weight than others, for a wide variety of reasons.

Yes, in general, our stress and inner turmoil will show up physically somehow - weight changes, sickness, the tightness in our eyes, skin conditions, headaches, what have you.

And I know I can certainly tell which pictures of myself were taken during depressive episodes, for instance. Even if nothing else physically is different, there's a look in my eyes that speaks volumes. But then, I know myself intimately  - so I know what I'm seeing.

Eyes may be the windows to the soul, but we don't always have the full story behind what we perceive, and of course our perceptions can often be colored by what we want to see.

It's sort of like how eyewitnesses to crimes are notoriously prone to giving inaccurate testimony - our brains naturally fill in gaps and operate on assumptions, leading to perception biases that color how we interpret and remember things. We think things should be a certain way, or we want them to be that way, or we've convinced ourselves that they are that way... .and so we view things through the lens of that bias.

It seems important to you that your exgf is somehow falling apart, "disintegrating" as you referred to it elsewhere. Naturally, then, you'll be looking for evidence of that, and processing things through that particular filter. The truth is that, if she does have BPD, then she has ahead of her a lifetime of desperately trying to keep from falling apart, and not always succeeding. It's not an enviable life.

The more important question - because it brings the focus to You - is this: Why is it important to you for your ex to be falling apart? What does this mean for Reece? Is this beneficial to your healing process and well-being?

[mitatsu]

For the first time in 8 months whilst watching a TV show on my own i laughed out loud at a funny scene that says it all for me and body wise whilst i still weigh close to my recent 'unhappy times' weight my clothes fit better (i'm a big rugby build guy 260lbs) and my energy and lust for life is back... .my workmates say i'm no longer the big sore headed grinch 

[Reecer1588]

Happynihilst:

If my ex is falling apart than all those horrible things she told me at the end were not true. Also- cosmic karma, she put my through hell good that she's (or at least her body) is going through it, too.

Beneficial for my well being? I would say, no. Just makes me laugh in a sadistic way.

Healing wise I would say this does help for me. She no longer even resembles well the girl I dated. That's a big step for me

[JPH]

One thing that I remember well is how much more restful and consistent my sleep pattern became after a period of time of no contact after I broke up with my ex-BPD girlfriend. I felt ten years younger after about a year away from her sphere of influence.

[Reecer1588]

One thing that I remember well is how much more restful and consistent my sleep pattern became after a period of time of no contact after I broke up with my ex-BPD girlfriend. I felt ten years younger after about a year away from her sphere of influence.

Yes. This. Sometimes I'll stay awake for a while ruminating, but my sleep patterns are good for the most part. The only thing is, is that I keep having recurring dreams about her leaving me. Last night I dreamed that I was running up to her in a car begging her to talk to me, but she coldly and indifferently didn't say anything. It was a dream that wasn't too far from what actually happened. When these bad dreams stop occurring, I'll be glad

[JPH]

I remember those recurring dreams. They're certainly unpleasant. Mine were quickly replaced by nightmares after she began stalking me and filing false charges. That was PTSD territory for me. Those lasted for years. One time - about three years after I last spoke to her - a neighbor banged on my door about 2 a.m. She had a small grease fire in her kitchen, but her banging on my door while I was in deep sleep freaked me out. My body went into instant panic mode.

[HappyNihilist]

If my ex is falling apart than all those horrible things she told me at the end were not true.

What exactly do you mean by this? Her remark that she was "happy she'd eliminated you from her life"?

That was a very hurtful thing to hear, I know. But why does it matter if it was true for her or not? Why is this important to you?

Beneficial for my well being? I would say, no. Just makes me laugh in a sadistic way.

Do you feel like laughing sadistically at someone you care about is helping you heal?

Healing wise I would say this does help for me. She no longer even resembles well the girl I dated. That's a big step for me

How is her appearance "a big step for you"? I don't understand how the two are related?

I know I'm asking you some blunt questions, but I think it's important for you to start focusing on and taking care of yourself, Reece. It's natural to have obsessive, ruminating thoughts about our exes, especially in the first couple of months. We can use these thoughts as a gateway into ourselves and our own feelings, by reframing our ruminations and questions.

We all want the best for you. 

[Reecer1588]

Thank you very much for your considerate and thorough responses, HappyNihilst.

I think sometimes I just write down on here my "raw emotional thought" rather than what I'm "consciously thinking"

The truth is, is that I know in no way does her gaining weight, not keeping up her hygiene, etc. help me to heal.

I mean, when I first saw the news, did I have a "SERVES YOU RIGHT B****" moment? Oh yes, I did. But that didn't last long.

You're right about everything you posted there.

My responses were not an accurate reflection of how I am really feeling, either.

The truth is, I am finally feeling ever so slightly detached now.

By the way, I want to remark, the "I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life" is often what I remark as the most surgically cruel thing my ex said to me. But in all honesty, she said a lot of other things too, the worst being "I don't love you anymore, that's what I haven't wanted to kiss you, that's why I've seemed distant, but I cared about you, thanks for making it easy"

That one probably got to me just as much as the "eliminate" comment.

HappyNihilst, did you ever ruminate on the cruel things your ex said to you? And what did you do in order to let those words go?

I do feel like I'm making progress. If that makes sense. The wound feels less 'raw' now.

Thanks again


Reece