Why do these waves of sadness keep hitting me out of nowhere?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know that there are no real answers to this question but I am trying my best to understand why I can go through a string of hours or even a day, without any emotional reprecussion, feel complete justified and out of woods, appreciating that anything other than a complete end to the relationship was the only path to survival, thanking the stars that I got away and then… out of nowhere find myself completely chocked up, heart broken and in tears.

I go through those moments and then regain my internal composure and am, although shaken, back to my daily routine.   

It’s the grieving process, I know. It’s natural I know, but there are some very eloquent people on this site who manage to encapsulate things so nicely, that I thought I would throw this question out there.

The question has less to do with the grieving itself and more to do with the fact that these emotional releases hit out of completely nowhere.

What is hardest is that just prior to a recent, very short, recycle, I was feeling on top of the world, after only three months, NC. I will again.

Anyway, as mentioned, as I just went through one of these episodic break downs, I thought I might explore it with all of you.

[LimboFL]

I know that there are no real answers to this question but I am trying my best to understand why I can go through a string of hours or even a day, without any emotional reprecussion, feel complete justified and out of woods, appreciating that anything other than a complete end to the relationship was the only path to survival, thanking the stars that I got away and then… out of nowhere find myself completely chocked up, heart broken and in tears.

I go through those moments and then regain my internal composure and am, although shaken, back to my daily routine.   

It’s the grieving process, I know. It’s natural I know, but there are some very eloquent people on this site who manage to encapsulate things so nicely, that I thought I would throw this question out there.

The question has less to do with the grieving itself and more to do with the fact that these emotional releases hit out of completely nowhere.

What is hardest is that just prior to a recent, very short, recycle, I was feeling on top of the world, after only three months, NC. I will again.

Anyway, as mentioned, as I just went through one of these episodic break downs, I thought I might explore it with all of you.

[Invictus01]

Yeah, dude, I can relate. Totally understand where you are coming from. At 3 months NC, while feeling rather good, I broke NC. It was a two text exchange - one from me and one from her. It still knocked me back quiet a bit. It has been 4 months for me now, I still have these bi-weekly breakdowns. I can feel it building up over a couple of weeks and then I am finally in tears one day. Then it goes away. And the cycle repeats itself. I actually went to a psychotherapist to talk myself through this. She told me this is an emotional trauma. I told her that it almost feels like the love of my life died in a car crash or something. She told me - "That's a pretty good comparison" So, while I have no answers to why... .I think you are going through what most people have been through on here. Hang in there, we all will get through this. As they say - "It will be alright in the end. If it isn't alright, it isn't the end"

[rjones91]

I know the feeling, as I have good days and some not so good days. Do you notice these less emotional days while busy doing other things? I tend to be completely ok at work, yet when I get home or on the weekends small bouts of sadness creeps in.

[LimboFL]

I told her that it almost feels like the love of my life died in a car crash or something. She told me - "That's a pretty good comparison"

Thank you, this is exactly what I guess it feels like, trauma and profound loss. The only difference is that you know that they are still out there.

I find myself so bloody frustrated. While she did all of the things that most BPD's do, there was no cops, nothing vindictive, so I don't have the absolute hate that some do for their ex's. She did me wrong so often but it's not the same as one calamitous event, which I guess makes it that much harder. Over the last few days, the FOG has been lifting, seeing things that I knew I saw but that are making more of a negative impact on me, things that i didn't take much notice of while in the FOG.

I work from home, that doesn't help although, next week, I am going to just get out into the field and keep myself out there.

Thanks guys. It is really quite eerie how, between what our BPD's do, say and are and the way we, on the other side, react and process there are just so many identical actions and reactions.

We all walk though life thinking that we are unique individuals but in the end, as humans we are all so damn alike. This whole experience, of learning through BPD Family, reading the experiences of others that are not similar but absolutely identical, has been an incredible eye opener. Just the other day I was reading a thread and it was talking about guilt and one poster said "yeah if bagging your groceries the wrong way or using too much soap to do the dishes is something you believe you deserve to be beaten up for" My head kicked back as these were a couple of absolutely identical issues my ex had with me. I almost wanted to private message the guy and ask him if we were talking about the same woman. Fortunately, it was towards the end of my r/s while my ex and I were still living together and had been for four years. Whew... .

Freaky all of this, it really is, not only the education on BPD but everything.

[tjay933]

after our b/u I could go from normal to instant cry with no reason and no emotional reasoning behind it. my c explained that sometimes we hold in emotions. when we are with our BPD, we keep them in a jar cause we don't dare show any-they will explode at us if we do. eventually the jar gets filled. what happens next? one drop and it's overflowing usually at the least convenient time. we can't control it any more. the jar doesn't stretch. doesn't have to have a reason, it's just overflowed because we didn't deal with the emotions-we jarred them-now we have to learn to empty the jar. yes, it is part of the healing process. and you are not alone in these feelings.

[LimboFL]

Tjay, that is another very interesting take on things. I suspect that it's a mix of the two. There is no question that so much emotion was bottle up during the course of the 4 years, every possible emotion too. It must be a cauldron of every conceivable negative feeling known to man. So it makes complete sense that we need to purge.

It's all so bloody confounding and sad.

Thank you, sir.

[tjay933]

it does get better and easier with time.

[LimboFL]

Thanks Tejay, I know, was kind of there but maybe not. Maybe prior to the little recycle, there remained an ounce of hope, even if I was feeling completely out of the darkness and now, it has come time for me to completely process the end.

As someone said, the idea is to get out and live. I mean I am not sitting in my apt with my shutters closed by any means, in fact, I hit the studio and laid down some tracks and had a blast last night. I tend to be happy at home anyway. However, I need to do more.

I do believe that there might also be a frustration component to these emotions, the frustration that one feels when they just can't accomplish a desired goal, which in this case was to keep the partner they love so deeply connected and on track. The feeling of being robbed of something you saw as so dear to you. Again, back to the cauldron.

Really nice to have you guys out there to toss these thoughts at and to get such astute and valuable feedback.

Thanks again.

[Mike-X]

I have experienced this too. I am doing fine and then I am hit with this intense sense of loss and sadness. I have notice a time or two what might have been subtle triggers.

Once I was checking my email and came across a Groupon for hotels/travel deals. Browsed through it and then deleted it, and then very soon after I was hit by the sense of loss/sadness over the relationship. We had fun traveling together, even after the dysregulation started, and we planned do a lot of traveling in the future, talking about going to different states and countries, etc. In fact, just a few months before she moved out she wanted and tried to book a last minute family cruise. So maybe the groupon triggered the sense of loss, because I still have those positive memories. However, it was just a general sense of loss and missing the relationship, no cued memories of travel, per se. Of course, it could be I misattributed the sense of loss to the ad, but with making the attribution, I was able to accept it, embrace it, and carry on with work.

Another time was on the way home from work. I used to enjoy coming home to see her, and yes even if it meant walking on eggshells after the dysregulation started. So maybe just driving home triggered the sense of loss, because I still have those positive memories. That time I did start thinking about what it was like coming home to her.

So I am thinking that sometimes I encounter triggers of memories of the good times... .   

[LimboFL]

Hi Mike,

At the moment, I only have negative triggers, with regard to the replacement. Those really stink. Similar to yours, she met him while checking out yet another of the places she just had to move to. It was a constant in our relationship, where she was no longer happy here and had to leave and she would just hit me one day with, I am moving to NY or SF or... .any move for me would have been very difficult because I have a 13 year old son here, but I loved her so it killed me every time. When I reacted she would say, no problem you can come visit me in the summer or something to that effect. After having been together for 2 years. Like it would be no big deal to just up and leave me, without a care in the world.

This last one was to a town in the South East. I had just lost a job with a tech start up that went belly up and was now ready to think about moving. We were talking about houses etc. She had an itch and had to scratch it, she needed to see the town. I had to watch my money (given I was still paying most of our bills.), so I couldn't afford to take the trip at that point.  It was her first Air BnB stay. She called me every night with I love you's miss you's.

However she met some guy by accident, one day while out, and had lunch with him. How inappropriate is that? I wouldn't do it, if I was alone, in some town, in a committed relationship. I mean I guess if it was a partner I trusted, it would be fine but not her.

When she told me, after getting home, I didn't make a huge deal of it but said that it didn't really seem right? She told me I was, once again making a big deal out of nothing, yet, who turned out to be the replacement? Him.

The only bonus is that he lives a thousand miles from here, still lives with his "ex wife" and kids. They have met a couple of times out of town. She is planning on leaving town (good) but says it will be to the other coast or whatever.

Sorry, I needed to get that out because you reminded me of association. Anyway, now, every time I see an ad for air b n b I get this anxious punch, the same way I do when I see the state in question.

But I understand the positive associations too, but rather right now they are just memories, because I have kept no reminders of her. I remember some very nice moments, though, but race in my head to replace them with bad ones.

Thank you and I am sorry. These associations, whether they be positive or negative are hellish.

[JRT]

I work from home, that doesn't help although, next week, I am going to just get out into the field and keep myself out there.[/quote]
I also work from home... .I wonder if I had the distraction of people in an office, a work family that knew and was able to assuage me, if that would have better assisted int he coping process at all. Its just fodder for thought... .

I am 6 months out since b/e with NC (her NC) immediate. At the 3 month mark I was still getting hit with this sort of emotion without any real trigger, it just happened as you describe. I am not sure what, if anything happened in between - maybe just time and distance - but I really don't think about HER at all. Consequently, I don't have those feelings of an elephant having sat on my soul or the pit in my stomach.

Now, my focus has evolved in the future and putting my life back together sans fiance'. It's amazing how disruptive this has been and how even minutiae of detail in terms of my life outlook need to be redrafted. If anything, the sad moment that I have are because of the loss of the relationship, not her and anything inherently wonderful that she was or things that she did (interestingly, I found that upon final analysis, there was neither: I was a host and she and her son were parasites, nothing more and nothing less).

Speaking from my own perspective, time doing nothing is the enemy: the mind wanders and it will inexorably find itself right where you don't want you r mind to be. I have tried to fill every waking hour with activity even if it is pointless. This has been a big part of what I have relied on towards making me feel better.

Hang in there

[LimboFL]

With regard to the replacement though, the thoughts now populating my little brain are "hey, good luck buddy, I don't think you know what you have gotten yourself into, if she happens to be moving to your home town, whoa, you in for a rude awakening" =)

[LimboFL]

Thanks JRT! Yes, working from home with plenty of time to think can set the mind running in the wrong direction. I have to fix that, stat.

[LimboFL]

I do miss the communication though, because when everything was calm, it was nice, so much in common. But then something would send things south, inevitably. Sorry, lingering thoughts. That is what I miss. The total package though was just too hard. Thanks for listening.

[LimboFL]

I would like to retract my vindictive comment regarding the replacement.

I am trying to make it easier on myself by picturing a difficult time for them both and this is not who I am. It was a childish knee jerk reaction to my anger and disappointment that, despite my knowing it's the best thing for me, how she could meet some guy, have lunch with him, go back to the hotel tell me how much she loves and misses me that same night and then basically line him up as a replacement, after I spent 4 years doing almost everything, pulling her out of hell, putting a roof over her head, taking care of her dogs, paying the bills which left me with little funds to do the nice things like vacations etc.

Anyway, I don't like that kind of commentary coming from me. I still love this woman despite everything, so I apologize.

[JRT]

Well, you DO have a right to be angry and to express that anger (as long as you don't go and shoot someone or do something crazy). For me, accepting anger and expressing it were the REAL turning point in my recovery. I think that you can still be angry and love her at the same time.

[LimboFL]

Thank you JRT. I am not the type to act. I didn't even snoop on my ex.

I am no push over but I have strict ethical boundaries when it comes to how I treat others.

Thank you for taking that guilt off of my plate. What I might think in my head and what I express outwardly, especially in such a public forum, should be very different and I felt quite embarrassed about that post. I wasn't able to get to the modify button fast enough.  

I am really quite exhausted from this mind screw but you guys are helping me a great deal. Thank you again.  

[JRT]

You are not alone... .

[Copperfox]

Well, you DO have a right to be angry and to express that anger (as long as you don't go and shoot someone or do something crazy). For me, accepting anger and expressing it were the REAL turning point in my recovery. I think that you can still be angry and love her at the same time.

Good thoughts here.  My take on it: Why shouldn't we experience such waves of emotion, of sadness, the cycles?  To experience a full range of emotions, isn't that what it means to be human?  To experience life.  I would think it a great tragedy to go thru life only experiencing joy, or only sadness.  There is no light without the dark.

Of course, that may sound trite in our darkest moments.  But it's those moments that push us forward.  Those moments from which we reflect, from which we grow.  That force us to become who we were meant to be.  If we didn't have them, would it not mean that we're simply repressing the thoughts, the feelings? Burying them deep down beneath. Better to have them, I think.  They are simply signposts that indicate we are on the right path.  That we are not lost.  Annoying as that might be.  Part of the process.

The only way out, is through

[LimboFL]

Thanks Copperfox and JRT, yes, indeed it's part of the process, but I want it to be over. Know what I mean?

I don't think that my grief was this hard core when my ex wife and I divorced after 20 years. She did the same thing to me, found a replacement. But after I got over the initial shock and, yes, pain, at least there I could reason the end and that my ex wife and I had grown apart, were on different paths. No such reasoning here, especially when my ex wife and I did have our issues and worked through them, over the years. There was discussion and admission of guilt and a commitment to work on things. I bore plenty of guilt, for that failure. We both did.

Yes, ultimately it is healthy to feel as we do and not healthy to bury and ultimately not feel, as our exBPD's do. I will come out of this, it's only been a week since the short weekend together recycle where I got love bombed and then she retreated. Proof never to play with fire again, for my own sanity.

Thanks again, gentlemen.

[jhkbuzz]

I've hashed out a few different thoughts about the breathtaking levels of grief I've felt over the past 7 months.

First, I think that much of the roller-coaster of emotions I've felt are a normal part of grieving. 7 months out and I'm doing much, much better, but I can still be knocked off balance by a wave of grief.  It's often triggered by something subtle, as other people have already mentioned.  A Groupon gets me thinking about vacation, then suddenly I'm remembering my memories of a vacation with her... .and then it's off to the grief races! That part definitely has lessened with the passage of time. Triggers typically do start to fade with time.

I think there's also something really positive about our grief.  Our grief is a reflection of the fact that we are not black and white thinkers... .that we can see shades of gray... .the good in our exes (because there was good) as well as the bad. We are unable to split our ex's "black" - it might be easier... .but then we might also be suffering with BPD.

Finally, I've come to realize that experiencing the end of the r/s has been very much like experiencing a death... .but not simply in the "she's no longer part of my day to day life" kind of way.  It's also been the death of hopes I had for my future... .thoughts of what would be.  It's the death of who I believed her to be as a human being... .she was never the kind, good person I thought she was (although she appears to be so on the surface). I once thought she was one of the most selfless people I had ever met; I now know that even her own daughter comes a distant second to her own needs. I thought she was gentle and truthful; I now understand that she will habitually and chronically lie when it suits her purposes.  I understand it's the disorder, but I've still experienced a multitude of little "deaths"; a thousand jabs to the heart as I've moved through the processing of grief.  

But the good news is that as my THOUGHTS about her begin to change and align with reality, and as I accept that reality, the pain lessens.

I understand you want it to be "over" - I do too.  But the only way out is through.

[JRT]

 Know what I mean? I don't think that my grief was this hard core when my ex wife and I divorced after 20 years. [/quote]
Very much!

I am also a divorcee and that was NO WHERE near the painful impact that this has had upon me. I can only guess as to why. Maybe it is because there was open acrimony whit the marriage that portended and anticipated its failure? My BPD r/s was very placid with little if any disagreement or arguing - I was happy. With my BPD, it was sudden and entirely out of nowhere, I didn't see it coming. She cut me off and continues with the silent treatment; I have zero idea of what triggered her or what sustains her profound anger. I treated her exceptionally well to the extent that her circle gave me high marks and compliments regularly.

As if that was not enough to maximize the hurt, she went the additional step to discard my family and friends on social media and convince most of hers that they should do the same. I still have one or two pop up out of nowhere and hurl some incomprehensible vitriol at me!  

I have been reading about these accounts where they resurface months or years later only to insist to their ex Non's that they are happy... .show off their new partner or announce that they are getting married or are pregnant, all for additional hurt!

This from the person that only moments before the fact, you would have stood in front of a freight train for. Yes, I know what you mean. Hang in there, man!

[LimboFL]

JHK, this is why I brought the subject up, because everyone here has their own enlightening way of framing their own experience which furthers my own understanding of my own. A close friend, has used the "death of someone loved" analogy before, but your expansion to include the hundreds of little deaths is very true.

It was not until the end and as we progress that each wall holding up the facade has come crashing down, particularly as it pertains to how we viewed our ex's, their belief system, their values and their ethics. I do appreciate that you said that "there was good". This is probably the hardest hurdle to jump, because like you I did see plenty of kindness, genuine caring and a desire to do good. She fought hard to pull back from her impulses, I saw her work through them, she stopped her drug use on her own (I just provided an environment in which it could be accomplished), she pulled back on her drinking after she got into some serious trouble with the law, that luckily was kicked down to a misdemeanor. Anyway, I am rambling. This is the hardest part though, because regardless of her efforts, I believe it was simply easier for her to succumb to it's pull, than to constantly fight against it.

The ultimate loser in it all was me. By this I don't mean that I feel like one but rather that I am the one being punished. Again, I will be fine, but I can't think of another term to describe what I (we) are going through.

Thanks for sharing your stories. It's shocking how much we have all been and continue to go through.

[jhkbuzz]

It was not until the end and as we progress that each wall holding up the facade has come crashing down, particularly as it pertains to how we viewed our ex's, their belief system, their values and their ethics.

Yes.  Strangely, I think one of the most painful realizations I had was that she wasn't the person that I had, in many ways, looked up to.  It's scary to watch your reality crumble to pieces.


I do appreciate that you said that "there was good". This is probably the hardest hurdle to jump, because like you I did see plenty of kindness, genuine caring and a desire to do good. She fought hard to pull back from her impulses, I saw her work through them, she stopped her drug use on her own (I just provided an environment in which it could be accomplished), she pulled back on her drinking after she got into some serious trouble with the law, that luckily was kicked down to a misdemeanor. Anyway, I am rambling. This is the hardest part though, because regardless of her efforts, I believe it was simply easier for her to succumb to it's pull, than to constantly fight against it.

Resolving that the good (because when it was good, it was good) and the bad (holy ___, it could it ever be bad) was all inside a single person almost split my brain in two. The extremes of "good" and "bad" were difficult for me to amalgamate into a single human being.

The ultimate loser in it all was me. By this I don't mean that I feel like one but rather that I am the one being punished.

I actually said that to my ex once.  That I had treated her better, more kindly, and been more faithful to her than anyone in her life - but I was bearing the brunt of all the ___ed up things that everyone (including her parents) did to her - it felt so effing unfair.

[LimboFL]

JRT, your situation sounds horrible. I am so sorry!

No, my ex and I argued, she was a waif/queen (and I am a pretty strong character when my buttons are pushed), one minute sweet and gentle (or more vulnerable), then ice cold legislator and dictatorial.

She had a very condescending sense of humor, which amusingly enough actually got much softer in the last year. She was proud of being a "bossy bottom" as she called it in, in bed. She wanted to rule in the bedroom and when I didn't comply, because I like my freedom, it could ruffle feathers.

I have to admit that life in the bedroom had been very complicated for me, because within a month of her moving in with me, she tested positive for an STD. That shook me to the bone, but she was honest. I really needed to process it but I very quickly said "I am not going anywhere" she was in bed distraught. I held her and told her that I would be there for her. I was so worried and careful. It further complicated things in the bedroom, but no allowance was made for that acceptance when it came to her bossing me around and then, at times, even mocking me. My ex wife and I had a great sex life.

I know, it begs the question, well what was even good about the relationship. First I preface that I have a very strong constitution, while I do defend myself, very little of her banter stuck for very long. We had very good nights in the bedroom and elsewhere but peppered with some not so good ones.

No what kept me there was what sounds like the lady you had JRT, because that woman presented herself enough to allow me to see inside. It wasn't projecting or idealzing, but rather where she just seemed comfortable to just be. Signs of her constant anxiety were there, which I felt great empathy for, but we would just have those days or evening where the stars aligned. Passion, kindness, caring etc. Not fireworks and love bombing. We just were happy to be together in those moments. No one else in the world mattered.

Within three months of the relationship, I had already been researching and studying up on PD. My first stop was Bipolar but while there were signs, the stages were too slow, so I found borderline (rapid cycling). There were of course signs of other PD's, bipolar was present, anxiety ocd. They all bleed into each other.

In other words, I was aware that many of the harder parts ( and softer parts too) were part of a girl that had lived a very difficult childhood. I only spoke with her Mother on the phone, I believe she was all queen. My ex's Father was murdered when she was a late teen etc etc.

How does one say "uh, this isn't comfortable, I am out of here?" I believed that I could weather the storms and did ( 6 or 7 full blown rages in our 4 years together ) all of the verbal attacks and the rest. I know it impacted me but I am not crushed and remain a quietly confident man. However, I am sure that I have been bottling it all up.

As mentioned, in all of this, which copper framed beautifully, it was catching her in the lying, the orbiters, the inappropriate communication with men and finally the lining up of the replacement that I could not deal with. I ignored the signs of inappropriate communication, because she wasn't a cheat, she just liked the attention but it got to me after a while and essentially pushed me into not trusting her, which did kick me in the gut and then she proved me right.

Sorry, this wasn't meant to be so focused on me, although, it helps to roll it all out. The real point, JRT, is that your situation is heartbreaking and I admire your strength. To have what seemed like a wonderful relationship with a sweet woman end with her leaving completely unexpectedly followed by your being turned black, is very difficult for me to even imagine, given how difficult my own journey has been. I am elated that you are here, that you made it through and that you are so strong. Kudos to you, sir.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[LimboFL]

That I had treated her better, more kindly, and been more faithful to her than anyone in her life - but I was bearing the brunt of all the ___ed up things that everyone (including her parents) did to her - it felt so effing unfair.

I felt this so many times. Why would you want to leave the guy who did none of the things to you that others had? that actually provided a safety zone (she often said "I feel safe with you" - I am not sure I could find a nicer compliment from anyone but especially from someone who has spent so much of her life feeling unsafe). Why would you not at least fight for that? I guess the answers are all over this board, that ultimately safety and normal just doesn't feel comfortable to them. It wasn't the norm as it is for us, the way we want life to be, calm, peaceful.

[JRT]

Limbo

Thanks for that... .I can imagine that yours was not very easy thing to deal with either... .I am not sure what would have been easier: 2 years of rages, deceit and general acrimony or 2 years of a great r/s and then an sudden and unexpected assassination of the r/s. Its like a pound of nails or a pound of feathers; we have all been hit hard with something that we just didn't deserve.

[JRT]

That I had treated her better, more kindly, and been more faithful to her than anyone in her life - but I was bearing the brunt of all the ___ed up things that everyone (including her parents) did to her - it felt so effing unfair.

I felt this so many times. Why would you want to leave the guy who did none of the things to you that others had? that actually provided a safety zone (she often said "I feel safe with you" - I am not sure I could find a nicer compliment from anyone but especially from someone who has spent so much of her life feeling unsafe). Why would you not at least fight for that? I guess the answers are all over this board, that ultimately safety and normal just doesn't feel comfortable to them. It wasn't the norm as it is for us, the way we want life to be, calm, peaceful.

EXACTLY!

[jhkbuzz]

That I had treated her better, more kindly, and been more faithful to her than anyone in her life - but I was bearing the brunt of all the ___ed up things that everyone (including her parents) did to her - it felt so effing unfair.

I felt this so many times. Why would you want to leave the guy who did none of the things to you that others had? that actually provided a safety zone (she often said "I feel safe with you" - I am not sure I could find a nicer compliment from anyone but especially from someone who has spent so much of her life feeling unsafe). Why would you not at least fight for that? I guess the answers are all over this board, that ultimately safety and normal just doesn't feel comfortable to them. It wasn't the norm as it is for us, the way we want life to be, calm, peaceful.

Safety was HUGE for my exBPDgf... .HUGE.  I now understand it's why she stayed with me for so long.  I thought it was love but I was wrong... .in many ways she was like a frightened child.

The reason she couldn't stay was because the mental illness wouldn't allow it.  In BPD everything is upside down and backwards.

[LimboFL]

JRT, I don't think that there is a better or worse. When you invest so much in someone, because you love them so deeply and want to be the one who protects and proves that there are good people in the world, the sudden cut to the heart and the way you life your life is catastrophic. It so incomprehensible and confounding. To be honest, I honestly can't believe where I am right now. I was ready for the long haul and was adjusting the way I reacted to her behaviors and it was having a positive impact. However, without communication shared between the two partners... .the die was cast long before.

She did say to me close to the end, when I asked why, she said "you should have thought about that 6 months ago". What she was referring to was a fight we had when she was visiting family for difficult reasons (Mother had cancer and was dying). I felt shut out of the process. It wasn't about neediness but rather that I wanted to hear from her (I didn't call because cell reception was terrible where she was and I didn't want to call the house line with 3 hours difference for fear that I would call at the wrong time), she expected me to call and didn't call me. I didn't get angry but she did and she demanded I leave our apartment and find another place to move. I ended up having a close old girlfriend (we dated for two weeks when we were 16, I am now 47), we remained close friends and she said that I could move to her city and crash at hers if i needed to, I didn't follow through, I wouldn't have but couldn't because I was taking care of her two dogs and would never... .) but when my ex got back, while we were still very tense she laid into me and I said I had spoken to my friend, across the country and that she was willing to put me up etc. (there is more to this story), man did my ex get angry. She said "what, you were going to move in with your independently wealthy girlfriend and leave me?" I said, you told me to get out, that you wanted me gone... .that I believe was what sent her running for the next 5 months of our relationship.

Again, I am purging, I am sorry. Thanks for listening. It stinks. I didn't want to leave but I had a tech start up go bust on me, my finances were squeezed to the bone, the love of my life told me she wanted me gone, that we were finished, I have no family in the city that I live in, so I had to scramble. I told her that beyond leaving her, I was also having to contemplate leaving my son, that I didn't want to leave either of them.

She told me to leave, she told me it was over... .what was I supposed to do?