My life in the dumpster

[SeaShellz]

I am starting to realize the problem here and it's that I won't leave and end it for good with him.

There are a few great things about our relationship and I do believe that he's a good person at heart, but I am sacrificing MY whole life here for someone who lies, cheats, and steals.

I have spent hours here reading about his problem but maybe the real problem is that I am still with him. I am an understanding and sensitive person. I love him dearly. I have a great amount of sympathy for him. I am still in love with him, but I absolutely HATE the way he acts when he's in his negative, miserable, or angry moods. I have depression myself and I do not want to be brought down by anyone else any longer!

I have never felt such a connection with anyone but I am pretty sure I'll be held down all my life never doing the things I want to do like go to school, have a few friends I can hang out with (without him being right there) and spend more time with my aging mother. He takes all my time outside of work.

I feel like an idiot most of the time for being with someone who has cheated on me twice, lies constantly, and just simply cant understand logic. No one I know truly understands him or what's going on.

We have recycled 3 times in our 4 year relationship and this last time, things were good for about 3 months until he stopped taking his meds and the negative angry monster came back. I am understanding and patient with him most of the time but I'll admit, sometimes he really makes me see red and I let him have it. But that doesn't help. Nothing helps.

When I think of my future, I don't see him in it. When I think of leaving, I remember how it will get. He will destroy the car while I'm packing my things and if I try to protect the car, he will lock me out and I won't be able to get my things. The cops always have to be involved and the neighbors always stare. I knew all this before letting him come back. I get really down on myself when I realize I have made this chaos possible once again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

I am so sorry seashellz that you are going through this. I have worried about the same thing if I ever leave, he's going to destroy something. He did it to his ex... .trashed her house.

It sounds like you have made your mind up. Is that right? If so, looks like the only thing to do is make the exit plan. Does he work?

[SeaShellz]

No ColdEthyl, he does not work. He is on disability for his mental disorder. It is very hard to get away from him outside of going to work... .which he doesnt like me to do either. I have made up my mind about what I SHOULD do... .but my feet arent going in that direction.  

[SeaShellz]

I don't want to walk away from him. I know he will struggle his whole life and there are people that will take advantage of him and hurt him, but I feel like I'm loving him more than myself for making this sacrifice. I don't know where the line is on what he does on purpose and what he can't help. But things are not very fair to me and I know I have to just stop taking care of him and let go.

[ColdEthyl]

I totally understand how you feel. Have you had a chance to read the lessons on this site? It's a great place to start. The biggest hurdle we as nons have is communication with our SO's. Have you experienced issues where you are trying to talk and it feels like you guys are both speaking a different language?

Maybe you are not ready to leave yet. Would you like to try to stay if things could be improved?

[SeaShellz]

I have read a couple of things on this site and I will read more. I have also read many many websites about BPD and I'm halfway through the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

It does seem like sometimes when we talk, we are speaking different languages. Sometimes I feel like he's not listening. Sometimes he doesn't understand what I am saying or doesn't seem interested.

I would love to stay if things could be improved. When we are not having trouble getting along, he is a great companion.

He has a serious alcohol and marijuana addiction and seems to really not be able to tolerate not having one or the other. He lies to his therapist about this. I do not want to be around that all the time and it's driving me crazy that he can't go without it for a day or two.

[ColdEthyl]

I have read a couple of things on this site and I will read more. I have also read many many websites about BPD and I'm halfway through the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

It does seem like sometimes when we talk, we are speaking different languages. Sometimes I feel like he's not listening. Sometimes he doesn't understand what I am saying or doesn't seem interested.

I would love to stay if things could be improved. When we are not having trouble getting along, he is a great companion.

He has a serious alcohol and marijuana addiction and seems to really not be able to tolerate not having one or the other. He lies to his therapist about this. I do not want to be around that all the time and it's driving me crazy that he can't go without it for a day or two.

Yeah that's a whole nother beast, and one I am not prepared to tackle yet. My H drinks almost daily. It's going to be my next hurdle after I get some more of the communication stuff down. Substance abuse is common with pwBPD. My H says he drinks because it slows his brain down. He said he feels like he has 1,000 thoughts going at the same time all the time.

Have you tried any of the communication tools yet? Do you have any specific examples on communication that didn't go well? We can help dissect one of those conversations and identify some of the problems

[an0ught]

Hi SeaShellz,

I have read a couple of things on this site and I will read more. I have also read many many websites about BPD and I'm halfway through the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

It does seem like sometimes when we talk, we are speaking different languages. Sometimes I feel like he's not listening. Sometimes he doesn't understand what I am saying or doesn't seem interested.

I would love to stay if things could be improved. When we are not having trouble getting along, he is a great companion.

reading and understanding is providing a first boost of relief. Further reading and understanding can increase frustration unless the learning is accompanied by practical skill application. From what you wrote you struggle to full understand each other. In the short run he won't improve his ability to express himself so you have to learn his language. Validation is the key to get a better sense of what a pwBPD is expressing and intending. Formulating validating statements is key to get ourselves heard by the pwBPD. Try to experiment with validation and leverage the board here to aid your learning.

He has a serious alcohol and marijuana addiction and seems to really not be able to tolerate not having one or the other. He lies to his therapist about this. I do not want to be around that all the time and it's driving me crazy that he can't go without it for a day or two.

Alcohol can be a serious problem (M to a lesser extent) as it lowers boundaries and is not helpful for therapy.