Need Help Dealing with Passive Aggressive Behavior, Withdrawing and Anger

[virginiawoolf]

In the past 1.5 months my uBPD(x?)bf has changed dramatically. (I've chronicled our background in my introductory thread).

In just 10 days he will be leaving the country for 3 months. He'll be traveling across the world.

Our nearly-2y relationship has always been marked by lots of fighting, make-ups, and break-ups. But even during the breakups (mostly initiated by him -- and they never lasted long) he expressed a lot of love and care. There have been plenty of instances of extreme distress (on his part), and of course anger too, but they seemed so obviously based on his own feelings of hurt or insecurity (rather than true contempt for me). And he always fell back into loving me, and expressing this love for me. A lot of his distress is linked to his own neediness. He called/texted constantly, and would get extremely upset when I missed his calls or wasn't available. He'd often call 10/20/30+ times in a row. I obliged as much as I reasonably could, and beyond. He was clearly panicking/suffering. To this day, he holds against me the times I accidentally missed his calls or was unavailable. The degree of distress/abandonment he experienced during these times has probably blinded him to looking at the individual situations rationally.

His 3 month trip has been looming on the horizon for awhile. It's something he's done before, and has wanted to do again. He finally booked his tickets about 2 weeks ago. He's had a lot of trouble reconciling his feelings toward me (and what he calls his fear of losing me) with his desire to travel. Whenever the trip has come up (which is very infrequently because he is extremely reluctant to speak to me about it), I've expressed support for it. I tell him "I will miss you dearly, but I know that this is something you really want to do, and I support your decision."

Still, he waffled on booking his tickets for many months. I believe he blames me for this. Like I said, he'll never talk about the trip, but then he'll bring it up suddenly, out of the blue:  "I have ambitions! I want to travel! I'm tired of feeling this constant guilt about leaving! I would have left months ago, and I resent you for the fact that I didn't!"

When he finally did book his tickets 2 weeks ago, he did so in secret... .didn't even tell me.

Separate from these very long trips, he travels pretty frequently (trips are generally from 4 days to 3 weeks). I truly don't really sweat these shorter ones, but have noticed that he pulls away from me pretty strongly right before even these shorter trips. Generally he'll try to re-bond with me JUST prior to departure.

To go back to my original point, however, he has been pulling away from me VERY dramatically during the past 1.5 months. It is not how it used to be. I believe he is trying to "paint me black" so that he can enjoy his trip. It's been truly horrible. I don't know what are romantic status is. We are still sleeping together and spending some time together (but not as much). We say I love you to each other. But we are definitely NOT bf/gf. Texts and calls, which used to be constant, are infrequent.  His anger is worse then ever. And his contempt toward me is just growing.

My experience of this is greatly amplified due to the tremendous amount of anxiety that *I* am feeling in the face of his impending departure. Our relationship has always been focused on *his* anxiety, and me soothing him. But now I'm the one who is a mess (and he certainly doesn't seem to be *soothing* me back). I feel clingy and pathetic (though I've tried to release that a bit over the past week or so. I really am trying so hard to hold it together, but I'm seriously questioning my own sanity. Suddenly my own attachment/abandonment issues are rearing their heads in the worst way possible. I feel de-stabilized, and less equipped than ever to deal with his BPD behavior. I'm acting even perhaps a bit desperate in the face of his cruelty and coldness, just because I'm so anxious for us to part on good terms. Whereas he's always been the one to "chase" me (a function of his own fear of abandonment), I now find that I'm doing it back to him a bit. And I feel like he's secretly reveling in it... .perhaps in his mind he's giving me a dose of my own medicine.

I live in a constant state of stress, have lost a bunch of weight, can't sleep, etc. It's really quite bad at this point. He alternates between periods of sweetness (but nothing like what it used to be like), and periods of cold aloofness/passive aggression and extreme anger.

Here is what I'm struggling with this very second. He's been in another city for the past 3 days saying goodbye to his father before he travels (his dad has medical problems and  lives in an assisted living facility there). He's coming back today. Here's how it's been:

Day 1: Seemingly out of the blue he starts being sweet and kind to me. It felt so good. He called me at my work (He used to do this constantly, but would get extremely angry the few times I wasn't able to pick up and talk to him there. For past 1.5 months he rarely calls me). So he called yesterday, and I gave him some support over the phone, the way I always do. He sent me extremely nice text messages later, appreciating how sweet I was to him on the phone, etc. He did a few other cute things. In his final text that day, he mentioned that tomorrow we could talk about a 2-day getaway we are supposed to take next week, just before he leaves. He also mentioned that he, his dad, and I should skype tomorrow. Everything was great up until that text from him. I fear (now) that, unintentionally, my texted response wasn't warm or kind enough (I'd said: "That's nice to hear... .We can try maybe... .Love you".

Day 2: He called me at my work around noon, but I missed his call. He didn't leave a message or text. I had an extremely stressful day, and as happy as I was to be hearing from him I was reluctant to engage in playing my usual "supporter" role to him while at work because I had so many deadlines to meet. I figured if he really needed something he would have texted or called again (because this is how he's always been).  But I didn't hear from him again. I text him at end of my work day: "Hey, hope everything is going OK with your dad today... .". He responded "It's good actually." (definite change from his more loving/open tone the day before). I try to sound encouraging: "That's great news. Makes me happy to hear ". He responds: ":)o you want to meet tomorrow?" It's an obviously cold response (in my interpretation). (Though I'm excited that he's initiating meeting, as he hasn't been recently).  I say yes, and ask him what time. He writes back with an estimated time frame, no niceties, nothing more. I tell him that sounds good, and then share this crazy (and somewhat frightening) story about something that happened to my family that day. His response was slightly warmer ("Omg, I'm glad they're ok. love you" but I can tell something is "off". I tell him I love him back. No Skype with his dad. No discussion of our possible getaway next week.

Day 3 (Today) : He texts: "Catching a four back." (I assume he means the bus; I would have no way of knowing what time he'd get back to our city... .I don't even know which bus line he uses).

I know in analyzing these texts it seems like I'm the BPD one, with my paranoia. But something is definitely up. He rarely even texts without saying I love you (and gets annoyed at me when I don't say I love you in my texts -- even if I've just said it in a text before). After much thought, I text the following: "Cool, do you know approx what time that gets in? I do have to ask: Is everything OK? I know it can be stressful to spend time up there. You know I am here to support you however i can from a distance. Love you."  He responds: "Btwn 8 and 9 traffic depending."

Wow.

So at point, I don't know what to do. Something is clearly the matter. If it weren't for his impending departure I could shake it off and wait it out. But I am so weak emotionally and even physically right now, that I can't face the idea of him coming over tonight, if he is only going to berate me for 4 hours, and then storm out of my house, disappear, call me a bunch of times to yell at me more, while I spend the night unable to sleep and entire weekend crying. (Yes, this is how it's been lately). This will destroy me. I'd truly be better off either (1) resolving the problem over the phone, but I'm not sure if he's willing or capable of this -- and he would likely hold a dramatic phone call against me indefinitely or (2) calling off the plans (which could really set him off, and would also squander one of the last opportunities I have to see him before he leaves).

I feel that I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

If anybody has ANY ADVICE, I would greatly appreciate it.

Many, many thanks!

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[virginiawoolf]

Hi again,

I know my story above is long winded. Just wanted to clarify that, while insight into the entire situation and him leaving, etc. would be great, what I specifically would love help with now, is how to get through the next few hours. He's getting on the bus in a half an hour, and due to be back 4-5 hours after that.

Should I ask again over text if something is wrong? Should I cancel our plans? Wait until he gets there and pretend all is ok?

Feeling desperate

Thank you all.

[Notwendy]

Hi Virginia -

Welcome to this board. I think you will find a lot of support here. It takes some time to learn the lessons but they are helpful. Don't be too hard on yourself when your bf comes home today. It seems that you both are stressed and there isn't much time to learn different ways of communicating. However if he does berate you learning not to JADE may help it not escalate. If he is upset about leaving he may project that onto you.

One suggestion is to use the time he is away to read and learn and take care of yourself.

Like many people who are in r/a with pwBPD we read their feelings well and soothe them. However their feelings are their responsibilities and by anticipating and soothing we can keep them from managing themselves. Whatever is going on with him is mostly about him although he may project it onto you . Since change is best done slowly and over time- his leaving is probably not the time to do something different. Sometimes this leads to an extinction burst before things improve.

For now try to stay as calm as you can in the face of his distress- I am assuming his moods do not put you in danger. Post here for support. Once he is back from his trip you will have learned more.

[virginiawoolf]

Thank you so much for your response, Notwendy.

Yes, part of the reason that I've "supported" him going away is because I know I DO need this time to learn more, and think about what I want to do long term. Again, we are not even officially "together" at this point (his choice, not mine) and will not have any commitment to each other while he travels.

My sole goal at this time is for us to say goodbye on good terms. If that can't happen, I don't think I can face seeing him in person again.

Perhaps good terms won't be possible. For the past month (though I've barely seen him, really), I feel that everything I do is wrong in his eyes. His treatment of me has gotten MUCH, MUCH worse, and I've regrettably compromised my own boundaries in attempt to reverse the trend (too many times he's been terrible, and I've responded with pleas of love... .I can see now it's only made his treatment of me worse). I used to feel that I had the "power" in the relationship... .and that I used it benevolently. Now he has all the power and, not to sound dramatic, but he is wielding it like an evil dictator.

I'm wondering if you have any suggestions about tonight specifically. We do not live together. It might be one of my last chances to see him. I have a feeling he no longer wants to go thru with the final getaway we'd been planning for next week.

His curt, passive-aggressive texts over the past 36 hours indicate he is upset with me. But he didn't respond to my question when I asked if everything was OK. He's on his way back to our city, and plans to come straight to my apartment when he arrives in a few hours. Is there a way to deal with this before he arrives, without making things worse?

I know my limits at this point, and know that I absolutely cannot take a night of fighting, mostly because it will inevitably leave to him running out of my place, back to his, and me feeling this terrible sense of abandonment that he has suddenly been triggering in me. I was once strong enough to deal with this. I'm not now. If this happens, it will be the end. If this happens, we won't go on our short getaway, and I may not say goodbye to him at all. I've been dumped and thrown around by him too many times. I need something about this goodbye to be on my terms or it will trigger a degree of suffering that, after all I've gone thru with him, is more than I can bear at this point.

I'm thinking about texting him again, before he arrives, and saying: "Are you upset with me?" If there is truly a problem on his end, I want to cancel our plans tonight and suggest we hang out when he is feeling better. If he doesn't feel better before he leaves, it will hurt immensely, but not as much as a horrible ending tonight.

Any thoughts?

Thanks... .

[Notwendy]

I know that when my H got like this- withdrawing, curt responses, silent treatment, no amount of my asking "what's wrong honey"

asking him to tell me, being nice , would make a difference. He was not going to open up to me if he didn't want to. Patricia Evans (author) considers this a firm of control and if painful to us - a form of verbal abuse. I know how you are feeling as my H did thud for years as well as those awful night long rages. I know how you feel. I was part of them for years but I too am at the point where I won't be part of them. It didn't change all at once and there were relapses but I think my H is clear that they don't work. Ironically they stopped working at the time I had done enough co dependency work to not react to them.

This is a pattern that is long standing and not likely something you can instantly change. However, change starts with you and you can work on you when he is gone.

As much as you want a nice time before you two part- you have no control over what your bf will do. The only thing you can do is choose your behavior - what you will do if he behaves miserably to you tonight. You can cancel plans if you are not feeling like you can deal with his moods- you don't have to depend on him telling you how he feels first and he may not tell you.

[virginiawoolf]

Thank you so, so much for all your help, Notwendy.

I like the idea of accepting that I have no control over what my bf will do.

You are right that it doesn't seem he will respond to "What's wrong, honey?"

What would you think of this instead: "I'm getting the sense that you are upset about something. I'd really like to be on good terms when we hang out. If you are too upset tonight, I think it might be better for us to either discuss over the phone or reschedule meeting for a time when we are both feeling good."

Ugh. I'm really at a loss. And what I perceive to be the passive aggressive texts continue.

[Notwendy]

One thing that is helpful is to speak from your feelings. The time of your message is that " since you seem upset , I don't think we should keep out plans for tonight"

Any time you use the word "you" it will sound accusatory and he is likely to respond negatively. Also making your decision on the basis of his mood is not really a firm boundary since it gives him the option of arguing or denying it " I am not in a bad mood" then your decision isn't founded.

A better response is to say how you feel " I feeling stressed tonight. I would like us to have a good time together before you leave. I do not feel that I am up to having company tonight"

Then so he doesn't feel abandoned - " I would like to get together with you soon and will talk in the morning " love you and hope you have a good night.

Now this is different behavior for you. He may not respond nicely but I think you can assume that things were not heading in a nice direction anyway. He may rage, think you are with someone else but you are not. You don't have to engage in a night long fight. Tell him again that you would like to talk in the am.

He could not be nice,but if you have decided that you can't take another night of bad behavior then at least you are able to disengage from it, at home , ignore the phone.

This isn't easy but you have two choices- what usually happens or something different. Do what you feel you can handle.

[Notwendy]

Excuse the typos I am on a phone that autocorrects - I meant the tone of your message is about him. Speak from your standpoint . Avoid the word "you". In time this gets more automatic.

[virginiawoolf]

Thank you so very much, Notwendy. As someone new to this board I'm both touched and impressed by the fact that somebody I don't know could take the time to read my story -- and offer such quality advice.

Your suggestion about asserting boundaries by speaking from my standpoint makes SO much sense. Why didn't I think of this before? I realize now that -- not just with bf, but with life in genera -- l I frequently make my desires contingent on other peoples' desires. It's almost as if I have no desires of my own, or I'm afraid to own the ones I do have (unless somebody else owns them first). Huge revelation. This played into this relationship on several levels I think.

In terms of coming back into town this past Friday, I felt paralyzed in my indecisiveness up until the last hour or so. I hesitated in sending the boundary-setting text. His bus reached our city earlier than I expected, and he just came over. I was terrified. I truly thought he was coming to see me with the intention of telling me something truly horrible. There seemed to be nothing else that could have come following the bizarre coldness of his texts for the 24 hours prior. To my absolute shock, everything was fine! He was very calm -- almost in a good mood... .even wanted to go out and do something (a rarity for him). I decided to focus all of my efforts into "not making things worse". Part of this meant that I acted a bit more aloof than I have been recently (my anxiety about his departure, and my anxiety about the way he's been acting recently has resulted in me maybe coming on too strong in my affections the past few weeks -- this is not typical behavior for me... .I thought it would reassure him, but sadly I think it's pushed him away). But Friday night was fine.

I still can't understand why his texting style "flipped" like that. Although I did get a tiny clue that perhaps he was in fact secretly hurt by the one questionable text I'd sent (the one where I worried I didn't sound enthusiastic enough). The point is, however, that Friday was fine.

Saturday, however, was another story. Many issues about his impending trip came up. I'm lost and upset.

It all feels quite urgent at the moment, and I'd really like to write about these more at length, but they no longer deal specifically with the topic described in subject line of this thread. Do you think it's best for me to start another thread to discuss those issues? Not sure what the best way is to proceed on this board. Thank you!

[Notwendy]

Starting another thread with a title that focuses on the issue that concern you would likely get more responses. I am glad the other evening went well and that the information here is already helping you.

[formflier]

You are right that it doesn't seem he will respond to "What's wrong, honey?"

What would you think of this instead: "I'm getting the sense that you are upset about something. I'd really like to be on good terms when we hang out. If you are too upset tonight, I think it might be better for us to either discuss over the phone or reschedule meeting for a time when we are both feeling good."

IMO... .stay away from "suggesting" an answer... .especially a negative one.

I'm much more ok with "Would you like it if we... ."... .  Like is usually positive... .so leading there is ok.

Usually a "negative" leading question to a pwBPD traits... .heaps on more negativity... .usually with bad results.

So... .IMO... ."What are you feeling right now?"  or "how are you feeling right now"

Maybe with a gentle hand on the shoulder... .or hand them a glass of ice water... .or something else that shows some concern... .but not overboard.

Most likely you will play around with this and find something that works for you in your r/s... .this should be good starting point.

I my r/s... "what is wrong" usually gets a retort of "why would you think something is wrong with me... " from my wife.

In other r/s... is might be fine.

I'm glad you found us... .we can get you the education you need to turn your r/s in a positive direction!