Made a decision today...

[catanaition]

Quick refresher: pwBPD is my best friend and roommate. Major dysregulations generally revolve around me wanting to go out with other friends/on dates and are characterized by self-harm and suicide threats.

About two weeks ago I sat her down and gave her an ultimatum: Therapy or we don't live together once our lease is up. She was very upset by this (of course) and did not seem to be making any changes. Last week she screamed at me because she was upset about something that was not my fault (computer crashed and she lost some work) and when I told her this was some of the behavior I was talking about she seemed to snap out of it and told me "I'm sorry, I'm trying." This was the first non-guilting apology I've ever gotten from her. It gave me a little bit of hope.

That was dashed today when I told her I would be going out overnight on Saturday. She immediately dysregulated and between sending me upset messages she also posted on twitter that no one here loves her and about how she was looking at flights home (she moved to Canada from the States) but that they were too expensive.

I ended up sending her the following which may or may not have been a good idea but it was things I needed to say:

"I'm sorry you feel that way and I hear that you're upset. You know how I feel about all of this. The other night you told me you were trying after you yelled at me about something that was not my fault but I don't understand what your strategy is. You still heap guilt onto me any time I do something different than you want me to do. It is super hurtful to see you telling people that no one here loves you when I have both told and shown you that you are important to me over and over again in the time you have been here.

What should I do? If your suggestion is that I never have friends other than you, never date or have sex or participate in activites I enjoy (gaming, watching my youtube videos, participating in kink among others) then you already know what my answer is. I have told you what I need from you. What are we going to do for the next two months? What will we do after that?

I love you very much but I'm so angry all the time and (LITERALLY) sick and tired of the negativity and the co-dependence. If you want to go and be by yourself in your room tonight then okay, you can do that. I will check in on you and ask if you are alive. But there will be no multi-hour support-and-hug session and I will be doing my best to spend the intervening time relaxing and getting things I need to get done, done."

I am done basically. There will be no more waiting for her to make changes there will just be making my own changes happen. I've booked a few apartment viewings and I'm back to looking at condos... .I feel good about those decisions but still sad and angry and a little guilty. I have the local crisis team number in my phone if I think anything extra-bad is happening on Saturday but I'll also be trying hard to actually enjoy myself and relax for once. This is an awful balancing act to play