I don't know where to start

[nochangeinsight]

Finding this site about six weeks ago left me in shock. I've been married for 53 years with a man that no doubt has BPD. For all these years I have searched for a way to understand him and help him with very little success. Now I know why! I will not go into details of all the things I've done through the years, but I can tell you that I divorced him and remarried him twice! Always charmed by his "good" side I fell over and over again. We have five adult children who love their father but each of them has their own relationship with him. The older one laughs at his constant fibbing to impress others. Another is afraid of him and never was able to get close. Another treats him nice when he is around but has no real relationship with him. They all have seen his behavior but nobody knows him like I know him. I didn't talk about our relationship for years, except with the 10 or so counselors we have seen at my insistence. Some of them were totally fooled by his charm. Another told me he would never change and wrote a letter that I could show the judge during one of our divorces. How do you explain to outsiders or friends that his public self, so friendly and charming, is not who he really is at home? I feel sad that he trusts nobody and he doesn't love himself or others either, no even me or his family!

I feel at once relieved that now I know why he is who he is but I also feel strange telling all of you, "the world", the inferno he has put me through! I was 18 when we married and I had a lot to learn. I have done a LOT of growing emotionally and spiritually to be able to survive, but the chronic stress of never knowing when something was going to provoke his rage has been very hard on my health. I could count on his evil side to show up again and then I would have to live with his sulking or his relentless ranting about what a horrible person I was and why others didn't like me for at least three solid days and nights. So frustrating doing everything possible to please him and then always something miniscule, unrelated, unimportant and different than any of the other times would set him off. It made it impossible to prevent it from happening again.   

I also feel so sorry for him when he gets depressed and plays the victim! Last May I almost left. I have said that if he wanted another divorce he has to file it. Nothing was accomplished when we were separated. But I am willing to leave the house if he refuses to do so. At that time he tried with all his might to convince me that he was going to change and that he didn't want to lose me. I kept repeating that I couldn't trust him anymore. But the peace lasted about six months and I was fooled into letting myself love him again. Since before Christmas and after the last rage episode I decided I was going to stay, be the best person I could and treat him as a friend and room mate. I knew that sooner or later he was going to question my new attitude. It happened yesterday. He said: "Are you happy with the way our relationship is right now?" I answered in the affirmative. Later he told me he couldn't believe that I would accept living the way we were. I said that it was much better than the alternative, which was one of us moving out. He answered that he didn't understand how I could be so calm about it. I just went about my business.

I could really write a book about the last two thirds of my life! But this should be sufficient. I am mostly contented and at peace with myself. I still have some uneasiness being around him, but I can put up with it. I hope that if there is one more rage episode (should I count on it?) that I'll have the courage to separate. If it wasn't for his "illness" that I'll never talk about it with him, we make a pretty good team! So sad... .But I know God loves both of us.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tjay933]

welcome to the family 

with so much history behind you, we should be asking you for guidance on what has worked for you. so, what has worked for you for so long? how did you keep yourself sane through all that? i only lasted over 10yrs but you've been over 50. how did you do it? what has kept you going?

if you're into learning, you can also check out the lessons on the side, and let us know if you find them helpful and if you have any other insights.

is there anything that you are looking for specific help on or just a hearing ear? we've heard it all and lived, well, some of what you have. we're here to support you and let you know, you are not alone.

so keep writing and chime in on conversations as you feel like it. 

[vortex of confusion]

Wow, you are amazing! I have to agree with tjay, you probably have lots of wisdom that some of us could benefit from hearing.

I have been with my husband for almost 17 years. Like you, I spent a lot of years wondering how to get along with him and how to find the magic button. Finding this site was very eye opening and I am still trying to process everything and use the tools. The lessons down the right side of the forum are invaluable no matter how long you have been at this. The lessons gave me a very different way of looking at things. The hardest part has been to accept that things aren't likely going to change that much. I can work on using the tools and I can try to improve my communication skills and my husband is still going to do the things that he has been doing for years. That is where the "Understanding your role in the relationship" lesson is very helpful. It isn't always easy to swallow though.

Welcome and I look forward to hearing more of your story! Is there anything specific that you are looking for? For me, it helps me to feel not so alone! There are things that I simply cannot find a way to describe or explain to others in my life. People here seem to get it and understand what I am talking about. That alone is invaluable.

[milesperhour]

Dear nochange,

WOW, you sound so much like me that I feel like I am writing to myself!  Married at 19 to a man a barely knew, I am now 30 years into it (this May), have five grown children who both love and dislike their father, and have two almost-divorces under my belt.  Why do BPDs have to be so charming when they are trying to wiggle their way back into our lives? 

Kim

[nochangeinsight]

It certainly feels good to feel understood! Grateful I found this group! Milesperhour, you made me smile! How similar our situations! Thank you all for your responses! I'm not sure that I have any advise to offer. Obviously, I still haven't seen the light. I will read the lessons for sure. I'm sure I can learn something new. Many times I find that we go through trials to be able to understand and help others. For instance, when I was around 30 I went through a horrible episode of clinical depression that lasted about three years. That was before Prozac was invented and I was terrified of taking any medications that would alter my mind and "lose myself" in the process. Several things triggered it: my father's death in Uruguay where we are from, my first uncontrollable asthma attack as an adult, and getting pregnant with our fifth child. I hated having to go through that, specially because I didn't know when if ever I would feel normal again! But, as a result, I've been able to understand and comfort many people because I had gone through it! As time goes by, maybe I can contribute my "wisdom" on this site. Thank you kindly!

[Loosestrife]

53 years - wow! You have given me a wake up call. I hope you get out soon   

[Notwendy]

Welcome nochangeinsight. I can certainly relate to your post, being married for many years to someone who people think is absolutely wonderful and who only shows his rage to his most intimate partner- me. It has been confusing. I  too have done a lot of personal work to make sense of this for myself. It is sad that something like this casts a shadow on family life. I look forward to reading more of your insights.

I can also relate to the fear of talking about him. He is well respected and excellent at his job, and so I would not want to say something that could be damaging to us. I also lived with this growing up with mom with BPD. We were not allowed to say anything to anyone about her and were expected to pretend she was fine. If I did say anything, people didn't believe me. I have a difficult time saying something about her.

[Cole]

nochangeinsight,

Thank you for sharing your years of insight and experience. I fear this is where we are going, as that we have been nothing more than housemates and co-parents for 2 years. Will be watching for your post in hopes of learning.     

[milesperhour]

Always charmed by his "good" side I fell over and over again. ... .I feel so sad that he trusts nobody and he doesn't love himself or others either, not even me or his family!  ... .I have done a LOT of growing emotionally and spiritually to be able to survive, but the chronic stress of never knowing when something was going to provoke his rage has been very hard on my health. ... .I could count on his evil side to show up again, and then I would have to live with his sulking or his relentless ranting about what a horrible person I was. ... .So frustrating doing everything possible to please him and then always something miniscule, unrelated, unimportant and different than any of the other times would set him off. It made it impossible to prevent it from happening again. ... .  I also feel so sorry for him when he gets depressed and plays the victim!  He tried with all his might to convince me that he was going to change and that he didn't want to lose me. ... .I couldn't trust him anymore. ... .after the last rage episode I decided I was going to stay, be the best person I could and treat him as a friend and room mate ... .I am mostly contented and at peace with myself. I still have some uneasiness being around him, but I can put up with it. If it wasn't for his "illness", we make a pretty good team! So sad... .But I know God loves both of us.

Ditto on all the above.  I keep reading your post over and over.  Still amazes me that someone else has lived the same way I have for so long. 

Right at this moment, my H and I are in one of the honeymoon phases (after I threw him out and he begged his way back into the house) where he is so sticky sweet, calm and patient, and I actually think he might love me.  But, of course I know that it won't last very long. I am fooling myself again.  I know that the next time he is under stress of any kind, he will explode, it will be my fault, and I will have hell to pay for weeks or months.  The only difference this time is that I am ready for it (I think).  I am refusing to let him make me feel horrible about myself or frighten me by his wild-eyed yelling and ranting.  Like you said, I have made up my mind to just take it in stride and stay calm and "go about my business". 

My FOO and my adult children can't understand why I allow the abuse to continue, why I don't find somebody else who will treat me the way they say I deserve to be treated, but I guess it is my choice - right or wrong.  God help me.

Please keep posting. 

[nochangeinsight]

I don't have a chance to visit this site very often, so I just finished reading the last five comments. I thank you all so much for responding. I'm tearing up just knowing that after feeling isolated with my marriage problems for over 50 years I finally can say that others understand what I've been through! I find it so odd that ut on the internet as a mental illness as are depression, OCD, manic-depression, anxiety and other. Not because it is a rare condition as now I've come to understand. Why is it not public knowledge like the other mental problems? I have read tons and tons of books and articles and never came across it. Was it just me that was blind and in the dark? I also have dealt with mild depression, anxiety and ADD and I understand how to cope with those. My impulsivity is one of the things that triggers strong reactions in him, but his reactions are way out of proportion to whatever I said or did innocently. And defending myself makes his anger worse! I always thought that his reactions were not "normal" for a supposedly mature adult, but could never understand it or help him understand that his anger was completely uncalled for. For a few years now we don't discuss serious things anymore, but when we were young I tried everything to help us communicate better after the storms had passed but he either seemed to agree with my reasoning and do absolutely nothing about it, commit to change and then "forget" what he promised, or get angry and defensive all over again. Logic does not fit his mental processes. Many times I in frustration told him that it seemed he spoke Chinese while I answered in Russian, while in reality we were both speaking English and Spanish, whatever language could express our ideas better at the time. How can two people live so unhappy for so many years? Yes, he made a very good lover and friend some of the time, but the truth is that he has always been more miserable than I am because he cannot love himself or feel at peace. Okay, time to quit, you all know what I mean. Thanks again!