Packing peacefully... he changed his anger and got quiet.

[Sunfl0wer]

Last night he was making a showy display about packing up his things.  He would loudly announce or ask what was his from the kitchen, then was loudly tossing it.  It was done in a semi-aggressive manner, clearly expressing his anger.

I have had enough of him making a performance of his feelings to me and my S. 

I quietly joined him in the kitchen and asked him, " what is it that you want?  That you need?  Just tell me, do you need help with anything?  Because you can have it."  "What I need, is for you to just simply stop this show, stop this back and forth with me tonight.  You can take whatever you like, just stop asking please.  I want this to continue in a calm manner.  There has not been an argument, there is no need for one now.  Let's keep things calm."

He quietly finished his packing.  Wow!  He listened? 

The thought of having peace from his emotions, is feeling good. 

[downwhim]

Great approach. He could have screamed but you defused his rage. You listened to what your needs were and did not react to his craziness. Great Job. Lesson for all of us.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for the support downwhim! 

However, I do not believe my approach was at all what a BPD "needs."  I was just being me, which felt good.   . It gave me a glimpse of what to look forward to in my next chapter of life.  I look forward to being true and honest about my thoughts and feelings more.  That is what felt good.  It felt like a bit of the transition was happening for me last night.

To actually believe he in fact, "listened" to me, well that I think, would be delusional or ignorant on my part.  He does not "listen" to me ever, but reacts to what his feelings are of what he thinks he has heard. The context of how he makes sense of the meaning and my words have little (if nothing anymore) to do with who I am, my history, my whole person.  Rather, the context of how he makes sense of my words, has to do with his internal world, his feelings, his history.

Translation:  I think he changed his behavior last night, because he has projected his feelings and fears of his exwife onto me.  I have turned into his trigger for all his repressed pain.  I believe that when I asked him to quiet down, he in fact is fearful and feels threatened.  He is expecting me to abuse him on his way out, as his ex did.  He is mostly behaving rather meekly.  He feels afraid of me.  (Not based on me, but because of his own past, but he doesn't see the difference).  He probably also feels a bit guilty for leaving.

Thanks for listening to my long winded response, I really needed to state and organize those thoughts to help my own understanding.

It is sad.  I wish he wasn't broken.  I wish he had insight.

I hope he learns something over the fact that I am not leaving this relationship in any bad way.  I will pay my remaining rent, I will be considerate if he leaves or forgets things.  I will continue to behave with integrity and not give him reason to focus on any bad behavior from me.  Maybe this would confuse him enough to have some self reflection.

Even if he doesn't have any understanding ever, I believe that it is a gift to myself, to leave nicely.  I believe that trying to leave nicely helps me in my discovery of myself again.   

[Pou]

I tried similar approach with my NPDw.  It only gets her more irritated and then she will immediately rage back with 10 more accusations or she will back stab with other stuff.  She has no problem calling relative and friends and make up tons of false stuff and she could even cry on the spot.  And then turn it off once she is off the phone.  Very interesting.  I have never seen anyone this manipulative.  I think there ought to be a law for locking up people like this.  The book on "Splitting" is right, PDs are very good at using emotions to manipulate truth and tell lies.  If you never been with one before, there is no way anyone could understand.  You ex listened, makes me believe that he is on the lighter spectrum of PD.  Is this accurate?  any thoughts?  From my experience, without therapy and acknowledging that they have PD, being able to listen just doesn't seem normal for PDs. 

[Sunfl0wer]

 . Pou, look up and read my post just before your! 

[downwhim]

" You listened to what your needs were and did not react to his craziness." I am learning too to pay attention to what I am feeling and what my needs are not the needs of the BPD. I think you might have misunderstood what I was say.

My inner child has been hushed up for too long and I reacted to his bizarre behavior out of fear and said and did things I normally would not do. I really could care less what his needs are. I feel sorry for him now that I see how messed up he has made his life and how many people he has hurt a long the way... .

[Loosestrife]

" You listened to what your needs were and did not react to his craziness." I am learning too to pay attention to what I am feeling and what my needs are not the needs of the BPD. I think you might have misunderstood what I was say.

My inner child has been hushed up for too long and I reacted to his bizarre behavior out of fear and said and did things I normally would not do. I really could care less what his needs are. I feel sorry for him now that I see how messed up he has made his life and how many people he has hurt a long the way... .

It's really hard - I swing from listening to my needs and then feeling sorry for how messed up and hurting my BPD is and wanting to try to support them.

[Sunfl0wer]

" You listened to what your needs were and did not react to his craziness." I am learning too to pay attention to what I am feeling and what my needs are not the needs of the BPD. I think you might have misunderstood what I was say.

My inner child has been hushed up for too long and I reacted to his bizarre behavior out of fear and said and did things I normally would not do. I really could care less what his needs are. I feel sorry for him now that I see how messed up he has made his life and how many people he has hurt a long the way... .

Thank you for explaining!

It is certainly a nice feeling to be aware of my own feelings and take moments to take care of me. 

I know what you mean by feeling sorry for him.  If only they could see, they are their own worse enemy... .not anyone else.

So he's gone.  It went peaceful. He still has to come back for a few more things, probably tomorrow.

I should think of something special to do.  Not sure what?

[Sunfl0wer]

" You listened to what your needs were and did not react to his craziness." I am learning too to pay attention to what I am feeling and what my needs are not the needs of the BPD. I think you might have misunderstood what I was say.

My inner child has been hushed up for too long and I reacted to his bizarre behavior out of fear and said and did things I normally would not do. I really could care less what his needs are. I feel sorry for him now that I see how messed up he has made his life and how many people he has hurt a long the way... .

It's really hard - I swing from listening to my needs and then feeling sorry for how messed up and hurting my BPD is and wanting to try to support them.

I hear ya, even on his way out, I was thinking: I wonder if I should tell him he should get a dog.  That would help him not be so lonely, help his D transition during her visits, and it is probably a more appropriate r/s that he is capable of.  Lol!  I did, however, manage to keep my mouth shut.

[downwhim]

Believe me, he will find a way to occupy his time... .

[going places]

Finding "yourself" is AMAZING and it feels SO GOOD!

Remember, you are NOT responsible for his thoughts, feelings, actions or reactions.

Once he gets all his stuff, change the locks.

Be ready for the emails / texts of: I only eat once a day, I am sleeping on the floor, My health is going down the drain, etc.

It's a ploy to get you back in the loop.

Don't fall for the silent treatment: where you mind plays tricks on you to reach out, and do the right thing.

That's a trap too.

Do not get suckered into a dialog. You can never win. Never.

You are about to embark on a wonderfilled life. Fresh air, no more eggshells, no more abuse.

Good for YOU!

[sun seeker]

 Hi sunflower

  I so proud and  happy for you! !

FInally you will have peace and quiet.  When I went n/c the first thing i felt was relieved.  (A weight off my shoulders)  congratulations on your new chapter in life. ENJOY!