I have been doing alot of self reflecting. Basically trying to figure out why I have been with 2 very disturbed men. Alot of people have asked me how I picked 2 such messed up guys. My answer is I didn't pick them. They picked me. They saw something in me that attracted them. I am trying to figure out what it is, who I am, who I want to be. My father was very abusive to my mother, they divorced when I was 12. I always thought my issues stemmed from my father. Really thinking about things I look more at my mom. I really love my mom, but dear god I don't want to be anything like her. She isn't a bad person, wouldn't hurt a fly. BUT. I realize I have never heard " you can do it" or " good for you" from her. She put up with horrible abuse for years from my father. After she divorced him she jumped into a relationship with a guy who was 22 years old.
I am the oldest of 3 children so I became the other parent. Her boyfriend was with us for 5 years. He was a good guy, just way too young to deal with teenagers. They broke up 15 years ago. Since then my mother went from a great government job to retail management to now a part time job and babysits for me. She is in her 50s and has nothing. She lives in a tiny apartment, my 30 year old brother has lived on her couch for a year and a half. He has never worked, he has alternated between living with me Years ago, an off and on girlfriend of 12 years, and my mom. His IQ is in the 140s, he is an amazing artist, in great shape, and he has literally done nothing. My sister has 3 kids, 2 fathers, now a husband who is controlling, who has seriously taken the 3 kids from their dads. My sister has never worked, had drug problems, stealing, etc. A few months ago my brother in law got fired and they all ended up in the shelter. They waited until income tax time and took off. Really they left with the 3 kids and went god knows where.
My mother is an enabler and one of the most negative people I know. She has taken in my brother and sister I don't know how many times. She constantly makes excuses. She is not allowed to have people with her per her lease, so she has to get my brother to leave the apt if the landlord is coming. I used to just think she indulged them, but now I really see how much she contributes to problems. I know a tattoo artist who was looking for an artist, so I introduced her to my brother. My mom butts in and says he wouldn't like it because then he would be making art on demand basically. I send him craigslist links of jobs. My mom says its pointless because they are part time or too little pay. I gave him the number of a friend who runs a golf club here, my mom told him not to do a seasonal job. We have a job readiness program here, 4 weeks, 20 hours a week, tuition free, they do basic job skills, resume building, budgeting, interview skills, etc, and the program transitions to other programs like machine tool, and customer service. I told my brother about it, showed him the website. My mom in front of him says " that's all good but the jobs suck around here so what's the point?" I snapped " well he has to do something".
When my sister was stealing my mom would say stuff like " hope the judge gives her a break, she's got 3 kids and it was just makeup." I am super busy, 3 kids, a job, going to school, have 2 child development programs I do, I'm in a Le leche group, domestic violence support group, counseling, next week I start volunteering at a children's clothing shop, just 2 hours a week and I can bring kiddos, which I think will be so good for them, I have seriously only called into work 2 times since 2010. The other day my mom stopped in my work, I was telling her I was really tired. Well when I got out of work I went for a walk( 4 miles). She stopped by later that night and asked if I took a nap. I said heck no I walked to Walmart and bought a bra and some kid clothes. She went into a lecture about how it was too cold to walk, I should be napping, and how the heck did you carry stuff home. It was 30 degrees and I had 2 bags of clothes
. She constantly says " you shouldn't, you can't, why would you, you don't have to, etc" .
The DV group I'm in has a 5k benefit walk in 4 weeks. I want to do the walk with my 8 month old in my backpack carrier. I've been walking more, with and without her to build up for it( she's 25lbs heavy
)( I'm 110) my mom is nagging me to just push her in a stroller, ugh. Its symbolic to me, we single parents, DV survivors, struggle, but we can't just drop our kids, that's why I want to carry her. And my mom just nags. I think I purposely overcompensate to combat my moms negativity. I think I chose and stayed with asss because I try so hard not to give up on anything.
