Father of adult with BPD type behavior

[DoubleBogey]

My daughter has not been diagnosed, she refuses to see a counselor for any reason.

At the age of 17 we got her to go once to a family session.  She said what she wanted to say, announced she had things under control, and left the room.

My wife and I and another daughter continued in counseling to try and understand how best to proceed.  Our counselor recommended Walking on Eggshells and we definitely saw some light in the book.

Our daughter now has children of her own and we are very concerned about her angry outbursts at the children.  "You ungrateful little sh---s" was reported to me by the oldest yesterday.

She can be a kind, considerate, involved mother but goes from zero to 110% rage in an instant.  She has been that way most of her post-teen life, but things are definitely worse than ever.

There is so much more I could say, but I am hesitant to make this too long.

Very concerned.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello DoubleBogey

Welcome to the site and the Parent's Board.  We are glad to have you here!

It's good to hear that your family has attended therapy in the past; even without your daughter. Coping with a child/adult child with BPD is very difficult as you know and having the support and structure of therapy to deal with our own feelings and concerns is very beneficial.  Many of our parent members attend therapy for themselves.  Do you continue to go to a therapist for guidance and support? If not, is this something you and your wife might consider.

We are here as a source of support for you as well.  The site provides educational material to help us understand this disorder and how it affects our children, tools and skills that can help us and our relationships with our children, and personal support from member to member through the sharing of our experiences. Lesson 1 is a good place to start when we are trying to get a good understanding of the disorder so that we can cope with the behaviors that are the most troubling to us.  When I had a better understanding of what was causing my daughter's behaviors I was able to learn how to respond to her in beneficial ways.

I first came her when my daughter was 12 and received the diagnoses of "emerging BPD".  She is now 18 and doing well, living independent from me and coping with adult life.  This site is where I learned the skills and got the support to make difficult decisions.  I found the resources and reading recommendations here that also helped my family on our journey from disorder to recovery. We share what we learn through the recommended reading, what we have found that works and support each other during the hard times and the celebratory times.

We are here to support you as we have been supported.  I look forward to your response and being a source of support to you.

lbjnltx

[livednlearned]

Hi DoubleBogey,

I wanted to join lbjnltx in welcoming you to the site! I'm glad you found this resource. It is helpful to have books, and it's important to have a therapist or counselor, but there is also something special about peer support from people who understand what you're going through. You're not alone.

It's also a positive sign that your daughter wants you in her life, and you have access to your grandchildren. There are many things you can do to help your grandchildren become emotionally resilient. While some of the articles in Lesson 5 on the Co-parenting board here on bpdfamily have to do with children of divorce (when one parent has BPD), there are a handful that can help anyone involved in parenting kids who have a BPD parent: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

Maybe there will be something there that can help you understand what it might be like for the grandchildren. It is not easy to have a loved one with BPD, but there are many things you have control over that can make things better, especially your own responses.

For example, if your oldest daughter witnesses an outburst around the kids, she can help them make sense of the outburst and learn important skills that will go a long way. My son's father has a personality disorder and in many ways, even though S13 grew up in a very volatile environment, the skills he is learning make him more resilient than many of his friends from "normal" families. He has a self-awareness that is impressive, and is learning to regulate his own emotions, and while he is still very self-centered (he's a teen), I do see him beginning to use his newfound understanding to make sense of how others react and respond. I think of BPD as a difficult gift we were given  

Keep posting. It really does help.

LnL